A more normal day.

I worked hard, came home tired, but made dinner and ate with Michael. He did not have an activity tonight, but had to complete and submit the big scholarship application he has been doing. After dinner Jennifer called and we chatted a little bit, which was VERY nice. I made a run to Menard's to get the hardware for the patio door. It SERIOUSLY cost more than the doors! I suspected it would. Plus, the hinges I want only come in packs of three. The doors I bought must be the only doors in the world with four sets of hinges or something! Then I ran to the evil empire to buy Michael's Kashi cereal and my tomato juice. I arrived home and missed about the first fifteen minutes of Biggest Loser. Sad face.

I am watching the rest of it now and then I plan to work on the kitchen. I want the house to be clean when the guy comes to replace the doors. I don't want him to know what a pig I am!

So - positive thoughts for home repairs! Woohoo. I hope it gets warm and dry so he can do it soon. It will be exciting to have it done.

Food Safety...

I learned lots of ways to kill people with foodborne illness and parasites. Ha! My children have been teasing me for many years about my hand washing thing. The number one way to prevent spreading foodborne illness is effective hand washing. So there. I am not sure how I did on the test. It had 90 questions and you have to get 75% to pass. Some of them were the temperature questions about which I worried... We'll see in 10 - 14 days, I guess. I stayed up until about 3:30 studying after sleeping most of the day with the headache. I set the alarm for 6:30, but left my light on and my door open so Michael would be sure to come in and talk to me and make sure I was awake. I made it to class AND stayed awake the entire time. The day after a migraine is always really difficult. I call it migraine "Hangover." I did suffer that today, but I tried to watch what I ate and made sure to drink a lot of water and I think that helps. So I made it through the day with no additional drugs.

They had this class at a facility that included lunch which was not diabetic friendly at all. There was a wonderful tossed salad so I ate a big plate of that. Then there were green beans, roasted red potatoes and white pasta with alfredo sauce, white rolls and various brownies. So for the hot stuff I ate half a plate of green beans and two of the red potatoes. A couple of the women who are also with my BKI project said they had to have protein and ordered hamburgers, plain. One of them shared hers with me and I think that helped me make it through the afternoon. I was actually afraid to eat so much salad and green beans after the bad stomach day with the puking migraine, but it all stayed down. I took a ginger ale with me and sipped it a little tiny bit at a time when my tummy did feel queasy for a while.

I still feel extremely tired and tomorrow is back to work with my back-up being off all the way through Thursday. I am not sure if I will get proper lunch times or anything like that. I will have to be sure to take walking breaks, but stay in the building so they can page me if they need to. This is one bad aspect of most of the call center moving to the Bedford office.

I haven't cleaned kitchen for days upon days, except one little load of dishes here and there. Michael was doing so much for Science Olympiad and also doing this HUGE general scholarship application that requires several mini essays and one large essay. Therefore, I have not made him a list last week or this week of tasks, just gently requested that he keep his own crap picked up. SO tonight I want to do another load of dishes and see if I can find some counter space so that tomorrow I can cook dinner. I also want to go to Menard's and get the new hardware I want for the patio door AND Michael thinks the quality of his life is reduced because we have been out of Kashi cereal for several days. He can't eat frosted shredded wheat because it has gelatin in it. Boo hoo! So he eats like three pieces of whole wheat toast for breakfast. I bet no teenage boy in the world eats as much fiber as Michael. No wonder his toilet overflowed a couple of weeks ago! :)

I wish Scrabble would work on Facebook. I was finally beating Amber in a game and now I can't get it to load! Frustration.

Positive thoughts today for good scholarship applications and good test results!

TMI or "Grape Juice Produces Purple Puke"

I woke up with a headache this morning. Bad, but couldn't tell for sure if it was just sinus or a true migraine. I heated up a can of soup for breakfast, then only ate the chicken and drank the broth because that's all that sounded good. I drank some grape juice because I was worried about not having any carbs. I took my regular morning medicine and went back to bed. About 1:00 or something I got back up and thought I'd better try to eat again. Checked my sugar and it was high so drank a big glass of water instead and took pain pills, finally. I decided to take a shower because it often helps my headaches. The water gave my stomach enough to finally perform reverse parastolysis effectively so I had one of the most interesting showers of my life. After that I called Debbie and she ran to the store and brought me some pretzels and ginger ale to I am on my sick day diet. I have been able to keep them down. I have slept most of the day waking only occasionally to try to eat or drink a little. I have tried to read my book and just fell back asleep.

My food safety class is tomorrow. I planned to read through the book, then read through the book and take notes to memorize all the stuff, then take all the practice tests and see how much more I need to do. Now I will be lucky to have read through the book one time. I am a little more than halfway done. I am not worried about the concepts. Most of the is common sense that I already know and practice anyway. It's the memorization of the different types of bacteria, viruses and parasites and the proper temperatures and times for cooling, heating etc. that I am worried about. I am not good at memorization. I am going to go to class and try no matter what because it's a non-refundable fee, so as long as I can open my eyes enough to see to drive I am there. And now I need to go try to study some more.

Positive thoughts toward getting to class and passing that test.

Return and Report...

State Science Olympiad was boring as hell and exciting as hell.

Boring - driving up all alone, waiting through some boring events, spending time studying my Food Handling textbook. Walking, walking, walking, everywhere on the IUPUI campus. Definitely got my movement in today.

Exciting - Michael got first place in two of his events, Fossils and Remote Sensing (Don't ask. Maybe something to do with analyzing satellite data?), awards ceremony, Chick-Fil-A for lunch.

Pleasant - Heather came over to pick up some hockey tickets I had received at work that her friends were going to use tonight and we spent a pleasant hour or so talking about just nothing much, but I was very relaxed.

Frustrating - Michael's team won second place. Only first place gets to go to nationals this year. Sometimes two go, it has to do with how many teams compete in state. The winner was Bloomington HS North, the in-town rival, AND they only won because one of the events was judged incorrectly. The judge let some teams do some things that were outside the rules, but it wasn't the teams' fault, it was the judge not knowing the right procedures. So they decided not to disqualify the teams, but to let individual winners get their medals, but not count them toward the team score.

The judges say that for nationals (In Augusta, Georgia, Erin!) some states who qualify to send two teams only send one. If someone does that, they will let South also go for Indiana. We have to wait until at least next week to know, however.
It was very upsetting, a few of the girls were crying, and even one of the boys. I thought Michael looked like he wanted to. I gave him a big hug and he was pretty clingy.

Sweet - Michael gave one of his medals to another kid. The alternates weren't supposed to get the "team" medal, which was on a rainbow ribbon, but one of them got one. Kyle said, "I didn't get a rainbow medal." Michael just took his off and handed it to him and said, "You can have mine. I have another one at home from another year." Ahhh....

I am totally and utterly exhausted. I want to watch the news in a minute to see if the basketball team won THEIR state tourney.

So - positive thoughts toward getting to nationals! And YAY for all these teenagers who think engineering and science is fun.

Relaxed.

I worked my ass off at work again and was totally exhausted. I worked until 5:30, came home and fell into bed. I slept until Michael got home, which was about 8:00, I think. He has been at school with the Science Olympiad team getting all the equipment ready for tomorrow, and they all had dinner together. He got ready and I took him over to Alexander's. He is staying all night there so I won't have to get up and take him to school at 5:00 in the morning YAY! Thanks, Rebecca. I am going up tomorrow, but his first event isn't until 10:45, so I won't have to leave here until 9:00 or so.

After I took Michael to Alexander's I went to get some food at the Office Lounge. Debbie and I had planned to go eat and go to karaoke, but then she decided to go to a scary movie with Tammy instead. I had a nice dinner and only ate half of everything and brought the rest home. yay for me.

I am going to watch What Not to Wear and try to do a few dishes during commercials and then go to bed at a decent time so I can get up and go in the morning. I'd also like to get to the dump before I go to Indy.

So positive thoughts toward The SO team doing their best at state and for the south basketball team, too. It would be nice to have TWO state champion teams from south tomorrow.

More on Friendship:

Lisa asked, "So do you have ANY deal breakers?"

I guess I do have some deal breakers. I have a friend right now who asked me to do a couple of things that I felt were a little under my standards. I felt like I was doing them to help her children, but then I found out she used the money for a trip to a music festival for herself... I felt used and tricked and was angry. Maybe it's because I don't like confrontation. I never said, "Oh my God. How could you ask me to do that for THAT reason?" Instead I just began to distance myself from her. BUT part of the choice to not confront is to know that I should not have agreed in the first place, no matter how noble the cause was, or I should have clarified - Do you need this money to pay a bill or for what? (Don't worry. I didn't rob a bank or embezzle or anything like that.) I still feel upset about the situation in the past, but I didn't end the friendship. I just vowed to myself to not be convinced to do anything like that again. We still have social contact and I would help her in a second if she had a problem that I could help with - pretty sure same for her for me. I feel like I learned a lesson about setting my boundaries and maintaining my standards.

I remember once in HS we (meaning Lisa and I) had a stupid fight and didn't talk for quite a while. I also had a fight with my grown up friend, Judith, where we didn't speak for a while. I am pretty sure both of those fights were over stupid things. I am surprised that it took me (or us, maybe) to get over whatever it was. But STILL I am friends with both of you, just heard from Judith today, as a matter of fact!

I don't know. I don't know what anybody could do that would make me say, "no more, ever." Maybe intentionally harm one of my children or something.

That's about all the deep thought I can fathom tonight. I'm still physically tired and napped again tonight instead of doing household stuff. Just a few minutes ago I finally started a load of laundry and did a few dishes. I need to keep working a little and try to get a little more done or I will have a bad tomorrow.

So positive thoughts for feeling more rested tomorrow and getting enough done tonight that I feel satisfied with my accomplishments.

Bingo!

I just had an 83 point word in my Scrabble game with Amber. I can't wait for her to come back online and see it. She has kicked my butt 99.9% of the time we have played. Maybe 100%. I'm not sure.

I was SO exhausted after work tonight. It was definitely spaghetti night. When Michael said he wanted salad I could have cried. Usually I would have asked him to make it, but he had a really bad day too and is very stressed about the State Science Olympiad this weekend and an essay he has to write for a scholarship application. After we ate he worked on the application online and asked me the occasional question until I finally fell asleep and didn't wake up until 9:00 when he told me goodnight so he could go to bed! Now the dishes are still dirty and some of the food is even still out so I have to do SOMETHING before I can get back to bed.

I have been having mild leg cramps tonight which is a signal that my electrolytes are out of whack, which is ironic because I ate a banana today which I haven't done in forever. Maybe wanting that banana was my body telling me I needed the potassium and if I hadn't eaten it I wouldn't be saying "mild leg cramps" I would be saying excruciating leg cramps. I've been out of tomato juice a couple of days. I do have a couple of grapefruit, I need to make sure to eat one tomorrow. Citrus helps too. I am probably out of whack because I have been drinking much more water lately and my body will have to adjust to it. I am working on getting rid of the caffeine and soda, but not cold turkey. Lots of water instead.

So as to not stay up TOO much later I am going to go work for one of my 10 minute intervals. I hope to: switch some laundry to the dryer, put away all the food, change the trash bag, put away the clean dishes and get started on the dirty dishes. Ready, set. go!

I am back! I didn't start washing the dirties, but got the other stuff done. I did get my medicine and turn on the heater in my room so I can get to bed soon. I want to try to not stay up too late, even though I napped.

Michael told me today he wants me to go to Science Olympiad Saturday. Part of it is that he wants to come back to Blgtn afterward and almost everyone else wants to stay and watch the basketball team in THEIR state competition. Frankly, I really don't want to go. I used to go to every competition when he was in middle school and his freshman year. Last year I just lost my oomph for getting on a school bus at 5:00 in the morning and traveling across the state to mostly sit and be bored. When I kind of said that he wistfully (can a 17 year old boy really be wistful?) replied, "I used to really like it when you came all the time." How can a mom resist that? At least I won't have to go at 5:00 in the morning. I will drive up later so we will have the car and bring back Michael and Timothy. They must be the geekiest of the geeks if they don't want to watch the team in the state basketball finals in INDIANA!!! Michael also needs to complete that essay Sunday, AND he likes to go to bed at 9:00. I dread going to Indy when there will be so much going on. ugh. At least Michael is doing a couple of building events; bottle rockets and something robotic, I think. Those events are fun to watch. He won state in bottle rockets in either 8th or ninth grade. He's really good at it, but he told me today he's not too confident in their rocket. He is very confident that he and Alexander will win in the fossils event. When they were practicing identification in the IU geology dept this week, he corrected the grad student who was "coaching." I guess I shouldn't complain about the piles of "rocks" all over my porch!

So positive thoughts for a good rest of the week that will be restful, not too stressful and help us prepare or another busy weekend which we will execute with confidence, energy and FLAIR!

Friendship...

From "The Wonder Spot" by Melissa Bank:

That made it hard to believe that Venice and I were the same person underneath everything, which is what I thought love required.

Maybe this is where S**** is who responded to my shudder so strongly. Maybe there are lots of people in the world who think to be really good friends or really love someone you need to be "the same person underneath." Does it scare people to love someone who is different than they are? Do they think that if someone is unlike them that they are wrong about those differences? I think I have made great choices for my life and some great recoveries from hardships I have borne. I recognize that other people have made different choices and other types of recoveries or reactions. Does that mean I can't love them? No. I feel like I love the differences in my friends and family, even those who have made different choices than I.

Many years ago Sheri, M & Em's stepmother, sent me this long letter about Emily. She said that Emily was disrespectful and treated them and me disrespectfully. I realized as I read that Sheri felt like disagreeing with someone and verbalizing it or demonstrating that disagreement was disrespectful. My reaction and reply (which was unsent) was that I want Emily to be a strong woman who expresses her opinion and disagreement! Michael and I disagree on many, many things. We talk about them. We sometimes argue a point, (he explains the scientific reasons while I explain my feelings), but we still love and respect each other immensely.

Probably in my life I will come across more people who can't fully love or appreciate someone who is not the "same person underneath." Maybe I have before and never realized it as the basis for the end of a relationship. I have blamed geography or finances or time pressures or something. My naivete is showing right now, I believe.

Unrelated: My new back door is in the garage. I need to go buy new hardware and knobs and stuff. The guy said just call when I am ready and we'll set it up! I'm pretty excited and I hope the weather stays nice enough to do it.
Positive thoughts toward more beautiful weather, more activity, more joy in the sunshine.

Blog "Tag" thing from Erin

THE RULES:
Step 1: respond and rework—answer the questions on your own blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own.
Step 2: tag—other people.

Make a list of things you can see without getting up:
Too many to list. TV and machines that go with it, CDs and DVDs, fish, plant, window and outside world, calculator and paperwork on desk, phone, remote controls, napkin, church newsletter, MUCH MUCH MORE.

Favorite football team: I don't really have one. When I went to Purdue I used to go to the games because it was free. Now I go to IU if I get free tickets from work. It was nice when the Colts won the Superbowl, but I don't really care.

What are you wearing now? Black pants and shoes and a pink short-sleeved shirt.

What’s the last thing you read/are currently reading?
Yesterday I finished "A Patchwork Planet" by Anne Tyler, and I also started "The Wonder Spot" by Melissa Bank at the same time

Do you nap a lot? Constantly lately. It makes me worry.

Who was the last person you hugged? Michael

What’s your current obsession/addiction? Maybe Junior Mints. They seem to be the only thing that makes my mouth taste good. Of course, my old standby is tomato juice, must be Campbell's.

What was the last thing you said aloud? Be careful, watch out for idiots.

What Web sites do you always visit when you go online? Blogs, Facebook, Yahoo! email. Sometimes the DAMU sites.

What was the last thing you bought? I bought Taco Bell food for Michael last night on the way home. He wanted even fast food beans because he felt like he needed protein so badly.

What is something you wish you could do more? see the people I love…. (me too)

What gives you hope? I don't know, but I tend to feel hopeful mostly, and if I start to feel despair instead I worry about my health.

What is your favorite weather, and why? I like it warm. about May - October is good for me, then I have problems.

What time do you usually get up? The alarm goes off at 6:30, but I don't always get up like I should.

What is your most challenging goal right now? My quest for fitness and health.

If you could have a house–totally paid for, fully furnished–anywhere in the world, where would you want it to be? I THINK New Mexico or Arizona. Someplace warmer and with mountains.

Favorite vacation spot? You all know it's Disney World! I LONG to get to go someday and stay in one of the Disney resorts instead of some discount hotel or motel.

What is your favorite children’s book? Oh, goodness, I don't know. I loved the Bobsey Twins and I also read "The Snow Queen" in the "Young Folks Library" books we had over and over.

Name one thing you just can’t resist no matter how bad it is for you? Maybe soda. I went for two years - maybe more - without it once, but right now I can't seem to kick it.

Have you ever met anyone famous? I don't know. I see John Mellencamp around town sometimes, but I don't talk to him because I don't want to bother him. I do have something funny I'd like to tell his wife, but whenever I see her she's with the boys and I don't want to interrupt their family time.

If you could have any job in the world, what would it be? I am finding out if it might be to own my own baking and catering business. We shall see!

What was the last thing you ate? A protein bar and a pack of Cheetos.

If you had $500 in your hand right now… I'd pay more bills or save it towards Michael's trips.

If you didn’t have a job or go to school what would you do with your time?
I would volunteer at community kitchen and Shalom Center. I would knit and do crafts and read and write and walk. I would go to more concerts of all kinds and I would travel. If I still had to earn money I would work to start my business more quickly.

What is your favorite place to go out to eat and what do you order?
I think Irish Lion. I order Blarney Puffballs and Celtic Stew. If I feel rich I might order a steak. But you know what? I eat at Office Lounge much more often! There it is fried mushrooms and either a chopped steak or steak dinner, depending on finances.

What is your very first memory? Sitting on my Uncle Dick's lap at a birthday party and eating potato chips, french onion dip and drinking Pepsi. See where I got my good food habits?

Would you go back to school if you had the money? Well I kind of am in school right now with my small business classes and I take the ServeSafe Food handling course next Monday.

When you go to Dairy Queen, what kind of blizzard do you order? I don't like them usually. I get a small dipped cone. Once a year I get a Mocha Moo-latte!

Hope's new question is: Do you have a favorite movie you watch repeatedly? What is it?
My answer is: Yes, and probably "You've Got Mail" But you know what? It drives me crazy that the title is really not grammatically correct. It should be "You Have Mail" or "You have Received New Mail." I'm a little nuts...

Yesterday...

I went up to Indy and had Mexican food for lunch with Emily and Heather, who had decided to skip church. After lunch we went for a 45 minute walk at the State Park half of it was up a LLLOOONNNGG hill, but not too steep, still a good workout. Then we all drove over together to get Hippie Boy who was so happy to see us. Emily got a chance to say hi to her little sister there, which was nice for them. I sure Emily didn't like that seeing her dad and Sheri was part of THAT, but I am glad she wants to maintain a relationship with the little sister. I think it's important.

Poor Michael was really sad about the food he had to eat all week. His dad was supposed to take him to the dr. for a follow-up on the wrist and didn't do it, so I had to take time off work today and do it. He also has had pain when he pees, which is a VERY BAD THING in our family. When he went to the dr. in January and they performed $1200 worth of lab tests, they didn't do the long culture on the urine so they took more today, because our family history of the reflux and all the kidney ailments. She said, "We'll also check it for other infections." and I said, "Oh, he doesn't have VD, I already asked him and the possibility is zero, unless you really can get it from public toilets." She laughed, but she has known us pretty long so I am sure she wasn't too surprised that I would flat out ask him and didn't need the code "other infections" to keep me happy or not embarrass Michael. I'd much rather embarrass my children than not know what is going on with them! Anyway, you probably have to at least have a date first before you could get an STD, unless he's lying about all that time he says he spends at Science Olympiad. :)

I am anxious to watch John and Kate + Eight tonight. It looks like they have a fairly serious relationship issue. I hope that they are able to work it out, but the voyeur side of me can't wait to see it. I feel kind of guilty for being so curious. At the same time, I guess they are the ones who have made the choice to have their life filmed and broadcast on TV.

Michael is off to Bike Project. His fixed gear broke today so we dropped it off after the dr. appt and then he rode his road bike down. I hope he doesn't get the "fixie" repaired tonight because I want to watch that show. Am I a bad mother, or what? I think it is a complicated repair anyway AND he doesn't spend all his time working on his own bike. Because he is a long-time volunteer and such a good mechanic he helps the regular people who take in their own bikes or are working on the "Earn-A-Bike" program learn to work on their bikes, too.

I had a little headache today, but not too bad. Yesterday I didn't seem to have any blood sugar issues, but I didn't really test a lot either. I was 115 fasting this morning which is good for me. A lot of times I have the "dawn phenomenon" which is common to Type II diabetics, where if your sugar gets low in the night, your liver makes a sugar dump and then you wake up high. My weight has varied a lot lately, which is discouraging, but I really do think a lot of the variation has to do with fluid retention because even though my feet and ankles haven't been swollen a lot lately, my eyes have bags of fluid under them in the morning. Ugly and gross. I decided to measure my waist tonight, which I haven't done for a LONG time. I am going to set the goal to get under 35 inches, which is the danger size for women. I don't know if I'll be brave enough to post the inches here. I might be too embarrassed. I am also thinking of having Katie take a before shot of me, Biggest Loser style, showing the gut with the stretch marks and everything. Surely seeing some reality like that will be motivating!

Positive thoughts tonight toward continued healing and I feel the need to wish comfort for those who grieve, whatever the cause.

Stayed home last night..

Debbie did her cancel on me thing, which she used to do all the time, but has recently forsaken it. We used to call her my "friend who cancels all the time." I thought I might go out and get some dinner anyway, but then decided to stay home and eat what I had here (plenty of food) and be able to take Emily someplace nicer for lunch today with the money. She is up at Heather's in Indy because they went to see Ben Folds last night. Heather will go to church between 1 and 4 and I am going to go see Emily and have some lunch with her. At the appropriate time I will head east to Greenfield and fetch Hippie Boy from his dad's. I wish I had planned ahead a little better or retrieved my mail from the PO a little sooner because I just now read the UU church newsletter and there is a veggie potluck at 5:00 today and a focus on ethical eating. I am sure Michael would have been really interested in it. I could still call Ed and ask, but then Michael would have to get packed and take all his stuff to church with him and I would have to pick him up at the church to make it back here even CLOSE to 5, and it sounds too hard.

The worst part is Michael skips Priesthood meeting anyway and just walks around the church. He has never been ordained and figures why should he go. I think it's inappropriate to force him to go to church at all. If the church says people are accountable enough to decide they want to join at 8 years old, why aren't the very same people accountable enough to decide they no longer want to attend or be a member until they are eighteen? Things that make you go hmmm...

Now I just need to decide if I want to get ready in time to go to church before I head up to Indy. It starts at 11:15 and is usually over by 12:15 at the latest. I haven't been for a while because I have been hibernating so much. Today's sermon is "A Year to Live." inspired by a book by the same name and subtitled, "How to Live This Year as if it Were Your Last." I just decided that knowing that, I'm not going to go. I think I already try to live every day to its fullest. Seeing my brother die WAY too early, knowing the good life he lived was lesson enough for me. When he was sick I realized that it could be any one of us, any day. I could pull out of the parking lot at work, someone runs the stoplight and I'm gone. When everybody in America was all over watching that "Last Lecture" guy on YouTube and Oprah and all that I never watched it or listened to it one time. Something about it bothers me. Like maybe I think we shouldn't have to be taught to embrace life and think of each day as a gift. I know I bitch sometimes and have my days I complain, especially if I have physical pain or discomfort. I know I complain about people sometimes. I know there are times I have been offensive to specific people or groups of people in this very blog. Despite all that I LOVE LIFE! I love the life I have with my family and friends and home and I cherish every second. So there.

I hope it gets as warm as it is predicted today. Maybe I can get Emily to go for a walk with me after lunch, if she took good walking shoes. There is a state park up there I have wanted to check out and maybe we'll have time. I think it even has handicap accessible trails which means flat enough for me to not have a heart attack and die.

Well, positive thoughts today for a good trip to Indy, time to see my children - I don't think I've seen Emily since the holidays, though we do talk on the phone - and for the joy of having hippie boy back home.

Oh and we all need to have positive thoughts for Katie (the roommate/friend Katie, not the niece). She is in crisis and is finally getting an appt with a new therapist this week to help her deal with it. We need to think of it going well and that she will get a good match with an effective therapist. Niece Katie needs positive thoughts for her pregnancy, and mine go toward a boy, but she's three for three on girls, so far!

Yowsers.

I made my trip to the post office, then on to Target to return something. I decided to walk down and eat at Chick-Fil-A, having not had my weekly fix this week because of Michael's absence, therefore no cello lesson. I ate, including fries, then walked all around Sears for a while, which I haven't done for a long time, then walked back down to Target, all around the edges of the store and out. I walked maybe half an hour, total and about the last fifteen minutes was pretty brisk. I drove home, decided I felt a little wonky, so checked my sugar 75 , which is like a before meal number and must eat soon number for me. I poured some grape juice and my hands were shaking. I had thought I felt all sweaty while I was walking, but figured I was just getting good and aerobic. It didn't occur to me that my sugar could possibly be low after eating what was really too much food! And it was protein on whole grain bread, and the fries are potatoes, but usually when they are cooked in fat I am okay with them not spiking and dropping me. So it must have been the combination, or maybe my sugar was still on the way up.... I don't know. I ought to check it now. It's probably insanely high....yeah - now it's 141 after about 8 oz. of grape juice. That's not super-high. My post prandial (after eating - should be about 2 hours) goal is 120-140. I wonder if I ought to keep checking frequently today and make sure I'm not too wonky. I was thinking of driving out to McCormick's Creek and walking a trail, but now I am too nervous. I especially wouldn't want to do it alone and I couldn't think of anyone to ask. I considered Pat, but he usually runs instead of walks and I think my lack of speed would make him insane.

Debbie wants to go out to karaoke tonight and I'd like to go. I hope I am leveled out and don't get a headache or anything from this wierdness.

Good News.

Lu is home from the hospital! YAY. I can't wait until she's ready for some long phone conversations. I'll help her exercise her mouth and lungs.

I took another nap after work! I meant to go to a movie tonight, but now it's so late I would end up out past midnight. There's a "Slumdog Millionaire" that starts at 10:10 I could make, but I don't know if I can hack it. Last night I took a two hour nap, tried to watch President O. on The Tonight Show and still fell asleep before his interview was over.

I need to eat some food, but I don't know what to eat. There's plenty here, but it all requires preparation. Ugh.

Positive thoughts tonight toward an "Attitude of Energy" for the weekend. It was my motto last year and I definitely need to get going on it again.

The Napping House

There was a house, a napping house, where everyone was sleeping. By Don and Audrey Wood.

I live there. No cats, no dogs. No fleas. No mice (I hope), but boy did I sleep after work! I just woke up a few minutes ago. Now I am going to get a little food and beverage in my body at watch TV and do some movement while I watch. Tuesday while I watched "Biggest Loser" I did some stuff with my dumb bells and marched and walked. It's a shame that I have been so tired after work this week that I haven't gone to any of my favorite trails and walked outside. :( It's supposed to get cold again too. Boo. It will warm up eventually.

Lu is FINALLY off IV stuff. What was supposed to have been 5-7 days in the hospital has become over two weeks. They just couldn't get her blood pressure to stay high enough. Nick (her husband) reported today that it is getting better and they are anticipating home either today or tomorrow. I eagerly anticipate the next positive report.

I didn't report on Dad's last thing which is they did find a polyp in his colon and remove it, but they don't really think that's the cause of the bleeding. Next thing is he will swallow a little camera that goes all the way through so they can look again... Remember that old movie? What was it? The Magnificent Journey? Where the people were miniaturized and went through a person's body. Soon the doctors will be doing that instead of sending a camera!

Cooked carrots are good.

Michael called me today. He's the worst phone talker EVER. He sounds okay, though. I am ready for him to get home.

I got used patio doors, mostly like I want, but not real wood, at the Habitat for Humanity Re-Store for $80. Turns out new ones like I want are over $1000. It will probably cost more for me to replace the hardware than the actual doors cost!

Positive thoughts today are for the approaching weekend. I am ready for a day off.

More on my "shudder"

I have been thinking about it all day and bounced some emails back and forth with a couple of other close friends who know ****. One of them is still a faithful church member, the other has left the Mormon church, but is still a very spiritually practicing Christian. They both made some really good points in their emails and have certainly given me a lot to think about. I am grateful for both of their friendships. I would not think of unfriending either of them because of our differences. ****'s words in her email I quoted below remind me of all the people who write on the DAMU (Disaffected Mormon Underground) about when they profess their disbelief their spouses see it as losing the bonds or the commitment in their relationship, suddenly invalidating their marriage vows, and then the believing spouse is the one who leaves and files for divorce! It seems like I have especially seen a lot of broken-hearted men in that position.

One thing that intrigues me is that both **** and **** with whom I emailed today mentioned differences in our lifestyles. My lifestyle and values really have not changed that much. I don't think it's a "sin" to drink, but I hardly ever do it. Heck, if I am going to consume extra carbs and calories it is going to be in the form of chocolate! The only time I have EVER been drunk (I must qualify since I left the church) is that night after Halloween and that was some kind of fluke... I am grateful I was with Pat who made sure I didn't do anything stupid and took care of me. I don't think it's a "sin" to have sex outside of marriage either. I do think, however, that one has to be careful with intimacy, realize what it means to you and protect yourself and your feelings...(and also don't harm other people). When a friend emailed asking if she should or she shouldn't I really felt like she shouldn't, because I knew she would attach emotional intimacy to the physical intimacy and end up hurt.

I still haven't responded to the message about my Facebook entry. Part of me wants to delete that note, because I don't want to be offensive, and part of me says leave it there. It is true to what I feel. I regret those years that I was so deeply into the church that I lost sight of myself, of my personal needs, my emotional needs, my intellectual needs and felt like I had to live some proscribed lifestyle and standards to which I would never measure up accordingly. There was no mercy in it for me, only depression, despair and failure. I know that that is not the way God, or even "the church" wants people to feel, but that's what it did to me and I had to leave to save myself.

One of the final straws came when I attended BYU Women's Conference. I was just starting treatment for depression and making myself realize that taking medicine for depression was not some sign of terrible weakness, that meds were a tool I could use to help myself and get back to where I needed to be. I felt guilty and weak and selfish because I felt like I wasn't going to be able to function much longer without chemical help. Then I went to a talk by John Bytheway, one of the huge, crowd-attracting main speakers. He said in his talk - this won't be word for word, but something like, "Women should not be depressed. If you are depressed you are literally wounding the heart of the Savior because you are not accepting the grace of his mercy." I should look for what year that was and see if it is in the book they publish with many of the talks in it. That struck ME in the heart and wounded MY heart. A couple of years after that our Bishop challenged the entire ward to read the Book of Mormon in thirty days. If I recall correctly, if you ready 28 pages a day, it can be done. I faithfully set out to do so, realizing it had been since Seminary that I had read the entire thing. As I read I got to the verse... I don't remember the reference now maybe somewhere in second Nephi, that says something like Okay I looked it up here it is: #
Alma 32: 27
27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than a desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

and I realized I did NOT desire to believe. I had been trying and trying to believe for years, trying with all my heart to follow the commandments and do what I was supposed to - yet all I felt was guilt and pain. What I desired was to feel good, be loved, and be able to do what was right for myself and my children and that wasn't found in the LDS church for me!

Since that time I feel like I have grown so much! I have made steps toward deciding what I really want to do career-wise. I have taken classes in different fields, explored my talents and am finally (I hope) coming to some idea of what I want my life to be in terms of work. I have been a good mother - really! I know my children are amazing and talented in their own rights, but I allowed them the opportunities to learn and grow in the fields they have chosen. I nurtured and loved them and supported them and I still do! I admire their wisdom and their principles and when they have screwed up a couple of times I have been there to help them through it. I have amazing friends IRL and online both, friends in all different countries, religions, careers and ages and stages of life. I have family and extended family whom I love and admire. I love my nieces so much and sometimes I am heartbroken that we are so far away and see them so infrequently. I wish I were better at communicating so they would know that! I am so grateful for the ones who blog so I get glimpses into daily life and get to see all the pictures of the children more. I am learning to love my parents more fully and respect how they tried to parent. There were a lot of mistakes, but I am realizing that they did the best they could. Sometimes I tell Em & M, "I do the best I can. It's just that sometimes it sucks." I realized I needed to apply that to my own mom and dad! I had the best man in the world for a big brother and he died. I am so sad about that, but since then my other brother, who actually abused me when we were young has tried hard to fill a big brother role in my life. I am grateful for that.

All that is a rant or a ramble, but what it boils down to is MY LIFE IS COMPLETE. I am happy. I am grateful. I am growing. I love and I am loved. I don't disrespect anybody because they are Mormon or Hindu or Buddhist or whatever... If somebody were compelled by a belief to harm someone or harm themselves I would be wary. Well I was harmed, whether by myself or by the words or actions of others in the culture of the church and it (the church) had to go for me to continue to become the person who I am today. I regret putting it in a way that hurt someone's feelings, but I don't regret my decision at all.

Maybe this is too personal,

but I really am hurt and sad and I feel the need to express it. I did a thing on facebook that was "What were you doing 15 years ago, 10 years ago, 5 years ago. On 10 years ago I put: 5) Where did you hang out? Church stuff (shudder)

One of my friends with whom a lot of that hanging out wrote me this long response:

Hope,
It hurts me to read about the shudders the gospel/ church gives you. I remember you sharing the difference of going away from the church and coming back - how having the gospel in your life the second time around was such a blessing. You said you would never leave again. I remember going to the temple with you. I remember sharing spiritual experiences with you. I look at myself, and think I would be a whole different person without the gospel. It has shaped me and affected me in everything I am and want to be. The effects are what I let them to be - and I know there are no limits from God's side... it is my own lack of faith or willingness to let Him help me that makes the progress slow at times...
Each time I read about your comments on your feelings about the church today, I feel hurt. You 'shudder' everything the church is... I am part of it...
When you last came here to visit us, I knew you were on your way out of the church. I wanted to say so many things, but couldn't make myself do it. Instead, what I remember, rambled on about all kind of dumb stuff and felt sick for a long time after. It took you a while to let me know you had left the church, but I had known a long time before... The spirit had left - there was a whole different kind of feeling about you. You say you hold on to friendships for a lifetime, but I don't know what our friendship is? How can you think of me as a friend, when everything I believe in and try to live in my life is about the very thing that brings all the negative feelings in you?
How do you separate your feelings for your friends in the church from those toward the church?

You are a talented, fun person and I am really impressed with the creative side you've developed (not that you weren't creative years ago, it's just that I can really see how you've IMPROVED in it, like an artist would). I think your life is full and you find happiness in the things you do. I wish you well in everything you do and continuing happiness.

I am NOT necessarily saying good-bye... It does look like it, doesn't it... What I am saying is, I feel our friendship has changed from 17 years ago. I felt it take a deep dip during your last visit to ****. It took me couple of years to be able to contact you once you told me that you had left the church. I was so mad at you and I was so mad at mySELF!!! I kept thinking that if I only had tried to talk to you when I saw all the negativity and signs of your talking yourself out of the church, perhaps things would have turned out differently. It took me a long while to realize that you get to make your own decisions and I can't be mad at myself.

I hope you all the best in the things you wish for and goals you've set for yourself. You have raised two beautiful, talented young people. It is great to see the things they've accomplished and certainly hope to be able to keep in touch to continue to share the accomplishments of our lives (or our children's lives) '').

I think this is the first time I have ever felt rejected because of my church status or non-status. All the people I have considered true friends and not just acquaintances through church have remained in my life. My family has still treated me the same. My sister-in-law is the most "testimony bearing" of anybody, but I don't feel like she would ever dissociate herself from me in any way, and I know she does it out of true concern. I just let it pass by, just like many of the silly emails she forwards... :). And I DO separate my feelings about my friends in the church from my feelings about the church. The church is not really everything a person is! When I remember my time with this friend, sure there are relief society meetings and junk in there, but I remember more the fun times we did other things together more, trips to parks, picnics, kids playing, dinners, when her grandparents stayed at my house, meeting her family, etc. She specifically mentioned feeling so close to me because we had attended the temple together and to me, that just wasn't the whole picture, and maybe not even a big part of it, just one little piece in our lives. I think I am hurt because it feels to me like she is discounting the rest of all those years and somehow they don't count now if I am not a Mormon.

Oh my!

Those people running a half marathon on The Biggest Loser are amazing. None of them are skinny skinny yet, yet they are doing it! When I was fit I could maybe walk thirteen miles, but I can't imagine ever running it. I feel so proud just because I did some weights with my five pounders tonight and I plan to do my (minuscule undisclosed amount) of minutes and hope for a couple extra tonight! My weight id down a little now. I am finally back under 215 - 213, this morning. I weighed myself tonight even after eating dinner and drinking a big glass of liquid and it was still under 215 - 214.4. Woot.

I feel sorry for Sione and Felipe who have to run in Arizona. Holy crap it must be hot.

Positive thoughts tonight toward fitness for all. It's a hard journey for some of us, but when we so even little bitty goals and little bitty good choices it all works together. Lu keeps walking those laps to the nurse's station and I keep marching in front of the TV and lift my little weights. It's all good.

Sleeping...

I am all alone tonight - Michael at Ed's, Katie went back to Indy after work again. I came home and lay down to read for a while, then slept and slept until after 8:00. I meant to get the house cleaned up and go for a walk on the trail because it was warm again today. All gone now.

I just ate a salad that I had left over from lunch. I added some ham and cheese so it would have some protein. I still want a little more something. I wish I had enough oomph to drive to Wendy's and get a sandwich. I don't really feel like cooking anything because the kitchen is so messy, but I would like something hot. Hmmm.

I will do at least a little work and a little movement before I go back to bed, but I swear I could go in and go back to bed for the night right now. That's kind of funny to say because I have been waking up several times a night for the last few nights....that's probably why I am so tired tonight! I thought I'd sleep like a baby after hiking for two hours yesterday. I was kind of frustrated when I woke up at 3:12! Sigh.

So positive thoughts toward a few good things happening tonight and the feelings of satisfaction that will result.

Pioneer Children...

walked and walked and walked and walked. We were on the trail for almost two hours. We didn't walk the entire time. We spent some time watching over the bridge rail and I had to sit on a log here and there, but I managed some good uphills and a couple of tricky stream crossings that made me feel very accomplished. At one point I thanked Michael for being patient with me and asked if it frustrates him that he has to go slowly - here is his response, although it won't be word for word because I don't remember things that way. "Sometimes I do feel impatient, but I think of you as Outdoors Woman who can really do anything if you try. I have just always thought of you that way and I always will." My nieces are laughing their heads off right now if they are reading this, because I think I seem like a scared wimp to them! Really though - my inner self DOES feel like the Outdoors Woman. I grew up fishing with my dad, I remember canoe trips with extended family. My immediate family frequently camped at State Parks and we spent time with my cousins in Tennessee at their lake cottage. I could swim when I was about three and started diving off the high dive when I was probably about six. I taught myself to ride a two-wheeler and could roller skate and ice skate well also. I have hiked with a full pack and can cook over a campfire like you wouldn't believe. When my children were small we often went hiking and camping, even though I was single... who needs a man to pitch a tent? Not me! I felt so pleased that Michael said all that to me. We talked about how I really still feel that I have those abilities, but they are limited by my health - both illness and fat. Right now while I work to increase my movement and manage my chronic illnesses and pain I feel like I can move back toward that again. So it was a very good day. I am sure I will be sore tomorrow, but I am so glad that it was nice today and I was able to share that time with Michael before he left for the week.

We passed one family on the trail where the mom had the baby in a carrier on her front and I said, "Do you know what happens when you carry your baby around on you and take it hiking and walking and love it all the time?" He said, "You end up with a really nice son!" I said "or daughter" because that baby's gender identification markers said girl baby.

I am so happy to have such a nice son. He reminds me so much of my brother Bobby in so many ways. On about Thursday at work Gillian and Stacey were complaining about all the trouble they are having with their teenage boys. Going on and on about it. Gillian is a good mom, in my opinion, Stacey, not so sure. During the entire conversation I just sat quietly and worked because all I wanted to say was, "You know last night, Michael laid his head on my shoulder and said, 'I love you so much. I'm so glad you're my mom.' but I didn't want to gloat.

P.S. I love Emily too, honestly. She's not as demonstrative as Michael. Never has been, never will. She is SO MUCH like me sometimes it is absolutely scary and half the time we communicate with telepathy. We have a good relationship, but it is completely different than my relationship with Michael.

Today

Michael is taking me here http://www.browncountystatepark.com/trails.html

in a little bit for a "walk." I know I will get in at least (undisclosed amount of minutes that is my goal that is so small that I am embarrassed) minutes today. It will be slow, but long, I'm sure.

We are going to go to Bloomingfoods and eat healthy food from the deli/food bar before we go so I know I won't have a blood sugar crisis. Also Michael wants to be sure to have a really good healthy meal before he goes to his dad's for a week where they only have crap and don't care that he is a vegetarian and he has to live on white bread and peanut butter. I would normally cook said healthy meal for boy, but ummm... I haven't had a clean kitchen since Wednesday.

We are also taking our new water bottles. Super cool. We rock.

A different kind of Saturday

Because Michael was home and he has been gone so often lately, either to his dad's or to a school activity. Also because he can't ride his bike because of his wrist so he depended on me for transportation.

I slept and enjoyed it, had a little brekkie, started one load of laundry and did one load of dishes (There are scads!), then took him downtown. I decided I would do some necessary stuff instead of coming home and just doing housework. The most exciting thing was that I went to the office supply store and bought equipment to start files for Hope's Homemades. I already have a few receipts that are business related and I want to keep really good track so I can deduct, especially in this year when it will probably all be investment and no income. I decided my method is to file monthly in a separate folder for expenses and income. I will staple each receipt to a piece of paper and notate what event or use the items were for. One of the reasons I am good at clerical work is because I actually enjoy paying attention to the small details and it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside! I was also pleased to see at the store that they have ready-made forms for orders and receipts etc, that I can purchase at a reasonable price when it is time. Although when we discussed start-up cost and expenses the other night in class I listed one of mine as a new computer and software. It may be that there is software to totally take care of that stuff. I just have to research and find out. So that was a kick for me. I feel so official, organized and businessy now!

I went to CVS pharmacy to blow the rest of a free gift card on something silly - I bought a smelly candle - but I also discovered stainless steel water bottles for $3.00. After I went to get Michael he liked it so much he said we should go back and buy more so we bought SIX total. He really needs good ones for when he hikes and rides AND they have caribiners on them so he could even clip them on when he climbs and I might be able to find a way to have one with me when I walk. Sometimes I don't drink enough when I walk the longer distances because I HATE carrying a water bottle with me. Heck I can tie one of these around my neck with a string.

I felt a little sad being away from home so much when usually on Saturdays I hang out and get the house all clean. I don't have to freak though because tomorrow is another day and Michael will be going to his dad's for spring break starting tomorrow night so I don't have to worry about cooking for him and all that. I feel a lot less stress to be Hope Homemaker when Hippie Boy is not here.

After we got home I did take a little of my usual Saturday nap. Alexander came over and he and Michael went for a long walk. Michael is worried that he'll gain weight if he can't ride his bike. Ummm, boy, didn't the doctor just tell us that you need some more weight? He's afraid if he gains from not exercising, however, that it will be fat and not the good weight he wants. He's so fit that it's scary. His pulse was 56 in the ER the other night- and that was with an injury in a stressful situation.

Well now I need to switch load number two to the dryer - I did finally start another load - and do my micro-goal on intentional movement because I rock. It's that simple.

Positive thoughts today are for when Michael is spending time at his dad's that it will be tolerable and maybe even strengthen some relationships for the better. Let's keep thinking that way. I told him even if it is his relationship with Liahona, the sister, that that is important and that she can see Michael as a kind person in her life and it will help her.

Tired, but relaxed.

I worked very hard again today. They really mean this "less people, more work" thing! It's better than going out of business like some other newspapers have!

When I came home tonight I was SO tired. I lay down in my bed and Michael came and rested with me. He was STARVING, though. I didn't want to cook and he is one-handed so we went out to eat at Max's place (Hey! It's payday!) and listened to a bluegrass band that was fun and good. http://www.maxsplace.info/

Then we walked around downtown. A lot of the shops on the square close early so we looked around the the tattoo shop, Athena, and Caveat Emptor Books store. It was mellow and relaxing. We came home and I talked on the phone with Debbie a bit. We had discussed going our tonight, but neither of us really wanted to by then. She had been to the hospital to help a friend and stuff and I was just plain tired.

So now I have been playing computer, facebooking and just generally wasting time. I think I am going to go take my evening meds, and watch What Not to Wear until I fall asleep. I hope I sleep better than last night. I had a really horrible waking in the night and not able to go back to sleep night. I am surprised I have even made it this far tonight!

Positive thoughts toward a happy weekend with good balance of house, Michael and friends, rest and work and other happy things. :)

It's not broken...

... only sprained. Hippie Boy crashed into a railroad tie, flipped over the handlebars and landed mostly on his left wrist. The instinctive thing to say is, "It's good thing you're right-handed." Cellist - remember? Sigh. A few days break from cello and bicycling for him! This happened while I was in class. When I got home the bike was out and not in the garage, then as I walked down the hall I noticed the medicine box down, then walked into the purple room to find Michael icing his wrist. It was almost 8:30. I said, "Promptcare closes at 9:00, let's go NOW." When we got there, the sign on the door said 8:00.. Waahh... So we had to go to the hospital where it took two hours or so. No break, but the soft tissue damage is so bad it showed up on the x-rays.

Made two cheesecakes last night. Vanilla and mint. The vanilla was excellent. The mint I used real peppermint oil instead of flavoring. I was uncertain of the amount and it was a bit strong. So next time 1/2 tsp, not a full tsp. Both cakes got pretty good reviews. I took some to work and some to class.

Dad is out of hospital and feeling better. Lu felt better once they let her have coffee! That was probably the solution all along.

Now the healing thoughts need to be directed toward Michael's wrist, just add him to the list!

Positive thoughts toward all the healing necessary and also for me for selling a special product right now.

Positive thoughts...

Well... my class was switched to Thursday this week instead of Wednesday so I am taking the cheesecake samples everybody has been begging for. I made one vanilla and one chocolate crust with mint filling which I will top with drizzled chocolate. However, one crust dripped butter so the oven got all smoky. I am hoping and the positive thoughts are that the cheesecakes will turn out well and that they won't taste like burnt butter smoke....

I am tired now and keep yawning a lot so I am going to go open the oven door and let it finish cooling (one of my cheesecake tricks, I think), get ready for bed and hit the sack.

I finally finished my book.

Maya Angelou's "Heart of A Woman."

I enjoyed it and it was really enhanced by hearing her speak while I was reading it. I really attribute it to intuition/ my psychic abilities that I chose to read that book the night before they announced that she was coming to speak. When she spoke it really validated a lot of the feelings I had when I was reading the book. I can't take the time to write about it now (I am in a secret location), but maybe later I will have time to get all literary. We'll see. One of her closing statements was something like, "We have more in common, than we have in differences."
I loved her. I loved the book. There is one more edition of her memoirs I have not yet read, the second one that comes after, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings." It's going to be on my must-read list and I will have to start stalking the used book stores again. I had put a moratorium on book buying until I complete everything I have, but I really want to watch for this one!

More later.

Regular old day.

which means I worked my ass off and I am tired as hell. It was really warm today and very nice. I had to go to the Post Office on my lunch hour because they were holding my mail hostage because I was delinquent in emptying my box. It gets full super fast because of all the college catalogs and crap for Michael. Every college in America is recruiting him. One of the things in there was notification that he has been nominated for the "Leaders of Tomorrow" scholarship program. It is kind of a fun one because you get your picture taken and then they are displayed in the schools in the mall and at the county fair over the summer. Only three of the area nominees actually get scholarships, but it's nice to have everyone in town see how wonderful your child is! Emily was nominated for that one too, but didn't win the scholarship. After I got the mail I sat in my car with the windows open and enjoyed my lunch and it was SO WONDERFUL.

It was so nice we cooked out for dinner. Katie and I had hotdogs and Michael had a veggie burger. I made a nice broccoli salad and it was so yummy and summery and felt good. Of course the temperature is supposed to drop thirty degrees overnight so tomorrow I will probably be miserable and have a sinus headache.

Dad is still in hospital.

I still don't know the new baby's name.

Katie is back here and seems more stable tonight.

Lu took a shower and it made her blood pressure drop too much so it was a rough day and they had to correct some of her electrolyte levels and all that, but did manage some walking later.

I made kick-ass cookies last night and sent some to Kerri because she had to apologize to customer for my screw up. She sent me an email I decided to add to my flyer, "You should open a bakery and bake more damn good chocolate chip cookies!" So I told her my secret mission and about my classes right now. She and Gillian and Mercedes, the reporter who is writing an article about it, are the only ones at work who know. Oh, one more, April, who also bakes and printed up the flyers on the color printer.

So anyway positive thoughts toward the weather. Maybe it won't be as bad as predicted and the pressure won't be too hard on my head.

Baby update.

It's a girl. seven pounds, twenty inches long. No name yet.

Quick Reports:

Dad: in hospital again, more bleeding. They are going to give him units tonight and do the colonoscopy tomorrow to search again for the source.

Sarah Mae (niece - the "Diapers and Politics" blog one): had a baby. I still await news on gender, size and name.

Lu: FINALLY out of ICU and walking laps to the nurse's station and back.

Katie: crisis night. She's back in Indy at her apartment tonight so we had a phone conference. Helped her plan her next couple of hours and then she'll decide if she's coming back here tonight.

Hope: worked so much, no lunch today. I took some of my soup I made yesterday and had a nice lunch at my desk. I didn't walk yet, but with my minuscule minute goal I can accomplish it still this evening.

Michael: got Monkeylectric lights for his bike and declared them "totally awesome." I agree. I know material things don't make TRUE happiness, but he's been so bummed it felt so great to see him enjoy something.

Emily: starting to plan for graduation - emailed me today about announcements and plans. Yikes. Only a few more weeks of student teaching and she is DONE with college!

Mom: Her sister's husband died. Now my mom is the only remaining of the four sisters with a living husband. I think she's extra worried about Dad because of it.

Heather: is going up to Lafayette tomorrow after work to keep Mom company and check up on her. She is the GOOD daughter. Mom wistfully asked me about my schedule this week about Dad's tests/Uncle Red's funeral, then said, "I know you have to work..."

Positive thoughts toward more healing, maybe a boy baby (but I'll still like it even if it's a girl), emotional wellness included in the healing for all.

List done, mostly

I didn't get it done before I went to get Michael, but all items are accomplished now except: Still haven't finished reading my book, nor chosen new one. Spot clean kitchen floor. I did a little intentional movement and I am excited about that. I think I have made four days in a row now. I also made a list of items that Michael has to do in the house this week. They are all very small items, but he has got to start helping more. It has been too much like the housecleaning fairy comes lately and her wings are getting too damn tired. All the things he does are good things, but he needs to do something to help out EVERY DAY.

Is the kid who plays Ryan on Brothers and Sisters the same actor who is the vampire in Twilight?

Lu is finally out of intensive care as of yesterday. It has been a rough road and not gone as expected, but things seem to be on the upswing.

Positive thought tonight are for more pitching in around the house and more healing thoughts for Lu.

A list for today.

Before I leave for Indy to get Michael I want to:

Make a pot of soup and eat some
Complete laundry.
Vacuum my bedroom.
Complete kitchen cleaning including:
All dishes and sink
counter
stove
table
sweep floor and at least spot clean
Finish reading current book and choose a new one.

Ready, set, go!

Editing to add - also clean out the fish tank.

A big raspberry

to The Schooner Valley Singles Dance. All country music and it looked like we were the only people under sixty. I love people over sixty, but I wanted some peers... so we left and came to the old haunt the Office Lounge and had dinner and karaoke. The cover charge alone at the Dance thing was $8.00 and for that price we had dinner and entertainment at Office Lounge. I am glad we decided not to pay $8.00. Too much! I sang twice at Office Lounge. Debbie doesn't sing, but I swear someday I will get here up there! She wants to go out again tonight, but I am reluctant. She offered to pay my cover if I go to retro night...We'll see.

I got up this morning and went to a Women Inspire breakfast. It was lovely. Good food, a nice presentation from Dr. Karin, my favorite chiropractor, good conversation. I met a guy named Tom who has a product called Juice +. It is made from whole foods, fruits and vegetables, maybe it will be something I can get into Michael to help supplement. It is not as expensive as some of the other supplements and products. I brought home a DVD to watch and there is a presentation this week that I can't attend, but maybe Michael will be able to. I dropped by the Winter Farmer's Market afterward to get Michael some local honey. We're coming into allergy season and I really think the local honey helps him better than Allegra!

It is very nice today and I would like to go for a walk. I wish it weren't so windy, I'd ride my bike. I am going to rest a little first and see about hitting a trail somewhere, or at least around the neighborhood.

Take me out tonight....

Debbie and I are going out again. We are going to try the Schooner Valley Singles Dance at Mike's Dance Barn. I will return and report!

Positive thoughts toward a good time, with a good balance of relaxation, movement, conversation and fun!

Maya Angelou Rocked.

She was pretty feeble tonight and needed assistance and sat while she spoke. We went to the side of the auditorium where the artists always exit and her big RV left as soon as she was done. No meet and greet or book signing. Sad, but I am glad she was able to make it.

She was amazing. Totally. Yep.

Positive thoughts for Dr. Angelou, that she has healing and also that her words were heard as she intended and entered the hearts of those who needed them.

I am overwhelmed and exhausted.

I woke up at 4:00 am, headache back. I tried to go back to sleep, decided I was hungry, checked my sugar - 129, not real high, not real low.... ate a protein bar and a glass of milk - I didn't really need "fast" sugar, decided I was just really hungry because I really didn't eat a lot yesterday. I finally went back to sleep I swear about 15 minutes before the alarm went off at 6:30.

Went to work - plagued with computer problems all day long. The only good part about that is Steve looking over my shoulder while he tries to get my computer to work. So part of the day I did nothing. At least with the new "group goal" policy, it doesn't hurt my paycheck. Had a customer walk in right at 5:00, so had to stay late, didn't have time to come home and see Michael or eat. I ate at Arby's, then went to class. Class was good. Then I went by Bike Project because Michael still doesn't have a light. He wasn't ready to leave so I had to wait for him.... I loaded his bike on the car for him and didn't realize his gloves were perched on the handlebars and he didn't mention it until we arrived home, so they are probably lying in the middle of Madison Street. Sigh...

Drove by school where I was supposed to be helping catalog items for our electronic auction. Michael complaining because he still has homework to do. Yeah - Hippie Boy, homework BEFORE Bike Project. Thank God, they finished without me! Then when we got home somehow we had a discussion about him eating more food and taking the flax oil that left me upset and overwhelmed, and that's where I still am.

My head doesn't hurt right now, but my sugar is probably high or low because my mouth is dry like a desert. So now I am going to go test and either eat (I hope, but probably in vain) or drink a quart of water. Sigh.... I should also do my minutes of intentional movement which is such a minuscule goal of time that I am ashamed to reveal it, but I probably don't even feel like doing THAT much. Maybe if I can accomplish that I will feel some sense of achievement for the day. I will try.

Positive thoughts toward micro-goals. Baby steps like in "What About Bob?" I guess.

Positive thought for today

I am happy that it is 3/3/09. I love little number tricks like that.

I finally left the house today. Michael had to go to a Bike Mechanic Meeting, but he couldn't ride home because his light is broken. We stopped at the store on the way home and I bought beef to make my soup. Of course I have class tomorrow, Boo. I won't get it until Thursday, wait that's when Maya Angelou is speaking... I guess Friday. Sigh... Michael also reminded me how desperately he needs a new pair of shoes. There just seems to be so little time and so many things to do.

The positive thought is toward accomplishing what needs done and getting/staying healthy and balanced.

Lu is out of surgery.

They said it couldn't have gone better. The dr. was able to repair her own valve, rather than option two which was a mechanical replacement. Big sigh of relief.

I wish I had some beef to make stew.

Stayed home today.

I have slept a lot and paid some bills and internet Scrabble Brand Crossword Game, copyright Milton Bradly, but done NO housework or laundry.

I'm waiting for my phone call that Lu is out of surgery, but I am worried.

Everybody must go to Youtube and watch videos - Sarah Haskins - Target: Women. Hilarious and true. There is also her own site where you can watch them, but I couldn't get the sound to work on there. If you're not technologically challenged like I am it might be better to watch them there. Maybe she makes money for views or something.

That is all for now.

Headachey Day

I took the caffeine kind of medicine in the am and the narcotic kind of medicine in the pm and my head feels better now, but I am a little queasy. Michael cooked some ravioli for dinner and I ate some and we'll see what happens.

It might be a little of a stress headache from worrying about Lu. Her surgery is tomorrow. I talked to her last night and it was really good. We actually did discuss the possibility of her death, but we both kept it positive at the same time. I know that sounds strange, but it's true. It's just so bizarre. At least if it happens our last word were, "I love you, goodbye."

Maybe I shouldn't complain about my headache when Lu is having multi-hours-long open heart surgery tomorrow, huh?

Also Michael's cello teacher has sure had a week. She passed out and fell right on her face... concussion, stitches, black eyes... the whole shebang.

heck, even Maya Angelou was sick this week. She had to reschedule for Thursday because she felt so bad.

Is everybody associated with me cursed with ill health? It just seems like lately it is one after the other. Maybe y'all better stop reading my blog, just to be safe.

Positive thoughts tonight are once again for healing for all and especially Lu as she undergoes her surgery tomorrow.

New product.

I have been watching TV today and I just saw a commercial for a product called "Smooth Away" for hair removal. I swear it is sandpaper. I think I have $19.95 + shipping and handling out in my garage should I feel so inclined.

I talked to Dad today and he sounded really good and said he feels much better. He's cheerful and wants to paint the walls red and yellow green. He says he read that those colors are mood enhancers. I'm scared of what I will see next time I go to Lafayette!

I am watching "Beauty Shop" right now. It's really good. I love Queen Latifah and I really like this movie.

I've had a headache all day. It's probably from going to a smoky bar last night. In Bloomington the bars are smoke-free, but we were in Bedford. I am not used to it. I also drank a lot of Diet Coke late at night. I usually still drink one diet soda every day, but before or at lunch, not in the evening. I finally took some medicine a while ago. I was trying to hold off, but then remembered even Dr. Karin told me don't make myself suffer, just take care of it.

Positive thoughts today toward getting a few more household tasks accomplished, one more phone call I need to make and looking forward to Michael
s return tonight.