Monday, March 29, 2010


My neighbor, the crazy dog lady, loaned me her mower tonight. I was able to do all of her lawn and most of mine. It was about 40 minutes of pure instant gratification. I am sure I will be completely skinnier in the morning. I might not have done any intentional movement tonight had it not been for the loan. I had a very hard day at work and felt physically and emotionally exhausted. At one point today I had emailed Garet and told him I felt like crying - he responded in the appropriate sweet boyfriend way - good sign. Now I only have two things left on my list - feed the fish and try to figure out why the giant peace lily is dying, and then I am going to bed, like a normal person, before 11:00 probably. I hope I don't wake up at 2 or 3. I did have nightmares and frustration dreams last night and I am a little anxious about that because of the hard day at work, but I hope the physical exhaustion will overcome the anxiety.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Nothing Exciting.

Yesterday was a waste-oid day. I did one thing on my list and IT was wonderful. I went to a culture and cooking demonstration on Indonesia and Indonesian foods at the mosque/ Islamic cultural center. It was wonderful and good and had good food, too. I didn't take very good care of myself yesterday as far as when and what I ate and when I took my medicine and things like that. It was a beautiful day and I missed the part because when I should have been out hiking I was home sleeping off the carbs instead. Aagh! I did better today at taking my medicine and making sure I ate sufficient protein, but it was a rainy, dreary day and I let that get to me a little bit. I did accomplish many items on THE LIST today, but probably will not complete them all and it will be a night where I will have to repeat my mantras. "I am completely relaxed and flexible" and "Tomorrow is another day." I DO NOT have to finish every item on my list for a day to be success or for me to be a good person or to prove my self- worth, right?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Still happy.

When we were talking tonight I said something and paused and Garet said, "You didn't know if you should say 'boyfriend' did you?" and I told him he was right. He said, "Yeah, you should say it." or something like that. SO - after all these years of divorce, sixteen, I think, my first real "boyfriend," by name. I have had others that I dated, had crushes on, just plain f***ed around with, and a couple of friends with benefits, but I feel like this is the first real thing. I hope it's the last. It feels really right and really good.

I'm sorry if that's all I write about lately. It's pretty damn exciting. My Facebook world is going crazy. You should see it!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


It was supposed to be the first "family Dinner" with Garet here, but Michael went and got a date for himself! Hippie Boy has a date! He asked a girl from orchestra to go to a cello recital with him. So Garet is still going to come up after work and we will do something until Michael's date is over and then go give her a ride home. Bedford is only 20 - 25 minutes away, but with work schedules, a couple of illnesses/ headaches and Michael activities and blah, blah, blah, sometimes it seems like it might as well be two hours. Thank goodness for telephone and emails! Normally I don't like to text message and don't even really have a text message plan, but that has been useful too, to communicate during work hours. More fun than using our respective work emails and worrying about the IT guys.

Michael is going to Ed's this weekend and Garet doesn't have anything to shoot until Saturday afternoon, so we ought to be able to spend a decent amount of time together. We are both looking forward to it. Pretty soon people through both of the newspapers will figure it out. A selected few know from when I did my research, but I have said his name a couple of times talking about things we have done and then today I mentioned that he's a photographer. I'm pretty sure Shawn will figure it out because he has worked in the Bedford office and knows everybody pretty well. Once Shawn says something, everybody will know, and Shawn WILL say something. Most of the time Shawn treats me with indifference because of his dislike for me, but every once in a while he will become involved in a conversation in which I am included. I am just hoping he stays indifferent to the "new boyfriend" talk and "how was your weekend" stuff a little longer.

Sunday, March 21, 2010


I had really detailed and interesting dreams of Grandpa Holt last night (my mother's father). I didn't know him really well in real life. They had already moved to Arizona when I was a small child and I only saw them occasionally when they came to visit Indiana. He must have died over 30 years ago. In the dream he was still alive and was interacting with Michael and Chris (my brother) and I like it was current. Very strange. He was very long and lanky and sometimes Michael reminds me of him physically, although Ed's side of the family also has tall and lanky in it. I just thought it strange and wanted to mention it. So there. I just added the pic. Here he is with all his grandchildren and great grandchildren who were in attendance at this party. Of course, he is the old man seated in the chair. I was the youngest grandchild until Heather came along and she was not born yet when this was taken. All the children younger than I was are great grandchildren. The upper left corner man in glasses is my oldest brother Bobby, holding his son, Spencer. Standing to the right of Grandpa looking to the side is my other brother, Chris.

Headache is back. I went straight to prescription drugs today.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Science Olympiad

Michael got first in two of his events: Remote Sensing and Fossils. He got second in Physics Lab. this year Physics lab was building a windmill within certain specs to generate electricity. The team won first so they will be going to Nationals which is in Champaign Illinois in May. I will probably go, but not as a chaperone this year unless they specifically ask me. I have family who live in a small town nearby and I can probably stay with them to save some money.

I awakened with a horrible headache about 4am this morning - got up and tooks meds somewhere between there and 5, but didn't ever get back to sleep until about 4:00 this afternoon. I woke up just in time to keep my spaghetti sauce from burning and get to the awards ceremony. I hope my sauce seals well. I did it kind of wacky today. I am glad to finally get it off my list anyway. If it doesn't seal I will just stick it in the fridge and we'll eat something with sauce every day until eight quarts are down the hatch! the medicines did help the headache, by the way, but I wish I could have accomplished more in the way of projects today. You know how I am with my lists!

I swear I am co-dependent already. I know Garet had a couple of things to shoot today and was supposed to go out with a friend and he knew I was doing the Mom/ Science Olympiad thing, but I was still sad he didn't call me today. I don't like being like that so I hope it's just a beginning phase.

Shhhh!! Don't tell Amber.

She might be right about this relationship stuff.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Ahhhh vacation

Last night I baked a butterscotch cheesecake. Today I went down to the Bedford office where my fellow coworkers now work. Keri bought pizza and we all had lunch together. It was so nice to see each other in person again. Garet walked through the office a couple of times and it was fun to see him and know we are going out tomorrow. He called me later to confirm and said he had a piece of the cheesecake and really liked it. It's much nicer to have a man I can cook for. Part of the deal with the "non-boyfriend" was that I would not cook for him. It was too much like playing house and if we did not plan to develop a permanent relationship, a part of my life that was too meaningful to share. It sounds crazy, but it is true AND it was really hard to follow that rule.

We went over to some friends' house tonight and had weenie roast and talk and another couple and all their children were there. I tolerated all the children well because all the parents were relaxed and let the kids PLAY and have fun and nobody was stressing out so I was able to relax too. It was very enjoyable and they want to do it more throughout the summer and I hope we can participate even though they are much younger than we are and are all MORMONS. They are nice anyway! :) You all know I don't have any quarrel with the people of the church and love them all, well probably not all, but the normal amount! haha!

It's after midnight and even though I am on vacation I am trying to get/keep my body clock in order so I need to go try to settle in. We have eye dr. appts. in the am and then Michael will be working on Science Olympiad all day. I plan to housework, yard work, maybe work at Bike Project and who knows what else? Then we're going out early because we are going to see a movie. So ta ta for now.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Oh! I forgot!

The date report!

It became a NON-DATE.

Garet was so ill he was violently vomiting most of the day so he had to cancel. I went to the event with a friend. It was wonderful, but not as fun as it would have been with the anticipation and the hormones flowing and the wonderment of possible romance at hand. We talked on the phone for a while and talked of trying to get together today. He had a couple of little photo shoots he had today. He called and said he was still editing and making one into a slideshow for the online and still didn't feel that great so was pretty worn out by it. I didn't feel that wonderful with my ferocious headache and was pretty medicated any way.

We may try to get together this week, especially because Michael and I have decided not to go see Emily and I have days off work already requested. It will depend on Garet's assignments and when Michael goes to Sci o. practice, etc. We're supposed to communicate tomorrow and see what's going on. I do enjoy talking to him every time we speak and he has read a lot of what I have posted on my "notes" on FB. some of which are pretty personally revealing. I don't think I have scared him away yet, unless the throwing up thing was a lie! :)

FUNG SHWAY (Feng Shui) & more

I have been working on my room a lot this weekend. I decided with my insomnia problems I have let it get too out of hand. It is never really completely messy or dirty, just cluttery with a pile here or there and too dusty. Also, I have always stored things under the bed (gift wrap) and that is supposed to be bad Feng Shui. I am to the final point today. Everything that is left to find a home is on the bed and will be placed tonight. I have vacuumed even under the bed and dusted the tops of all the furniture. I still have some cobwebs to knock down and maybe a few nit-pickity things to do. I may wait a little more on the cobwebs because of the wowser of a headache I had today. Vacuuming is probably bad enough for it.

I am having pangs of missing Emily something terrible. I called her to see if we could come visit and it turns out she and Scott are up at his parent's house in Michigan. His mother invited us to come. Michael and I decided that with the extra distance, however, we can't afford the money or time, because Michael wants to work more to be ready for State Science Olympiad next weekend. They really want to win state and get to Nationals again. He would do it if I were insistent, and earlier today I was practically crying for missing Emily so much. We'll figure something out, though so I can see her soon. I guess I just have to get used to this empty nest idea. Emily's already gone and if Michael goes to school out of state which is highly likely, my life will be very different! I know I will keep busy and enjoy many aspects of it, but I will miss my children so much!

My weight is trending down again. I want to get back to the 180s soon. I had promised myself so much when I went UNDER 180, a massage, and to measure my waist again. It is very obvious to me that when that 10 pounds came back on it came right to my belly. Clothes that I had had altered to fit the smaller waist are now tight and leave marks when I wear them. OUCH. I got rid of most of the elastic waists, however and I am NOT going to go buy bigger stuff again. So it's owie clothes and muffin top until I get this back under control. I HATE Metabolic Syndrome and my fat belly! Blech.

I am going to reward myself when I get under 190 again, even though I did it before. It is even harder this time and I deserve a reward even more. I don't know what it will be yet. I need to think of something self-care. but not as expensive as a massage. Maybe a pedicure. I am supposed to take good care of my feet anyway.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Housework Day

I am trying to get a lot done today for two reasons:
so the house will look nice when Garet comes to pick me up tonight and I will feel confident.
so tomorrow I will finally make and can the spaghetti sauce that has been "on my list" FOREVER!

I feel like lying down for a few minutes, though, which is a dangerous prospect.

I am a wee bit excited for my date tonight - the idea of a real relationship instead of a "not boyfriend" is beginning to feel appealing. I hope I am not setting myself up for disappointment or heartbreak.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Trying Day

Court Date with Ed about Child Support. I have no fight about reducing support because Emily is graduated and out of the house, but it was still terrible, emotional and somewhat confrontational. I don't even really care to write about it in detail. Sufficeth to say we both have issues that were not addressed at this hearing We were instructed that we have to file separate petitions to have those issues addressed if we cannot come to a mutual agreement upon them. In our county they will not schedule a hearing before a judge unless you attend mediation first. The last time we went to mediation, over ten years ago, it was $150 an hour. I am sure it is more than that now and I just lost over $200 a month income. I am more scared than ever of losing my house and everything.

I may have to take in a boarder whom I actually make PAY to live here. I hate to do that. I like using my extra space as a pay it forward for the times I have been sheltered. Also, you know me - I have to find out the legal way to do it, and would probably end up losing money in the end having to pay extra taxes or something.

I did make some amazing squash soup that we are having for dinner tomorrow. Ben said he had a big poker pay out so I told him to bring steak. His answer was ambiguous so I will have some salmon at the ready, but the grill WILL be fired up. Guess what. I am going to go BUY bread to serve with dinner. I made the soup and some 100% whole wheat brownies. I figure even a baker needs to buy some bread every now and then - who am I kidding? I buy sliced sandwich bread all the time! Really I just ran out of time tonight - still haven't done all the dishes - and think this needs a nice crusty sourdough or baguette, not a quickbread.

Had first date coffee date (I had hot chocolate yum!) with Garet last night. We talked pretty non stop for an hour and half and he asked me out for Saturday this weekend. I am really looking forward to it.

I think I will try the new footwear outside tomorrow if it is still warm and dry. I have been wearing it every night in the house and put in some movement time and so far, so good. My toes still feel like they have bandaids on them, but the bottoms of my feet feel good and not irritated and no blisters or sore spots.

Michael got a haircut today from Kemp. Kemp owns the building where Bike project uses space. I asked Kemp if it would bother him if I came and worked on the paint of the Bike Project garage door during business hours next week when I have days off. He is really excited. He doesn't like it looking trashy either and he'll buy the paint. I hope the weather stays dry and warm. I am a fair weather painter. I can't do it during Bike Project hours because the door is always open. I may end up doing a lot of it alone because Michael will be getting ready for State Science Olympiad, but it will give me motivation to get out of bed, get dressed each day and get out of the house.

Because of my transcendental, almost magical experience with getting the computer I blieve even more in the power of positive thinking. I purchased a ring (no more ring purchases! :( )
engraved inside "imagine, believe, receive" I wish it also said "achieve" but I can always know in my head that achieve is part of the entire picture or part of receive for me.

After midnight. Back to work in seven and a half hours!

Good night!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I'm not the only one:

FB message from Shelley, who is Michael's classical cello teacher and also a yoga teacher. She is doing a class for musicians at IU and asked hime to come tonight. She wrote.

Shelley March 7 at 10:32pm
FYI: You have the coolest son in the world!!! He came all the way to yoga tonight, in the rain!!! And seemed to integrate the session extremely well. He's a natural...and so awesome..

So if y'all think I am just the bragging mama all the time, there is more proof. I even offered to drive him, but he preferred to ride his bike in the rain. Ugh.

He really should have gone to his dad's this weekend, but stayed here instead and I am so glad. we had our wonderful walk yesterday and he came and hugged me tonight and told me he had a wonderful weekend. It's great to hear. I worry so much about him sometimes.

I went shopping today for some necessities and got HYPMOTIZED. I didn't buy anything silly, just more of the necessities than is probably prudent right now - should have waited until pay day kind of thing. As a mom of a tall skinny, though, when you see a pair of 30x34 jeans that don't cost $40, you jump on it. Also I got off brand "hiking sandals" at the evil empire. I watched for them all last year and NO store had fake ones. Michael and I had just talked about it yesterday during our walk and I had almost resigned myself to the I am going to have to spend $85 on the real ones. Part of my walking problem is that no matter what socks I wear my feet get irritated and I feel like my socks are wadding up in my shoes even if they are not. I want to see if wearing "hikers" designed to be worn without socks will help stop that problem. Much better to start out with a $15 pair than an $85 pair. I had even thought to do the thing where you try them on in the store and then people have told me there are web sites where you can buy seconds online for about half the price and I was going to try that. (What a horrible run-on sentence Sheesh!). I'll let y'all know when I get some serious walking in them. I will probably start wearing them all over the house first!

Well I have some more things on the list, of course. It does feel good to write more again. I will definitely check in by Tuesday evening!


I have been getting spam comments so I may have to put on that tangled up word thingy to block them and see if it helps. I kind of hate to do it. When I have to do those on someone else's blog I often have to try more than once before I get it wright and it is so annoying I am reluctant to comment or give up if I have to try too many times. I ADORE comments so I hate to do anything to discourage them, but I also despise the spam. Sigh....

It still feels strange not to write every day and it's really late tonight so I am going to make a few updates quickly:

First outside hike today at Lake Griffy 47 minutes of pure success, accompanied by my encouraging and good example son.

Started out with a sinus headache, but medicated it well enough to mostly function (along with a nap) today.

Supposed to go to Office for karaoke tonight, but it was too crowded so we saw the heartwarming "Blind Side" movie instead. I did enjoy it.

Emailing a new man who actually works for my company, but in the Bedford office so I completely have the inside scoop on him. We have the initial "out for a cup of coffee" date on Tuesday. People say he is odd, but nice. So far I have enjoyed communication with him. We have traded phone numbers, but not talked yet. I think we are both good writers and comfortable communication that way. I hope we can be good talkers in person.

I haven't started losing weight again yet, but I am feeling really positive about my body image, my increasing activity level and spring coming. I haven't started the yoga yet like I want to, but tomorrow is another day. Garet (new email man) also used to do yoga and wants to start again so we have something in common. It is also interesting that he is a long distance runner, has completed two minis and plans to do the one up in Indy again this May. My last (not) boyfriend was a long distance runner, and in fact the cross country coach at the school where he teaches.

Beautiful Ben may stay in Indiana longer with his new venture - working at this pool hall/bar/entertainment venue/ want to get a food license and serve an Asian Fusion menu. I've been doing some research and am going to make a curried squash soup for dinner this week when he comes. I am looking forward to helping develop things as they go. His partner is Mongolian so the Asian part is down. Also targeted is the hippie/vegan/vegetarian sector of Bloomington so it's good to have Michael as a guinea pig.

I have ripped out my bathroom sink and vanity only to find that my bathroom is plumbed all wrong for a pedestal sink. Next step is to go ahead and redo the floor and them decide what to do from there. These projects always take me a long time and I am getting tired of brushing my teeth in the bath tub.

I am not so depressed as I was a couple of weeks ago. I still have days where I am afraid I can't make it through. I have had a couple of nights where I have slept 10 - 12 hours at a time. If I can get back into some normal sleep patterns, which I think the sunshine will help, and the increase in activity will help I think I will start to recover even more.

I've already had my dairy for today, but I might need just a little bit of ice cream before I go to bed. :)