Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Don't feel like writing,

but part of this Blog 365 goal for me is to learn to write even when I don't feel like it. So if I write about not feeling like writing does it count?

Work was okay. In the morning I did paperwork and had my computer worked on. In the afternoon I did my small part of production and then I spent some time on the phones. All I have left is to finish the end of the month stuff for September and clean up a little returned mail etc... from the Public Notices and then I am an the phones all the time. Well, except in two weeks Sue (to whom has been given my job until it can be outsourced or something) is going on vacation and then I will have to do that job again and try to make a sales goal for October at the same time. Things that make you go Hmmmm...

I convinced Michael to go out to dinner tonight and he actually agreed as long as we had ethnic food so we ate Indian. I had some white rice so I want to test my blood glucose in just a minute and see what it did to me. I was extremely controlled about the portion, however and probably had 2/3 cup, which is two carb units, so we'll see.... ummm, yeah it is 176, which my goal for two hours after eating is supposed to be 140 or under and I prefer 120 or under. So, yeah, no more white rice for me. Actually when I used to test frequently after eating even brown rice messed me up pretty bad. So I probably ought to drink a quart of water now or go for a little walk! But it's cold outside! So I will at least drink some water now. We walked downtown, so I probably did get in my time today.

Happy today for: that the phone customers I did have were nice to me. I'd probably have a breakdown right now with the changes if I got a mean customer.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Dishes gift wrapped

6 Quirks about me.

Katie did this in her blog and she didn't tag me, but it seems like something I should do. I think it will be interesting to try to think of six all at once. Some days I catch myself thinking that something about myself is so strange that I ought to blog about it and then when I get home and start thinking about other things I forget. So now I will try to think of six quirks about myself all at the same time.
1)I am known by many as a "germaphobe" yet I catch myself all the time doing things that are really gross. Like I might drop a piece of food on my shirt at dinner and then pick it off and still eat it. In my heart I think that it is absolutely disgusting and even quite rude, but I catch myself doing it sometimes more than once in a meal. I promise I don't do it in public, however.
2) I don't really know how to type. I don't know how to touch type and curse the guidance counselor who let me make it through high school without taking typing. The only reason I passed the typing test to get my job is because I read so fast and remember well. I can read a sentence or two and totally remember them and then look at the keyboard to type them. Now that my job is changing it will be easier because a lot of that typing is through telephone dictation and not copying. Also I am hoping that I will get to keep the magic scanner that turns documents into text that then only need proofread.
3) I RARELY dust. People think I am an obsessive about housekeeping, but there are cobwebs and gobs of dust everywhere. The ceiling fan has dust on it that is honestly maybe an inch thick on the edges of the blades ... I don't ever want to turn it off because someone might notice it. My textured ceiling has cobwebs and dust balls hanging off the points of the textured stuff. I think it's terrible, but I just don't have the time to worry about it. I feel like it's all I can do to make sure we have clean dishes and laundry. I am not willing to give up reading or knitting or writing to have more time to dust. So there.
4) Lately I am quite enamored of Aerosmith. Usually I have listened to lyrical, melodic music that borders on folk; Jewel, Tracy Chapman, Norah Jones, Carole King,and some local singers are really ARE folk, but for about the past six months, maybe a year... I want Aerosmith ALL the time. There is something so sexy about it and it just makes me feel all happy and excited - and take the word "excited" with whatever meaning you choose and it will probably be correct.
5) I have caller ID and I won't pick up the phone if don't know who it is or if I don't want to talk to that person. Sometimes on the weekends when I really don't want to talk to people I won't answer it no matter who it is. I figure if somebody dies or is in the hospital whoever is calling to tell me will leave a message.
6) I often sleep under the covers, but with my feet sticking out the side. I have a queen size bed all to myself and I actually sleep diagonally across the entire thing (well as much as a 5'3" person can...) but that makes it easier to stick my feet out of the side of the blanket so that I can leave the end tucked in and it is easier to make the bed (if I do, I'm NOT a habitual bed maker!) in the morning.

Okay so I thought of six things, but I don't think that any of them are the things that I catch myself doing during the course of a day and think to myself how strange they are! I will have to really try harder to notice them and write about them sometimes. I think things like that can really provide insight into a person, and isn't what this is all about?

Happy today for... Hmmm. well to tell you the truth, I might have to stretch today. I spent quite a lot of today ANGRY about my job changing and about some home situation and some other things. I WAS really happy that Gill and I took one of our fifteen minute walking "smoke breaks" at work. Now that I am going back to Classifieds, perhaps it can happen daily again.

Sunday, September 28, 2008


Heather's party turned out well. It seems like a ton of people came. I had made HUGE vegetarian lasagna and a chicken enchilada casserole and they were devoured. Other people brought pretty good stuff, too. Let me tell you something, though... once you see your daughter and her boyfriend karaoke "My Humps" um, your life is changed. It was a good time.

I am so happy we got Heather the gifts we did. She has wanted these dishes called "Jade Moon" from Target for over a year. I got her a set and Mom and Dad got her a set so now she has eight place settings of what her friends were calling "real, grown-up dishes." A fitting thirtieth birthday gift. I love the gift wrap I made.... I bought a set of stamps that included a crescent moon and jade green paint and used those. I BOUGHT, (yes I bought bows!) iridescent jade green bows that were really pretty and I loved the way it looked. I told Heather the gift wrap was a clue, but I don't think she figured it out, because she seemed REALLY surprised when she opened it. Someone took a picture as I requested so if whoever took the pictures emails them to Heather I will try to get one and post it.

We stayed until 11:30 and Michael did not complain. He usually goes to bed at 9:00 and HATES staying up late. I got so tired, though, I had to stop in Martinsville and park and sleep and I slept for THREE HOURS. So we didn't get home until 4:00 in the morning. Even though when I volunteered at the Peace Festival it was relaxing, I had such a busy and full day with the food prep and shopping and driving Phew!

So today I have just hung in the house and caught up the cleaning from the mess I left yesterday. I did clean as I went, but with so much to do I had to leave the last batch undone. I also did laundry today, finished a book, started a new one... I could use early bedtime, but I DO want to watch "Desperate Housewives."

Mom and Dad have come to visit after they left Heather's. I'm not sure what the plan is (am I ever?), but I did suggest to Mom that they go look at those affordable apartments tomorrow. I really don't want them to stay more than a couple of days. It wears me out physically and mentally. It's like I want to be kind and I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I have a really hard time with extra people and stuff in the house. I am planning a party in October and I even thought of not inviting them. And it's not because I want to be mean, or I don't like them, and my friends always love them and enjoy talking to them when they come to my parties... It's just that having people stay overnight is so stressful for me. Having the party, I can be relaxed about (I used to stress out about that, even, but I don't any more), but the thought of having the party and then having someone stay all night freaks me out. WHY am I so freaking psycho?!

It was nice to have someone to share my red meat binge... I really wanted to make roast tonight and I couldn't think of whom to invite to share with me.... Scott and Gill were out because he doesn't eat red meat, Steph moved away, other people were out for other reasons... so when Heather called and said Mom and Dad wanted to come I at least had someone to cook roast for! (for whom to cook roast?)

My friend Will is sick and I told him maybe I'd make him chicken noodle soup, but then realized I don't have any noodles. I told him I like him enough to make him soup, but not enough to have to go buy noodles!

So anyway, life is good. "Desperate Housewives" is on and it's time to go.

Happy today for: my new baby carnations I bought when I went to get the roast. Bright pink and super cute. I put them in the old, blue-tinted Mason jar and they look spectacular. I really love having flowers in the house.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

A little over two hours

to get ready for Heather's party and then go volunteer at the Peace Festival, meet Michael, load the car and get to Indy by 7:00.

Cake is in the oven (not decorating it)
Chicken is boiling.
Need to assemble lasagna, then chicken enchilada casserole (Will cook them there)
Make pico de gallo
Get everything ready and load non-food items.
Wrap gift.
Make myself pretty.
Clean house
Write 1000 words!
go to dump.

Gee - maybe I should have skipped karaoke last night! Watcha think? But I tried a new song: "Nobody does it better" and I was mostly satisfied with the results. Also there were a couple of really good - like professional good - singers there and it was great listening last night.

Happy today for: VERY inexpensive Ricotta at the evil empire. Dollar Tree!

Friday, September 26, 2008


Watching/ listening.

Steph and I discussed a drinking game. I said take a shot every time McCain says, "the American worker/ workforce is the strongest/ best in the world." She says every time he says, " My Friends." I know I've already heard mine once. I haven't noticed "My friend" yet!

Happy today for Michael helping put groceries away. I HATE doing that task.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

TV NIght.

Thursday used to be TV night... I always watched Friends, something else I can't remember and ER and did laundry. Then we went all those years without cable and I didn't watch anymore. Tonight I started the new Survivor and now ER is on. I remember I used to switch back and forth the half hour while Friends and Survivor were both on. I don't want to get dependent on shows again, but I hope we can keep the cable long enough to watch until the end of ER. Right now with the deal I have it's almost as cheap to have cable and internet than to just have internet, but if I have to cut back I'll have to save the $10 a month difference. I hope can get a higher paying job soon. Instead I am afraid I will get fired at my current job. They have told us no one is guaranteed. I just need to hang on until Michael gets out of high school and then something else can happen. Even if I lose the house, I'd be okay on my own. I'd hate it. You know I love my house. And even if I would CHOOSE to sell it, it would be because there is something better happening. I'd just hate for it not to be a choice...

Happy today for: Planning a party and I can't wait. We haven't really had one since May. We had Roma's birthday dinner, but it was a bummer and not really much of a party. I invited three or four of the men I have dated and/or had crushes on. We'll see who shows up. It could be interesting!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Not a lot to say

Boring day. Got up, went to work, worked, drove to Ellettsville on lunch to return Steph's DSL box for her, worked some more, went and picked up a mirror from a Freecycler, came home, ate dinner, watched some of "Shaun of the Dead" with Michael during dinner. Read some book, started some laundry, washed some dishes. I am going to try to go to bed early tonight. I think I am tired. I am going to try for 10:00, instead of eleven. I just now put the clothes in the dryer, however, so that may determine it. I don't really like to abandon clothes in the dryer. There is at least ONE good housekeeping habit I have!

Happy today for... well I received a nice email AND crush IT guy at work had to come and work on my computer for a long time. Oh, plus I gave him the biggest laugh I have ever heard from him this morning! He and another IT guy were working on our fax machine and I told the story about when I was taking a Classified ad from a woman who wanted to get more children for her in-home child care. She was dictating the ad to me, "Loving mother of two, in my Christian home..." a child starts screaming in the background and the woman screams, "Shut the fuck up! I'm on the phone!" I have NEVER heard Steve laugh so spontaneously or so loud as when I told that (100% true) story. I felt great. He used to be so quiet and seem so unhappy all the time, and I love seeing him happy.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Eating Disorder...

Really. Tonight was the final night of the Diabetes Care refresher class. They take you out to a buffet intent on publicly humiliating you for your food choices. Remember when I did this three of four years ago I almost didn't return for the rest of the class? Same issue. I was almost in tears and extremely agitated by the end of dinner. I cannot deal with having my food choices evaluated in public. My stress was added to by the fact that the Diabetes Educators wore their hospital name tags at the restaurant. I really felt like my patient privacy was violated. I am already self conscious about what I eat in public because I am so fat. I judge myself harshly and feel like others are probably judging me also. Then to have it made official and known that I am a fat diabetic felt shameful and embarrassing to me. I made sure to note it on the evaluation form for the class. It took a great deal of personal strength to go to the classroom instead of coming home after the dinner. I took an Ativan on the way to the classroom and I still hadn't settled down after a couple of hours. Ha! I bet I burned off every calorie from dinner because I was so agitated I fidgeted the entire time.

I know my sugars are great (did I tell you my A1C was 6.0 last week?), my weight is down and I am feeling better and treating myself more kindly with my women's groups and activities and things like that. Even knowing these things my self-esteem and emotional issues made the public dinner something I probably should have chosen not to attend.

I did set two goals tonight for the next month: to attend the support group, and to log my sugars in writing. I'll try to remember to return and report on those.

Happy today for: Michael turned the porch light on for me when he knew I'd be coming home after dark. It is something I always try to do for him, and I really appreciated it.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Twenty minutes.

I am giving myself twenty minutes to write and then I am going to go outside and work on the yard. Ready. Set. Go!

Today I went out to Chinese Buffet for lunch. yes I know it's easy to overeat, yes I know the sauces have a lot of cornstarch and sugar. I went anyway.

At the end when I got my fortune cookie I said to myself, "I am going to do this the way Heather says. Whatever my fortune is will be my ultimate fortune with unnamed hopeless (and I really mean hopeless) crush." Heather says you have to eat the fortune cookie before you read the fortune or it doesn't count. So I ate my fortune cookie and then read the fortune. It said: To love deeply in one direction makes us more loving in all others.

I felt so happy. I have been feeling like it is a "waste" to love/crush on unnamed hopeless crush because our differences are too strong to overcome. We haven't talked for a week now and I have been sad about it, but not wanted to take the initiative because I don't want to be aggressive or scary. Also I have been worried about dating other men, even when I have a crush on ___ because I like him SO much. This silly little random piece of paper gave me release. I feel a little like loving _____ and depending on him when I did has taught me something about depending on other people. I feel like continuing to be grateful to him for that support and wanting to remain friends is okay. I feel like it's okay to be the one to initiate contact if I want to. I feel like it's okay to be with other men and date and just learn more about relationships and how to communicate and be with men again. I feel like even if nothing ever comes of hopeless crush that I will learn more about loving and that it will be beneficial to all my relationships.

I was instantly reminded of the Beatles from Abbey Road, "The love you take is equal to the love you make." It's okay for me to send out all this love and energy toward unnamed hopeless crush. It will come back to me in some wonderful way.

I know I sound a little crazy and superstitious, but I am really just hopeful and romantic and silly. So there.

Happy today for --- well you see it! Love, even unrequited can be a growth experience.

Sunday, September 21, 2008




(and my big white ball to sit upon. My ass hurts, even with it!

Saturday, September 20, 2008


Kind of a bummy day. I had plans with someone and he had a freaking CAR WRECK on the way to Bloomington. So I spent a long time waiting for him this morning and didn't do my usual stuff... I was about to call him and see what was happening when he finally got hold of me...he's okay - just car damage and pissed off.

So I kind of was depressed. I took myself out to lunch even though one of my goals was not to eat out this weekend...then I came home and took a nap.

Here are the few things I have done today:
took trash to dump
watched one episode of What Not to Wear
Worked on orchestra directory
two loads of laundry
dishes and cleaned off table
Washed off outdoor table
put some little fencing around tomato plants to contain them!

Tonight I need to write 1000 words toward "Half-Wit" I started it during lunch in my notebook, but I still have a long way to go.

I should also work more on the orchestra directory. I'd really like to finish it tomorrow and it is a lot of work.

Orchestra directory
Understanding UU class

Happy today for: B. was not hurt in car accident.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Just a happy:

Happy for geeky stuff - getting SO MUCH caught up at work, including finishing the "Publisher's Claims" for the legal display ads in August. It was a big hairy task that got way behind because I took the time off.


Maybe more later.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

My event...

I am feeling elated because I suggested Rachael's Cafe for a venue for a fundraiser and now have also contacted Janiece, the amazing jazz vocalist I know and she will be the headliner. Now we just have to get a date set and start getting publicity and we are on our way to MOOLAH FOR FRANCE! Woo hoo!

I am very tired. I worked extremely hard today at work, had a dr. appt. took Michael to cello, went to Target, dropped off stuff at Goodwill - I'm sorry it wasn't Opportunity House, but it had to go NOW - went to the grocery and then came home. Yikes. And I was so tired last night I did no dishes so came home to a mess.

Now I am doing my laundry and blogging and going to do a few more things, then bed by 11:00 I SWEAR.

Dr. said I lost nine pounds in the three months since I last went. I am happy with that. I am pretty consistently under 210 every morning. Emily and I discussed what my reward should be when I go under 205. I think it's a trip to Lane Bryant to get fitted and get a GOOD bra - not a Wal-mart special. If I continue at about the same rate maybe that's November... Quite hilarious that my goal is to be able to decrease my medicine and I walked out of there with NINE prescription papers today... One was a lab order but STILL! I have dropped one pill already and am still waking up with BG under 100 every morning - one day this week it was 68 and then I had a headache all day. That was the day Susan told me how rude I was. I finally took Lortab that night and it knocked it out. I only took a few Lortabs after the surgery so I should have plenty for like the next YEAR! So we (dr and I) and going to mess around with the medicines and changing the timing of some etc...

Happy today for: A doctor I actually like and trust. That I remembered to take my bags to the store. I hate it when I get to the checkout and them remember the cloth bags that are out in the car!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Almost bedtime.

I think I am even ignoring the dishes for tonight! Heck, when I am this tired, I need to take advantage of it.

Hard day at work, but getting more caught up. I had a goal to complete five of my "display proofs" and I did seven, so yay me!

Tonight was a meeting of the fund raising committee for the orchestra. I felt like ti was really productive and also fun. I really like the other women on the committee. Not everybody could come because some of the lucky people just HAD to go see Josh Bell play his violin tonight, sheesh! Although I tell he's so pretty I wouldn't mind watching him for an hour even if he didn't play! He's our local boy who is so good - he played the violin for the soundtrack of "The Red Violin" movie. He studied with the same teacher with whom Emily's violin teacher studied... We have a lot of wonderful music in Bloomington. Even though Santa Fe does have an opera company I am not sure it can match what I can get here and here it is often FREE!

So Happy tonight for lots of things. Michael got a new, better, safer bike helmet at Bike Project tonight for a $2.00 donation, and actually the orchestra director paid that and not me!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Going to bed soon.

I had a better day. Sue at work got her new notary powers and my work life is already better and I am already getting caught up. I had to send everything to another office to get notarized until now and I was STILL behind from when I took the time off earlier in August.

Diabetes class tonight was the big EXERCISE night. I set a new little goal that I should be able to achieve, which is 15 minutes five times a week. I decided to start small because it has been such a block for me lately.

Happy today for: My lovely daughter and what a nice person and good friend she is!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Chastised like a two year old.

I had a pretty severe headache today but I went to work anyway because there is SO MUCH to do. We had a meeting where the Creative Services Director spoke to us about his efforts to streamline the processes, why it is important, etc... I sat and listened and responded appropriately when necessary, but I had my eyes closed. Afterward Susan took me in an office and told me how rude and unprofessional I was and that if I am that ill I should stay home. She asked how long have I had a headache and I said THREE WEEKS. She went on to recommend that perhaps I should try some of the new medications that are currently being advertised. Tell me, is this ANY of her Goddamn business? I feel like they are going to pick on everything I do until they find some reason to fire me and I had better step up my job search. What a pisser. I'd better start getting my ass out of bed and getting to work on time, but it is fucking difficult when I am waking up with a blood sugar of 70 and under and my blood pressure is like 100/60. I see the dr. sometime in the next two weeks and maybe it is time to drop another pill so my morning sugars aren't so low.

Michael is at Bike Project and I feel like crawling in bed, but I really need to clean the kitchen, make a run to the evil empire - need to replace the exploded microwave that I don't want to live without. Also need to exercise and type a few hundred entries in the orchestra directory so when I see Jane Wednesday night I can honestly say I have made some progress on it. I spent all my time over the weekend either at Stephanie's, recovering from Stephanie's, or trying to do enough of my own house so that it didn't appear as if I had spent my entire weekend working at Stephanie's.... That didn't leave any time for orchestra directory even though I did not get in Farmer's Market, thrift shopping or DUMP - which is dangerous in maggot season.

But you know what? I love life anyway. I had a nice dinner with Michael tonight. Creamed eggs on toast and tomato salad with my own homegrown tomatoes!

I am really, really happy for tomato salad.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Ike in Indiana

BIG WINDS! We lost about 10 shingles, just in random spots here and there. My next door neighbor has one big patch about 2x2 feet where they just all came up. Lots of trees down, no power for about five hours at my house. I drove through town and lots of stoplights out and businesses just closed due to no power. I will probably watch the news later to get a bigger picture.

Steph called and she was supposed to leave today, but didn't want to drive the truck in the wind. I don't blame her at all. Also she is really physically exhausted from all the work at the house. I am too and I didn't do near as much as she did. Also I ate real food and drank water and didn't live on alcoholic beverages, cigarettes and the occasional fast food when I forced her to eat. She actually just called and she is somewhat hysterical again as it is all coming to reality.

Happy today for: Smelly candles.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Alphabet thingy...

I think I did one of these recently, but I don't recall if it had the same questions or not!

A. Attached or single? Single
B. Best friend? Many! Lu, Deanna, Emily, Heather, Gillian, Michael
C. Cake or pie? Cake, I think. But I love peanut butter pie.
D. Day of choice? Sunday.
E. Essential item? Debit card
F. Favorite color? Blue
G. Gummy bears or worms? Bears, but I don't really like to eat them. If you lick the back, they stick to stuff and it's funny.
H. Hometown? Bloomington
I. Indulgence? Every once in a while a REAL Pepsi.
J. January or July? July, heat AND fireworks
K. Kids? I have enough, but I could take on one more six year old if necessary! :)
L. Life isn’t complete without? Other people
M. Marriage date? repressed, thank you, unless it is a future one... :), then I'd like April 4.
N. Number of brothers & sisters? 1 brother and one sister alive, 1 brother dead.
O. Oranges or apples? Oranges. Allergic to raw apple!
P. Phobias? Heights, needles.
Q. Quotes? "Learn to love your life." Jack Kerouac

Hey! There's no R! I'll make one up...
R. Right or left? Right, but left to right for any process. Too much reading English makes anything right to left just seem WRONG!

S. Season of choice? Fall
T. Tag seven peeps! I'm not much of a tagger... Amber, Katie, Sarah, Heather?
U. Unknown fact about me? I tell too much already... unknown fact... Ummmm I learned to read on The Book of Mormon when I was about three years old.
V. Vegetable? Broccoli, tomatoes, too hard to choose.
W. Worst habits? I leave trash in the car and it is always messy.
X. X-ray or ultrasound? Ultrasound usually determines what I need and if I need an X-ray it's probably for kidneys and requires IV dye, so no thank you.
Y. Your favorite food? Chocolate frosting - chicken.
Z. Zodiac sign? Libra or snake.

Happy for:

Cinnamon Gum yum.

I wrote my 1000 words tonight. Three weeks in a row of episodes for Half-Wit. They are not good and not well written, but they are written. I am getting somewhere.

Home Sweet alone.

Ahhh.... I already feel more settled and peaceful. There are still lots of things to do to get the house back to normal. I still need to rearrange the furniture to reclaim the purple room and Things just plain need CLEANED, but I feel calm.

It's funny how I really do love to have people over, and feed them and prepare for them and all that kind of stuff, but overnight guests really make me anxious. Mom and Dad are the hardest. They always bring me gifts I don't want and stuff like that and I have to choose so carefully what I put in my tiny house that I am very picky about what goes in it. Nikki and Gill were giving me lessons in graciously just saying, "Thank you. It was very kind of you to think of me." and then later dealing with the items. It is one of the times I am too honest and I will say stuff like - I hate non-stick pans. I won't use these. I don't want new pans until I can afford new Farberware - see I need the graciousness lessons. I am going to practice and be all ready for my birthday and Christmas. And you won't believe it, I think I am better now than I was a few years ago!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Steph's again.

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. It makes me SO glad all my recent drama is over. I can't wait for this to get finished and Steph to get the hell out of Indiana and to a place where she will be more emotionally and physically safe. All she has been doing here is drinking and only eating when I force her. Probably the healthiest thing she had today was the Bloody Marys... Sheesh. It makes me SO glad I have never been much of a drinker... I would rather abuse my prescription drugs :)

I felt appreciated by email today by Will and Jim and that was kind of nice.

I need to do a load of my own housework. I always feel very unsettled when there are extra people and extra stuff in the house. This house is just SO SMALL and I am just SO IRRITABLE. Tuesday was a long time ago.... I think Mom and Dad will go tomorrow. They never went and looked at the apartments that seemed affordable... kept saying they couldn't find them, even though I told them exactly where they are AND they had a map. Now it is the weekend and they won't be open. Sigh.

I was invited to go out tonight, but had committed to help Steph. It would have been a nice night to go out. I hope if Mom and Dad leave tomorrow I can find someone to go out with and have a grown-up night. People make plans ahead of time and I don't have the luxury of doing that not knowing my destiny...

Happy today for: The IT guys at work. They didn't save my life today, my computer was pretty good today, but they are SO MUCH better than the jerks we used to have and they really know what they are doing. It has made the entire office more cheerful to have these guys we know we can depend on to have the skills AND to treat us kindly.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Been at Stephanie's

She is here getting the rest of her and the boys' stuff to take to South Carolina. The house is a mess and she is a pack rat and boy, what a lot of work. I may go back and work some more tomorrow after work if I have energy...

Happy today for: Stephanie getting out of here, even though I will miss her a lot. I bought her a hamburger at Mc D's and it was the first food she had eaten all day! AND happy for a day at work where I really earned my keep and I am starting to get caught up!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


I got more caught up on some of the paperwork today so it felt good. I did have to answer several calls from attorneys and government offices about where are their affidavits. I usually send them immediately after publication or with the monthly invoice. So I have to confess to them that I have a giant pile that I am getting caught up.... I am definitely ready for those phone calls to stop! I like my usual email notes and calls of gratitude about how efficient and prompt I am...

Had some nice personal emails today that made work more pleasant. I need to start taking walking breaks again to get away from my desk, but when I am getting nice personal emails it doesn't seem fair to do both. So I am spending my "smoke breaks" doing things that are emotionally refreshing, but not getting any exercise!

Looked at apartments a little bit for Mom and Dad today during lunch. There is one in their price range, not too far from here, that has current openings. They will probably go see it tomorrow.

Need to work on the orchestra directory now that my mind is calming down a little bit. It's a big job - the orchestra gets bigger every year. Jane asked how it was going today and I had to confess it has been at a standstill with all that has been going on. I am only on the letter C and there are 130 orchestra members! Yikes.

Okay - my goal tonight is to finish the Cs.

Happy today for water to drink. It was really, really good today.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Only cried once today.

Got the County Tax sale finished.

Started the diabetes education classes - don't think I learned a thing.

Mom and Dad have dropped in to visit, even though I told them it would be better to wait until Thursday. Now I am kind of sad, because I wanted to see Will or at least talk on the phone a lot tonight.

My house is messy.

Happy today for: Okay, even though I said I didn't learn anything at diabetes class I LOVE the rubber food they use to demonstrate the portions. It's really cool.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Tired and more relaxed.

Maybe I will be able to sleep without nightmares. I am still having them. I don't often remember the stories, but awaken with the feelings of terror and helplessness.

I wanted to call in to work today, but remembered several reasons that would make my life harder, so I went in. My head hurt, but I was good and didn't try to suffer, but took medicine quickly. I also ate a nutritious lunch and tried to remember to drink a lot of water.

I went by Jim's office to drop off some headphones Roma had borrowed. I just left them with the receptionist, because I thought he might be with a patient. He came out after he heard my voice and we talked for quite a while. That was a nice, relaxing break from doing the County Tax Sale notice that is a total pain in the ass.

I went to Buffalo Sisters tonight. I gave my happy fors and thoughts on them and why I do them. I received a reflexology session and a little Reiki. I felt relaxed and cared for and very welcome.

So today was still stressful at work, but it had so many other happy things in it that it was balanced.

Oh - and here's the clincher - -I hit a kid on a bicycle. When leaving work I was watching left to turn right on red and he came up the sidewalk from the right. I hit him, but not even hard enough to knock him over - thank God as he had no helmet on. He kept riding and I rolled down my window to ask if he was okay and if we should check his bike because Michael could fix it. The little brat just yelled at me, "Watch where you're going!" He is right, I should have looked both ways, but honestly HE was the one breaking the law! I am always reminding Michael that when it's bike vs. car - car wins. I was completely hysterical, drove home bawling my eyes out and cried for like half an hour. I couldn't decide between taking to my bed for the rest of the night and Buffalo Sisters. I am glad I decided to go because I think it made me feel better about it.

Happy today for: balance. I think it is slowly returning. I need to remember to give myself time.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Bonus post

I am going to post my copy of Happy Fors for January.

A lot of them are focused on food medicine and physical things. Remember how sick I was?

Happy Fors: January 2008:

1. Small happiness for today... having a friend with whom it is so comfortable to spend New Year's Eve that I was fine wearing my slippers to her house. (I took shoes with in case it snowed while I was there. I'm not a total idiot.)

Today's small happinesses.
My new health care provider.
That Renee was thoughtful enough to call and make sure I knew tonight was the Kwanzaa dinner.
That for part of the Kwanzaa dinner when we were supposed to name an ancestor whom we honor, Michael said, "My Uncle Bobby, just because he was awesome."

Today's happiness: Giving Christie the hat, and what a good friend she is for another undisclosed reasons. I am so lucky/blessed/fortunate pick your favorite term for the wonderful, loving people in my life.

Little happy thing: I liked hearing "Walk This Way" on the radio. I think it was kind of creepy hearing him sing about high school girls when he was in his twenties - it's even creepier now when you think that Steven Tyler is somebody's grandfather! But it's still a good song!

Another random weird thing that makes me happy. When we go on 465 it goes right under a landing path for the airport. I get a HUGE thrill when we go right under a big jet when it is landing. It didn't quite happen today, one was coming, but we were too far away and it beat us, but it made me remember how it is one of those strange things I love.

So here are my small happinesses: My comforter for when I was all cold and miserable this afternoon.

Convenience foods so I was able to cook a simple dinner and eat with Michael, despite being still pretty miserable.
that I was able to do some stuff today
and my great sandwich for dinner: Roast beef, cream cheese, onion, tomato on whole wheat. YUM.
My book find at Opportunity House.

Happiness today was total relaxation in a warm tub with a grisly Stephen King novel.

Today's happiness is definitely modern medicine, and Renee willing to go pick it up for me. I swear I would not have made it to the pharmacy in Target. I am so sick it hurts to roll over in bed! The only reason I play on the computer is because I breathe better when I sit up! I wish we had comfortable furniture, like a recliner I could sleep in and be more upright.

Happiness - Michael did some dishes, even though not very many, every little bit helps.

Happiness is: DVDs and Lost and Deli chicken I was able to eat most of a breast.

Today's happiness. Microwave, for WARM tomato juice. Mmmmmm.......

Happiness. Some clean dishes and Michael cooked some food for dinner that I ate and has stayed in the right place, so far!

Editing to add: happiness for today was pretty much all of the above, but if I have to pick ONE thing, I'd say that the meat was still good so I didn't waste money and was able to make a dinner so easily.

Happy for: the new bridge on Rogers street so I can drive straight into town without going out onto Walnut and traffic and stuff when I just feel calm and tired and like taking my time.

Happy for Deanna taking me to a nice dinner and visiting me overnight while she is in town!

Keeping cello lessons in the tight, tight budget.
Hearing my son in the orchestra playing the William Tell Overture.

Happy for: my job has enough flexibility that I went in late today when I didn't feel well.
Got my W2s and other tax forms and taxes are completed and I will be getting a refund and able to pay off some small bills and get Michael some badly needed clothes.

Happy today for:
Susan brought me lovely French onion soup and a baguette for lunch.
Able to make Renee some rainbow bath salts for her birthday and she LOVES rainbow-themed stuff.

So Happy today was in a class turned out well, and a group of friends with a relaxing party, including roasted brussel sprouts that were good, that I hadn't tried since a child.

Happy today for: feeling more normal AND a nice little pot of chili for lunch.

Happy today for: a trip to Dollar General to replenish some supplies, a Buy one get one free coupon that enabled me to share lunch with a co-worker who often brings me lunch on Fridays when my ability to take a lunch is sometimes dubious, that Michael scraped the car windows for me this morning because I hadn't parked in the garage

Happy for: Yellow baby carnations, sweet potato fries, the big taste of chocolate in a little Hershey's kiss.

Happy for: Baked deli chicken.

Many, many happies today, but a nice little one is how well a cough drop really can work!

Happy today for: Dental floss after eating an orange.

Happy for: My son playing Bach in his room.
Project Management class is complete.
The bonus of having to go to Kroger was the excuse to buy expensive laundry detergent which I love, instead of the Aldi brand, which I secretly despise.

Happy for: A clean blanket out of the closet when I was cold and it smelled like my favorite fabric softener - so cozy!

Happy today for: Helpful bankers with my card situation.
Nice appliance installers with my dream come true refrigerator, that will also increase my house value according to everything I see on TV.

Happy for: I didn't run out of gas - when I got to the gas station my 12 gallon tank took 11.98 gallons to fill up!

Happy today for: Hummus and grape tomatoes. Oh and my womanly crow bar - I had to pry open the frozen garage door this morning to go to work today!

Today happy for: I got a $10 Target card with a new prescription and used it to buy a new CD that I have wanted a long time, the newest Jewel CD. I am saving it for tomorrow and will listen to it on my headphones at work and it will be especially pleasant if it really does snow a lot and it will be little interrupted. This is a long overdue weight loss reward and also uberlist goal - I rarely purchase CDs, which is funny, because I do waste money on plenty of other items which are inconsequential.

A little sad today.

It helps that I cleaned my room fairly well yesterday. I have at one place that is "normal" again and I can feel safe haven. I still need to work on the rest of the house. I need Michael's help in moving furniture and I am not sure when we will get it done.

Church helped today. She talked about the concept of Paradise and how it doesn't have to be a place we think of as only in the afterlife, but how we can make it here on earth ---- or soemthing like that. I didn't eat before I went and my brain was a little addled.

You know how yesterday's Happy for was Cat Stevens? The opening hymn today was "Morning Has Broken." I think I will listen to a little Cat Stevens how as I prepare some real food and mess around the house.

After I eat I want to go up to Griffy or at least somewhere and walk. Then I am the happy receiver of a mirror from Freecycle and I need to go pick it up. I plan to make some kind of really cool frame or border around it, because you know how much I need another project... I know I have too many projects for the amount of time I have, but most of the time the thoughts of future projects or of completing a current project gives me feelings of hope and joy and good expectations. Every once in a while I feel overwhelmed with my ideas and that I will never finish them, but usually those are just feleting thoughts.

Tomorrow is a "Buffalo Sisters Sharing Circle." I have wanted to attend these for a few months, but have felt like I had nothing to offer. I was encouraged after Syndee's party a couple of weeks ago. I decided that what I am going to share is one month of "Happy fors." I went through January and picked them all out and will print them at work tomorrow. I wrote to Christine, who conducts these and told her I was worried that I had nothing to offer, except maybe food, but still want to come - she write me back this really nice email:
Hi, Hope!
I am so excited that you might come on Monday. I am SURE you have something to offer. Did you take one of Scarlett's Reiki classes? If so, that certainly works! Or how about any personal growth tools that you've found to be helpful and that you could offer to the 2 women that you'd have 20 minutes each with, one on one? Or you could lead people into a meditation. There are lots of options! Food sounds scrumptious. However, I am wondering what that would look like for your two 20-minute giving sessions. Is there a special recipe that you could perhaps teach people how to make in that 20 minutes? Thanks for being thoughtful about the vegan question. I eat 99% vegan, and Mayan is 100% vegan, so we try to keep our house as vegan as possible. *If* food is your giving offering, I would enthusiastically welcome you to try to make it vegan...if that wouldn't be too much to ask. However, if you choose to offer something non-food for your giving session, then don't worry about bringing food. We usually just stick to good ol' fashioned tea, as the evening flys by and doesn't leave too much snackin' time.
Please call me anytime at all in the next 2 days, and we can chat more about the possibilities for what you could offer: 345-****. Here are some things people have brought in the past, to give you an idea...
* Make Your Own Vision Board
* Jewelry Making
* Learn to Sprout
* Nutrtional Consultation
* Intuitive Reading
* Reflexology
* Energy Work
* Communication Tools
* Massage
* Labyrinth Walking
* Using a Pendulum
* Divination Card Reading
* How to Play a Singing Bowl
* and much more!
The possibilities really are endless. Do you play an instrument? You could give a mini lesson. Do you do yoga? You could teach a mini one-on-one class. Do you create art? How about making mandalas?
This might be a fun chance to to come up with something you've never given before. PLEASE don't hesitate to come because you feel like you don't have anything to offer. I can guarantee you do :), and I would be so thrilled to explore that more with you. The womyn who have been coming have been a wonderful mix of those with expereince in what they are offering and those who this idea is very new to. That's what makes it Buffalo Sisters!
Okay, that's all for now. Have a fantastic day. Please keep your questions and honest sharings rolling in-- I really appreciate, honor, and admire you for expressing your hesitation/nervousness :)
Hugs and Blessings,

I tried to attach a copy of the flyer, but can't get it to upload from Adobe.

I may end up joining Michael in full-blown hippie-ness before long - no wait. I hate tofu and won't give up my steak. I am really enjoying this community of women (womyn?) however.

So happy today for: attending church, and being so welcomed into some new circles and communities.

Oh - and I DID manage to write 1000 words toward "Half-wit" last night. It was not deep stuff, but I felt good about it.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Different Saturday.

because it began with a drive to take Michael to his dad's. Then I went over to Heather's and we went out to lunch together. I did my thrift shopping in Indy this week instead of here. We went to "Value World" and a Goodwill. At the first store I found a Land's End messenger bag that I think Michael might like. It is in BRAND NEW condition. It has a corporate logo, but not so huge that a cool patch couldn't cover it. He desperately needs a new bag and has been debating between new backpack and messenger bag. I decided this was worth the $2.00 risk and if he doesn't like it I might find a Hello Kitty patch and make it mine! I also bought a couple of books of course.

We returned to Heather's and she gave me some stuff to bring back and give to Opportunity House. She can't manage to do it herself! She gets emotionally attached to clothes. (With me it is shoes!)

I came home and went to the dump and have been working on the house little bits at a time since then, listening to music, reading "Slaughterhouse Five" and communicating a little bit on the computer with Will. I kind of hoped to find someone to go out with tonight, but now I am feeling pretty tired. I guess I also did clean the front yard, changed my bed, do two loads of laundry...

I also realize I haven't written my 1000 words this week toward "Half-Wit." I think I had better get started on that. Maybe if I am efficient I can write AND take a shower AND go out somewhere AND clean the whole house. What do you think?

Happy today for Cat Stevens.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Staying home tonight

and taking Michael in the morning. I am so tired that driving would be dangerous. Also there was a Bike Project thing tonight he really wanted to attend. For once, Ed was flexible and I am glad. I really think I could not have made the drive safely.

Last night I fell asleep at about 8:00 - on the couch. I had curled up at one end to read while Michael did his homework at the other end. I awakened about 2:00 with my book on the floor. I went in to bed after that, but then I really had nightmares the rest of the night and woke up frequently. I don't remember all the dreams, but I know many of them took place in the trailer where I lived a lot of the time when I was growing up. I don't know WHY that trailer was so terrible, but Heather and I both agree that it was "haunted" or "evil" in some way. She said she specifically feels like it was my room that was haunted. So my dreams were that I was in the space that was the most terrifying space I can think of... even though I don't know what happened there, or if anything really did happen there. The physical and sexual abuse I DO remember had all ended by that time so it is really strange. I feel like this experience with Roma really has triggered some kind of PTSD. So you think the State Department will pay for my shrink because they sent me a mentally ill child?

I am trying to get over my anger with Roma and recognize him as a child who needs help, but it is going to take some time. In his profile they had given us every teacher had given glowing reviews and high recommendations. I really think that either in between the application time or because of the stress of coming some serious mental illness kicked in.

I may have written it here before already and I am too lazy to go back and review... but somebody said (and I can't remember who) that it may be the best thing that ever happened to Roma that he came to OUR house, where after a while I recognized it was a mental problem and not just a rude, hostile kid. Lots of people said things about how the Eastern Europeans are often rude and antagonistic, and he's just a homesick kid and it's just culture shock, but there came this day when all the sudden I realized... it's just like when I was living with Ed... and it clicked in my head. HE IS ILL. He needs help. It took a while for it all to gel, but at least it gelled BEFORE any actual violence to himself or others occurred.

I am staying home tonight - already in my "soft clothes" and just reading or watching TV or cleaning as I feel like it. I am going to take it very easy on myself.

I have realized that I really want to hike the loop at Griffy this weekend, so that is on the list. Maybe I can find a friend to go with me. We'll see.

Happy today for peaceful moments.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Getting back to normal.

I feel like things will be getting back to normal when we reclaim the Roma's room, formerly known as the purple room, formerly known as Emily's room. I did get the sheets off the bed and wash them last night. It felt very symbolic and relieving. It was the only "productive" thing I did after I finished my hour of crying to Jim on the phone! I bet he was tired of listening to me, but he said it was okay.

Going to dry the sheets tonight and realize after it is done I need to make sure all the stuff that accumulates in the washer/dryer space needs to be removed for the delivery of the new appliances tomorrow. I will have to do it by myself because Michael will already be in bed. There are some drawbacks to not having a normal, late night teenager.

I am very tired. I still feel just completely worn out from the mental and emotional exhaustion of this ordeal, plus I don't know if I have really allowed myself to recover fully from the surgery. Also I have certainly not been sleeping enough or well through all this. Tomorrow is Friday, my already difficult day at work. Also at some point during the day I will have to leave to come home and meet the appliance guys, then I have to drive Michael to his dad's after work. THEN I am going to come home and sleep, sleep, sleep.... oh and I also hope to walk or bike a few miles this weekend. Just a few, and slowly, I promise!

Happy today for a boy who made his own dinner, even though I think it smells funny. I need to eat some protein to make it through the night but I don't think I'll be sharing in Michael's homemade refried beans.


Umm, yeah. Bye, bye Roma and please, may you get some psychiatric help at home.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

It is finished.

Coordinator came and took Roma away today. He is going back to Ukraine. I must tell you - I lived through years of sexual abuse and neglect and then an abusive marriage and this has been one of the most traumatic events of my life. I think because I invited him into my home as a guest and then learned he was a sociopath and an abuser. Then I had to try to maintain a level of sanity while trying to solve the problems because I am the adult. I will probably need lots more therapy again because I think this has "triggered" some memories and PTSD. I don't want it to affect my current relationships and behaviors.

Selfishly - I am eager to get my extra room back and feel excited about that. I was willing to give it all up (except that closet, I will admit it) , for then months, but if I don't have to, then good.

I am so tired physically and mentally I feel on the verge of a breakdown. I brought home paperwork tonight, but I don't think I can do it. Publisher's Affidavits can wait. Hopie needs sleep and escape.

Happy today for Roma gone, and that I was able to communicate his needs to national program by faxing the pictures. Also for a good orchestra committee meeting tonight.

Now, off to change into soft clothes and only do what I want for the rest of the night. I may or may not even care about dishes, etc. We will just see. Perhaps I will simply lie and read in front of a fan. Ahhh.

Mostly from an email...

He started a fire on the front yard last night, told Michael he was going to kill someone at school today, and drew pictures of hanged bodies and gunshot wounds to the head. My friend couldn't come over and sleep at my house so I went over and asked my neighbor if I could call in an emergency.

I was honestly scared last night and spent an hour crying after I found I was going to have to sleep alone in the house. (Michael doesn't count - he sleeps through everything). I worked on my paperwork for work about three hours and then finally went to bed.

Roma walked around this morning with a bicycle seat post in one hand slamming it repeatedly into his palm... He did put it down when I told him to get into the car, but laughed when I said I was taking him to school. I checked Roma into school and told the Asst. Principal that he would be nothing but a disruption to class and she put him right into in-school detention.

I stood in the school hallway and called him a little prick and an asshole...not really mature of me either, but I guess we all have our limits and I have definitely hit mine. I am going to go home at lunch and get those pictures he drew, bring them back and make copies of them. I want to make sure the CIEE program knows and hope they inform his government what he has done to be such a manipulative asshole so successfully and yep, I'd say bordering on sociopathic, because he has no regrets about anything he has said or done.

And now I have been cautioned at work about too many personal phone calls that "disturb" everybody else. Well, crap. I am a little bit disturbed myself - I have a violent sociopath living in my house! The only time he will be allowed to come back in is to get his stuff and that is it. I don't know if I can even stand to watch to make sure he doesn't take anything or if I will just have to have Cathy do it. I'll remember your headphones.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Sad, angry, frustrated and disappointed...

Is that enough words to show how my life is feeling contrary to my usual joy?

After having to scream at Roma to get up and get dressed, that yes he DID have to go to school, I dropped him at school and went to my counseling appt. which I wasted talking about HIS SHIT instead of more important stuff I wanted to work on. So I went to work and within ten minutes a call from an assistant principal. Roma apparently "withdrew"from all his classes. Ummm... he can't do that, I am his guardian and don't approve and he is also an exchange student and has to be enrolled in school. So now he has been freed upon the world to God is the only one who knows.... So I drove home and deadbolted the house and every window so he couldn't come back and get his stuff and just plain run away. The I went to the Ukranian deli and she hadn't seen him, but took my number and promised to call if he came in. So then I headed downtown to the music stores.... After checking one music store, one bakery, Bloomingfoods deli, then the next music store, found him. Screamed at him to get his ass in the car and drove back to school. TWO AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS in the Assistant Principal's office and in conference call with Exchange program supervisors. So he is still a student at school, on probation with exchange program and still living in my house.

I brought home paperwork, it being the end of the month and me missing four hours of work today. I certainlydid not want to cook and clean. Jim took us all out to Chinese Buffet, but Roma refused to eat. I think he doesn't want to accept anything more from me or even from Jim since he paid. The rest of us all had pleasant conversation and just tried to ignore Roma's sighs and eye rolling and his comment that eating out in his country is only for holidays.

So Seth had said he might be able to come and stay all night with me, but it IS his daddy duty night it depends what time baby falls asleep and baby mama gets off work and blah, blah, blah and since Seth works in circulation he has to get up uber early. I haven't heard from him and I want to call again, but I hate to bother him if he is asleep. I went to the teacher/coach who lives next door and asked if I could call him in the middle of the night if I need and he agreed.

Roma was in his room banging and throwing things and then went outside. When I asked him where he was going he wouldn't answer and I suggested a walk around the block or down to the park to do pullups and he said something about working out his aggression - then what he did was start a fire in the front yard... I went out and told him absolutely not, it was too late for a fire and we only do them in the designated fire area. Then I said, "Roma, it is just after 10:00, you can stay out until 11:00 and I have no problem with that, but then you need to come in the house and be quiet in yur room because it will be curfew." So then he came in right then and hasn't left his room since then. I haven't heard any thumpings or banging since then.

He did tell Michael he planned to kill someone at school tomorrow and Michael said Roma was practicing his jujitsu moves... Sigh. I am more afraid of him stabbing me. I wish Seth were here. He is about 6'5" and big and black and I hope he would scare the shit out of Roma. He could break his neck with his bare hands, probably. I will make sure Michael's door is locked before I go to bed, but my lock doesn't even work. I may take Heather's suggestion of last night and put a chair in front of it. SETH!!! Get over here. Call me. Come be my bodyguard! If he does come I am going to take him to Roma's room and say, "this is my friend Seth. He is staying all night with me and I thought you should know." I don't care if Roma thinks I am screwing Seth - I'm not - but I want his presence to be known if he is here. SETH PLEASE CALL ME! Do you think he is getting my mind messages.

Oh, Roma also told me he is not planning to sleep tonight. I said I didn't care as long as he is quiet in his room but that certainly sounds like a fine ingredient for a sociopathic episode, doesn't it? I don't think I will drug tonight, unless Seth comes. I don't think I will feel safe sleeping. I am hearing more banging and thumping now.

I think I am going to take my muisc mix off random and do some Norah Jones, Jewel, and Tracey. This keeps being a lot of White Stripes, which seems to me like it might aggravate a sociopath. Can music soothe the savage Ukranian?

Happy today for crab legs at Chinese Buffet - free for me - thanks, Jim!

Monday, September 1, 2008

I was right

Roma has been in his room packing. He just got in the shower and I had to go put the dishtowel in the hamper and could see that he has been packing. He even made the bed. I hope he's not planning on running away in the night because that would be a bigger deal than it is worth. I cannot stay up all night and guard, however. I suppose I could sleep on the couch to make sure he doesn't use the computer and/or leave. I don't think I will however. If I wake up and he is gone and all his stuff his gone I will define it as enough of an emergency to call Cathy's cell phone even though she is out of town, and probably call the Sheriff, too. Little asshole. I don't think I have ever felt so much animosity toward a teenager since I have been one myself. I was VERY angry sometimes with Ramsey, Emily's old boyfriend, and he REALLY deserved it, but that was mild compared to this.

Mamma Mia

Not a cinematic masterpiece, but entertaining.

Roma came home. I think he is in his room packing. I haven't been able to find somewhere else for him to go tonight so I may have to look at him one more time in the morning. After that I will ask the exchange coordinator to come and supervise him getting the rest of his stuff and take him away.

You know what the final straw was? We were all kind of doing lunches on our own and Heather cooked a hamburger for herself and some other stuff and he looked at it and said, "very unhealthy." I lost my mind. I screamed - "Well nothing we ever do will ever be good enough for you will it?" I threw (yes, really threw) my dishes in the sink and retreated to my room. By the time I could come out he was gone. I think part of what pisses me off the most is that we probably really eat better than 75% of the families in America. You won't find a piece of Wonder Bread in this house, no bologna, always about 10 kinds of fresh fruits and vegetables, a variety of REAL cheeses, whole grain cereals.... I am feeding freaking Hippie Boy. We grow our own tomatoes, cucumbers and peppers and eat them. I make my own sauces so they don't have sugar in them... and constantly since he has been here he has been rejecting my food as not being healthy. At the same time, every chance he gets he goes out and buys himself a Pepsi! Last night when we sent to the store I bought peaches especially for him and caved and bought a bottle of Pepsi. When I woke up this morning he had Pepsi for breakfast, yet he dares criticize Heather's lunch like that. What a rude son of a bitch. I just won't live with it anymore.

Heather and Michael both act like I am overreacting, but I am torn up inside. I feel like a miserable failure. I have had very few people in my lifetime with whom I haven't been able to get along - just a couple of roommate troubles and that is it. This is insane.

I was so angry all day I had to really fight the temptation to pour the rest of the Pepsi down the drain and go strip his bed and start washing the sheets. I figured if he stayed another night he could sleep in a damn sleeping bag. Thankfully, however, I was able to maintain some sense of maturity and resist those temptations. I did take his keyboard off the computer and put a sign on the computer that says DO NOT TOUCH. It is probably cruel to keep him from contacting his family today, but he can live without it for twenty four hours, I think. Besides, I am making the orchestra directory and have about twenty hours of volunteer clerical work in front of me. I don't want it messed up.

I am also pissed because I have a counseling session in the morning and I know I will waste all my time talking about this shit instead of some real issues I want to work on. Fuck Roma all over again. I know I am a bitch and I should say, "he is just a mixed up teenage kid who has had a hard life." But you know what? BOTH of my children have had totally fucked up lives, and they are still kind, respectful and sociable people.

Anyway. I DEFINITELY need to do a round of housework and take some major drugs. I promise not to pull a Heath Ledger and I promise not to drink Stephanie's vodka on top of the drugs. I know I will NEVER Sleep tonight if I don't start working toward it VERY soon and tomorrow will be a hard day, first to get Roma to school, then right to counseling, then have to contact the exchange coordinator, then to work, where I never did go in this weekend and get caught up.

Happy today for: Shit, I can even be happy today. "Mamma Mia" was on the five buck club and I got to go see a totally escapist movie - and by the way the choreography kicked ass. Almost all the songs were big production numbers and it gives a whole new twist to the "phrase Greek Chorus." So there.

I'm kicking him out.

The Coordinator is out of town. I have left a voice mail with another family who has exchange boys who attend the same school. After I yelled at him Roma ran away so I don't even know where he is. I took his keyboard off the computer and I am going to leave a note on my computer that says DO NOT TOUCH.

Heather and I may run away to a movie. I hope to hear from the other family by the time I get back. If not, I may call Jim and beg for one more night of him having Roma. I don't really ever want to look at Roma again and I don't want him to spend one more night in my home. IT will be like hell to get him in my car and even take him to another house.

I realized it is like having an abusive spouse who criticizes everything you do. Abusers cannot change (only in 2% of cases is there ever a change in the dynamics of an abusive relationship). I will not put up with the shit any longer. If I leave before he comes back I will leave another note in addition to the one on the computer that says, "Start packing your stuff."