More on my "shudder"

I have been thinking about it all day and bounced some emails back and forth with a couple of other close friends who know ****. One of them is still a faithful church member, the other has left the Mormon church, but is still a very spiritually practicing Christian. They both made some really good points in their emails and have certainly given me a lot to think about. I am grateful for both of their friendships. I would not think of unfriending either of them because of our differences. ****'s words in her email I quoted below remind me of all the people who write on the DAMU (Disaffected Mormon Underground) about when they profess their disbelief their spouses see it as losing the bonds or the commitment in their relationship, suddenly invalidating their marriage vows, and then the believing spouse is the one who leaves and files for divorce! It seems like I have especially seen a lot of broken-hearted men in that position.

One thing that intrigues me is that both **** and **** with whom I emailed today mentioned differences in our lifestyles. My lifestyle and values really have not changed that much. I don't think it's a "sin" to drink, but I hardly ever do it. Heck, if I am going to consume extra carbs and calories it is going to be in the form of chocolate! The only time I have EVER been drunk (I must qualify since I left the church) is that night after Halloween and that was some kind of fluke... I am grateful I was with Pat who made sure I didn't do anything stupid and took care of me. I don't think it's a "sin" to have sex outside of marriage either. I do think, however, that one has to be careful with intimacy, realize what it means to you and protect yourself and your feelings...(and also don't harm other people). When a friend emailed asking if she should or she shouldn't I really felt like she shouldn't, because I knew she would attach emotional intimacy to the physical intimacy and end up hurt.

I still haven't responded to the message about my Facebook entry. Part of me wants to delete that note, because I don't want to be offensive, and part of me says leave it there. It is true to what I feel. I regret those years that I was so deeply into the church that I lost sight of myself, of my personal needs, my emotional needs, my intellectual needs and felt like I had to live some proscribed lifestyle and standards to which I would never measure up accordingly. There was no mercy in it for me, only depression, despair and failure. I know that that is not the way God, or even "the church" wants people to feel, but that's what it did to me and I had to leave to save myself.

One of the final straws came when I attended BYU Women's Conference. I was just starting treatment for depression and making myself realize that taking medicine for depression was not some sign of terrible weakness, that meds were a tool I could use to help myself and get back to where I needed to be. I felt guilty and weak and selfish because I felt like I wasn't going to be able to function much longer without chemical help. Then I went to a talk by John Bytheway, one of the huge, crowd-attracting main speakers. He said in his talk - this won't be word for word, but something like, "Women should not be depressed. If you are depressed you are literally wounding the heart of the Savior because you are not accepting the grace of his mercy." I should look for what year that was and see if it is in the book they publish with many of the talks in it. That struck ME in the heart and wounded MY heart. A couple of years after that our Bishop challenged the entire ward to read the Book of Mormon in thirty days. If I recall correctly, if you ready 28 pages a day, it can be done. I faithfully set out to do so, realizing it had been since Seminary that I had read the entire thing. As I read I got to the verse... I don't remember the reference now maybe somewhere in second Nephi, that says something like Okay I looked it up here it is: #
Alma 32: 27
27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than a desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

and I realized I did NOT desire to believe. I had been trying and trying to believe for years, trying with all my heart to follow the commandments and do what I was supposed to - yet all I felt was guilt and pain. What I desired was to feel good, be loved, and be able to do what was right for myself and my children and that wasn't found in the LDS church for me!

Since that time I feel like I have grown so much! I have made steps toward deciding what I really want to do career-wise. I have taken classes in different fields, explored my talents and am finally (I hope) coming to some idea of what I want my life to be in terms of work. I have been a good mother - really! I know my children are amazing and talented in their own rights, but I allowed them the opportunities to learn and grow in the fields they have chosen. I nurtured and loved them and supported them and I still do! I admire their wisdom and their principles and when they have screwed up a couple of times I have been there to help them through it. I have amazing friends IRL and online both, friends in all different countries, religions, careers and ages and stages of life. I have family and extended family whom I love and admire. I love my nieces so much and sometimes I am heartbroken that we are so far away and see them so infrequently. I wish I were better at communicating so they would know that! I am so grateful for the ones who blog so I get glimpses into daily life and get to see all the pictures of the children more. I am learning to love my parents more fully and respect how they tried to parent. There were a lot of mistakes, but I am realizing that they did the best they could. Sometimes I tell Em & M, "I do the best I can. It's just that sometimes it sucks." I realized I needed to apply that to my own mom and dad! I had the best man in the world for a big brother and he died. I am so sad about that, but since then my other brother, who actually abused me when we were young has tried hard to fill a big brother role in my life. I am grateful for that.

All that is a rant or a ramble, but what it boils down to is MY LIFE IS COMPLETE. I am happy. I am grateful. I am growing. I love and I am loved. I don't disrespect anybody because they are Mormon or Hindu or Buddhist or whatever... If somebody were compelled by a belief to harm someone or harm themselves I would be wary. Well I was harmed, whether by myself or by the words or actions of others in the culture of the church and it (the church) had to go for me to continue to become the person who I am today. I regret putting it in a way that hurt someone's feelings, but I don't regret my decision at all.