Maybe this is too personal,

but I really am hurt and sad and I feel the need to express it. I did a thing on facebook that was "What were you doing 15 years ago, 10 years ago, 5 years ago. On 10 years ago I put: 5) Where did you hang out? Church stuff (shudder)

One of my friends with whom a lot of that hanging out wrote me this long response:

Hope,
It hurts me to read about the shudders the gospel/ church gives you. I remember you sharing the difference of going away from the church and coming back - how having the gospel in your life the second time around was such a blessing. You said you would never leave again. I remember going to the temple with you. I remember sharing spiritual experiences with you. I look at myself, and think I would be a whole different person without the gospel. It has shaped me and affected me in everything I am and want to be. The effects are what I let them to be - and I know there are no limits from God's side... it is my own lack of faith or willingness to let Him help me that makes the progress slow at times...
Each time I read about your comments on your feelings about the church today, I feel hurt. You 'shudder' everything the church is... I am part of it...
When you last came here to visit us, I knew you were on your way out of the church. I wanted to say so many things, but couldn't make myself do it. Instead, what I remember, rambled on about all kind of dumb stuff and felt sick for a long time after. It took you a while to let me know you had left the church, but I had known a long time before... The spirit had left - there was a whole different kind of feeling about you. You say you hold on to friendships for a lifetime, but I don't know what our friendship is? How can you think of me as a friend, when everything I believe in and try to live in my life is about the very thing that brings all the negative feelings in you?
How do you separate your feelings for your friends in the church from those toward the church?

You are a talented, fun person and I am really impressed with the creative side you've developed (not that you weren't creative years ago, it's just that I can really see how you've IMPROVED in it, like an artist would). I think your life is full and you find happiness in the things you do. I wish you well in everything you do and continuing happiness.

I am NOT necessarily saying good-bye... It does look like it, doesn't it... What I am saying is, I feel our friendship has changed from 17 years ago. I felt it take a deep dip during your last visit to ****. It took me couple of years to be able to contact you once you told me that you had left the church. I was so mad at you and I was so mad at mySELF!!! I kept thinking that if I only had tried to talk to you when I saw all the negativity and signs of your talking yourself out of the church, perhaps things would have turned out differently. It took me a long while to realize that you get to make your own decisions and I can't be mad at myself.

I hope you all the best in the things you wish for and goals you've set for yourself. You have raised two beautiful, talented young people. It is great to see the things they've accomplished and certainly hope to be able to keep in touch to continue to share the accomplishments of our lives (or our children's lives) '').

I think this is the first time I have ever felt rejected because of my church status or non-status. All the people I have considered true friends and not just acquaintances through church have remained in my life. My family has still treated me the same. My sister-in-law is the most "testimony bearing" of anybody, but I don't feel like she would ever dissociate herself from me in any way, and I know she does it out of true concern. I just let it pass by, just like many of the silly emails she forwards... :). And I DO separate my feelings about my friends in the church from my feelings about the church. The church is not really everything a person is! When I remember my time with this friend, sure there are relief society meetings and junk in there, but I remember more the fun times we did other things together more, trips to parks, picnics, kids playing, dinners, when her grandparents stayed at my house, meeting her family, etc. She specifically mentioned feeling so close to me because we had attended the temple together and to me, that just wasn't the whole picture, and maybe not even a big part of it, just one little piece in our lives. I think I am hurt because it feels to me like she is discounting the rest of all those years and somehow they don't count now if I am not a Mormon.