Purging (plus a little more)

(Copy of a post to my super-secret weight loss support group)

No not THAT kind of purging. I mean getting rid of old clothes that are too big. It actually kind of frightens me. I put my elastic-waisted pants in the Opportunity House bag and that was the scariest. That means when it starts to get cold again I will have to go buy new pants to wear to work. When I got fat again I only let myself keep about three items of smaller size clothes. I told myself If I lose the weight I will deserve new clothes! I think it's true, but I worry about having enough money at the right time and the actual act of shopping. I usually go to Wal-mart or Target, find something on clearance that has a big 24W on it, buy it, bring it home, THEN try it on. If it doesn't fit I will return it later.

Tomorrow I have to buy a new bra. Gillian is coming with me for support (lol!) She says we are going to Macy's and they will fit me properly. I am afraid of a $40 bra instead of my $14 bra in a box from Walmart. I have been wearing sports bras as much as possible, but they often end up showing somewhere so I need at least one regular bra that fits well. I think the worst thing is that the size discrepancy between my boobs shows more now. The right boob is probably still a D and the left a C. More plastic surgery later. Sigh....

I'm probably going to make this my blog entry tonight too. I'll just sum it up with FEAR FEAR FEAR.

Hope

A little more. There are some guys at work who frequently use mean and sarcastic humor. One of them I have nicely asked before if he could cool it and explained that I feel like it really does hurt peoples' feelings when he says the things he says. He has responded with comments like, "Well they're big babies, then. They better toughen up. I don't care. It's the only kind of humor I know how to use...." Today I was having a fantastic day. I felt a little bad and irritable and had even emailed and asked Leah if I finished early if I could leave, but then I ended up accomplishing so much - even doing things like rearranging my desk so it is less crowded and making things fit together better, taking down some signs I have had posted too long, etc... I felt really, really good by then and I sang a line - one line - from a song. (I often sing at work). Chad says over the wall between us something like, "What is that screeching sound that's making my ears bleed?" I had to walk over to the printer over near him anyway and when I got there I looked right at him and said, "Chad you are mean, just a mean, mean person. I hope your son doesn't grow up to be like you or there will be another asshole in the world." Then I just walked back to my desk and tried to finish working. Somewhere in there my computer tool bars got messed up and I had to call Steve to help me get them back. I was crying and I was embarrassed. I wasn't crying so much over what Chad said, but the fact that I had said something so mean in retaliation. He THOUGHT he was making a joke. I was trying to be mean and hateful and I think I accomplished it. I am still stewing about the whole thing. I almost feel like I should apologize to him, but I don't want to. I have tried many times saying my thoughts about mean sarcasm. I also confess that I do it sometimes. I try no to, but it is often the atmosphere in the office and it is easy to slip into it. I think I'll just let it go, consider it purged, and go take it off my FB status now that I want Nikki to punch Chad in the face for me. He also used to do it to her all the time and she hated it and hated him for it.