Bloggy, Blog, Blog

before midnight. Even though I didn't sign up for Blog 365 I still feel compelled. I guess I truly have developed the habit of writing every day, which was the goal.

I went out tonight with some people from work and then Debbie and I left and road-tripped to Bedford, a little town about 20 miles south of here. We went to a hick bar named Rusty's. There was a good band of guys about 60 years old who played covers of Stones, Van Morrison, ZZ Top, CCR... I just realaxed and enjoyed the music and we talked only when the band took a break. Just now got home. I'm sure I will sleep well tonight.

Positive thoughts today toward a pleasant tomorrow, accomplishing some household tasks and communication that needs to be done will be accomplished.

Friday night.

Michael and I watched "Rebel Without A Cause." It was good - melodramatic. I will probably try to watch some of the special features tonight.

I worked hard today. I feel like I accomplished a lot and had some good ads.

I chatted on FB tonight with a HS friend and told him about Lu's upcoming surgery - Tuesday! I need to call her because she sent a card with her email address on it so they can compile an email list to notify everybody all at once when it is over, but I can't read her writing - chronic Lu problem. Handwriting ability must be directly connected to mitral valve function.

I am not going to stay up late tonight. Going to start a little laundry and make sure the food is put away and that's about it. I made Michael a yummy triple decker veggie quesadilla and I had a creamy chicken burrito. Lots of dirty dishes, but I think I will procrastinate until tomorrow. Michael is going up to Indy to the North American Handmade Bike Show and then going to his dad's so I can be a slug tonight.

Maya Angelou is not coming Sunday after, all. She is ill. Get better, Ms. Angelou!

I am happy another work week is over. Today was payday and I got some things paid and I have plans to go out tomorrow night so tomorrow will be a good mixture day of Michael in the morning before he leaves, alone time, pampering/ girly time, then going out with actual people.

So positive thoughts toward a GREAT weekend.

Three hour meetings

are three hours long. Even when they include pizza and salad that is a long time.

We did SWOT:
Strengths
Weaknesses
Opportunities
Threats.

It was productive. Cory is a good leader at meetings and doesn't let things get too off track. You know how I feel about THAT.

A twelve hour workday, however, has me beat. I am going to check a couple of bulletin boards and then hit the sack.

Positive thoughts today toward a positive work environment (most of the time) where ideas and creativity are welcomed in helping the company solve our revenue and sales issues.

Quick post and Dad update...

Dad is home. They did the camera down the stomach thing again and didn't find anything as far as I know. I will let you know if I get any further info.

Positive thoughts today are for my future success with my business and still lots of healing for friends and family everywhere, including those of us who just have dumb, long-lasting colds, because even that is a real bummer.

One thing I do...

Take things from barely literate people and turn them into easily read and clear copy. Also, when people do these Memoriams they are VERY emotional about them. Who knows? In three days this woman may call back crying because I didn't spell everything the same way she did, even though it was incorrect.

Still caffeinated...

Another day with Excedrine and also felt like I needed a coke. I swear it takes forever for it to kick in.

Dad is in the hospital. I only have third-hand information, but he has had a problem with internal bleeding before and had to have a transfusion and I guess it is that again. They never did find a cause last time. I will let you know if I get any more info.

I got another note from Lu today. Her surgery date is March 3, that's nest week! Eek! I have been having some denial and emotional problems dealing with her impending surgery. I will call her in the next couple of days. I had the idea that Nick, her husband would call Kim, who could then call me and Susan, but Lu says what they are going to do is build an email list to notify everybody when it's over.

So positive, more healing thoughts today all around and please, positive energy from my readers too!

It finally happened...

Michael got hit by a car, but don't worry he is A-OK. It was the driver's fault, she turned and hit him. He realized that she was going to hit him so he steered away and it just barely got him before she stopped. It didn't even knock him over. It did knock his chain off and his toe clip. She felt really bad and was kind and gave him and his bike a lift the rest of the way to school. He fixed it after school and rode home and now he is off riding to Bike Project... He didn't even tell me until after he got home from school. Funny thing and kind of ironic is that we left at the same time today and he went one road and I went the other and as I went through one intersection by the fire department the rescue truck was going out and heading toward Michael's road and my imagination said, "Oh Michael probably got hit by a car today." That wasn't for him, though, he got hit later, closer in town...I always worry about him on that bike, but it is a vital part of his life and independence. He turned it into a reason to say, "Mom, if I had monkeylectric lights, she would have seen me."

I actually do sort of plan to buy him some with the next influx of money I plan to get. It is designated for the remainder of surgery bills, patio door replacement, France food money and monkeylectric lights. I kind of hope for Japan food money out of it too, but I am not exactly sure how the budgeting is going to work. I haven't totalled the amount necessary to finish off the surgery bills.

I have still had major headache today. I am SO tired of being sick. It is just terrible that I want to get back in the habit of intentional movement every day, and I can't even imagine doing fifteen minutes. Like I am waiting for check by mail for said influx of money and I tried to tell myself I could only check the mail if I walked - there and back is about fifteen minutes - but I just drove by in the car on the way home. It's so awful. It was even a little warmer and sunny at the time. I guess all I can do is hope that when it is much warmer and I am over this congestion/cough/headache thing I have been fighting for over two weeks now that I will be able to do it.

Hippie Boy made dinner tonight and made burrritos (bean only ugh) and cut up lots of veggies. He just finished telling me how much he loves this brand of tortillas I buy. The package said "contains as much calcium as a glass of milk" so he read the ingredients far enough to see if it was added in. Then while he was making his second burrito I read the ingredients to see what form it was in and found that they are also enriched with fish oil! So not vegetarian by Michael's standards. I thought about not telling him, but I would have felt dishonest. So now I have to start looking for other whole-grain, perfectly textured VEGETARIAN tortillas! Who would have ever thought... but they are trying to make them more nutritious by adding the fish oil for the Omega 3s. Sigh.... I'm sure there are some at the Co-op, but they probably cost an extra dollar and he eats tortillas probably every day. He makes wraps instead of sandwiches all the time because they hold hummus and veggies better. The complexities of feeding one vegetarian person who is supposed to be adding MORE carbs and fats to his diet and feeding an omnivorous person who is supposed to be having fewer carbs and fats in her diet, yet want to eat dinner together many nights each week is challenging! Sigh on that one!

Well positive thoughts toward a restful evening. I want to get warm, put away the dinner stuff and do dishes. And you know what! I am going to set my timer and freaking DANCE for fifteen minutes. I KNOW I have it in me. The end.

ABC Meme

A - Age: 43
B - Bed size: Queen
C - Chore you hate: cleaning floors
D - Dad's Name: Robert
E - Essential start your day item: toothbrush
F - Favorite actor(s): Phillip Seymour Hoffman
G - Gold or Silver: silver - or white gold!
H - Height: 5' 2"
I - Instruments you play(ed): violin, flute, recorder, fife, penny whistle
J - Job title: Classified Sales Representative
K - Kid(s): 2
L - Living arrangements: Me, Michael, Katie, 2 Betta Fish
M - Mom's name: Martha
N - Nicknames: Hopie
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Kidney infection, fibroid tumors removed.
P - Pet Peeve: I don't know. I'm sure there are plenty
Q - Favorite Quotes: Be in love with your life (Jack Keruoac)
R - Right or left handed: Very dominant right
S - Siblings: Two brothers, one sister
T - Time you wake up: 6:30
U - (There was no U!) Lets see... U - Umbrella? Blue with smiley faces
V - Vegetable you dislike: Beets?
W - What makes you run late: Illness
X - X-rays you've had: Lots of head, elbow, wrist, ankle, kidneys...
Y - Yummy food you make: Cheesecake
Z - Zodiac: Libra

Positive thoughts today for- the beginning of a good work week tomorrow. How's that for sickening optimism?

I dumped...

as in WENT to the dump, not the other thing. Well, I may have done that too. I don't remember, but I do eat a lot of fiber...

Michael is home from Science Olympiad. They got first in Fossils and second in Remote Sensing (Don't ask me - something about satellite data....) so he will go to State. He said he had a great day, but still feels physically terrible. As bad and as tired as I have felt lately I understand, I have chronic diseases, don't control my diet as I should, have not been physically active like I used to be. There is NO REASON that a kid who eats such healthy food and rides his bike 10 miles a day should feel like CRAP all the time. Did I tell you guys that I sent him to the chiropractor whom I love and trust? She said he needs more food, more carbs and more good fats. She has him downing flaxseed oil by the tablespoon. It's been maybe a week and I don't notice any improvement. All I see is that an eighteen dollar bottle of organic flaxseed oil almost needs replaced already... We have also been using flaxmeal. I used it when I made bread last week and he used it to make pancakes Monday. I may need to start making bread more often to get it in. Yeah I need more housework and cooking to do. Maybe tomorrow I will make some muffins and use it. I do have some fresh blueberries right now. I also have a squishy banana or two. I can make some banana bread with it.

So anyway. I only came back to post again because I didn't post any positive thoughts earlier today, but of course I have to report more.

So my positive thoughts today are for a more productive tomorrow, somehow involving flaxseed or flaxmeal and time with Hippie Boy.

I have been so lazy today.

It is 4:33 and all I have done is cook and eat and nap and watch TV and read and play online Scrabble Brand Crossword Game trademark Milton Bradley.

I need to put on shoes and take some trash to the dump, at least. If I can do that and then at least get the dishes washed and counter cleaned off... Tonight when Michael gets home from Science Olympiad I would like to watch Rebel Without a Cause. Then tomorrow we can do groceries and all that. It snowed some and I left the car outside last night so that makes going to the dump more difficult. Sigh. I haven't gone for two or three weeks because I have felt so bad every weekend. The only other night it is open is Wednesdays and that never works for us.

I'm a lazy creature sometimes.

Yawn...

I went to bed soon after I blogged last night. My TV was on, but I don't remember much past the opening credits of ER. When it was over Heather called me, but I hardly remember anything she said except Dr. Carter came back and is is getting hemodialysis. I will have to look online tomorrow and see if I can watch the episode.

We had our wellness screenings at work today. No surprises. It said my triglycerides are super high again which surprised me, because the last time I had them checked at the hospital they had dropped over 100 points. I am very discouraged about my weight and health issues right now. You think with all my optimism and positive thinking that I ought to be able to just kick ass and do it, but I feel very STRANDED where I am. I can't seem to get my food choices and activity under control. I don't know what to do. There are so many ways that I am a disciplined person that I know it is not a matter of weakness. It is a matter of discovering what I really want and just going for it. I am sure there is fear involved. Maybe I need more therapy...

I had a headache all day and have had Excedrine, Sudafed, etc. It is still here. It is probably pressure because the weather is supposed to change again, maybe snow tomorrow. I think I am going to take some serious drugs and go to bed and watch a movie until I fall asleep. I still haven't felt well since that weekend TWO weeks ago when I slept away most of the weekend. I even felt bad on my mini vacation, which was a bummer.

Michael is at Alexander's tonight and has Science Olympiad tomorrow. I am glad I don't have to get up and take him at 5:00 in the morning. Actually, he said he'd rather ride his bike in if he stayed at home anyway, but I think the rain and snow are supposed to start tonight. I'm not sure...

So positive thoughts toward my own healing this time, both physically and psychologically that I can make choices that are good for my health.

Almost 9:00.

Got to take medicine and go to bed early tonight.

I just decided last night that I would read Maya Angelou's "Heart of a Woman" next and then today they announced she is coming here to speak next week! I MUST go see and hear her. I will have great motivation to read a lot and read it before she comes.

I am tired tonight, but it is ER night. I'm not sure if I'll make it.

I did some great Target shopping tonight while Michael was in his cello lesson. I got a furry animal print throw on mega clearance for $6.00. I can't wait to send it to my online friend Jill/ Zenobia. She's not really lying about recovering from her surgery anymore, but it will still be fun for her to have. It will probably cost more to ship it then I paid for it.

Positive thoughts tonight toward the wellness screenings at work tomorrow. That my numbers will be better than last year's especially the triglycerides.

Big Day.

Back to work. It wasn't too bad. That is one advantage to not doing Public Notices any longer - there isn't really stuff to get backed up when I'm not there. Sales is more immediate and must be done when it must be done.

Michael cooked some dinner = spaghetti. I ran by Wendy's and got a salad for Katie and myself to share... a big one with the chicken. Ate quickly then back to my class. My class is being taught by a woman who is super cool. She has been in the Bloomington community forever... started a business, worked on city council, now works with Middle Way House on starting their own businesses for residents to have jobs and learn business skills, just super-neat. I really, really enjoyed it and I really like most of the people there. There is one guy in the class (Michael V.) who has also traveled in my one crowd of friends and I don't think he likes me. It's strange because we connect all over town and in many different situations but he has never seemed to like me. It puzzles me because EVERYBODY likes me - and why wouldn't they? So being there with him was a little uncomfortable. I also feel a little funny because everybody else with food-related ideas (This is a mixture of Kitchen Incubator and other small business people in this class) have all these healthy, altruistic, locally grown produce things they want to do and I just want to bake and get rich and have time to write books too, by the way. I feel a little selfish and very much like the fat girl when I talk about it.

I have lots of home work that is kind of self-examination stuff. I look forward to doing it, even though it might be difficult. It really is time for me to determine if I honestly have the guts and the creativity and the intelligence to pursue this. We shall see....

Michael had a solar bike team meeting while I was in my class and came home with a tentative itinerary for the Japan trip. MORE fund raising, MORE money, but SUCH a cool thing. I hope we can make it happen!

Positive thoughts tonight toward self-examination being a good thing, and good energy to getting Michael to Japan.

Final Day...

This is going to be short because I have taken so long and I want Katie to have computer time to play her game. She really like it.

I ended up eating breakfast in the restaurant. It sounded good and I decided I didn't want to play in the water today - too much trouble. So it was lovely, but let me warn you if you are trying to cut calories BEWARE THE BREAKFAST BUFFET. All the bacon you can eat! Contentment.

In Nashville I was disenchanted. It used to be quaint shops of truly handmade goods. Today most of those shops and galleries that are REAL were closed. What was open were the ones that have been taken over with Yankee candles and commercially produced replicas... I must admit to buying something in one of those shops however. I have wanted a wine rack for the top of the china cabinet and looking for them in shops and online and there was one in one of those shops for only $20. The saddest thing is that it was in a shop that is in a house called "The Old Ferguson House" When I first went to the old Ferguson house 25 years ago it was really owned by Mrs. Ferguson and she was really there and it was so amazing and unique I wrote a descriptive essay about it! I am going to have to find that journal and share it with you. She had a sarcophagus upstairs and funny sayings painted on the walls and wouldn't sell anything I tried to buy! Sadness that she died and it's one of THOSE places now.

Mostly, looking around the shops made me realize I am not really that interested in that kind of stuff anymore. I do have decorative items in my home, and if I saw something I really liked I would have bought it (ie: wine rack). I'm just kind of disenchanted I guess with that whole accessory thing. I would really rather spend my money on a digital camera and useful items to start my business or home repairs or hell, even a fatoldlady, skirted swimsuit! And that maybe some of the hobbies I have thought of pursuing - like I've kept Emily's unfinished dollhouse, thinking I'd like to decorate it... but now I think not. I think I'll keep my crafts and still pursue the idea of making the train layout... but the dollhouse is probably going to go. I was in the miniatures store and the thought of buying the stuff made me think I'd rather not buy it. If I were ever to finish the dollhouse I would want to actually make all the furniture myself or it would not really be craftsmanship or of value, just artfully arranged money....so I am going to check with Emily and then probably get rid of the dollhouse. I will never have time to hand make furniture and things.

So I ended up coming back to Bloomington earlier than planned. I went to Bloomingfoods to buy vitamins for Michael and went to the IU Surplus warehouse to look for furniture. There is a couch I really liked for only $60, but I couldn't smell it to check for odor because I AM STILL SICK. Another bummer for my vacation. Then I came home and took a nap until about 5:00 when Michael came home.

So mini vacation is over. It didn't go exactly as planned, but I got plenty of time alone, meals I neither cooked nor cleaned, bought a new fatoldlady swimsuit, completed reading a book, watched trashy TV, exercised in the water and didn't talk to anybody that I didn't want to.

Back tomorrow to having to pretend to be nice and like people for the sake of money. Yay money. Michael just told me today the state no longer subsidizes the fees for the AP tests and he is taking three. So almost three hundred dollars to produce, but it's cheaper than paying for the credits in college and makes you get through faster.

So positive thoughts of rejuvenation and renewal for another round of the workaday life.

Vacation Day two

Day two of my mini vacation and getaway.

I made some mistakes in planning and preparing for this trip, but I am just going to learn from them for future trips.

Here's a rundown so far:
Yesterday was too confusing, first Michael wanted me to stay and go to the concert, then he said he didn't really want to go, them all of a sudden he said, " We have to leave now." and I was like... "Uh, I thought you didn't want to go, so then there was a frenzy of are we going to go or are we not until finally we both said forget it. It's too late for this to happen in any way, shape or form. So then I just finished getting ready and came to the Inn and left Michael on his own with a plan to go to Bike Project and meet up with Katie later. After I checked in I thought I'd get into my swim suit and check out the "water park". Well when I put on my swim suit I realized it fits differently than it used to and in fact was quite indecent... If I were going to spend any time in the water par I was going to have to go shopping. So I headed to Columbus, opposite direction as Bloomington, but about the same distance. By this time I needed food so I drove around looking for an acceptable vacation food establishment. I prefer a little diner, locally owned, with down-home cooking. I was getting too hungry so I settled for salad and pizza at "Potzko's Pies." It might be a chain, but I've never been there before so it was fine. They had a good salad and a pretty good little pizza!

Then I hit Target where HORROR OF HORRORS, I purchased the ultimate fatoldlady swimsuit with a SKIRT. I feel hideous. I remember a time in the seventies where I thought a suit with a skirt was the cutest thing ever - not so any longer. My fat belly and then legs are so disproportionate, however, that it creates an obscene gap around the ummmm.... upper leg area. Something had to be done to save the children. The other option was a two piece with a baggy top and "boy leg" shorts, but they would make me look pregnant and the first time somebody would have asked "when is the baby due?" I would have burst into tears crying, "seventeen years ago!" I'd rather be a fatoldlady.

Speaking of children, when I planned this vacation I didn't realize today is a holiday... My peace and quiet vacation turned out to have a lot of families with children. Sigh.... At the water park I did pretty well at tuning them out. I alternated between reading my book, sitting in the hot tub and playing in the lazy river part of the water park. It's a very small circuit, but what I did was walk with the current one round, then turn around and walk against the current another round. I did that ten times total. It was HARD to walk against the current. When I walked back to my room I could tell how tired my legs were.

I rested, changed and had dinner the in Inn Restaurant tonight. Meatloaf. Yum, but not as good as mine. I neither cooked it, not had to clean up the dishes, so that made it great.

After dinner I came back to the room and read some more and watched TV. For the first time ever I watched "The Bachelor" and "True Beauty". Botheare very interesting shows. I may have to forsake Jon & Kate + 8 for the next couple of weeks to find out how they turn out.

So I have been pretty relaxed. I DID go back to Bloomington today for a chiropractor appt. but that is something good. I talked to Karin about the dizzy spells and she says I have something called an odalith. I have no idea if I spelled that correctly. Some kind of calcium deposit in the ear canal that throws you out of whack. If you go up and down and turn your head and go up and down and turn your head and go up and down.... it will eventually flush out. She had me do it a few times and it was honestly getting better each time and I have already noticed it less the rest of the day. She said I might have to do it a couple a couple of weeks to get it all the way out. ALSO MORE SURGERY POSSIBLE??? She had told me before I have a lipoma, a big glob of fat deposit by my left shoulder blade. Today she suggested I get an opinion on getting it removed, that it might be so large that it may be pressing on my ribs. It is true that it is always my left side that has problems, left hip, left knee, left side of my neck... heck even my left tooth.... and it just occurred to me as I was typing (transcribing this from my written journal) that Dr. Weiler said it was my left side that had all the problems and major adhesions during my surgery this summer and why I had extra incisions on that side. Things that make you go hmmm....

Tomorrow plan is to get up and eat a fiber bar and applesauce breakfast in my room - get almost everything ready - go to the park from 10 - 11:00, then get ready and check out by 12:00, then into Nashville to browse the shops and eat lunch. Back home for dinner and to hear Michael play at "Fine Arts Night."

It's almost midnight and time to settle in.

When I first got here I turned up the heat full blast. It was finally tonight that I got hot. Now I've turned it all the way off and I am burning up.

Crazy/... oh and no internet for two days. I brought Katie's laptop and then it turns out no internet in this hotel! I must say, however, I think it is the cleanest hotel where I have ever stayed.

MIchael is ironing.

I think the earth is tilted the incorrectly on its axis today, but then that might make it summer instead of spring so that's okay with me.

I am slowly working on getting the house back in shape and getting ready for my mini vacation I am going to take.

I could check into the hotel at 2:00 or so, but Michael has asked me to stay here and go to the Camerata concert with him. In a way I am thrilled because how many moms can say their seventeen year old son wants to attend a classical music concert with them? In a way it kind of bums me out because I will miss one of my nights of dinner at the inn and swimming pool time. This vacation is supposed to be a time for me to do only what I want and I am already deferring to someone else's desire. I guess I am just going to have to get over it and let it go. I still have more days. I will still go out to dinner alone, just missing it at the lodge is all. I looked up and it's different on Sunday anyway, they have a special buffet and not evening dinner so whatever. I am trying to learn to go with the flow, and the flow is that it is more important to spend the time with Michael than in a hot tub.... I think. :)

Positive thoughts today for pure selfish delight until at least 7:00 Tuesday evening. That is the earliest time I will return home unless there is an emergency.

Positive thoughts...

I made quite a long post earlier but just re-read it and realized I hadn't posted any positive thoughts. I DO have positive thoughts today! Gratitude for friends, gratitude for chocolate and delicious food. Joy in loving my children and recognizing their talents. Still positive healing thoughts for friends in many places who seem physical and emotional healing...

Brunch is done.

I think about 10 women in and out as the time passed. I served a simple menu: breakfast casserole, bread, yogurt, cottage cheese, fresh fruit. I made the bread with the whole wheat beer bread recipe, added in flax meal (we're trying to get more flax in Michael's diet as a good fat), dried apricots, pecans and cinnamon and nutmeg. It was YUM, but could have been a little more moist...I think that's the problem with a fat free bread - you have to watch the baking time very carefully. The breakfast casserole I looked up a recipe on allrecipes .com, then totally changed it, of course. It ended up with eggs, ricotta, onion, mushroom, spinach, potatoes, cheese and sausage. It was my favorite part. I also had teas, coffee and juices. I finally gave in to the cost and bought a bottle of sparking wine last night, in case anybody wanted a mimosa to start Valentine's Day! Nobody went for it, however, so now I need someone to share a bottle of "champagne" with me. I guess I will save it for the next party. I had cute little bags of party favors that were Rolos and Hershey kisses. I intended to make little tags that said "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold." I never got to the tag making point, however, so I just said it.

The purpose of this brunch was an opportunity for me to reinforce some friendships and have friends from different factions of my life merge a little. I had friends from church, Women Inspire, work, and different parts of life all come together. I felt like that part was successful because one of the things I heard lots of while I was finishing up the food was, "How do you know Hope?" and then talking about themselves to each other. I was really happy Jennifer came all the way down from Hebron (Very top of the state!) to come to my brunch. We hadn't seen each other I think since Michael and I went up there August 2007. That's just too long. Jennifer and I are not very huggy with each other, but I needed to give her a BIG hug when she got here! I've never been very huggy, but it's funny how it's different with different people. Like Loni is VERY huggy, so I have learned to just accept them from her and not feel strange.

My idea for my next party is for a pitch-in with a catch. You are not allowed to buy anything special for the party. You must already have it in the house. So I need to think of a clever way to invite people, yet tell them right before they come that they have to bring something... Then if we end up with ingredients we'll cook, or if we have snacks and hors doerves we'll have that, or if we end up with flour and water, we'll make papier mache... It won't be a "Come as you are," but a "Come with what you have" party. I have to learn to spell hord'vores sometime, don't I? I spell it so badly spell check can't even tell what I'm trying to do. Maybe that should be a goal on my list for starting my catering business?

I am pretty tired. Michael went to a bike "race" last night that didn't start until 9:00. He ended up calling for a ride home after midnight because his rear light was pooping out. I had planned to do a lot more to prepare for the brunch last night, but getting him and then picking up his water bottle he had left in another spot took up a lot of my time. I also realize he has a gig tonight to play for some kind of dance. He keeps telling me he wants to rig the bike trailer to be able to haul the cello and I flat refuse. The cello is too valuable and not replaceable if destroyed. It would sure be nice to not have to drive him to these gigs, however! SO, I think I am going to go lie in my bed for a while and rest, maybe sleep. At least read a lot more of Inkheart. i think I am a little more than halfway through. It's an easy read, but because I have been so sick I have been sleeping instead of reading.

Here's irony for you... the married man who wants to have an affair with me TEXTED me to tell me Happy Valentine's Day. Ha! How romantic. I texted back that his action was sort of ironic considering his situation, but that I hope he has a nice day too and that I had held my brunch and indeed am having a happy Valentine's Day. Sheesh!

Now off to sleep or at least rest for a while. My mini vacation starts tomorrow! Maybe I should take my bottle of "sparkling wine" with me just in case....

More stuff.

I talked to Heather last night and I decided that even if I don't feel very good and can't get the house perfectly clean I am going to have my brunch tomorrow. If I have to BUY PREPARED FOOD (Gasp!) I will do it. I will see how I feel after work tonight and make the decision. I feel a little bit reserved in handling food for others when I have been so ill, but I think that so many of my friends and I all need a good time to recharge and connect and just be girlfriends together that nobody will care.

I'd really like to at least do the baking, though. Buying already cut up fruit is expensive, but it's not like I'd be subbing it for my own freshly plucked produce. Serving somebody else's muffins or bread is a whole 'nother ball of wax.

It's official.

I have been accepted in the Pilot Project for the Bloomington Kitchen Incubator. My first small business classes start next Wednesday! It's a night Michael usually goes to Bike Project anyway, but eleven weeks seems like a LONG time.

I already know I will have to miss one really important orchestra meeting and maybe a concert, but Michael and I talked about it and we both ssee it as such an investment in my future that we're willing for that to happen.

Postive day with good things happening. Now if only I felt like working...

Sigh...

I received my usual Valentine from my friend Lu last night. Usual except ironically, it contained the news that she is having open heart surgery next month to repair a collapsed valve. She has had some kind of little heart troubles for many years, but I guess the new diagnosis is very scary and serious...if I can remember without re-reading a collapsed mitrial valve or something like that. She is in Missoula Montana, which according to her is a great place to be and her dr. is one of the experts in the world in this procedure. Lu is 20 days younger than I, thin, healthy, walks two miles a day, AMAZING person. She was my birth partner when I had Emily. We have been friends since seventh grade. I feel like I should GO, but I know there is nothing I would be able to do if I went. I wanted to tell Gillian about it all day, but I knew I would cry if I tried to talk about it.

Michael had first lesson with new teacher. I sat in and it was amazing. I LOVE this guy. The plan now is to alternate lessons one week with Shelley, one week with Ben. Shelley will most likely sit in on the Ben lessons - I will NOT pay for her presence.

I am still sick and losing my voice off and on throughout the day depending how recently I have had fluids and how much I have talked. I plan to do some house stuff tonight, but try to do my version of take it easy. My brunch is Saturday and I do NOT want to cancel so I have to be well enough to feel comfortable cooking for people and also to be able to enjoy the company.

Kitchen Incubator meeting was GREAT. I feel like I will be chosen to be one of the six in the pilot program, but I don't have any confirmation on that yet. There was one of THOSE people there - a woman who had to negative everything the presenter said and somehow prove that what he was saying was wrong... I did NOT keep my mouth shut last night. I did NOT say the "F" word, however. I managed to say to her... "in an opposing viewpoint, I feel the program is great because..." Everybody be proud of me for keeping it clean! If I AM chosen, it starts next week with classes at the Small Business Development Center. The actual kitchen is not completely built yet, so the business training, feasibility studies, business plans and goals come first. Woo hoo.

So a mixture of good and bad, but maybe every day is that way.

Positive thoughts for trying to remember and feed off the good of each day. Positive thoughts toward Bloomington Kitchen Incubator and learning to achieve some long-term goals.

The end, to go check my Scrabble games, and then start some laundry.

Tonight's meeting is for...

They are finally starting the “Kitchen Incubator” project where people can rent space in a licensed kitchen and legally produce goods for sale. It is part of a project by our domestic violence shelter called “Middle Way Food works.” That is why I mention that I am a former resident in my little bio. There is a meeting tonight and they are going to choose six people to begin the project.

I have also contacted the Small Business Development Center to get information and assistance on registering the name as a Sole Proprietorship and all that. Woo hoo!

I hope I still have a voice at 7:00 tonight. I am still struggling with talking today.

Positive thoughts toward being selected and everybody please think positively with me!

Still ill...

I went to the orchestra booster meeting, but gave it a one hour limit and left at 8:00. I volunteered to be in charge of the breakfast for the Golf Scramble on April 18th. I am NOT going to make and cater breakfast for 80 people. Instead I am going to solicit donations from businesses for pastries and juice and stuff.

I worked all day with only me and one other rep on the phones, I did all the online submissions AND I trained Joyce on some stuff while at the same time she was training someone else on her old job. I left for about 20 minutes to go get a Frozen Coke and Meds from CVS, then worked until 5:30. THEN I came home, cooked dinner, ate and off to the meeting. So now I am going to watch the Biggest Loser and go to BED. Oh - lots of medicine first. I realized I forgot to take my morning meds and then lived on Frozen Coke all day. I never checked my sugar because I was so busy, but I never felt wonky (except for my still recurring dizzy spells) so I was probably okay. I did have some real food for dinner - whole grain pasta and sauce with TVP - and we have some leftover chicken I will have for bedtime snack so I will probably be okay.

So positive thoughts for healing, still. Also positive thoughts that I am going to quickly go check my Scrabble games and kick some butt, right?!

Sore throat.

I made it through the day, but it was terrible. Michael wanted to go to Bike Project earlier than he is able when he comes home to eat first. I gave him my blessing to use his card at the Co-op and have dinner out. I stopped at the store and got deli fried chicken and asparagus and instant potatoes for Katie and myself. So we had a quick dinner. Katie did all the dishes and she has gone off to buy blinds to replace some broken ones. While she does the out of the house errands I am going to start writing things down in my check book. I'm going to get it balanced to the penny so I know exactly what is in there. I have already paid one big bill, but still have the surgery bills to contend with. It's time to get them taken care of!

So positive thoughts today toward my financial well-being. Also sending some healing thoughts still out to Jill in the west and now east to Pennsylvania, to Dolly, the partner of a HS friend, who is having some very serious testing done today. Heal well, friends!

About ready for bed.

I just had to mention that my son is sleeping out in the yard tonight. He's been over anxious to go camping all winter and hasn't made it. Because it is "nice" tonight - above freezing - he asked me if he could sleep outside. I decided why fight it. I have a VERY nice sleeping bag that is pretty well rated and I also have a fleece liner he put inside it. He is on a tarp so he should not get wet. What a nutty kid I have! He really wants to take a bike trip to Muscatatuck. I have no idea how many miles away it is, but I know that he doesn't have proper gear to take that length of trip right now. We are going to have to work on it. It is a beautiful night with a full or almost full moon. It was rising as I traveled east on Hwy 40 to go get Michael and it was so lovely it distracted me somewhat from my driving. It is difficult sometimes to be such an avid sky watcher.

Well, off to bed. I did complete a few more of the household tasks after we got home.
Is this obsessive? Does anybody else wash and bleach the shower curtain liners if they start to get soap scummy or discolored and bordering on mildew. Do you not care at all? Or do you just go out and buy new ones? Sometimes I wonder if I care too much or if I am too cheap and should just take the easier solution, even if I do care too much. I really want responses on this one, so if anybody out there is reading this, tell me what you do, please!

I've been sleeping again.

No church, no clothing swap, no grocery, no movie, no walking. I have decided to get in the car and just DRIVE. I have a mind to get something to eat and to stop at the really big dollar store in Indy and look for cutting boards. Our Dollar Trees haven't had any and it is time to get some new. I have done a few household tasks and started my new book, but that's it.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have a little nagging cough and have been having some dizzy spells lately. I almost hope that I am sick at this point. I will feel justified in not accomplishing my tasks if I am sick, and not just lazy. I have such a guilt complex. I know it's not healthy. If I can make it through the week, next weekend is my brunch and then my vacation in a HOTEL, where there are no tasks to be accomplished and no guilt to be be felt.

Positive thoughts today toward making it through the week and feeling more energy and satisfaction with myself.

A little bummed...

I didn't officially blog on Saturday, even though it still feels like Saturday! I stayed home all day and just did laundry and domestic tasks and read. Around 4:00 I dyed my hair and lay down and slept until just before midnight when Pat called and needed a ride home. I got dressed and went downtown and took him home. I stopped at Wendy's and got a hamburger and a salad because I hadn't eaten any dinner when I fell asleep and that is a long time. I ate a late lunch and it had plenty of protein - I had cooked two Tilapia fillets so that's probably what kept me alive! I had planned to take myself to a movie tonight. Oops. I did watch a movie on the computer - "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead" with Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I really think he is the best actor of my generation.

Pat and I had talked about going to a movie tomorrow, but he'll probably feel like crap tomorrow now. I really had too much to choose from anyway. I could go to church, to a clothing swap, a movie... I also have to drive to Indy to pick up Michael because Ed came to get him Friday. Likely plans are I will go to church if I get up in time, get some lunch out, go to the clothing swap and then just go to Indy from there. Or maybe I will do none of the above. I still don't have the house all the way clean like I would like it. Sleeping away the late afternoon and all evening took away a lot of productive time. So unless I stay up half the night I will end up starting another busy week with a messy house, which is always a bummer. It's also the week before I have my brunch on Saturday and I don't want to have to stay up half the night cleaning AND cooking. Cooking will be enough!

I am feeling very movie-ish lately, which is unusual for me. Normally even when I watch movie or TV I sit and work on knitting or another project at the same time. Lately I am content to just sit (or lie down) and watch. It kind of worries me because I wonder where my energy has gone. I haven't exercised my minimum 15 minutes either. Today it was 55 degrees outside, and I am comfortable walking when it is that temperature. I didn't even step outside the front door until summoned by my drunk friend, however. What's up with me? If it is warm tomorrow I should FORCE myself to walk. Maybe I will go to Bryan Park and do it. The trail is paved and it is a circuit of .8 mile so I can see how I feel each time around. If I go on Clear Creek trail it's a "there and back" sort of trail and I have to figure out when I am halfway done and then make it back to the beginning. I'd like to go to the loop at Lake Griffy the most, but it is probably really muddy from all the melting snow.

Pat has a really nice bike he says he wants to give Michael. I didn't have the bike rack on the car tonight in anticipation of driving to Indy tomorrow and he kept saying he wished I had it so I could just bring the bike home and surprise Michael when he gets home from Ed's. I'm glad I didn't have it, as much as Michael would like the bike (It's VERY nice, Pat is secretly rich). Though Pat has talked about giving it to him for a couple of weeks I don't want him to actually do it when he is drunk. He needs to make sure he will have no regrets.

I almost feel like making a Kroger run for some groceries. Things are a little skimpy. We have plenty of food, but need the fresh stuff. It would be cheaper to wait and go to Aldi tomorrow. Another thing on my list of possibilities.

At least I don't have so many meetings this week. There is the possibility of Buffalo Sisters Monday, but I RSVPd that I am probably a no, Orchestra Booster meeting Tuesday night, something else I can't remember on Wednesday night, cello lesson on Thursday night, get ready for brunch on Friday night. Is that enough? I hope whatever I can't remember on Wednesday night is because it is either non-existent or so insignificant I can skip it. I get tired. No wonder I slept all afternoon and evening.

Well, I need to decide if I am going to try to sleep or work on the house some more. I don't feel physically tired, just kind of headachey and lethargic. It might be better to take some drugs and let the sleep be chemically induced, jut to try to be able to get up at a normal time and get my rhythm back to normal before the work week starts.

So let's see positive thoughts: that Pat is learning a lesson about asking for help when he needs it instead of being a stupid asshole and driving, and working toward a more balanced week in my activities and home time.

Went out and back.

Ed came to get Michael so I had a Friday evening to add to my weekend, but no real plans. If I had taken Michael I had planned to go out with Heather in Indy. I wasn't willing to drive up by myself, however, and then still have to drive back on Sunday to get Michael. SO I took myself out to a little dinner. I didn't read or anything, I just ate and people watched. It was quite relaxing and I took my time and really enjoyed. I went over to one of the bookstores that is open late and browsed. I saw SO many things I would have liked to buy, most of them for other people, which almost justified purchases in my mind, but not quite. I still haven't paid off all the medical bills so I walked out empty handed. YAY for self control. It made me feel like I got out a little bit and was entertained.

Tomorrow or Sunday I plan to go to a movie. I told Pat the other day, "This weekend I am going to a movie with or without you!" We keep saying we are going to go to a movie and then one of us wimps out every time. I almost went tonight, but the drive to blog was too strong to resist! I knew I wouldn't be home before midnight and even though I didn't sign up for Blog 365 this year I still have the drive.

The rest of the night I am going to finish watching "What Not to Wear" start a load of laundry, change into soft clothes and just relax. I'm pretty tired, so I will probably have crawled into bed by the time this show is over!

Positive thoughts for the weekend to complete a couple of small projects: a shirt for Sue, at work I am fanycifying, and some soap molding.

Feeling happy and relaxed. Good for me.

Well it's over...

The rash of meetings this week. Three different orchestra meetings. An hour long meeting with the publisher this morning. I think my meeting with Cory was Monday. Enough! No more! I don't think I have another meeting until at least next week some time.

I'm tired. Tonight Michael had cello lesson then we were right off to a meeting... then I got home. We all ate separately tonight so had no family time. Katie did the dishes and cleaned the counter, which was really helpful. I don't think I've had all the dishes all done at once any time this week (Take that, Flylady!). The table still needs some work, but you know what I believe... tomorrow is another day!

Positive thoughts tonight toward relaxing and watching my favorite TV show knowing the dishes have been done. If horror of horrors it should turn out that ER is a re-run I will work on finishing the Alice Walker novel I am reading. I bought "Inkheart" tonight while Michael was in cello and I am anxious to start it.

I hate people.

Specifically, I hate people who at meetings have to prove that somehow they know more about the subject being presented than the person presenting the subject knows. Then the presenter has to find some kind way to NOT say, "Shut the fuck up. It's my turn and my idea." Instead the presenter has to say kindly, "thank you for sharing your experience. I am sure it is something the other parents will keep in mind as they make decisions concerning their student's welfare while on this trip...now as I was saying before you so rudely interrupted..." Well, I guess the rudely interrupted part doesn't get said, but even if it did, it would be better than "shut the fuck up."
I have one more meeting this week with the committee. There is only one woman who is actually on the committee who is the rude-interrupt-to-tell-her-story type, but she is SUPER bad at it. By tomorrow night, third meeting this week I may resort to the "shut the fuck up." with exclamation point. Have I written fuck enough times in this blog post yet?

Had soul food dinner at UU tonight to celebrate Black History month. Last year I did pretty well controlling my food. Tonight I did not resist the triple layer peach cobbler. I could probably use a hot of insulin right now. I am going to test my sugar and probably drink a quart of water to thin it out. I probably also came out to the Institute Director's wife as we walked into the orchestra meeting, both late. I told her it was because I was at church for dinner and a family worship service. So now I have come out about UU in my holiday letter and to my former visiting teachee... I haven't really actually joined the church, but the affinity is becoming pretty obvious I think.

Positive thoughts today are more toward good recovery for my friend Jill. She and Val came to visit me a couple of years ago and it is still one of my favorite memories of meeting internet friends IRL. So heal well, Jill!

I found my keys...

which means I lost my keys in the first place. I went to lunch and then shopped at Dollar General. When I went back to the car I looked and looked, I went back to the restaurant, I went back to the store, I went back to the restaurant, I dumped out my purse... No keys. I finally gave up and called work and had somebody come get me. Donna volunteered to bring me home from work and on the way she said she wouldn't mind if we stopped and looked some more. So we stopped. Donna helped me look in the car, we went back to the restaurant, we went to another business nearby. Donna asked, "Do you want to go back to Dollar General and ask?" I was worried about taking too much of Donna's time, but I said okay. They had them! Someone had found them in the parking lot and turned them in. YAY! Glad for a happy ending.

I came home and made a lovely dinner. I tried to mimic Cafe Django's nutty noodles. I cooked noodles, made a sauce with almond butter, peanut butter, butter, chopped peanuts and a little milk and salt and pepper. I sauteed chicken separately for Katie and myself and Michael sauteed some tofu with a chopped hot pepper (from our garden!) to add to his. It was pretty good. We decided it could use more veggies, even though I swear I had an entire skillet full, but I guess it's good we like veggies. Kate and Michael both REALLY liked them. I said, "I appreciate when you appreciate my food and express your appreciation!" They weren't completely like Cafe Django's, but they were good. I think a little Tahini, with its sesame flavor, might zip them up a little, or maybe a little curry. Next time around.

So positive thoughts today for good karma in key finding and good food and good conversation and good appreciation!

I haven't done a thing...

in the house all day except make more messes! I started cleaning out the hall closet yesterday... or was it Saturday? Anyway, there are still items strewn about the hallway which either need trashed, recycled or need new homes. In my SCADS of shopping Saturday I purchased an organization tool for placing the scarves, hats, gloves and things which were previous tossed in a cardboard box and half buried under the air mattress... This closet was so messy that the door couldn't shut completely. It was like a "Zits" cartoon would show Jeremy's closet only in real life, and all adult made. Argh. Now the succeeding mess on the floor needs cleaned up. I trip on the air mattress every time I walk out to the living room, but I don't know yet where its new home will be. At least I could put it in the garage without fear of a cat peeing on it! That's probably where it will end up.

Orchestra meeting. Hilarious. People can get so off subject that it's insane. Jane was so tired from solo/ ensemble all day Saturday, then she gave the football party last night! At one point she was screaming at us like she screams at the kids, "I need you to make some decisions now!" I was laughing at her so hard I thought I would pee my pants. Nobody else was listening so I just turned to her and said, "Write this down. We're having an electronic auction, not an event with a silent auction. Every family with a student going is responsible for getting one item with a minimum value of $25 donated. The families should not purchase items to donate. Deadline for donations is March 1. Items will be cataloged and on the website by March 15th. Bidding is March 16 - April 1. Delivery is promised by April 30." The end. And that is what we're doing! There just comes a point when SOMEBODY has to say it and make it GET DONE. I am often that one, because if it doesn't get said or done soon enough I will start swearing and that is NOT a pretty sight!

Tomorrow I am going to call the mall office and ask them if I can have 50 brochures about their prepaid Visa cards to take to the parent meeting on Wednesday. While I am there I will also ask them if they can donate a gift card to the auction. We'll see how that goes. I figure if I am asking them for promotional materials by which they will make money, they can ask corporate if they donate to our cause!

I have trouble asking for donations because so many businesses in town are advertisers. I sign a conflict of interest form each year and many businesses consider charitable donations part of their advertising budget so it is a fine line... I always kind of figure the orchestra is non-profit so it is not really a competitor, but I think about it.

Positive thoughts today are for ME. I am glad I am able to see when there is really a need for leadership and just do it. I don't like being totally "in charge" of an event because I tend to control freak out and not delegate, but in times like tonight I have the balls to make it happen when it needs to. Also positive thoughts toward a fruitful inquiry at the mall tomorrow.

And now I must decide to leave the house messy and go to bed for some much needed rest or try to tidy a little first. It's a little late to try the 10 minute increment method tonight. I think it's either do it or not!

Scrabble Ramble...

It is amazing how badly I play Scrabble online. Everybody kicks my ass. I have learned to be more strategic in my playing rather than just playing whatever word displays my vast intelligence and vocabulary. I still don't really want to take the time to THINK that hard about the strategy, however. Even if I am playing with someone who is also online and we are playing quickly I don't take time. Instead of sitting here contemplating my next bingo and triple word score I will fold a load of laundry, start dinner, put away groceries, clean the oven.... I can't just SIT HERE and play Scrabble. I think that is why I am much better at Scrabble in real life. I do move quickly once it is my turn, but I have contemplated at least a little while my opponent has made his or her move. Scrabble is the only slow moving game I actually enjoy. I like thoughtless, easy games like Sorry, Racko, Uno and Phase 10. Even when I play those games I practically go insane if I am playing with someone who doesn't pay attention. If I have to say, "It's your turn," too many times I become nearly homicidal. I guess this is a symptom of my restlessness, or guilt complex, or ADD or some psychological problem.

Positive thoughts today toward going to a football game party tonight and being social. Positive thoughts toward socially acceptable conversation and behavior on my part and that the large, hyper dog won't get me swearing in front of people I admire and would like to get to know better.