Eating Disorder...

Really. Tonight was the final night of the Diabetes Care refresher class. They take you out to a buffet intent on publicly humiliating you for your food choices. Remember when I did this three of four years ago I almost didn't return for the rest of the class? Same issue. I was almost in tears and extremely agitated by the end of dinner. I cannot deal with having my food choices evaluated in public. My stress was added to by the fact that the Diabetes Educators wore their hospital name tags at the restaurant. I really felt like my patient privacy was violated. I am already self conscious about what I eat in public because I am so fat. I judge myself harshly and feel like others are probably judging me also. Then to have it made official and known that I am a fat diabetic felt shameful and embarrassing to me. I made sure to note it on the evaluation form for the class. It took a great deal of personal strength to go to the classroom instead of coming home after the dinner. I took an Ativan on the way to the classroom and I still hadn't settled down after a couple of hours. Ha! I bet I burned off every calorie from dinner because I was so agitated I fidgeted the entire time.

I know my sugars are great (did I tell you my A1C was 6.0 last week?), my weight is down and I am feeling better and treating myself more kindly with my women's groups and activities and things like that. Even knowing these things my self-esteem and emotional issues made the public dinner something I probably should have chosen not to attend.

I did set two goals tonight for the next month: to attend the support group, and to log my sugars in writing. I'll try to remember to return and report on those.

Happy today for: Michael turned the porch light on for me when he knew I'd be coming home after dark. It is something I always try to do for him, and I really appreciated it.