Work, work, work...

Sometimes I think that is all I do. I work all day at work and then I come home and work some more!

I mowed tonight, which I actually enjoy, but while I was mowing I saw so many other things in the yard and garden that need done and I don't like all the other stuff! When Michael is here I have him clean the yard and pick up sticks and all that so I don't have to do it. He also weeds to prevent me from using chemicals in the garden. Tomorrow I will have to set a goal to weed and put down a little more mulch.

I have also been wasting time emailing back and forth a little bit. It has been sort of serious, but fun at the same time.

That reminds me, I want to post a little bit that I have emailed with my friend, B, from high school. I didn't ask his permission so I'll keep it anonymous.

I wrote:
I'm listening to music while I work - YAY!

A song just reminded me of a song that you played/ sang for me, oh thirty tears ago maybe... that you wrote that was a modern kind of ballad/pop (although I hate to say the word "pop" to describe it). Do you still do any of that kind of songwriting or was it a teenage phase?

B. responded:

Gosh, I don't remember writing songs like that -- but then there's a lot of my childhood that I don't remember...

Hmmm maybe someday I'll write a Broadway show....

Love,
B

I wrote:

I'm glad you answered before I left work today.

E. doesn't remember a lot of her childhood either.

It's kind of sad/funny that I remember so many little details of even the very traumatic abuse, except I have one episode in my memory that ends before it's over, so that one I REALLY worry about. :( I even thought of starting to write that one out this weekend and see where it takes me. It's kind of scary to think about, though, and I am afraid that writing about it will make me remember and I don't have a therapist right now!

When I think about the song you wrote I think some of the lyrics talked about a winter night and evenings spent playing cards.

And he responded:

Thanks for this note. I often wish I could remember the details of my traumatic abuse (instead of just the feelings) but then I think that if I'm meant to remember them I will. The hard part is respecting the feelings without having the concrete "evidence" to explain them. And I'm getting better at that.

It's so sad that things like that happen to people like you and me (and anyone else for that matter). I'm glad we've survived and get to live our lives now.

I LOVE what he said about respecting the feelings. Sometimes it is still easy to think - Oh it was so long ago. I should be over that. I recently had a real flash of anger again and was surprised to realize it was still there. When I was with interesting new man on Sunday we talked for five hours or so. We talked a lot about our pasts and it felt really good to have someone to talk to about it after recently experiencing that flash of anger. I want to try to do what B. does and respect my feelings, even if I am not sure where they come from or what episode may have triggered it.

Happy today for: I bought a CD! I deserved one WAY back when I deserved my last weight loss reward and I never got it. Well today I FINALLY bought my first Aerosmith CD. I have loved listening to them so much lately and finally decided it was time. I really battled between Toys in the Attic and a hits CD, but finally went with the hits because it had a LOT more songs for only $3.00 more and because I really did want some of the new stuff too. I listened to all thirty songs before I went out and mowed!