He's trying to kill me Part 4

Tonight we joined a "Community Bike Ride." The organizer nonchalantly announced, "We're going to ride down to second street then to the mall, circle the parking lot and then come back." Yeah, right. I made it down to second street, up and long, long hill and a couple of blocks past. I had to stop and rest several times on the hill, but I was determined that was my minimum goal. I made it! Then we turned around and rode back to Rachael's Cafe! Loni was in there talking to Rachael so Michael and I joined them for a bit and I had a drink and he had a muffin. When I first walked in I went down the stairs and my legs almost gave out on me, seriously. They were like rubber! After I rested a while we rode over to Sahara Mart so I could look for celery seed extract - none to be found. Then we rode back to the park and the car and came home. I didn't make the entire bike ride, maybe half the way, but it was a really good, good workout for me.

Michael was good and patient with me as always. He could have ridden to the mall and back about twenty times... He stuck with me all the way, encouraged me and gave me the practical advice that I should turn around when it was time. He wants me to get used to riding on the streets and not just the trail and the neighborhood because he wants me to forsake the evil, gas-guzzling, hydrocarbon-emitting car and ride my bike to work. I think that's a LONG way in the future.

Happy today for: all kinds of stuff as usual, but especially today that I went for a walk at work with Christie this afternoon. I haven't been walking at work as much since the forced move out of Peaceful Valley and it felt really good to do it again. Oh Lord, I exercised twice in the same day and I am happy about it. Sickening.

Michael's Mommy Meme

You guys are supposed to answer these questions about ME and then email themback to me. Do it or I'll beat you up.
1. What is something mom always says to you? Do a load of dishes!
2. What makes mom happy? Friends
3. What makes mom sad? Children
4. How does your mom make you laugh? By being funny
5. What was your mom like as a child? Caring
6. How old is your mom? very old
7. How tall is your mom? she's not tall
8. What is her favorite thing to do? nothing
9. What does your mom do when you’re not around? I don't want to know.
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? writing
11. What is your mom really good at? cooking
12. What is your mom not very good at? um, how aboutstaying awake during movies
13. What does your mom do for her job? help kick people out of their homes
14. What is your mom’s favorite food? chocolate frosting, or maybe chicken if that doesn't count
15. What makes you proud of your mom? she's very caring about other people.
16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? If Disney's Peter Pan counts as a cartoon, she would be Wendy.
17. What do you and your mom do together? watch movies, sit around, walk
18. How are you and your mom the same? We always pee at the same time. Although I pee a lot more than her.
19. How are you and your mom different? Many many ways
20. How do you know your mom loves you? She always talks about me like she cares about me.

It's not Wednesday!

When I switched to my blog page and saw that yesterday's post said Monday I realized I have been thinking it is Wednesday all night. It's a good thing I was on the right day at work because we have one newspaper that is published on Wednesday and Saturday and I would have forgotten to do my part of production if I had been on the wrong day! It would have been caught because the deadline is before I leave, but I would have been embarrassed!

My friend Katie came over tonight and hung out. I was in bed resting so I invited her to come to bed with me. So there. Now I have been in bed with a woman... :) She had to give up her doggy tonight and was really sad. She had him for nine months and tried and tried but he just didn't have the right temperament for her. She is one of those people who always has animals, usually more than one, and keeps them responsibly for a really long time. This was very difficult for her, but neither of them were happy. So this week I have been trying to nurture Stephanie with her bitter divorce and now Katie with the dog giving up. It makes me grateful that even though I have some issues that are giving me stress they are issues that will be short-term and then resolved and not things I will have long term grief over.

We picked several cucumbers from the garden tonight and shared them with Katie. She shared some green beans her brother had given her from his garden so YAY. Fresh produce for free. The other night when Steph and the boys were here we had fresh green beans for dinner. She boiled them and then added a little butter and Parmesan cheese. They were really good that way. I need to make them that way because if I make them the Hoosier way with some kind of pork product added Michael can't eat them. I don't want to starve him for nutritious food like his dad does.

So happy today for: friends who are comfortable asking for my help and accepting it. Fresh veggies and a pretty damn good life.

Nice things:

All kinds of happy for today.

A foot massage.
A secret phone call at work.
A little dream while listening to beautiful music.
Helping a friend who is having problems.
Walking a dog who really needs out.
A good family relationship.
Tender kisses.
An amazing novel to read.
Nutritious food.
Events soon to happen.
Anticipation of more good things to come.
Good writing to do.
Being all caught up at work.

Emily's mommy meme

1. What is something mom always says to you? "Public Notices this is Hope Can I help you?"
2. What makes mom happy? ME
3. What makes mom sad? Michael, the lesser child
4. How does your mom make you laugh? she laughs at herself. she tells me funny things that she does.
5. What was your mom like as a child? younger than she is now. besides that, i bet she was pretty much the same.
6. How old is your mom? 42
7. How tall is your mom? shorter than meeee. 5'2"
8. What is her favorite thing to do? talk to me of course, read books, make projects up and work on them, and sometimes finish them, grow things without killing them, cook food. okay, that's more than one thing, i know.
9. What does your mom do when you’re not around? how am i supposed to know? i don't know if i really want to think about it. i'll say that she "knits hats" all the time.
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? great american novel
11. What is your mom really good at? smiling at meee! listening to me rant on the phone all the time. trying to help me when i need help
12. What is your mom not very good at? making millions and giving me cash
13. What does your mom do for her job? newspaper notices
14. What is your mom’s favorite food? chocolate frosting is what she would say
15. What makes you proud of your mom? she always finds a way to be happy about things and she taught me how to do the same thing!
16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? definitely betty boop, she's zany but hott
17. What do you and your mom do together? does talking on the phone count? we do that a lot. i make her watch movies with me when we are together
18. How are you and your mom the same? we are both short and have brown eyes! we also both like just to chill a lot of times, and we are BOTH hilarious. i mean, who could hang out with me or my mom and not be laughing. well, i mean, that could actually be a bad thing...but we like to imagine that people are laughing with us. we both chose career paths that don't make millions.
19. How are you and your mom different? i will marry a rich engineer and still have my millions. i love love spending money on nice clothes that i can't afford. but the J. Crew flip-flops i am wearing right now are the most comfortable things every invented.
20. How do you know your mom loves you? because she's my mom, duh. she talks to me. and she does things for me like she went with me when i had a problem i had to get fixed even though it wasn't very fun. and there's no way she COULDN'T love me because i am basically the coolest person ever and everyone loves me. except my stepmom who is jealous of my brains and good looks and wishes her daughter was as cool as Hope's.

A short hike.

Michael took me on a short hike, but it included eight and a half flights of stairs up a hillside. I had to stop for a brief moment in the middle, but I made it.

Stephanie and Jack and Alex are here. It is wearing me out. I am glad I had my children when I was young. I don't know how Stephanie does it.

When in doubt...

Do a really long survey?

1) Have a best friend that knows you inside and out?

Deanna and Lu pretty much do.

2) Have you ever been punched by the opposite sex?
Why yes, I have. There's more than one reason I am not married anymore!


3) Do you like coke or pepsi better?
Mostly Pepsi, but McDonald's fountain Cokes are good.


4) Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a D?
Dave, Emily's biological father.

5) What color are the walls in your room?
Potato Chip (Yep, that's really the paint store name. It's yellow) and jet blue.

7) Good face & bad body or bad face & good body?
Good face and body that needs to be healthier.


8) Are you in a relationship?
I am in all kinds of relationships!


9) Can you cook harder things than spaghetti, pancakes, and macaroni?
I can cook almost anything, with an occasional, spectacular failure.


10) It's 4 in the morning, your phone rings who do you expect it to be?
Heather


11) Did your last kiss mean anything?
Yes. It did to me. I hope and think it did for him!


12) Can you play Guitar Hero?
Never have, probably never will.


13) Are you addicted to MySpace?
Nope.


14) What do you currently hear right now?
Computer hum, cicadas, occasional birdcall.


16) Who is the first person in your phone book?
The number 1 - I tried to delete somebody and couldn't figure out how.

17) What made you happy today?
A nap. I made ribs for lunch.

18) How many times have you flown on a airplane?
I don't know for sure - ten maybe?


19) What's your favorite candy bar?
Snickers I think, or Lindor with the creamy filling.

20) Who is the first person you think of when someone asks you who you like?
Steve, but it might be switching!

21) Who was the last friend at your house?
Stephanie

22) What do you think about the current gas prices?
The same thing everybody else thinks, along with the wish that I could get enough balls to try to ride my bike to work.

23) What were you doing an hour ago?
Eating ribs for lunch.


24) What's the closest blue object to you?
A pen.


25) Have you ever been in trouble with the police?
Yes.

26) Where will you be in an hour?
Somewhere around the house, or maybe at Stephanie's I think she is in for some drama today.


27) Where was your first job?
Detassling corn for DeKalb.

28) When you eat Starburst do you eat the red and pink ones first?
I eat whatever comes out first. Pink is my favorite. I don't like red.


29) Do you tend to think with your heart or logically?
I think with my heart probably way too much. Is that really called thinking?

30) What was the WORST thing that happened to you today?
I had a headache so I went and bought a Coke. I had no caffeine yesterday and figured it was a withdrawl headache.


31) Who took your profile picture?
My friend, Lisa. (Well that was my MySpace answer. I think on here, Zenobia a/k/aJill)


32) Do you know a lot about cars?
Yes. I even took auto shop in HS.


33) What's your favorite kid's game?
Shoots and ladders.


34) Why did your parents give you the name you have?
Named after my grandmother, Dorthea Hope Leeper.


35) What kind of grades did you usually get in school?
As and Bs.


36) What are your plans for the future?
Pay off my debts, get a new job, sell the house and move to New Mexico!

37) What did you do this Valentines Day?
I don't remember.


38) Whats something that bothers you about guys/girls?
I have the same pet peeves with everybody. It doesn't depend on sex or gender. I am an equal opportunity disliker of people.

39) Was the last person you kissed cute?
Oh yeah.


40) Has anyone ever told you that they want to spend the rest of their life with you?
Ummm. yeah, the one I dumped.

41) Would you change anything about yourself if you could?
I would lose weight, improve my health and get my teeth fixed. Everything thing else is practically perfect in every way!


42) Do you get along with girls?
Yep.


43) Last time you were disappointed?
A couple of weeks ago.

44) Are you happy at the moment?
Yes, not ecstatic, but very content.


45) Do you tend to fall for people easily?
Yes, much too easily.


46) Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Well that depends on whom I am calling my boyfriend...
He might be visiting his mother today.


47) How do you feel at the moment?
Content.


48) What was the last movie you saw in the theater?
The Dark Knight.

49) Did you enjoy your weekend?
Yes. Friday was kind of blah. Saturday was VERY nice. Today is very calming, even though I am anticipating some tension when Stephanie and her children get back to town. (She just called - she's about 45 minutes away).

50) What is making you happy at the moment?
My house is clean. I am calm.


51) Do you trust easily?
Probably too easily, and that is why I end up getting hurt over and over again.

52) When was the last time you were given roses?
No clue.


53) Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?
Haha! Nope.


54) Is your phone within a meter radius of you?
Nope.

55) Look at your recent calls, who was your last call from?
Stephanie on regular phone. Will on cell phone.

56) What is bothering you right now?

See list of a few days ago! I'd say the most dominant issues on my mind are all the events of next weekend, and then some of those issues will be resolved.

57) Who was the last person to play with your hair?
Will.

58) Miss someone right now?
Why yes, I do. :)


59) Do you currently have any hickeys?
I don't think so.

60) Is there a high chance of you going out to the movies soon?
Not unless somebody else pays!

61) Are you easily scared by horror/thriller films?
Yes, and they sometimes give me nightmares, so I try to avoid them. Every once in a while I watch one with Emily if she says it has some good plot or cinematic devices I will appreciate.


62) If you were given $100, would you spend it, or save it?
Spend it. I owe much more than that to every medical establishment in Bloomington.


63) If there was a large spider in the room, would you stay?
Yes, and knowing me I would try to catch it in a jar to show people.


64) Are you listening to music right now?
Nope. Kind of funny because I had a HUGE music day yesterday.


65) Hows the weather today?
Sunny and HOT.

66) When was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life?
I don't know. It has been hard with my health issues. I'm happy, but they make it so challenging as to be discouraging at times.

67) Could things possibly get any better?
Yes.

68) Have you ever felt replaced?
No, not really.

69) Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
I don't recall. I am not much for dirty looks. I'm more into verbal abuse. I strive to move beyond passive aggressive into just plain aggressive. It's much more honest.


70) What do you do when you have a bad day?
Take tranquilizers, overeat and sleep.


71) Do you dance when getting ready?
I don't dance very much anymore. I should start again.

72) Who will you be with Saturday?
Next Saturday I will be in Lafayette, so my family and I hope Susan and Kim and their families too!

73) How are you today?
Didn't I answer this already? Happy and calm.


74) Is there a meaning behind your profile song?
My profile song has been "deleted by the artist" It WAS Jewel's "Good Day" because that's how I try to feel every day! Maybe I will listen to that CD today.


73) What color is the shirt you're wearing?
Orange. It's not a color I would buy, but it's my T-shirt for volunteering for Ride across Indiana. The back says, "Burn carbohydrates, not hydrocarbons" and I love that!


74) Name someone with the same birthday as you?
I am right in between John Mellencamp and John Lennon, my niece Barbara and Uncle Dick.

75) What is your favorite color?
Blue.

77) What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Nothing, but going to get some water next.

78) What's your favorite smell?
Nice clean and fresh scents. Clean men. Fragrances like fresh linen or "rain" fragrances. There is one I like at Bath and Body Works called "Cotton Blossom." I still wear Love's Baby Soft perfume, even though I am not a teenager.

Happy today for: lots of things. That I worked hard on housework yesterday and felt the luxury of a nap was acceptable.

So far:

Dishes are all caught up - still other maintenance tasks to do.
Spaghetti sauce is made and has been simmering for three or four hours. It is just about to the consistency I like.
Finished "The Virgin Blue." Good book. I recommend it.
Eating pretty healthy. It's about time for a snack. I'm trying to drink water today as I work.
Sheets are in the dryer. I think I ought to go ahead and put on the navy blue ones anyway because I am already bleeding again. They don't show stains.... This could be my last period EVER! Dr. Weiler said about 50% of women who have thermal ablation don't ever have periods again. Wouldn't that be the nicest thing ever?! Then you won't have to read me bitching about it all the time either!

I do want to clean the porch off, but I think weeding and mowing will probably wait until tomorrow. It is too damn hot.

I've been copying some more of my CDs to the computer today too. Then I can turn it on and put it on random and it is like the radio, but no commercials!

Saturday

I totally planned on going to the Farmer's Market, but as I was putting my shoes on I realized I really don't want to go. I am so limited on funds that all I could buy is tomatoes and I realized it is not worth driving downtown for one thing. Easier to get some tomatoes at Kroger or hope some in the garden turn red!

I really feel like staying home and working on the house and reading today, and I have a date tonight. My date is with Will - we went out around two years ago and then just never pursued anything... then he emails me last week and says he wants to go out. It is strange I really totally forgot almost everything about him. He remembers EVERYTHING we talked about. Heather says it's either really flattering, or he journals about everything and looked it up, or he's a freaky stalker who has been obsessing about me for two years. I hope flattering is the correct assumption. Journaling and looking it up is okay too, because that means he had a good time worth writing about and looking up to remember me. All I remember about him is he is dark skinned, maybe bi-racial, I think he is from somewhere Caribbean, I think his mother was or is a Mormon, he's a teacher and was working with Asperger's or autistic children at the time. We have talked on the phone some, but I haven't admitted to him yet what a blank I am drawing. I will have to confess tonight!

I want the house to get really clean today. Here's my list:
Dishes, regular maintenance that is behind.
Polish copper bottom pans.
Cut out new fabric for Miko's dress (I need to redo the neckline, sigh...)
Trash to dump.
Wash my sheets.
Do kitchen and living room floor.
Finish reading "The Virgin Blue"
work in garage at least half an hour
Make spaghetti sauce.
Eat healthy homemade food!
Make front porch look pretty!
Weed another patch of garden.
Mow backyard.

Pretty ambitious, even without going to the Farmer's Market and thrift store rounds today. Especially considering I want to be done in time to some girly stuff and feel clean and pretty for going out tonight.

I don't know what we're going to do. We decided to decide tonight. I just looked at the paper and there is one band playing that is R & B and soul and there is salsa dance, including a lesson at one place. I have gone to salsa before and really enjoyed it. I ended up sucking at it myself, but LOVED watching the other dancers who are good. I know Will likes music and sings and plays the guitar, but I don't know his feelings on dancing... I guess we'll see!

Happy today for: Polish for my copper bottomed pans. I have only three that I claimed from Mom and Dad's house, but I keep them hanging out and love it when they are all shiny and pink coppery beautiful!

Nothing to say...

So can I blog about having nothing to blog about?

I worked. I came home. I talked on the phone. Michael cooked some dinner. I cooked another part. We drove to Greenfield. We ate ice cream on the way. I dropped Michael off. I came home. I talked on the phone some more. I blogged in my other secret blog. ;) I came here. the TV is on. I am tired. I will go to bed soon.

Happy today for: Dairy Queen!

I am not depressed.

I have more symptoms of an ANXIETY DISORDER. Gee. Me? Whoda thunk? Just because I have to take tranquilizers to go to Wal-mart because I get so creeped out by touching the stuff that other people have touched? Because I told her the reason I used my own pen to fill out the insurance forms was because I didn't want to touch hers? Sheesh! Some people just jump to conclusions, don't they? The problem with sleeping because the mind is racing? Anxiety. So anyway... She says to cut out caffeine completely. I have been pretty good since the beginning of the year, that I don't have it at home, but I do still have it when I go out and occasionally at work. I also take the Excedrin... She said to do it extremely gradually to avoid the headaches. She also said I already have good drugs and that I don't use them too often. I was worried because I need to drug to sleep three or four nights a week and I sometimes take the light one during the day if I know I am really stressed. I have always worried that is too often. She is more like - no it's people who take them EVERY night and three and four times a DAY who become addicted.

I am going to see her again in about a week and a half. In the meantime I will work on caffeine reduction and I think I am going to think about the things that are stressing me out. A lot of them are things that will end eventually or that I already have a plan for: Mom and Dad will be moved, Roman will get here whether I am ready or not, I will have my surgery and it will be over and my health should be better, the class reunion will be over...

Oh and remember how I told Cory about the money? He got his ass in gear and it was approved by the publisher today. There will be a separate rate for Sheriff's Sales and all the other rates will increase across the board. It took FOUR business days once I kicked him the head with it! They go up August 1. YAY ME. This better be good for a long-term raise or at least a bonus, and employee of the month!

Happy today for: free counseling services from my company!

Inside the mind of Jack Black.

Michael and I finished watching "Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny" tonight. There is a scene where they are in the Rock and Roll History Museum trying to steal the Pick of Destiny. Jack weaves his way through the criss cross lasers (NOT by doing back handsprings like the women in "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"), but he still can't reach the pick. There is a big red button to turn off the lasers and I just KNEW how he was going to do it. Let me just say that when I thought Michael said "Dick of Destiny " tonight instead of "Pick" it kind of came true. Is it scary as hell that my mind is in the same mode as Jack Black's? Or is it okay because I actually think he is an amazingly talented genius? I give the movie an A for genius if you are okay with drug references, heavy metal, Satan, fart jokes, F bombs and yeah, the button pushing gag! Mormon relatives - you probably want to avoid. It also has cameos or small parts by some of my favorite actors; Ben Stiller, John C. Reilly, Tim Robbins... I think even more.

Happy today for: Getting my desk all cleaned up, all the loose papers filed and the calm and organized feeling it gives me.

Amazing.

I hadn't gone to a movie since last fall when I saw "Stardust." This summer I have seen FOUR, which is really strange for me. We saw "Kung Fu Panda" and "Indiana Jones" at the drive-in. Then Saturday I took myself to "The Dark Knight." Tonight I saw "Journey to the Center of the Earth" with Loni. Mo more. I am much too poor to do that! :( It was fun though, while it lasted.

I have had a headache all day. I can't take any aspirin stuff until after my surgery so no Excedrin! So I took the narcotics kind of pain pill, which I usually try to take only at bedtime. I swear it didn't help the pain at all and it didn't make me dopey enough to not care either. If I wake up with a headache still in the morning I am going to go get a frozen Coke for breakfast - back to the frozen Coke cure! I am definitely drugging for bed tonight. Even though I love hot weather I think mowing last night and the pressure changes from the "pop up" storms have put my head over the edge. I guess I also went to see a loud action movie, but hey! Ya gotta live, right?

Happy today for: Brendan Fraser. Yum. Also I was sent a document on a corrupted file (from the Indiana Department of Transportation, no less) and my secret crush had to come and fix things up for me. Sweet.

Flashbacks

I had a flashback to my marriage today while I was mowing the lawn. I was thinking of the tasks I want to have Michael do tomorrow and I imagined him tell me that he didn't want to. (He didn't - he agreed to do them because he is so nice - now if he'll remember....) When I was married we had a big area rug in the living room. It was an oriental style rug, but the main color was navy blue. The blue part showed every bit of fuzz and lint and dust horribly. We didn't have a vacuum cleaner, just this little bitty hand vac and I would crawl around on my hands and knees every day or two to try to keep it not so nasty. One time I was trying to get ready for company or something and asked Ed to do that task so I could do the food. He refused to do it. When I asked why he replied, "It's degrading." So he was willing to watch me do this "degrading" task constantly, but he was too good to do it. And he claimed he loved me all the time... Asshole.

I think my experience with marriage is one reason one of my favorite songs is "More than words"

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Ed told me constantly how much he loved me, but treated me like crap. I strive for so much more in my own choices. I try to treat people I love, ( and even some whom I don't) with respect and care. Even when my children were little I respected them as people. I still love and admire the people they are! They don't always make choices that I agree with, but that's life. Even when Emily has made a couple of big choices that I don't understand I have tried to honor her and support her because I love her!

I hope that I can be that way in my life. That love is not just a word you say, it is the things you do, the attitude you have, and respect and honor.

Happy today for: Money orders at the evil Empire. The fee is one tenth what it is at the bank. I have one bill that won't accept checks and $3.50 at the bank for a money order is a lot to pay a bill!

Good news/ Bad news

I just got an email from Roma that he will come earlier than we expected. Originally he didn't leave Ukraine until Aug 21. I was worried about him missing the first couple weeks of school, but happy to use the time to get ready.

Now he is coming August 12 - 13, which is great for the school thing. I just scheduled my surgery for the 14th! He can just be nice to me while I am recovering. I will have three people to take care of me instead of two, although I had planned on making it mainly Emily. Emily will still be here, but she can just share my room. I just told him when he gets here I will put him to work getting ready for himself!

Actually, I took a weeks vacation the week previous so we will probably be fine. I will just be more stressed. Oh yay. At least Emily and Michael will be here to help me move furniture and stuff. I guess I will forget painting the room and he can have purple for now. He said his favorite color is green, but I already have a green LR and green hallway, so I had decided to do the room in brown and get him a green comforter and stuff. We can just do it later while he is here, probably. The more the merrier. Then we might be able to get new bedroom stuff on clearance. They get in lots of extra because of the college kids, and then clearance it when it's done.

Confused? Me too.

Community.

Yesterday was one of my solitary days. At the end of the day I realized I had only spoken to the herb man at the market and my cute waiter at dinner. In a way I was ready for some solitude after Friday night, but it also made me kind of sad...

Today I got out of bed and decided to go to church (UU). When I walked up right away I saw Loni and Syndee talking. Syndee was all excited to see me because she had a party invitation for me. Keep in mind I haven't been to church on a Sunday for like two years. Then Loni and her children sat with me and she introduced me to more people. Loni even invited Michael and me to come sleep at her house if we need to because it is so miserable with no AC right now. I left feeling really good and realized that I do have a community here who supports me. It is largely the community of women I have met through Women Inspire and my connections there. Some of them I knew before I joined the group - like Syndee. I love her. She's the ultimate hippie. Her party is for women to have a sister Share circle and celebrate life with singing bowls... eat vegan food and have a trade of homemade or repurposed items to show our love for one another. I can't wait.

I have on my uberlist to attend church twice this year, and one should be a Sunday. I think even though I have already fulfilled it, I will try some more. I can meet more people and expand my community. UU here is a hippie church, but also a group of very well educated, artsy and musical people and I love it. A member spoke today instead of the reverend and he spoke on his experiences with meditation and as he spoke he related his experiences as to how they could relate to religions, agnostics and atheists. He is a physicist and talked about science in relation to meditation and was even explaining it somehow with particle wave theories and brain science and it was intellectual, yet related to spirituality and thought at the same time. SO interesting. The music was viola duets by Dvorak, piano piece by Debussy and three simple and lovely hymns with lyrics about becoming spiritual through nature. http://wwwuubloomington.org


I went after church and bought another kind of flea spray to try. I am both laughing and crying inside that we are trying to eat more organic and less processed foods, but I swear if we walk barefoot on this carpet we will absorb a gazillion parts per million of insecticides though our skin! I have to get rid of the damn things, though. I am itching like crazy and becoming addicted to Benadryl cream and pills and have put so much hydrocrtisone cream on I will probably start having side effects soon.

Happy today for the above (not the flea/ insecticide part) and for FANS. It would be unbearable without them right now.

Bored and hot.

Last night was so-so fun. We went to Player's Pub first, but it was too crowded and not enough servers and blah, blah, blah. So we left and went to Office Lounge for karaoke. It wasn't busy so I got to sing a few times and had fun. I wish we would have just gone there in the first place. Debbie had said she wanted to go to Player's Pub and I told her there's always a cover charge and she said fine...but then when we got there bitched about it. She brought two women from her office and we have actually all gone out together before, but last night I was not happy to be with them. I was a bitch, I think, to put in mildly. I thought one looked really trashy in her appearance and then the other woman sat in the dining room and brushed her hair at the table while people all around us were being served food. I wanted to puke. If I hadn't already eaten my appetizer I had ordered I wouldn't have been able to eat another bite.

Today was the usual, Farmer's Market, house stuff, reading, nap, dump. It is so hot. I'd like to mow, but I think I would get heat stroke. I may go out to a movie just to sit in some AC. I can't really afford it after last night, but with no AC and DAMN FLEAS in here, all I want to do is lie in front of a fan and read. I have all kinds of good food, but it's too hot to cook. I already had a sandwich for lunch so I don't want another sandwich. Maybe I will just eat more raw tomatoes! There is a ripe cucumber in the garden, but I want to save it until tomorrow so Michael can have the honor of picking the first one!

Happy today for the lovely man who sells herbs at the market. I bought a rosemary plant from him today and he was very encouraging to me and told how to try not to kill it.

Two more things!

Remember how I said yesterday was the hottest day of the year? Well it hatched a new bunch of fleas. I have sprayed several times, fogged, done carpet powder and washed all the bedding and dried it in a hot dryer several times. But today every time I look down there are fleas on my legs. I cannot take it much longer. It is driving me insane. I swear once this cat is gone I will NEVER have another mammal that is not human in the house. MAYBE after I move out west if I am in a place where the elevation means no fleas, nut NEVER, NEVER here again. It makes me feel like I am a disgusting person and unclean that my home is infested with these disgusting, disease bearing creatures. I am SO stressed that they will still be here when Roma comes. I hope they have fleas in Ukraine so he understands.

Today Ad Director Cory was over in my area. I called him over and he joked that he had to hide his ten dollar bill first because I always ask for money (it's true. I always ask for money or steak dinners) . I was working on a BIG notice. I said, "you're right. It is about money." I showed him the notice and said, "this is over twelve hundred dollars, if you take my advice and raise the line rate twenty five cents it would be sixteen hundred. That is a significant difference." He agreed that it would be. I asked if he remembered in my report where I recommended that we raise the rate for sheriff's sales and he said he had. So I asked why we hadn't done anything about it. He said, "Didn't we just raise the legals rate significantly last year?" "Nope I said, I think it has been the same since 2005." I explained again my reasons for wanting to make a special rate for Sheriff's sales. He actually seemed to listen, asked for a pad of paper and made notes to himself! So then I said, "Cory, I've been doing this job for a year now. It's time to give me a raise. If you take my advice and listen to the recommendations I make more carefully, the increase in revenue will more than pay for it!" So wasn't I Ms. Assertive today?! I am glad I had a big, expensive report in front of me to use for an example. Actually very few of them are that much money, but if every thousand dollars in revenue of Notice of Sheriff's Sales were one thousand two hundred fifty it would make a HUGE difference. After he left I found my rate sheet that had the revision date on it and it WAS 2005, so I emailed him and told him that was correct. All the other rates go up 3 - 5% each year, so there is no reason rates for public notices shouldn't also be raised!

The end. Now I am going to put on a clean shirt and go to Player's Pub to hear blues.

Wow.

About 12:30 I started feeling wonky and thought my sugar was probably low... I checked and it was 69! That is the lowest I have ever tested. I was in a sweat and my hands were shaking so badly I could hardly get the blood to the strip! I slammed down two rolls of Smarties right away and got out money to go to the vending machines....I hadn't taken any lunch today, thinking I would have somebody pick something up for me. I could hardly get the quarters in the slot but I ate a nasty vending machine sandwich and some chips...(Yum chips!). I guess it really is time for me to get more confidence about dropping one of the morning pills.

Happy today for: Caller ID. I LOVE not answering the phone when I don't want to talk, both at work and at home.

Reports:

I had the ultrasound and the fibroids are not huge. They are bigger than the last time I had an US, but not the seven pounds of extra stuff in me like I had 10 years ago. So I am going to have the thermal ablation procedure and see if it helps the bleeding. I asked to have it scheduled right away because I would like to get it done before Roma gets here. I am also going to have a tubal ligation at the same time. That way you only have to pay for anesthesia one time. I definitely know I NEVER want any more babies, even if I would get married, so I might as well do it.

I had a pedicure AND a manicure all in one day. Renee is finishing up in nail tech school and has to do a certain amount before she can take her exam. So it was CHEAP and relaxing. So I have done two self-care things in the last two weeks with my Reiki session and this. YAY ME. And next week I have the appt. with the shrink so it will be three weeks in a row.

I have to bake a cheesecake tonight on the hottest day of the year so far in my non- air conditioned house. I am still waiting a little bit before I start so it can cool down a little more. I know I will be up all night, but I keep not sleeping anyway so I might as well be fulfilling a commitment, right?

Happy today for: Easily finding a good cake box with no tears in it at Michael's Craft Store. That is more of a challenge than it should be.

Depressed?

I started wondering today if I might possibly be clinically depressed. I have had a couple of bouts with it over the years. I have always been what my therapists called "functional" meaning I didn't enjoy life as much , but continued to work, parent and all that. Lately my compulsion to sleep too much and not exercise at all has me worried.

I made a list of events or situations that may be contributing:
Michael gone for extended period
health issues (diabetes & fibroids)
Mom & Dad moving
Financial problems
Sleep disorders
Hunting for new job
Exchange student coming
Fleas
Emily coming
Sexual/ relationship issues
Class reunion
Friend problems (Deanna)


I can get four sessions free through a program at work so I decided to call and make an appt just for an evaluation to see. It could be as Michael gets home and kitty is gone and I know what my health plan is for the fibroids etc... that it will gradually get better. If it seems like I need meds to cope I will do it. I hate to put any other meds in me, but better to do that than not be able to get out of bed. Today I went to work, worked about an hour and half, came home and slept for three hours, then went back and finished the afternoon. That's not good work habits, I'd say...

I hate it when this side of me comes out. I really like being happier and I still enjoy my life. I went to a party tonight and it was a blast and I had a great time. It was a "Pure Romance" home party - they sell sex toys and lotions and things! I became very educated in a short time. i said I ought to host a party and invite my friends from church. I bet they won't be burnt out on that like they are on Pampered Chef! !!! Some of them probably need it too!

Happy today for: being invited to fun party and also unexpectedly meeting some friends there!

Past bedtime

but I did some actual WRITING again tonight and so it's okay! ALso, I came home from work and took a nap. Oops. So I have accomplished nothing physical or organizational. I am happy for the writing, though. Nothing I am going to share here. So there.

Happy today for: some feedback I received on some other writing. My friend told me she thought it was good and interesting enough that it is something she could see in Oprah's magazine. Maybe someday I will share it here when it is edited and re-written better. It kind of scare me to put something really well done on the web, however. I am suspicious of thieves.

Chillaxin'

With Stephanie, who drove all the way from South Carolina for an emergency hearing for her divorce and when she was about 30 miles from town her lawyer called and told her it has been cancelled! So she is staying all night and then driving back tomorrow. Sheesh! We had Chinese takeout for dinner and that was a treat. We have been sitting on the front porch talking and enjoying refreshing beverages while Jack drives us crazy. He's getting ready for bed now and things should calm down a little.

Happy tonight for fireflies!

Uberlist update

I will probably try to make some comments later.

HEALTH/FITNESS
1) Participate in intentional physical activity at least three times each week. - Log this more carefully in calendar the way I used to.
Well this kind of fell by the wayside during the first quarter with my illnesses. It is starting to pick up again as I have recovered and the weather is improving.
2) Drink at least three glasses of water daily. Very, very good at this. I think the illness IMPROVED this.
3) Eat at least three servings of vegetables daily
Good at this. My tomato cravings help. I need to be sure to include a variety and I am even thinking of upping my goal informally to five per day. It should also be facilitated by Michael’s switch to vegetarianism as I strive to keep a variety on hand for his consumption.
4) Lose 20 pounds - Time limit this year - by August 1. Working on it, with my mini goals. I won’t make it by August 1. I have lost about ten total, I think.
5) No soda at home. Pretty good at this. I survived on ginger ale while ill, but that doesn’t count. There hasn’t been a case of Diet Pepsi in the house all year!
6) Use lotion more regularly. Pretty good. I have been keeping a bottle of lotion on my desk, on my sink, and also using actual facial products on my face. Nikki is encouraging me in this. Wendy Davis gave me some of her expensive eye cream so I am using up all the samples of stuff so I can use the fancy stuff and feel pampered!
7) Stretch at my desk at least twice daily. I have been forgetting this lately. I need to start again, because I really think it short circuits the headaches a bit.
8) Use my dumbbells or stretch when I watch television or movies - at least twenty reps. Been terrible. But then I haven’t really been watching that much TV or movies, well maybe I have, but Michael and I have been watching the movies in installments while we eat.
9) Test my fasting sugar at least three times per week and LOG IT! I am getting good at this again. I am amazed that my fasting sugars are usually under 100! Whoopee.

10) Read one motivational health-related book. Not yet. I picked up a copy of a second Bob Greene book last week. I really liked “Make the Connection” and have read it twice. I will probably read this one next after I finish my current fiction book.
11) Wear the foot gel footies at least twice a week. I tried, but found that they made my feet cold during the winter. I will try again as it warms up. Hmm… I forgot about this. I need to find them!
12) Log my foods at least twice a month on Fit Day or in journal. I have done some. Will continue again.
13) See Dr. Weiler and get a Pap smear and stuff. DONE! Plus I have an ultrasound next week to see if I need to have a procedure done for my fibroids and I am going to get some kind of permanent birth control.

14) Get a massage. I have a Reiki session tomorrow. Does that count? I don’t know exactly what it is, so we will see.
15) Get a pedicure. YES!
16) Get a manicure. Going to do within the next two weeks before Renee finishes Nail Tech school.
17) Participate in the wellness programs through work insurance. Yes!

HOME IMPROVEMENT/ ORGANIZATION
18) Reorganize the shelf above the washer so it is easier to get to the medicine box.
19) Prune the mulberry tree
20) Get rid of one stump in yard
21) Get rid of twenty books I will never read again. Oh yeah, and more going soon.
22) Get a window covering for kitchen window or design something artistic for the space. Paper idea down the drain, next idea in the works.
23) Clean out the coat closet. Not yet.
24) Mount spoon “handles” on cabinets. Not yet.
25) Clean out the car extremely well at least once. Not yet.
26) Clean the carpet in purple room. Not yet. I want to do this before Roma comes. It is nasty.
27) Clean the carpet in my room. Not yet.
28) Clean my bedroom closet. Not yet.
29) Add more topsoil to the garden. DONE.
30) Label garage shelves and organize. Getting there!
31) Get the garage door opener repaired or replaced. Not yet.
32) Research how to grow a grape arbor.
33) Start grapevines if financially able.
34) Replace my bathroom flooring. Have measured!
35) Get a new sink in my bathroom.
36) Get the gutters cleaned out. DONE. Michael did it!
37) Dig out the concrete in the side yard. Had Michael start and he gave up. It will be a slow process.
38) Make a stepping stone path to the backyard
39) Paint the front door
40) Touch up wall paint in living room or repaint. I found the leftover paint while I was cleaning out the garage!
41) Get the oil changed in the car by January 31, then every 6000 miles. Time to do it again! I did it again. I rock.
42) Clean out jewelry box, get rid of unused items. Have worked on it. Next goal is to get Lukens family jewelry to Chelsea if she wants it. Emily does not and Chelsea is next in line.
43) Organize craft supplies - get rid of excess. Am working on this as organizing closet. Realized I have three boxes of crayons and markers. I need to Freecycle some.
44) Get an earring hanger. I want something really cool. I found the kind I want – pottery by Barb Lund, but they cost $28. Maybe at Fourth Street Festival I will feel rich.
45) Get an estimate on the foundation repair. DONE! Guy says no repair is needed!
46) Sort out the unopened mail until the baskets are completely EMPTY. Have an idea to do 10 items per week and bring to work and shred. By end of year, the baskets should be empty. A lot of it is moot mail, now that the old medical bills have been paid. I have done a TON of this. They are not completely empty, but well on the way.
47) File all the stuff in the tubs under the bed
48) Get pocket protectors for Michael's awards and certificates

CRAFTS/ INTELLECTUAL PURSUITS/ ARTISTIC
49) Read at least thirty-five books About 10 complete, I think.
50) Three of those should be books from Emily’s list of “Must reads” I think I want to read “Great Expectations” next.(Use Stephen King's list in "On Writing" if I can't find Emily's.)
51) Three of those should be non-fiction or “educational” I finally finished “ A Reasonable Life” yesterday, plus Anne Kreilkamp’s Book, “This Vast Being.”
52) Finish the series of Management in the Life Sciences Industry through IU continuing studies. DONE!
53) Finish the first draft of “The Stone Cold Heart”
54) Write a letter to Todd to see if he wants Holt Family notebooks.
55) Knit at least ten hats (or other items) to give away. Umm I think a few so far.
56) Get a new pennywhistle
57) Watch two movies off the “must see” list.
58) Go to a concert, even if I have to pay for tickets
59) Buy a new CD. I think I bought that Jewel CD this year. I bought the Aerosmith CD last week. And a Mary Chapin Carpenter CD at Goodwill!
60) Sew something nice for someone. I bought some patterns! I had Miko pick out fabric and am working on her dress. I messed up the neckline and think I need to pick it out and try again.
61) Make a bag or purse. I bought a pattern!
62) Visit at least one Frank Lloyd Wright building and tour it (Taliesin or in Chicago)
63) Attend at least one play at BPP or IU Theatre
64) Make another valiant attempt to learn to crochet.
Try a personalized lesson, maybe.
65) Attend one IU Auditorium Show
66) Attend at least one of the "One Book" Discussion groups or try another book club
67) Figure out how to use the old sewing machine or get a new sewing machine. I bought a new sewing machine!
68) Start saving for a digital camera to start cataloging craft and sewing projects for website.

SOCIAL/ RECREATION/ SERVICE
69) Write five letters. I wrote cards, does that count?
70) Go on a trip all by myself for at least two days. I really need to do this soon. Maybe around my birthday, but then things will be more complicated with an extra teenager around.
71) Pay Women Inspire dues when due. They are due now and I need to use money to apply for Michael’s passport. Sigh.
72) Serve on committees for Music Fest and Fund raiser. I didn’t serve on committee for Music Fest, it coming after being too burned out from being sick, I had to change my priorities, BUT I volunteered the evening of the event as was able.
73) See two online friends in real life. Hoping to see Erin this year. I don’t know who else. Well I have had dates with men I met online, but I don’t think that counts. I would rather meet up with long-time friends from the Fringe or someone like that.
74) Meet parents of at least one of Michael's friends. Have met Nathaniel’s mom. She seems reasonably nice. I’d like to tell her that I don’t think hygiene is optional for teenage boys, but it’s not really my business, I guess.
75) Take a girl trip with somebody somewhere. When Scott goes to Japan, maybe Gill and I can do this.
76) Take a trip to Jungle Jim's
77) Volunteer at two more orchestra events. Have I done this? I have to think. Well, I got dates set up for car washes so we can start raising money for FRANCE! And I will also bake stuff if we bake sale at the same time, so I will definitely be doing TONS of orchestra fundraising this year.
78) Write Joyce Scott a letter
79) Take a special trip for spring break. Nope. We were too poor. Emily came and we did lots of home stuff and hung out. I took a few days off work and we did drive her back to Lafayette and went to lunch at Arni’s, but that’s all we could swing.
80) Go swimming at least three times
81) Go camping – I am taking a week vacation in August. I hope we can afford to camp.
82) Go canoeing
83) Fly a kite. I bought new kites, but haven’t had too much success in actual flight time this year.
84) Go to the zoo
85) Make sure to talk to Mom and Dad at least once a month. Not so good at this. I am a BAD DAUGHTER. Sometimes I wish I had the kind of relationship with them that Heather has, but then it seems so hard to make the effort. I made sure to call them each on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and also for Mom’s birthday. We have also talked more as they get ready to move out of the house.
86) Send Christmas cards or a letter for 2007. I eventually sent cards/ postcards to almost everybody, by about the end of March.
87) Send Christmas cards or letter for 2008 actually before the end of the year!
88) See as many fireworks as possible. I watched fireworks on the fourth and just learned that the Speedway is having fireworks this weekend. It’s the same night as my Reiki session so I am not sure if I will get to. I definitely want to go to an Indians game while Roma is here so we will make it a fireworks Friday.
89) Try two new venues for karaoke. We went to one last weekend with Hannah and it was the same old Darrell and Tammy, but at a new place and we had a good time!
90) Re-dedicate to Community Kitchen for Thanksgiving this year
91) Volunteer at one "one-time" event such as a run, etc... I volunteered at Taste of Bloomington for the Solar Bike team and also will volunteer at a water station for a bike ride this Saturday.
92) Go to Mom and Dad's and work on house at least four times.

PARENTING
93) Cook with Michael more often. This may happen naturally as we try to accommodate vegetarianism with new main dishes.
94) Write Emily a real letter while she is at school.
95) Enforce Michael and the "recycling box" process. It’s going fairly well.
96) Support Michael in his efforts to train for solar bike by supplying equipment as able. Have supported by supplying equipment and also volunteering as able.

FINANCIAL/ PROFESSIONAL
97) Complete my taxes by February 15th. Done.
98) Pay all medical bills that are in collection. Yep. Done.Of course, a new round has started.
99) Pay back Debbie Shipley completely. DONE.
100) Pay Dewey at least a little each month. Paid $100. last month.
101) Keep checkbook balanced. Good. It’s out of whack right now and driving me crazy. I HATE not knowing exactly what is there.
102) Present three new revenue producing or creative ideas at work. Big report was full of ideas. I am happy with it. If I stay here I will continue to search for ideas, not only for my area, but advertising altogether. One idea that I first proposed 3-4 years ago has finally come to fruition this year, but I think it took so long that nobody remember when I first proposed it, even though I still have my original proposal as a Word doc.

FOOD/COOKING
103) Make fondue again
104) Go to the Farmer’s Market at least three times – Already done for this year. I will continue to go a lot through the summer I am sure. I have become an addict. In fact I am sad that I am volunteering for the bike ride this Saturday and will have to miss the Market!
105) Make ice cream
106) Try two new vegetarian main dish recipes. Well, this is sure going to happen.

MISC/ PERSONAL
107) Get two rolls of film developed. I just finished a roll that I want to get done soon. I always feel so poor.
108) Attend UU at least two more times - one should be a Sunday!

So -

Date with nameless, handsome, intelligent widower with a gaggle of children (okay, I'll say it - FOUR children) went well. Good food, good conversation, good fun. I think we will go out again. We'd better go out again. This one might hurt if we don't.

I am having a semi-lazy day today. I watched "The Road to Perdition" and enjoyed it. I am in the mood for another dramatic movie, too, but I really want to finish that damn book today (Love in the Time of Cholera). I can't believe how long it is taking me! I am definitely up for some lighter reading next.

I have also worked on the house off and on - you know my method! I've done all the laundry, just need to get the last load out of the dryer. I've flea powdered and then vacuumed the carpet in the purple room and Michael's room. I've eaten two homemade, fairly whole food meals. I started picking out the neck on Miko's dress so I can try again. I am still in my jammies! Lazy me. I need to put some clothes on and go outside for a walk. IT is absolutely gorgeous! I ought to at least be reading outside and enjoying how beautiful my yard and garden look.

I don't know why I am hibernating in the house, but it seems really hard to go outside for some reason. I think I am enjoying my solitude today and I don't want anyone to see me. I promise I have talked to someone today. Heather called me and I called Debbie (Debbie here, not Debbie in internet world) TWICE. I am also pretty sure nice new man will call me after the baseball games are over tonight, but maybe not until children are in bed. We would have been together today, as was the plan, but because the ballgames were rained out yesterday it had to switch to last night and it just wasn't long enough! Pout!

Happy today for: that I can have solitude when I choose. I miss Michael terribly and I am bummed that he has to go to his dad's when he doesn't want to, BUT I really treasure my time alone.

Blogging quickly!

tired. Volunteered for the bike ride today and it was hard work and I was on my feet most of the time. Even in my goodformyfeet shoes my feet are still sore and tired! I took a shower and a nap when I got home. Now I am getting ready to go out with...(nameless handsome intelligent widower with a gaggle of children).

Happy today for: expectant date PLUS working really hard and knowing it helped a lot of riders today AND that the sponsors will make a big donation toward our Japan trip next year.
Oh. and a LOT of hot guys in spandex shorts!

Just got home!

I went to Michelle's house and had a "Reiki" session after work. It was a trade for proofreading a brochure for her business (Smile Promotions) and finding some errors. I am not sure about the Reiki thing. It is kind of God-based, and religious... I decided if anything it would be nice and relaxing and it was. I kept falling asleep, but we know it's not rare for me to fall asleep after work!

Tomorrow I have to get up early and drive to Indy to volunteer at a water station for a bike ride, and then the sponsors of the ride make a donation to our bike team, so yes, another fund raiser! I will be doing a lot of that fort both orchestra and bike team this year! And oh, Science Olympiad... sheesh!

Happy today for making better friends with Michelle. Oh and we watched a good movie too - Dan In Real Life - let's see... about a intelligent, handsome widower with a gaggle of children who meets a beautiful, intelligent rather bookish woman and is instantly attracted to her... gee I hope (nameless intelligent , handsome widower with a gaggle of children) calls back. Caller ID said he called at 5:51 pm.

Irrational fears.

I love to mow the yard. I am always afraid, however, that I will run over a hornet's nest in the ground, they will swarm me and sting me to death. I'm not kidding. I am really afraid of that EVERY TIME I mow.

I am not really afraid of spiders. We have big ones that come in our house, a hazard of living next to the woods. Last week Michael told me a story about someone being afraid and screaming about a HUGE spider! I think it was on the canoe trip. I asked him how big it was and he said about the size of a quarter and we both laughed. So my happy today is kind of funny.

Happy today for: there is this one kind of spider that many of them live in our grass. I like that when I mow I can see them running from the mower when they have their white egg sacs on their back? thorax? abdomen? Whatever. They are a different kind than the one in the picture. They don't get nearly as big, but I like how many there are and that they are easy to see when they have their eggs.

And the big ones like the one in the picture... Yeah, before they grow up and decide they want to live in the house they live under the Creeping Charlie in the garden. When I am weeding I often make their acquaintance. Even though I am not really afraid of them I AM afraid that someday one will run up the leg of my shorts when I am sitting on the ground weeding.

Report

I have done everything on the list except the laundry is still in the dryer and I still have to pick up 10 things in my room. I am not a leave the laundry in the dryer person, though so that is not a problem and I usually wait until right before bed to work on my room. I try to do the 10 things every night, usually and that keeps it from getting cluttered, but I have skipped a few nights with my bad sleeping patterns. Also I have a couple of piles of papers and I count working on those as some of the items so it gets those taken care of.

I also did some additional weeding in the garden as well as putting down an entire bag of mulch. I worked pretty hard out there with very visible results. I have to admit my walk was only down to the mailbox and back, but it was SOMETHING. which is better than NOTHING!

It is after the end of the third quarter and I need to do an uberlist update. If I am caught up at work tomorrow I might work on it.

Happy today for: working with mostly happy people. It makes work so much nicer. The job itself can be so tedious and boring, but being with fun people really helps!

No Nap!

I have to stop sleeping after work so I am making a list of things I need to do tonight NOW so I will be motivated!

Trash to dump
Change license plate on car
Read 20 more pages of Love in the Time of Cholera
Do a load of laundry - start to finish!
Make bed in purple room.
Eat a nutritious dinner.
Mulch the part of the garden that I weeded on Monday.
Ride bike or walk.
Pick up 10 things in my room.

I will return and report. Trash first, dump closes at 6:00!

Binge!

I have really quit binge eating for the most part - hardly ever tempted, even. I just ate a truckload of peanut butter cups. I'll probably have to puke later.

I WAS good and made homemade food for dinner. It is so easy to just eat out when all alone. Sigh. I miss Hippie Boy for HIM, but I also miss how it makes me have a routine to life. It's too easy to come home and just sleep and think it doesn't matter what I do.

A friend called me at 7am this morning and I probably would have kept on sleeping and been late for work if it weren't for that phone call. I had stayed up until 2 or 3:00 last night because I took such a long nap after work! Now I did it again, but not quite as badly.

I vow tonight to:
make the pesto
clean the kitchen afterward
pick up 10 things in my room.
Read 20 more pages in Love in the Time of cholera
Be getting ready for bed by 11:00.

So there:

Happy today for: that 7am phone call! ;)

Oh and I forgot

Worst date ever? had to bring up Nietzsche in the conversation - That instantly signals pompous ass in my book.

Happy today for: living in the computer age. We had a web conference today and instead of oohing and aahing at the new product I was sitting feeling amazed at how technology has changed in my lifetime.

Meme from Ann

Simple meme of 50 questions and answers. Here we go.
1. What do you add to your coffee? Lots of Creamer and some kind of flavoring, chocolate syrup or Hazelnut. At work I often mix coffee with a packet of hot chocolate mix.
2. What are you reading now? Love in the Time of Cholera. I think it is taking too long to read.
3. Do you own a gun? No
4. Are you registered to vote? Yes
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? No
6. What do you think of hot dogs? I like them. I like Oscar Mayer light wieners. Every time I eat them one of my children has to remind me that I am eating fetal pigs, and I reply, “Yummy fetal pigs, spiced just right!
7. Favorite Christmas Song? Probably “The Christmas Song.”
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Chocolate milk.
9. Can you do push ups? No
10. What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Michael
11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? I always wear earrings.
12. Favorite hobby? Making all kinds of stuff.
13. Do you work with people who idolize you? I’d like to think so!
14. Do you have ADD? No.
15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? I have too much “black and white” thinking. 16. What’s your Middle name? Elaine
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. I wish I were home in bed. I hope John calls tonight or really comes down. I wish it were late enough for me to leave for lunch.
18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. The only things I bought was when I ate out so ribs, fries, salad.
19. Name 3 beverages you regularly drink. Water, Diet Pepsi, Orange juice.
20. Current worry right now? Money.
21. What side do you dress to? I don’t have proper equipment to answer this question.
22. Favorite place to be? in bed (with someone else with me would be nice!)
23. How did you bring in the New Year? I can’t remember for the life of me.
24. Where would you like to go? Greenwood or Franklin, short term. Many, many places long term – Santa Fe.
25. Name three people who will complete this. Not a clue.
26. Whose answers do you want to read the most? Hmmm… I wouldn’t mind seeing Deb’s, but I know she won’t do it.
27. What color shirt are you wearing? Bright pink.
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No.
29. Can you whistle? Yes, both tunes and that loud whistle with my fingers.
30. Favorite colors(s)? Blue, purple & green.
31. Could you be a pirate? No.
32. What songs do you sing in the shower? Amazingly, I do not sing in the shower.
33. Favorite girls name? Emily.
34. Favorite boy’s name? Michael
35. What’s in your pocket right now? Nothing
36. Last thing that made you laugh? Emily on the phone.
37. Best bed sheets as a child? I never had anything fancy.
38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? Shattered left elbow. It hurt just yesterday.
39. Do you love where you live? I love my house. I wish I could transplant it to Santa Fe.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? Two.
41. Who is your loudest friend? Hmmm… Heather talks loudly on the phone. Stephanie argues loudly with her husband.
42. How many dogs do you have? None.
43. Does anyone have a crush on you? I think so.
44. What are the most fun things you ever did? Sex and rollercoasters.
45. What are your favorite books? The Grapes of Wrath, The Rapture of Canaan.
46. What is your favorite candy? Chocolate!
47. Favorite Team? I like to watch Indians baseball games, but I don’t follow it.
48. What songs do you want played at your funeral? No Rain, Good Riddance, Beautiful, Send Me on My Way.
49. What were you doing at 12 AM? I was actually asleep last night!
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Oh shit. I have to go back to work.

Worst. Date. Ever.

I couldn't wait to get away from this guy. He is involved in the local political scene and even one on one that was all he talked about. An hour and a half of hearing how evil some of the campaigns are, but he can't REALLY tell me any details because then he would never get hired to work a campaign again, blah. blah. Not even deserving of a third blah! I finally couldn't take it and just said, "You know, I think I need to take off. Email me again if you get a chance." and I was out of there. What a waste of my afternoon.

Food is strange lately. Hardly anything sounds good. I finally decided I could eat out today because I couldn't even think of what I would eat if I came home. I went and ate ribs and salad and fries, which I hardly ever eat fries anymore. Everything made me sick as a dog. It tasted great while I was eating, but I still feel kind of ill. I just ate some tomatoes and feel a little better. Maybe my body is telling me I need more raw food and more nutrients. I still haven't made the pesto. Tomorrow I vow to make the pesto and eat only homemade food all day. I can't promise raw or vegetarian, but as whole as possible.

I think I need more water, too. I am really bad at drinking enough water on weekends. At work it is so easy; two glasses before lunch, water at lunch, two glasses after lunch. This weekend I have had no routine, no regular meals, extra naps and definitely not enough water. I did test my fasting sugar this morning and it came in at 110, which is higher than it has been, but still under the diabetic range. And that is AFTER I ate a white flour crusted calzone at Max's while listening to the band AND had a "mochatini" drink that had two kinds of sweet liqueurs and a shot of vodka.

I really need to go work on weeding that damn garden some more, grumble, grumble, before it gets dark. Every little bit helps.

Happy today for: the courage it took to get up and leave that man. I swear I would still be there listening to him drone if I didn't have what it takes! Go me!

Have I told you lately...

how much I love thrift stores? All the books were half price at Opportunity House! I bought several really nice hardback books, a couple of paperbacks, and a makeup case for under $5.00. I have been carrying my makeup in my purse around in a sandwich bag! The new little case was thirty cents!

I also went to Salvation Army and bought a couple more books and a CD for only ninety-nine cents. YAY ME!

At Farmer's Market I bought a big bunch of basil, and pound of green beans and a couple of yellow squash. I have to make pesto now and actually Michael always does it. I love to eat it, hate to make it. One more reason I really miss Michael. MMMmmmm I love past with pesto and fresh tomatoes and I did buy some more of those Campari tomatoes at the evil empire last night. I regretted that when I was at the Market today, but I will still enjoy them.

So I started out the day with twenty dollars in my pocket, got two or three days worth of yummy veggies, and HOURS of entertainment and still have money left over.

Happy today for: living in a town with a great Farmer's Market and fun thrift shopping.

Not before midnight.

Well I didn't make it home before midnight so I am not a true 365 Blogger anymore. I didn't take Leap Day off, though so maybe it still counts..

I spent some times with a friend in the afternoon then slept for like FIVE hours. My goodness. When I got up I decided to go to the fireworks even though I didn't have a plan with anyone. I parked away from the stadium and watched from afar. It was made nicer by being next to a restaurant with a live band playing and they were pretty good.

Then I went to the evil empire to buy a cheap DVD player. I've got to stop the insomnia! Of course a five hour nap won't help tonight. I bought other stuff also, but not really wasted money, a new bra, a new pair of pants, both desperately needed and groceries, mostly healthy, but I did buy some peanut butter cups! After going around the store I thought about my day and realized all I had eaten all day was a bowl of leftover chili for breakfast, a bowl of leftover chili for lunch, some grape juice and a pretzel. No wait, I think there was a bowl of tomatoes in there. Pretty "dead" food. I also didn't take any medicine today , nor did I check my glucose at all. So then I made it all better by getting a hamburger, which I just ate. Tomorrow I vow to eat better food, take my medicine and either ride my bike or walk the trail. It seems like the weekdays are much easier for me because the eight hour workday forces a routine, then on weekends I am all shot to hell.

What I really wanted to do tonight was go to Indy and go to the baseball game, but I just never made plans with anyone. Heather invited me up to go to her church party or her dinner club party, but it just seemed really hard and expensive to drive.

Tomorrow I have social plans with real people, so I won't have a day where I am in complete solitude. (Well I didn't today either, but you know how I can be on Saturday and Sunday!)

Happy today for fireworks. I love fireworks SO much.

Tonight.

I am hungry and tired. I am supposed to go out later, but it will be too long for me to wait to eat. I am going to eat some tomatoes now and try to wait until later for something else.

Happy today for: I made myself a sign at work that says, "Be Cool." I am still having attitude problems because they made me move out of Peaceful Valley. I almost lost my temper with my manager today and the last thing I need in this world is to have problems at work.

Worked outside.

I am still working on weeding and putting down mulch. This is definitely the kind of thing I like Michael to do!

All I felt like eating tonight was CHILI! In the middle of summer! So I did it. I also ate a bowl of tomatoes. I bought two one pound boxes of Campari tomatoes yesterday and they are almost gone!

I almost walked into the IT office to just flat out tell Steve I have a huge crush on him, but he was out helping someone at the time. Probably lucky for me so I didn't embarrass myself.

I think my computer here might have a virus. I have a scan running right now. Maybe it won't work and I'll have to work out a deal with Steve to come look at my computer. I can barter some goods...

I slept really well last night until I got cold in the night. I am happy I have slept better this week, probably still making up for Sunday night when I stayed up half the night.

So I am tired now...

Happy today for: some new Hello Kitty stickers I got! I like to put stickers on my production reports for the pre-press. I think it's cheerful!

Work, work, work...

Sometimes I think that is all I do. I work all day at work and then I come home and work some more!

I mowed tonight, which I actually enjoy, but while I was mowing I saw so many other things in the yard and garden that need done and I don't like all the other stuff! When Michael is here I have him clean the yard and pick up sticks and all that so I don't have to do it. He also weeds to prevent me from using chemicals in the garden. Tomorrow I will have to set a goal to weed and put down a little more mulch.

I have also been wasting time emailing back and forth a little bit. It has been sort of serious, but fun at the same time.

That reminds me, I want to post a little bit that I have emailed with my friend, B, from high school. I didn't ask his permission so I'll keep it anonymous.

I wrote:
I'm listening to music while I work - YAY!

A song just reminded me of a song that you played/ sang for me, oh thirty tears ago maybe... that you wrote that was a modern kind of ballad/pop (although I hate to say the word "pop" to describe it). Do you still do any of that kind of songwriting or was it a teenage phase?

B. responded:

Gosh, I don't remember writing songs like that -- but then there's a lot of my childhood that I don't remember...

Hmmm maybe someday I'll write a Broadway show....

Love,
B

I wrote:

I'm glad you answered before I left work today.

E. doesn't remember a lot of her childhood either.

It's kind of sad/funny that I remember so many little details of even the very traumatic abuse, except I have one episode in my memory that ends before it's over, so that one I REALLY worry about. :( I even thought of starting to write that one out this weekend and see where it takes me. It's kind of scary to think about, though, and I am afraid that writing about it will make me remember and I don't have a therapist right now!

When I think about the song you wrote I think some of the lyrics talked about a winter night and evenings spent playing cards.

And he responded:

Thanks for this note. I often wish I could remember the details of my traumatic abuse (instead of just the feelings) but then I think that if I'm meant to remember them I will. The hard part is respecting the feelings without having the concrete "evidence" to explain them. And I'm getting better at that.

It's so sad that things like that happen to people like you and me (and anyone else for that matter). I'm glad we've survived and get to live our lives now.

I LOVE what he said about respecting the feelings. Sometimes it is still easy to think - Oh it was so long ago. I should be over that. I recently had a real flash of anger again and was surprised to realize it was still there. When I was with interesting new man on Sunday we talked for five hours or so. We talked a lot about our pasts and it felt really good to have someone to talk to about it after recently experiencing that flash of anger. I want to try to do what B. does and respect my feelings, even if I am not sure where they come from or what episode may have triggered it.

Happy today for: I bought a CD! I deserved one WAY back when I deserved my last weight loss reward and I never got it. Well today I FINALLY bought my first Aerosmith CD. I have loved listening to them so much lately and finally decided it was time. I really battled between Toys in the Attic and a hits CD, but finally went with the hits because it had a LOT more songs for only $3.00 more and because I really did want some of the new stuff too. I listened to all thirty songs before I went out and mowed!