Guilt Party

I am kind of hesitant to post this, but at the same time I know that if Lisa and I were talking I would say it out loud and she would totally understand. I am only going to John's birthday party because I will feel guilty if I don't. I would so much rather stay home and work on the house and yard and nap and read. Parties are so hard for me. It's not like I'll be able to sit and chat with John and Lisa for a long time. They will be busy hosting and doing all that stuff. So I will be with a bunch of people I don't know, trying not to eat too much, feeling anxious and trying not to have a panic attack. I couldn't really invite anyone from Bloomington to go with me because I need to stay all night in Indy and Heather has to work at a concert, so she probably won't be done until long after I am reayd to leave the party. Here are the good things: Lisa mentioned "Bounce House" in the invite and I want to try it if I am not too fat. It has been a long time since I have done one of those and used to love it. I have met some of their friends now at other parties and one night when we had dinner with a small group and then others came over and played games so maybe I will not be SUCH an oddball. I plan to make some good, healthful food to take and share and I enjoy feeding people. It's casual, so I don't have to stress too much about what to wear )even though every day is stressful now because even my freaking underwear don't fit right!). I have a good book and a movie from Netflix I am going to take and if I get too freaked out I will just sneak out and go to Heather's and have some alone time. Lisa will understand if I have to do that - we've known each other so long! Also I got John what I think is a really good birthday present and I am looking forward to finding out if I am correct.

I think the thing that is hardest for me is losing all this time at home because I really do love my time at home - whether it be sleeping or cleaning or mowing or whatever! I have more things I'd like to do to complete the front porch and by staying all night I lose all of tomorrow where I could be doing that! It would just be so wasteful of gas and money and environmental impact to drive back. With the way I am so fatigued lately it would be extra hard.

I may ask Leah if I can take a day off work this week, or maybe half a day to do some of that stuff. I just need home time SO badly.

I need to go get started on the food. I hope it turns out well. I also need to wrap John's gift which could be time-consuming....I have an idea for nice homemade gift wrap I will probably do, damn creativity! Maybe I'll end up tossing it in a bag. We'll see!

More tomorrow, I guess.