Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Copy of email

Dr. Appt.

I went again today. He looked back at my very first page in my chart and said I have lost 37 pounds since I started seeing him. I thought I was more around 30, but I'll take it!

I bought some more new bras and had my khaki skirt that I love taken in at the waist by a woman at work who tailors on the side.

I told myself I wouldn't measure my waist again until I hit 180 pounds but I am dying to do it. Maybe that will be my encouragement to keep on going.

We talked about my sleep problems and my lack of motivation to exercise. He really wants me to add that component in. He says it will help my energy levels and the sleep problem to have more activity. I believe him. I lost weight last time by walking my ass off, literally. I told him I had quit the Y because I can't afford it anymore and he said he will write a letter recommending that they give me a scholarship because it is medically necessary.

He also wants me to see a shrink some more. I know I am certainly having anxiety troubles and fear about being skinny and possibly being sexually attractive again. I don't know if I am smart enough yet to stay away from abusive men and that scares me.

My BP is good, I've been tracking my sugars and they are better than ever and I have now officially cut the dosages of three medicines in half.

It all sounds so positive. I hate that it is so frightening psychologically. The past two nights in a row I have had dreams that I have had paint or makeup all over me. In one I did it on purpose and it felt very erotic and exciting. The one last night I was in the orchestra director's bathroom throwing up and having diarrhea at the same time uncontrollably, all over the floor and walls and just horrible. I tried to grab some toilet paper to wipe my face and when I did, I discovered there was purple paint all over my face. I decided the dreams probably reflect both my excitement and fear at losing weight and wonder if it's going to stick, if it's the real me or if I will just get fat again like I did last time.


No comments: