I am so happy / irrational fear

I am so happy because: I really need some time alone and I am looking forward to it this weekend. I will miss Michael, as usual and I am sorry that he has to go away when he doesn't want to. I am not sure if I will miss Roma. :)

I am so happy because: When I was in my meeting about my job being eliminated the other day I joked, "It just means I am going to have to write my book faster." On the way home tonight I realized that it is true. I do need to write my book more quickly! I made a goal to write at least 1000 words per week. That is hardly anything.... I wrote many papers several times that length in one night in college. It gives me something concrete to work with. Week goes from Sunday to Saturday and begins this Sunday. If I write 1000 words tomorrow it is a bonus week. As I drove I thought I should start with "Naked Lips." I realized, however, that I want to do the novel with an outline and some character sketches first. So I am going to work on more episodes for "Half-Wit."

Irrational fear: Once I realized the truth of the book writing and defined what my goal would be I was totally afraid I would die in a car accident before I got home. Nobody would ever know that I finally decided to get my ass in gear and really write the freaking book. I should have called Emily on the cell and told her to assuage my fears. Of course, with my luck, I would have crashed while dialing and there you go! Haha! Come on, even I am laughing at that one. Anxiety disorder, my foot!

Roma's birthday is Tuesday and I am planning to have just a little tiny celebration and cook out. I asked Jim to spy for me and try to find something that Roma would like for his birthday. I did remember that he broke his headphones, so if he hasn't bought new ones yet I can get those.

On the way home the oldies station played "Bridge Over Troubled Water." A man dedicated it to his wife of 42 years. I hardly EVER, EVER, feel sappy over stuff like that, but I tell you that first verse really had me. I think I have had so much sadness in my life because everybody moves away from me.. Growing up in one university town and then living in Bloomington later... well, it just happens. I am still in Bloomington, but almost everybody I was an undergrad with is gone, Deanna is gone, Jennifer is gone, Katie is gone (although coming back to visit this week!) . Now Stephanie is gone.... Even friend Will is gone this week to Cleveland. So mixed in with my usual joy of being alone there is a tinge there of wishing for something, someone permanent, I guess. I hate it when I get like this. I want to be so strong and independent and more like, "I am a rock. I am an island, and a rock feels no pain..." But I do. Maybe I should listen to Simon and Garfunkel tonight, but then I would probably cry.

This has been about the roughest two weeks ever, physically and emotionally, all at once. I really need this break this weekend. I hope to get up and do my Saturday Farmer's Market rounds and all that tomorrow. I am definitely going to turn off the alarm, however, and if my body says SLEEP, I will obey!

Happy today for: you're not going to believe it. I am happy that Flop, our old cat, feels comfortable coming to visit now that Miss Kitty Fantastico has left. I like him better. Suzanne next door had basically adopted him, but after she got too damn many dogs he started visiting more often. Kitty always hissed at him, though, so he'd never stay long.