Dr. Appt.

Lots of good news.

I had him check my feet and he said they are healing well and that I cared for them exactly the right way.

According to his records I have lost 23 and a half pounds over the past 90 days.

My blood pressure was so low that he is changing the diuretic kind of BP med to a much milder one. Also he says the low BP may be the cause of the extreme fatigue and all the naps.

My breathing and my heart still sound good.

I can continue to take one kind of the diabetes med at a lower dosage.

I wonder if the low BP is why I have been craving pickles so much. I have been buying the half gallon jars of Claussen pickles. Maybe my body was telling me my BP is too low and trying to get sodium in to keep more water. Ha! Maybe I'd rather keep the stronger medicine and keep eating pickles. They are yummy.

Conflict with Michael and Ed visitation. It sucks. Michael would rather go fossil hunting with Alexander in Ohio this weekend than visit his father, whom he hasn't seen in a month. Of course Michael and Alexander just spent 24 hours a day together for how many days touring France. This is the last weekend before A. starts his summer class, though, so the last time they can go. I told Michael if he thinks he is mature enough to make this decision, then he has to be mature enough to communicate with his father about it. I told him that if I were a non-custodial parent who hadn't seen my child in a month, and that even if our relationship sucked and even if I knew my child didn't really enjoy seeing me that if I were told that my child still didn't want to see me after a month I would be deeply hurt. I told Michael that if that happened to me that the hurt would take the form of lying in bed in the fetal position and crying for days on end, but that he has to realize that with his father the hurt is going to take the form of explosive anger. Michael says he will do the communication and deal with it. My friend Mark told me several months ago that Michael is old enough to deal with Ed and that I need to stop coddling him and doing it for him. Well this is it. It's happening right now. I am terrified for Michael. I am terrified for me and I am sorry for Ed. It is horribly sad that it has reached this point and I can't imagine how painful it must be to have your children despise you and not want to be with you.

Legally, I have on my side that I sent Ed a letter April 21 in which I asked him to notify me of when he wanted Michael to visit for the summer and asked him to do it in writing. He did tell me once that he wanted Michael to visit when his company has their summer "shut down" but has never told me the dates. I think this is a different deal, however, as it is a weekend visitation and not the weeks-long summer visit to which a custodial parent is entitled.

Basically, Michael just never wants to go at all and I understand. I just think it sucks for everybody.

I seriously don't know if I can think of positive thoughts for tonight. Maybe that it will turn out differently than I expect.