Almost ready!

Just a few hours until I take Michael to take the bus to the airport and off to France. We shopped and stuff like crazy yesterday, but today we stayed home and he finished packing. We worked on the yard. We listened to the radio - Byron was on St. Paul Sunday. I didn't even know he was doing the show this week. I knew he was going to Seattle to play, but I thought just concerts, then Michael yelled, "Byron Schenkman's on the radio!" So we got to hear him play a really interesting piece - harpsichord again, when he has been switching to modern piano. I got sunburned spending too long in the yard in my battle with creeping Charlie. Michael worked on the Canada Thistle and dug up a bunch and got the grape tomato plants in. We talked a lot. I played stupid time-wasting computer games. We were just very relaxed. A nice way to spend a Sunday. A little stress came after the orchestra rehearsal tonight when we found out the rule was no shorts at all - we hadn't understood that. Also, the bow case was too long for Michael's bag he had packed. Luckily the bow cases fit in Sofia and Alexander's suitcase so I had to run Michael's over to the Berteloni-Meli household. So Michael's bow is already on its first leg of the journey!
I think Michael is set with money after all my worries. He's taking a prepaid Visa card for times he has to sign and also the debit card to get Euros from ATMs or times he has to swipe and use a PIN. Rebecca says she thinks Jane's estimate of $40 a day is high and that I shouldn't worry too much. Gillian loaned us a passport/document and money thing you strap around your waist to avoid pickpockets, which I guess is a very bad problem in Paris. She's not leaving for Australia until after Michael gets back, so that worked out well.
Really all I ended up buying for the trip was clothes, which Michael needed anyway. Much of that was from Goodwill or Opportunity house anyway. I think the only things we bought new were socks, swim trunks, and one shirt, which was on mega-clearance at Old Navy. I'm not sure if I'm totally correct on that but it seems right. I had purchased some shorts at Wal-mart earlier this week, but Michael wasn't with me and he has deemed them not long enough so when he gets back with my debit card, I will return those!
I feel good about him taking the trip. I feel great about him getting to be first chair. We talked some today about this is a good opportunity to demonstrate his leadership and judgment skills to Jane. Even though she is not a math or science teacher she has known him the longest and she may be a teacher he will ask for letters or rec. for scholarships or for these exclusive little colleges he wants to attend. He talked like he had already thought about that part of it. I peeked in on rehearsal tonight and I could tell he was working hard to stay very focused and NOT be the one to need to be told to shush. Alexander is sitting 2nd chair so I hope he does not cause trouble by talking to Michael at the wrong times. Alexander just doesn't know when to reel it in sometimes. I hope Michael can be assertive enough with a friend to also be a good section leader.
SO = positive thoughts toward punctuality in the morning and a GREAT journey for Michael.

And he coulda been a star!

I planned to post the pictures of Michael in his new pants, but the camera batteries are dead. SOMEWHERE I have an extra pack I bought when we were in Georgia, suddenly now unfindable, and SOMEWHERE is Michael's room is charger full of rechargeables. I walked in there, but it is so messy I'd kill myself if I tried to find it. Sometimes I swear it's like living inside the ZITS cartoon around here!

Today included:
Farmer's Market
Opportunity House
Home again, lunch for Michael while I rested.
He dressed in the tux, dropped him off at graduation
I paid car insurance, went to Gillian's to borrow passport holder thingy, went to the mall, ate some chicken nuggets and a diet lemonade (resisted the waffle fries!), shopped at Sears, shopped at Old Navy, bought a prepaid Visa for Michael to take on the trip, shopped at Dick's Sporting goods.
Went to get Michael and texted Eric while I waited. He's on vacation in Arizona.

Michael came. We came home. I sat in the yard pulling creeping Charlie, clover and stray morning glories for THREE HOURS. I couldn't stand up when it was over! Michael had to help me.

I bought new goodformyfeet shoes at Dick's on clearance. I bought my newest pair when my feet were still swelling all the time so they are size ten. I am back down to an eight and a half or nine. I'd gone back to wearing previous goodformyfeet shoes because the newest ones slide now. Bad thing about that is they really aren't cushiony anymore and now with my feet still feeling bruised and beat up from the damage I did in Georgia, I really need good padding again. The skin part of the blisters is mostly healed, although you can still see the outlines of where they were and there is still one ridge of loose skin that is going to have to work its way off. They are just sore, sore, sore and tender underneath. I want to be able to hike and walk on the path now that the weather is nice! I looked at the hiking sandals that I think are kind of cool... ninety four dollars! Gulp. Nope,it's the clearance rack for me. The ones I bought are New Balance, which I haven't had before. They seem pretty light, yet very cushioned.


I spent a long time at the mall. I'm surprised I was still mentally functioning afterward. I really don't like the mall very much (BIG understatement there). Hey, is "big understatement" an oxymoron? Maybe I wasn't really mentally functioning afterward. Thus the sitting on the lawn for three hours placidly pulling things...very mindless and calming.

Well, maybe pictures tomorrow.

Positive thought toward getting my grape tomato plants planted tomorrow and Michael getting that room clean before he leaves for all those days!

Michael smoked weed today...

and it's not the first time either. I usually let the weeds dry out a few days before I burn them, but he was trying to burn the ones he pulled today. No matter how much lighter fluid he squirted on, he couldn't get much past the smoking stage. I also usually put my weed in a cardboard box to help fuel the fire and he just plain piled them in the fire bowl.

We went to Goodwill and to Walmart to work on more clothes for the trip. At Goodwill he bought the most God-awful blue, black and white polyester houndstooth pants. I am definitely posting a picture tomorrow. He thinks they're about the coolest thing he's ever had. This is after I promised the orchestra director I would make him dress like a normal person for the trip so he would represent the orchestra well - and she sincerely thanked me. She will just have to appreciate my efforts now. At least they don't have any holes or patches or studs...

Last night I went to bed right after I posted. Michael brought my medicine in so I could take it without having to go get it, and I never even stood up to get it off the dresser. I was so tired I just stayed in bed and slept in my clothes until 6:30 this morning! My days of napping and then staying up too late caught up with me. No rest this weekend. Tomorrow we need to look for some shoes for Michael which is hell on earth. Clothes shopping is like the 3rd level of hell and shoe shopping is probably the seventh level of hell. It's even worse now that he doesn't want to wear leather shoes (he will make an exception if they are used), because it really narrows the choices. He also has to play at graduation, I have to go to Gillian's to pick up the passport holder strappy thingy, pay a bill and I can't even remember what else. Sunday is finish getting ready and a two hour orchestra rehearsal and then they leave at 6:30 Monday morning. I will be exhausted, I'm sure. At least this week I won't have the pressure of feeling like I need to come home and cook dinner. Not like I've been cooking dinner this week either, but at least I won't feel guilty about it!

Positive thoughts about the getting ready and trying to not freak out. Alexander's mom, Rebecca, gave me some good advice about the money and the food today. They travel a lot so she has a lot of experience. Also Nico (her husband) is going to go from Berlin to Paris to meet them on the 5th day so if Michael is having trouble accessing his money or has run out or something Nico will help him out. They've been very kind to Michael and have provided him with a lot of experiences that I would not have been able to. I really appreciate them!

Going to bed early tonight.

I almost feel asleep now. After work there was a Science Olympiad cook out. I went over there and ate, then took Michael to cello lesson, shopped at Target while he was in lesson. Then we were supposed to go to the Orchestra Awards banquet and I have been here sitting on my butt playing computer games instead. I am about ready to just go lie down and watch TV or a movie until I sleep. I guess I need to take medicine and stuff first, but even that sounds hard.

Positive thoughts for Michael getting ready well for his trip and me surviving it.

Up late again.

Because I slept again tonight after work. I decided it is part true physical fatigue and part psychological. I am frustrated with all the end of the year stuff. Michael's priorities don't quite match with mine and we are clashing. My sleep is an avoidance technique, I'm pretty sure. Tonight he wanted to go to bike project and I really would have liked to have him home, have a good dinner together, go get some of the stuff he needs to have before he leaves.... he finally said, "this is the only time I will get to relax." I gave up. I understand that need to relax. I have this complex of feeling guilty if I am not productive all the time or often enough. I don't want to give that to him. Don't think it makes me actually BE productive all the time. I just feel guilty about the time I do waste!

I have brownies in the oven now so he can take something to the Science Olympiad picnic tomorrow. I boiled eggs, thinking I would make egg salad or deviled eggs, some protein packed and nutritious, but the thought of peeling the eggs was overwhelming tonight for some reason. Now it's brownies FROM A BOX... I usually keep a mix on hand for emergencies!

So positive thoughts for Michael learning balance instead of my over the edge tendencies.

Good news/ Bad news

Good news - I found a game I used to love to play on Yahoo!
Bad news - I found a game I used to love to play on Yahoo!

Sigh - Something else I need to resist as far as time-wasting.

Good news - I found a new juice I love
Bad news - I found a new juice I love

Sigh - Juice has just as much sugar as soda and I really shouldn't drink big glasses of it.

Good news - I work hard at work and I am very needed in my job
Bad news - I work hard at my work and I am very needed in my job

Sigh - I miss listening to music at work and being able to be in my own little, happy clerical world.

Good news - Michael gets to go to France in a few days and see things I have never been able to see and maybe never will
Bad news - Michael gets to go to France in a few days and see things I maybe never will

Sigh - another summer where I will not get to see Michael very much at all.

Good news - Emily found a summer job up in Lafayette.
Bad news - Emily found a summer job up in Lafayette

Sigh - with Mandy gone Emily has to pay the utilities all by herself and her job is waitressing and doesn't pay enough.

Good news - We had no activities nor meetings tonight so I was able to take a nap a after work
Bad news - We had no activities nor meetings tonight so I was able to take anap after work

Sigh - now I have a headache, but I'm not really tired and I haven't done any house maintenance or anything productive and don't want to.

Positive thoughts for focusing on the glass half full parts of all the above and having a good little time here before I get to bed and maybe relaxing a little bit as well as having some productivity.

Pictoral Proof...

Often when I say, "My house is really messy," people respond that it can't be really messy. I think because I THINK about it too much that people imagine I am OCD and keep house perfectly. After about two weeks of continuous activity and travel it was TRASHED. I spent all weekend working on the house, yard, garden, reading and watching a DVD. I did not go out socially the entire weekend. My friends who had to work felt cheated out of a holiday weekend. I cheated myself out of one by letting things get out of control in a major way. One of my basic three housekeeping goals is to have all the dishes clean at least once a day (preferably before bed, so I awaken to a clean kitchen). I don't think that has happened for at least this last two weeks. I even left dirty dishes in the sink when we went to Georgia for four days! Argh!

I can never figure out how it posts pictures on here. I think it works top to bottom. I wonder if I can rearrange after they post. hmmm... Here we go with some before and afters.

I wasn't able to work outside today. It rained ALL DAY. I went to the evil empire and purchased implements of destruction. The only thing I wasn't able to buy was a new mower blade, they were out of 20" blades. I probably won't mow again until the weekend anyway, so I can get one at Lowe's later this week.

Michael is home safely. The team placed second overall. He was viewing some results on his email and I took a look at them, but they were pretty meaningless to me because I don't really know how this race is run. I think he felt like he did well and so did the team and seemed happy, so that's what counts. Nobody on his team had any serious injuries this year. He said one rider on another team crashed into a fence and was bruised pretty badly but didn't break anything. I'm glad he's home. Just three more days and then school is over, then a few days and he's off to France next!

Positive thoughts for a successful week for Michael in finishing his school work and finals. I looked at the website for Harvey Mudd and tuition is $40,000 a year. I don't think Swarthmore is that high, but if he wants to go to these schools and not Purdue he definitely has to keep that 4.0!

Another day, another nap...

Well I finished the laundry today and the table is basically cleaned off. I want to make it look pretty. I also finished watching "Angels in America." Wow. I feel a lack of conclusion about the gay Mormon man. The last we see of him is descending into the subway. Maybe he's just going back to the personal hell of being a gay Mormon man. Even in the ending scene when his mother was with the other gay men we see her growth and change, but he's just gone.

Stephanie called and I talked to her for about an hour and just sat in the middle of the yard and pulled creeping Charlie and clover. There is so much of it that it leaves big bare spots! I need to make a run to the evil empire tomorrow. I hope it's open. need, grass seed, a shovel, a saw, lawn mower oil and a blade. I am going to get an arm workout and saw of all the dead branches of the mulberry tree. I am also going to prune the ones that hing too close to the ground and make it difficult to mow.

I read a TON of my book today and enjoyed that. I'd like to finish it tomorrow. My only goals for today were the table and cleaning the fish tank and relaxing. Tomorrow I would like to do the store and outdoor stuff, get my room really clean and do some paperwork stuff. I have receipts for the business to file, need to write down checks and maybe open some medical bills. Ugh. Hate it all.

I still need to do the fish tank. The water has been dechlorinating and room temperaturing for several hours. Time to follow through.

I listened to Cabaret today and to a Bette Midler tape I used to have a LOVE to sing along with called "Some Peoples' Lives." My favorite song on there is Miss Otis Regrets. I should research and see if it's a remake.

Positive thoughts toward the safe return of Hippie Boy tomorrow and for tasks well accomplished and still loving thoughts for Casey and Mandy.

Return and report then off to bed.

Thrift shop for clothes for Michael: Bought a really nice short-sleeved oxford shirt for $4.00 and some brown colored jeans for $3.00
Trash to dump - Yep
All dishes washed - Yep
2 loads of laundry - 2nd is in the dryer, third in the washer
work outside some more, unless it makes me sick - I mowed the entire yard and went over the front yard twice. It did make me get goosebumpy and feel bad again, but no hives. I still think the goosebumps are really strange. I asked Dr. Andry if my new medicine could intensify allergic reactions and he said he had never heard of that. Last night when I was weeding and some ants bit me I got all goosebumpy and that has really only happened when I have been stung by a bee or wasp in the past. It makes me worry about what might happen if I do really get stung and has certainly intensified my irrational fear of running over a hornet's nest in the ground when I mow!
Read 40 pages in current book - think I did about 30.
Write a thank you note Nope
Watch one more chapter of "Angels in America" I actually re-watched chapter four, which I had watched before, but when I started to watch the next chapter I couldn't remember all of four so I watched it again and now have started chapter 5.
Drink a lot of water - definitely good.
Counter and stove cleaned off. Yep.
Throw out too-old-to-eat stuff from fridge. Yep.

So thank you note gets put back to tomorrow. I also have some other major tasks I want to accomplish. The worst one will be cleaning off the table because I have been doing my VERY BAD THING of not opening mail and just letting it all pile up. I also want to work some more in the garden. Maybe start digging the Canada thistle roots... sigh... I cut most of them down yesterday until the ants attacked, but now I need to work on the real part of it. I probably need to go buy a shovel because Michael broke the shovel in half. I'm a little worried to try it because the bruises on my feet still hurt when I walk and when I push the clutch in the car. If I do the shovel.... it might give me new bruises or hurt the old ones. Maybe if I wear my hiking boots they will protect my feet enough to make it possible. I spent a long time this morning working on my feet and doing all the stuff I am supposed to do frequently, but usually feel too rushed. My friend, Kathy, having recently had a toe amputated scares me. She has been a fragile Type I diabetic for a long time and I know I am not at as great a risk, but I should still be careful! Type IIs can get complications too!

At Goodwill today I bought the album of Cabaret. I haven't listened to it yet. I think that is in store while I work on the piles of mail. Yay!

Positive thoughts: still for Casey and Mandy and family. For Michael to be safe and do well at the bike race and for my friend Eric, who needs to feel a little acceptance in his life right now.

Boring Saturday list:

Thrift shop for clothes for Michael
Trash to dump
All dishes washed
2 loads of laundry
work outside some more, unless it makes me sick
Read 40 pages in current book
Write a thank you note
Watch one more chapter of "Angels in America"
Drink a lot of water
Counter and stove cleaned off.
Throw out too-old-to-eat stuff from fridge.

I will return and report later.

Messes:

Emily and Mandy at Night of Dance in November.

Mandy's little sister Casey is really bad. Her cancer is so bad that they are going to amputate her leg and part of her pelvis on that side. Then she has to undergo chemo to treat where it has already metastasized. She is only like 19!!! Just completing her freshman year of college. It's just so so sad. Mandy wanted to go into the Peace Corps this year, but didn't get accepted because there weren't enough openings. I guess many people are signing back up because there are so few jobs if they come back home. I think that has to be a good thing now, because Mandy is planning to get an apt in Milwaukee so Casey can live with her after her surgery and during her treatments. Their mother has been unstable the past few years and both girls are basically estranged from her. Their dad has really stepped up in his role since the divorce, but I really do believe Mandy can provide a more stable environment for Casey. Also - she is not a healthcare person, but certainly knows biology and can help Casey understand the choices she will have to make and what is happening to her. I love Mandy a lot and have been so grateful for her friendship with Emily all these years. I feel so sorry that Casey and she are going through this. I wish I were closer or had lots of money so I could help. All I can do is keep caring, I guess and thinking more positive healing thoughts. Side note - Mandy is such a big part of Emily's life that on Emily's graduation announcements I made her a part of the equation that added up to the Bachelor's degree.

I was going to also write about my messy house and "garden." It seems to trivial now to even think about although I know life goes on even during tragedy and despair.

Yawn.

I stayed late at the office, not really working just messing around. Then I went to the Chinese place that has the seafood dish I love and bought some to go and brought it home. too expensive to ever do that again. I ate it while watching the next part of "Angels in America." I planned to go out and work on the yard, but the bed was so alluring... so now I have napped, but I am still ready to go to bed soon.

Michael is off to the solar bike race in Missouri so I am on my own until Sunday. I've had thoughts of going up to Lafayette and helping Mom and Dad at the house or of seeing Emily. To do either one, however, I feel like I need to have my house clean and some other stuff taken care of before I can go. My house is so dirty that I decided to take before pictures. As I get it clean I will take after pictures and post them so you can see that I am totally not exaggerating when I say my house is messy!

I've had a couple of invites to go out this weekend, but I really only feel like maybe doing karaoke and everybody else wants to go dancing at "Retro" night. I just don't like Retro night that much. Every once in a while I like to go dance, but I like to be in a place where you can actually hear each other and have conversations and that is NOT at Retro night! If I can find a taker on karaoke I'll go do that.

I don't know if I wrote about it, but in January when Michael said he didn't feel well all the time I sent him to the dr. They did a gazillion tests, chest X-rays, I don't even know everything, another mono test, UTI tests... Over $1200 worth of labs (yep, I'm back in medical debt already!). They decided he has Seasonal Affective Disorder and told me he needs more exercise and sunlight. Ummm... he rides his bike MILES everyday!!! I was really frustrated by the non-diagnosis. Feeling like I had wasted my money. I realize how lucky we are. I paid (or will eventually pay) $1200 to find out Michael has nothing. I could have paid $1200 to find out he has leukemia or some other horrible cancer or disease. Emily's roommate of all four years of college has a little sister named Casey - Well Casey found out she wasn't feeling good because of a tumor by her spine and yes, it is cancerous. Mandy is going back to Wisconsin to spend time with Casey instead of staying with Emily until they get jobs. I guess the plan is for Casey to drop out of school for a year for chemo. Yuck. I feel so sad for them. Mandy and Casey have been through a lot together as their family situation has changed over the past few years and are pretty close. Emily is also really sad because of Mandy leaving and sad for Mandy too. They have kind of been through a lot together also. Sadness and concern all around. I called Emily tonight thinking I'd ask if she plans to help get Mandy's stuff together and if she wants help, but she was hanging out with someone and didn't want to talk. I think she is pretty shaken by the whole thing.

Positive thoughts flowing up to Wisconsin for Casey.

Oh - and my feet are getting better. The skin is healing, but I bruise very easily and now there are bruises around where the biggest blisters are. It's pretty painful to walk - especially stairs, but I feel like I don't have to worry about infection anymore.

It's official.

I'm a bitch. I bet you haven't realized that before now. I just threw a rock at the neighbor's dog and yelled at the neighbor. "I'm tired of him pooping in my yard!" At least I didn't say shitting. The neighbor said, "I'm sorry. I'll clean it up in the morning. If they haven't figured out who did the poop delivery on Easter, I bet they realize it now!

Sigh.

Getting closer to normal...

Did a few dishes tonight. Managed to attend a school activity without sleeping through it. My feet still hurt and feel bad when I walk, but they seem to be healing. I was totally afraid they would not heal or they would become infected, but so far they seem to be getting better. I am making sure to keep the blisters dry and covered and wash them gently but thoroughly every day. I debated whether I should anti-bacterial ointment on, but decided the dry approach was better. If anything starts to look infected I will change the method, however.

At work we have to start "clocking in" on an electronic system on our computers, because our payroll will be done electronically. Leah talked to me today about not working anymore unpaid overtime. I told her I will never be able to get all my work done and she said that if that happens we will change the arrangements or the systems again because something is not working right. I know I am working harder than EVER and still behind on all the paperwork and documentation parts of the job. That scares me because it makes it too easy to make mistakes. I also have a little issue about needing to feel in control and I just feel like I am going from chaos to chaos day to day.

I am tired and I need to make myself go to bed. I have been failing miserably at my 11:00 goal lately, even without long naps.

I journaled while I was on the trip and I want to get the entries typed in. Maybe this weekend I can manage. Michael asked if he can take my new camera to France and I think I am going to say no. I have wanted it too badly for too long and I am just not ready to share it.

I am freezing. Yesterday morning there was actually frost on my car windows. Maybe it will turn out to be a good thing that we didn't get the tomatoes planted yet. I still need to work on those damn weeds, though!

Positive thoughts toward a less painful day tomorrow and toward completion of some overdue tasks.

Pictures 6: just cool

The blurry part of the sign says, "GFOS" for Godfather of Soul, with a microphone across it.

Pictures 5: The medalists of Blgtn HS South!

Pictures 4: The team, Geeks en masse!

The future engineers and scientists, Nobel Prize winners, Academics, moms and dads, aunts and uncles and generally interesting, intelligent and (mostly) nice people of the world. Pretty nice right now, as a matter of fact!

Some pictures are by class, some by girls and boys, I don't know everybody's names, even after 4 days!

Pictures 3: The awards ceremony.

Pictures 2: During the competitions

The only event Michael was in that was photo-worthy was "Eggonaut" Launching rockets loaded with raw eggs. They are made from plastic bottles and launched using water pressure. The goal is to keep them aloft as long as possible AND to keep the egg whole, for which you receive bonus points. Michael is normally very good at this event. He won similar events (minus the egg) in Middle school at state. This day, however, despite some very great and prolonged trial flights, their rocket landed very quickly and they placed forty-fourth or something like that. The hawk on the light post sat and watched the competition until some smaller birds chased it away. I think their nest was up there.

Between events students hang out in a "homeroom" talk, eat, study, cause problems and lament or celebrate how they feel about the events they have already completed. Boy with long hair is Michael, Boy with bushy hair is Timothy, his partner in Remote Sensing, Boy with knee up is Alexander, partner in fossils. Dark haired woman is Mrs. Grossman, SO coach, lighter haired woman is Ms. Kvale who also coaches Solar Bike and leads the backpacking club. She is also the poor physics teacher who had to go through the ordeal with Roma.

I just realized that some of the pictures need rotated, but I am too lazy/ tired to do it right now. Tilt to the side for a better view, please.

Pictures 1 - What I did to my feet:

Lessons learned:
Sandals that are comfortable should not be worn for walking several miles unless they are designed for such wear.
Don't be so stubborn that you don't stop walking until you find a store that has what you want.
In Georgia, "down a couple of stoplights" could mean several miles.
And yes, both feet, and yes they still hurt, and yes I know a diabetic should never do anything like this.

Unmotivated...

In the worst way. I just had to actually discipline myself that putting away a baggie with five things of makeup in it did not count as five of the ten things that was my goal.

I am probably just still super tired. I actually had three nights of pretty good sleep in the hotel, but that journey home last night was like the journey to hell, only with a much better ending. I did leave my house dirty, however, which is not so nice to return to!

I am not even motivated to download the software for the camera, even though I am dying to post pictures. Maybe I will forgo any additional housework and do that.

Tomorrow night Michael has undergrad honors night at which he plays in the orchestra AND gets awards, then Wednesday has to be ready to leave at 6:00 am Thursday for a bike race in Missouri. What is it with these people and that 6:00 am magic departure time? I went to the store tonight and bought lots of food for him to take with. He had a hard time finding healthy food in Georgia, especially on campus. He's pretty sure this hotel has fridges and microwaves so I bought some stuff made to zap that will add up to complete proteins AND a lot of Clif and Fiber One bars.

Positive thoughts for health and safety for Michael as he prepares for another trip and competition.

Not dead.

Blogged on paper while there and will try to enter tomorrow. Not sure with my homework situation, however.

Basics: Michael's team placed high enough to win medals in two events, fourth place in each one: Remote Sensing and Fossils!!! Woo Hoo! So Michael was the only one to win two medals on his team. The team placed 14th overall out of 60 teams from all over the country. I had some relax time, some emotional time, some irritable time, but I think I GAINED weight while I was there!

More tomorrow, I hope.

Almost ready.

Clothes are packed.
CDs are packed.
Medicine is packed.
Purse is packed
Snacks are packed.

Need to: get backpack ready to pack after I get ready in the morning, pack a journal and some books to read, maybe should fill water bottles ahead of time, make sure I have headache medicine in there! Pack cell phone charger.

Positive thoughts toward a safe a fruitful trip. If I don't write, it's not because I am dead, unless of course I am dead. If I am dead, Emily has instructions to get on my favorites and emails and tell everybody, so you should know soon.

So OFF TO GEORGIA WE GO!

Lots to do!

I've had laundry in since about 7:30... worked on cleaning, sorted out some papers that desperately need dispatched, paid or something! Been watching Biggest Loser (ate ice cream tonight watching! :) ) played some computer games - I've gotta do SOMETHING fun! I still need to do at least the reading for class tomorrow and I don't even know where my books are! I think I put them in my room sometime. Maybe they are buried under the pile of shoes and clothes I have been pulling out for Opportunity House. I am going to start purging again. The too big clothes or too small and aren't really worth wearing again and any pair of shoes (even sandals!) that give slightest hint of discomfort are out of here! Bed by midnight is the goal, then tomorrow after class I am going to come home, pack, take a shower so I am starting out clean and get my butt in bed. We are supposed to meet at 6am Thursday and start driving by 6:30 at the latest ugh. Maybe I should buy some caffeinated beverages ahead of time!

Okay positive thoughts for a day at work tomorrow where I can prepare for a four day weekend, when I've really been going crazy lately. I worked until about 7:00 last night I think and got a lot of paperwork filed, but there's still more that needs completion.

The end.

Slept.

Not for three hours tonight, just two. Going to take medicine drink water and go back to bed. A TON to do before we leave on Thursday and leaving is at 6:00 am and I have to stay awake because I am the driver!

Positive thoughts toward restful sleep the next couple of nights.

I hate that creep, Charlie.

I spent hours today pulling it out - I am fighting a war with the stuff. Michael is fighting the war with Canada Thistle. We never had it until three or four years ago and now it is SO bad. Michael did research on it today and learned that the tap roots can grow up to 22 feet deep! It has EVERY defense mechanism a weed can have. I swear it shoots poison thorns in your eyes when you try to remove it. Michael has been faithfully digging and pulling and digging and pulling all these years and it just gets worse and worse. The tap roots actually SPIRAL so you can never get the entire thing, the thorns are poison and make you itch like crazy if you even just brush against one. It's horrible. Creeping Charlie is horrible, but at least it is not painful!

Usually we try to get the dirt and garden spot ready and then on Mother's Day we go to the greenhouse and get out plants and get them put in. This year we have been so busy, however that we started from scratch today. So Michael got his little side plot ready and planted six sweet potato plants - our first try at those. I got my little corner flower spot ready and planted some sweet peas from seeds. I usually put Alyssum there so this is also a new adventure. We have to work on the other garden spots before we can put in our peppers and tomatoes and I am so afraid we won't have time to do it with all the trips and stuff. Growing tomatoes and peppers saves us a TON of money because we eat a lot of them!

I'm all for a little Round Up on that thistle, by the way, but Michael still wants to try to garden more organically. That's why he is so willing to weed, to keep me from using herbicides. I DID buy the kind you spray on the grass with the hose to kill the clover and the creeping charlie. We're not going to eat the grass, and maybe it will poison the dog that keeps pooping on my lawn! :)

Today for Mother's Day I slept very late, had a little breakfast. We went to Aldi and spent a gazillion dollars on groceries. When we got home I made a nice lunch of corn on the cob, tomato salad, and strawberries. My tomato salad recipe which I love I have started adding fresh mozzarella so it has some more protein. It doesn't have a strong flavor so it doesn't change the taste of the salad a lot. My problem is it has the same appearance and texture of tofu, which I hate...

Okay - my chocolate has probably cooled enough to put into the cream cheese mixture without cooking the eggs. I'll be back. I am multi-tasking, as usual!

After lunch we went to Lowe's to buy top soil. Too bad we forgot it while we were on that side of town at Aldi! Duh. Every year I put another 400 pounds of top soil down in this yard. The soil in Southern Indiana is red clay. The glaciers didn't come down here before they started receding back up north, which left some beautiful hills, but didn't smash all living things that make up that nice, rich, black soil up north!

Then I was completely exhausted and heck, it's Mother''s Day! I ordered a pizza for dinner and we were both starved by the time it got here. I haven't eaten half a pizza in like forever! I did today, though! I must have really needed it, because it didn't make me sick the way I have been getting if I eat too much at once lately.

I got a digital camera for Mother's Day (from me). Michael started getting it ready to go, but I don't think he's done yet. I got a BIG commission check because of the special project where the guy from the ad agency made me cry. Now you guys will probably have to put up with more stupid pictures from me than ever! My food, my yard, my son winning a National Science Olympiad medal this weekend...

Now I am baking cheesecakes for our party at work tomorrow. I am experimenting with cupcake sized individual servings. Market research shows that the hot new trend is "mini" desserts. So this is my attempt. I also have MINI muffin pans and could make TINY ones too, if these work. Then for events to cater serve the minis. They are more labor intensive, however, filling each little thing and smoothing it, etc. So I will have to remember that the labor costs will be higher for small ones, and charge more per serving than for a regular size cake.

Our party tomorrow is the "Cozy Corner Cash Bash" we were looking for a reason to celebrate Johnny Cash and May 11 is the anniversary of his first arrest, for picking flowers on private property. We are all wearing black tomorrow and all the treats and beverages are supposed to be black. I even bought black paper plates and napkins! Maybe I'll get some pictures.

I have no idea how long to bake these little cheesecakes. I hope I don't burn the hell our of them! I set the timer for 15 minutes, which should be soon.

Life is good. Elwood is playing women of the blues on House of Blues tonight and it is wonderful.

The house smells like chocolate cheesecake and I have a three day workweek this week and then a trip to Georgia. I need to make sure I have summer clothes that fit to wear! The shorts I wore today I had to keep hitching up. I don't want to walk around all day holding my pants up. Timer. Time to go check. I think a few more minutes.

Positive thoughts toward good little cheesecakes with a high profit margin. Now when I bake for work and buy special ingredients it's product development and samples so it's all tax deductible. :)

Yay!

As of this morning I weigh LESS than the number on my driver's license (200). It had said 150 for decades, a total lie, but last fall when I had it renewed I finally figured I need to lie a little bit less. In a few months I will have to go get a new one that says 150 again! The actual number on the scale this morning was 199.2. Usually what will happen is is will bounce around for a few days, then settle down to the next lowest number. I am preparing myself not to have a freak-out if it says 200 again tomorrow morning or something. A lot of that with me has to do with fluid retention, but as long as the general trend is down I can feel good. I had vowed to measure my waist again at 200. I went from 51 inches to 48, so three inches for 20 pounds or so. In thirteen inches I will be out of that heart attack danger zone, AND probably able to be buy clothes in the regular clothes section. Very excited here. I want to celebrate by going out and eating fried mushrooms with ranch dressing - but I probably won't.

Up late again.

And have driven to Indy and back again. I was going to say NO MORE DRIVING for at least two weeks, then I realized I am driving a van full of stinky science geeks to Georgia in a few days!

Lately Ed has been picking Michael up on Friday nights, but we are splitting the weekend so Michael can be here on Mother's Day. I don't want to drive up tomorrow because I have a friend who is having a book release and book signing party. If you go, are you obligated to buy a book? I kind of don't want to, but maybe I will anyway, just to be supportive. Besides that he printed Emily's graduation announcements for me for only the price of a cheesecake, so he is helping me out too.

My body did strange things again tonight. I ate little today, but it included a protein bar and some fruit, no candy, no sugared soda, maybe not as much water as usual. I really wanted the Chinese buffet that has all the crab stuff I crave so we went there on the way to Ed's. I didn't overeat, really. I ate lots of protein, no rice, no noodles, the carbs I ate was some soft serve ice cream in a reasonable amount. Sick, in the bathroom, ugh. Then we drove the rest of the way and I went to Wal-mart to get off my ass and just to buy stuff we need. About halfway through the store I started feeling like it was droppig again - the hot and sweaty, weak and shaky.... So I picked up a sugary root beer AND a gallon of water so I would be prepared either way. I tested when I got to the car - 143 - a little high, but shouldn't be make me sick high. So I kind of drank a little root beer and a little water, alternating on the way home. I just tested again - it's 176. Good thing I am drinking water as I type! I just checked my meter - the last time I tested that high was March 29. I did drop one of the pills this morning, but it is one that I had experimented with dropping before. I think I still not take it tomorrow and see what happens when I have a more physically active day, not sitting at a desk and then in the car for three or four hours. I may check more frequently also, to see if it is spiking really high when I am eating. I will get this figured out!

About one and a half more pounds and I will match the weight on my driver's license.

Positive thoughts towards getting my sugar and weight and diet all under control and well-managed at the same time.

Crashed!

I didn't eat much today, but had a normal dinner from the deli at Bloomingfoods . Turkey with cheese and veggies on whole wheat, some of those kettle chips and a Nantucket Nectar lemonade. Too many fast carbs, I guess. I got up to get changed for bed and go to the bathroom and broke out in a sweat and thought I was going to throw up. I checked my sugar and it was 120, which is PERFECT. My range two hours after eating is supposed to be 120-140. I felt like I was going to die though. I called Debbie and asked her to call me back in half an hour and if I didn't answer to come down and check on me - Michael was already in bed. I checked 10 minutes later and it had dropped another 20 points, 100, another 10 minutes, 93, and then a few minutes later 90. It must have been super high and then crashed super fast. I drank a little bit more of the lemonade and I feel normal now. I am going to test again in a few minutes and then go eat some cheese or something with protein, unless it has dropped even more. If it's still dropping I will probably eat some Smarties and THEN some cheese. I haven't had anything like this in a long time, even since I have been dieting very seriously. Dr. Andry told me I am okay, but I need a lot more protein - 50 grams a day. I bought some "Pure Protein" bars that have 20 grams each and usually have one for breakfast or for lunch and then try to eat at least one serving of meat a day also. I Guess today I just didn't do the right mix or something. Also I was upset with Michael AND worried about him at the same time AND I had to call Ed tonight, which is always stressful to me, even when he acts nice. Stress can really make my sugar go crazy, although usually it is high and not low.

I can't WAIT for this school year to be over. We have in the next month Science Olympiad, Bike Race, orchestra plays at graduation, trip to France, and I just got an email today that the orchestra may have well enough in regionals last week that they might get to go to state. I don't even know when that is. It's probably one of the other weekends he will already be traveling and there will be a conflict. Of course there is work, class, and housekeeping and yardwork on top of that. Overwhelmed.

10:00 going to test sugar...91... up one point. I'm going to go get something to eat. chunk of cheese, maybe. Also going to go Facebook and blog read.

Still trying to watch "Angels in America" disc that I have. It is intense and amazing. Goal is to finish by this weekend.

Positive thoughts toward my liver, pancreas, beta cells and whatever else is wacky right now! Come on body, work right! You're supposed to work BETTER when I get skinnier... Hey - maybe I need to decrease one of the sugar medicines, come to think of it. That is one of the goals...

Bloggy, Blog, Blog

My all purpose title. Work was insane. Pam and Joyce finished their work and then helped me with some of my past due paperwork. I made a mistake and charged a customer's card too much yesterday and the business office caught it. I called to apologize and explained that the charge had already been credited back to his card, but only to their VM. He called back and he was LIVID! That was just after a couple of guys from downstairs had called my line and didn't realize that the VM was taping them and they were saying how much they hate me and somewhere the word "Bitch" was in there, although I don't think it really referred to me. I was already upset by that and had forwarded it to Leah to take care of. Then the customer thing happened.... By the time I got the paperwork complete that the customer demanded I send to his bank and faxed copies to the bank, the customer and Leah I had not done anything to help Kerri with the ads placed online, which aren't automatic, they still need to be put from one program into another, cards charged, receipts sent, etc. So it all really sucked. I stayed until about 5:30, still have stuff not finished and I am exhausted.

Good part of the day. I had class tonight, but had to leave in the middle for a little bit to go see my old BF, the Mayor present awards to Bloomington's State winning Science Olympiad teams and basketball team. Very nice. Also I sat with another mom whom I really like - she even came to my brunch - and it was just nice.
Bad part was I missed part of the class when the attorney talked about which business entity is right for you. I think I will be a single member LLC. Then I can still file taxes with my SS# or get a tax ID# if I prefer, but it protects most of my personal holdings from being seized if I get sued and lose - at least as far as I understand it.

So positive thoughts toward getting to work on time or EARLY tomorrow and finishing my past deadline stuff. Also lots of gratitude for my coworkers for their support both emotionally and professionally. I work with a lot of nice people. I don't think Shawn likes me, but he's still nice. I think it freaks him out that he has seen me cry twice at work already since he's been here.

Blog for Blog's Sake

The bad P word part of me made me turn the computer back on and sit down to do this! No wonder I am psycho.

I turned it off earlier than I planned because I realized my body needs to SLEEP tonight, even if homework is the sacrifice. I am tired. I am trying to learn to pay attention to my body signals about hunger, thirst, sleep, movement and SLEEP is important.

So off I go.

Positive thoughts tonight for not too severe of consequences for my desire to sleep and listen to my body.

I'm not dead.

I tried to kill myself on Sunday by mowing the lawn when I was already having a very bad allergy day. Whatever is pollinating right now is VERY bad for me. I was sick, sick, sick, by the time I was done. I had goosebumps over my entire body and hives started breaking out on my right arm - I think my scalp too. I came in a took a shower and Benedryl and slept. I took a sick day at work. I just felt too crappy still, even though the bumps and weird looking things were gone, my head was still reacting inside and I could feel every mucous membrane from the neck up ITCHING! Ugh. I slept until after 11:00, then got up and went on a medicine run to Target for both Michael and me. I also had to go to CVS to get the kind he wanted. THEN I had to take Michael to his photo shoot for the Leaders of Tomorrow scholarship thing. By the time we got home I was exhausted again and slept for three hours. Now, as you can see, I am up late, working on homework. What I am learning right now is that I need to do a LOT of research. One part of my research will be going to restaurants that are potential distribution points, perusing their menu, prices and dessert selections and making sure that they are high enough quality that I want my name to be associated with them AND that they charge high enough prices that I can charge enough to make a profit. Woo hoo! Eating out that can be written off!

So positive thoughts for getting this next section of homework done and getting my butt in bed. It's back to work tomorrow, even if I will still be drugged.

List update & a little more.

Complete dishes and kitchen table - Mostly compete, table needs wiped.
Mow lawn - Complete with a story to tell below
Finish laundry and change sheets - Done + bonus, I did Michael's too, even though he is supposed to do his own.
Do the reading for next this week's class - Nope
Revisit the homework from previous weeks and complete fully/revise. - Nope
Write Debbie's list - Nope
Look for what the mousies are eating and set the traps! - Nope
Fill out Michael's permission slips for Nationals. - Nope, but I am going to do that now.
Put Sarah's pictures I found and the baby announcement in the album. - Complete!
Update Goodreads. Nope
Drink a lot of water. - Yep, tons.

I was already having an allergy day today with sneezing, itchy eyes and general yucky. When I mowed I had a terrible reaction. I had goosebumps everywhere, had trouble breathing and inside my throat and all passages were itching like crazy. I felt driven to finish the task because I am always the bad neighbor who mows last or half as often as everybody else, and I usually actually enjoy mowing. So me, being me, mowed until I was done, by which time I was nearly in tears from the misery and my right arm started to break out in hives. I came in and sat and drank water and after I was able to breathe normally again I showered to get the pollen and crap off. I was nervous to take any allergy pills, because my new med is a blood pressure risk thing and I was afraid to mix it with an antihistamine. I finally called the 24 hour pharmacy - it was 8:00 or something by then - and the pharmacist said go ahead and take Benedryl. So I popped three Benedryl and lay down and just woke up a little bit ago. I am sad that the homework part of the list didn't get done. All I am going to do now is complete Michael's permission slips and then go back to bed.

Sunday List,

instead of Saturday, because my Saturday was unusual with Michael doing the SAT and a trip to take him to Ed's and having dinner with Heather SO:

Complete dishes and kitchen table
Mow lawn
Finish laundry and change sheets
Do the reading for next this week's class
Revisit the homework from previous weeks and complete fully/revise.
Write Debbie's list
Look for what the mousies are eating and set the traps!
Fill out Michael's permission slips for Nationals.
Put Sarah's pictures I found and the baby announcement in the album.
Update Goodreads.
Drink a lot of water.

Ambitious enough? We'll see what get complete. It is not in order of priority so I won't know until, oh about 11:00 pm what the final tally will be. I'll try to return and report!

Random:

I would like to learn to play the harmonica, but I know deep down inside I would not practice, even if I had one.

I think my favorite song lyric is, "I woke up this morning and got myself a beer."

I went to Aldi with Heather, and the store there has a fully uniformed guard at all times. I wonder if the guards carry guns.

If I go to a concert this year I want to go see Aerosmith.

I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow so I can mow the lawn.

I have a few things I buy compulsively. I have been thinking about it. I know the list includes tablecloths and cloth napkins.

I'm kind of sad right now that I still haven't bought my deserved weight loss reward, and I think David's store is closed on Sunday. Then it will be another busy week and when will I get to go?

In Indy in a couple of places where children were shot people have made these shrines to them. The shrines are stuffed animals and flowers and pictures nailed, stapled or tied to telephone or utility poles. Every time I drive past one I think of them as crucified teddy bears and think it is the saddest thing ever. I don't think it's a good memorial. Some day when I get a digital camera I will take a picture of one. I should have Michael take one with the 35mm. He has been practicing using it lately. It would probably be a striking and sad photo in black & white.

Michael will probably go to Ed's next weekend even though it is Mother's Day. Ed always wants his "fair share." I would be okay with it, except for two reasons. I think it will make Michael sad because we usually go to the greenhouse and buy our plants and start our garden, and I miss my brother on Mother's Day a lot, because he used to ALWAYS call and tell me happy mother's day.

I have been wasting too much time on the computer lately. I should be doing more homework and writing more. I think I am so overwhelmed I am escaping or self-medicating with mindless (well not really mindless, because they are word games) games. I am not self-medicating with food and little games seem to have taken food's place. I'm losing weight, but computer games take up more time than chocolate.

I hated it this week when someone asked me how I was and said, "tired" at the same time I did. I hate that people know I am tired, or that I look tired, or that I complain too much about being tired. I need to take even better care of myself so I can get over this fatigue. I think it should fade as the weight keeps going down and class is over and Michael's activities have breaks and all that, but I feel really aware that I am giving the impression of exhaustion to people. I AM tired, I AM overwhelmed, but I am happy too!

Another thing. I wish I could watch more movies, both at home and at the theatre. I really, really enjoy good movies and some bad movies and I miss them. Maybe this summer while Michael is traveling and gone to Ed's I should vow to see a movie each week. I have the two movies a month deal from Netflix, which also includes one movie online each month. I have had the same disc all month and still haven't watched it. It's like a faster way to have something to analyze, enjoy and ponder without the time of reading a book. I feel like I have lost my skills of analysis and critique because of lack of exercise.

I want to ride my bike soon. I haven't been out on it this year. I am a fair-weather bike rider only and fair weather is mostly here now!

I need a drink of water so I am going to quit and DO something. I am leaning toward staying here and working on the housework tonight. I had thought a friend might come over, but we only had tentative plans. Then tomorrow my house will be all clean and I can devote to homework and yard work and get some good things accomplished. Now the age old question - listen to the radio or choose a CD? I am a lucky woman if that is something to even think about. What a gift my life is!

It's still Friday for me.

Yep another 2am posting.

I have been filling out Michael's registration form for the SAT. I NEVER did this kind of thing for Emily. She just did everything herself and I would writes checks and drive. Michael is kind of the opposite. He'd rather transport himself on bike, but have the administrative part taken care of. I still write a lot of checks, of course.

The orchestra performed well tonight. I always think the brass sounds weak and out of tune, and one of the pieces she chose started out with the brass so I think that part was bad, but everything else was great. They did one piece where Jake did a wonderful cello solo. I should get my program and tell you what the pieces were but I am too lazy.

Work went mostly well today. I would still like to go in an get lots of catch up stuff done, but I think the house is going to come first this weekend. House and sleep and a little fun thrown in somewhere.

Positive thoughts that Michael WILL get to take the test tomorrow. He didn't register on time so he ins on "stand by" status. Sigh...