Wednesday, even on the clock.

I am so tired I am going to go get in my warm bed and read!

I left work early today and went to my new doctor. I think I like her. I told her my heart has been racing a lot and she said it is "tachy" (NOT tacky!). They did a quick Electrocardiogram. I have suspicious looking "Q waves." They are going to schedule a stress test to see if my heart exploded or something. There was a time some time in the past few months when I was afraid I was having a heart attack, but it went away after awhile. Maybe I should have had it checked? Whatever I'm still alive - could say a lot about the more intense fatigue, though. Tomorrow I get regular labs and I'm not sure when the heart test is.

I'm grateful for health insurance, even though this will STILL put me deeper in debt with medical bills. It wouldn't even be possible to think about if there were no insurance (except then maybe I could get it for free... sigh.)

An auspicious occasion.

I went to the YMCA and exercised BEFORE WORK - yes, worthy of capitals and bold. I walked one mile and did the stationary bike for 14 minutes. Part of me feels like that was so puny that I am almost embarrassed. Deep inside, however, I know that it is a MILLION (capitals and bold-worthy) times better than nothing, which is what I have been doing. It felt wonderful to know that I made a choice that is good for me. It felt good physically. It felt good to take a shower at the Y (damn the environment and my stupid low-flow shower head!). It felt good to see people out doing things that are good for them - I want to learn from their examples as I strive for health and strength.

After work I had an appt. with Christine. We worked on ... well, it's hard to say. I guess the main theme is exploring why it is emotionally so difficult to make choices that I know intellectually to be correct. I guess that is the core of my "health" blog, which has been all but abandoned lately. We got to a little nitty gritty. I think what it MIGHT (capitals & bold) boil down to is that I've been betrayed so often and felt it so keenly that maybe I set myself up to betray myself ? (bold only). Time to get over that shit!

I went down to the Occupation later... they participated in a "Direct Action" at the Business School tonight. My question to Michael is "If you get arrested and lose your scholarship is OWS going to pay for you to go to college?" I sure can't! I DO (B & C) want him to do what he believes in, but with caution!

Feeling cold again.

When I went downtown, though nd I was wet and cold and basically miserable I realized that I have a (sort of, but it is this cold by choice) warm house to go home to. The homeless people are so happy to even be able to stay in their tents in the park. The Occupants are choosing to be outside because they think it will help bring attention to their Direct Actions and their protests. I'm all over (as in finished with) that sort of activism. So I am grateful for my home, and that I have the choice to be warm if I wish.

So. Cold.

I feel like I will not get warm again. I washed my quilt AND my comforter today. I can't wait to get in bed and get under nice warm covers. Knowing the homeless more now I am so grateful for my home and my wonderful bed with covers - even if it is still old in here, it's better than being out in a tent.

Happy Saturday!

I slept most of the day - still mostly in a headache fog. The right spot in the medicine dosage cycle where pain really was deadened allowed me to go to karaoke tonight. I ate some food without becoming nauseated and I enjoyed myself. I am really glad I got to go.

Duh!

I was just reading the blog/site "My Aspergers Child" about tips for peaceful (not hell) shopping with your Aspergers Child. I caught myself thinking "This just sounds like common sense tips every parent should use with every child." Then I realized.. no, I NEVER had to do any of that stuff with Emily. I know Emily was exceptionally opposite an Aspergers Child and that there is an in-between between Michael and Emily, (BUT and it's a big BUT) the fact that they are four and a half years apart and that Michael's needs became in my view the "norm" for parenting and LIVING demonstrates the truth to Emily's frequent assertion that I loved Michael more. I really didn't love him more, but yes, I really did have to love him differently - that was the only way to keep our lives from being a living hell. I am glad that even though I had no helpful diagnosis, somehow I was able to see what his needs were and provide the routine and stability that helped him. I still hate to take him shopping, though.

Friday post.

It will be short, because I am going to bed very soon. I did make it downtown. I heated up a lot of the leftovers from Thanksgiving and took them to share. I don't need all those carbs around the house. Michael and I ate a little bit then we walked down to the square - we arrived after the lights were lit. Oops. We walked around and said hi to a few people. We went to Fountain Square Mall and looked in The Game Preserve (I think the game I've been trying to remember is "Mindtrap - must remember to Google"), we went to Caveat Emptor and I spoke with Mr. Starcs about the possible value of my books from Prof. Rothmuller's estate. He wants me to bring them in probably after the holidays. We went back down to the Occupation and hung out. It was low key and relaxing and it was a beautiful night. My body and spirit felt good to spend three hours outside. I'm very grateful for that.

Not REALLY Thursday

I didn't make an entry on Thursday because I WAS SICK. I cooked a huge Thanksgiving meal of 1,2,3,4,5, maybe 6 courses... maybe more. Let's see, turkey, quinoa main dish, dressing, green bean casserole, deviled eggs, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, gravy (two kinds), pumpkin pie (10 total) and cheesecake. Debby brought rolls and Vivek brought a wonderful, homemade mushroom soup. I sat down to eat and had absolutely no appetite - unusual for me. I ate some of the soup and then filled my plate with all the other yummy stuff and sort of looked at it. I ate half a deviled egg, a little bit of mashed potatoes and gravy, and maybe a couple of other bites. My head hurt and I kept catching myself rubbing my head, but I wasn't connecting all the dots. After dinner we all just sat around the table and talked a little bit, but never did talk about going to the Muppet movie like I had suggested. Michael said he wanted to stay home and watch a movie and Vivek decided he wanted to go home and crash so Michael and Debby and I went to the family room, I spread a quilt on the floor and went to sleep. I slept for so long and so soundly that Michael and Deb got up and ate cheesecake and I didn't even know it.

When I awakened I realized that the reason I had no appetite was because I had a true migraine. Argh. I took some pain killers, but it didn't help. I sipped a ginger ale so my blood sugar wouldn't plummet. I tried taking a bath. I tried some of the usual tricks to no avail. By 3am I had slept a little more, but was up and dry heaving and crying in the bathroom. :( Sadness. I decided it was close enough to morning to take the meds with caffeine and eventually went back to sleep. When I woke up again the pain had reduced to the foggy/hangover stage. I was able to make it to work. I only sipped ginger ale and nibbled pretzels until lunch. At lunch I went home and had some leftovers. I also tasted the cheesecake. I swear it is one of the best cheesecakes I have ever made. It is so good I brought it back here and I'm trying to make sure it gets eaten up. I usually hardly even eat my cheesecakes, but I am afraid I will eat more than one piece of this one and it is not even chocolate - that is how good it is. Since I ate I feel a little bit queasy, but I don't think vomiting will occur. As the morning pain killers wear off my head hurts a little bit, but I am going to try to make it the rest of the day with no more medicine.

I still have cleaning up to do at home - I never actually got it all clean to start with. Listen - I was so relaxed I actually had people over without freaking out about the house and I was late serving dinner! I hardly believe it's me. The bad part is that I feel weird about it now. It was the first time Vivek came over and he probably thinks I let the house be like that all the time. I hate to tell somebody who is just getting to know me that I basically had a migraine that lasted a month and getting to work and surviving had to be the first priority. eek! I hope the new doctor might have some more solutions. So far the "alternative" healing methods don't seem to have helped much. I am probably ready to try a medical approach again, but not a million drugs like Dr. Andry.

I'd like to go downtown tonight to the tree lighting ceremony. I feel like I need to take plan making about an hour at a time and just see how I feel. If I get all excited about going and then feel too bad to go I will just be really disappointed. I think I am treating myself like a three year old, but that is about the way I feel about the holidays!

Despite it all I am grateful, glad Deb felt comfortable coming over - things have been tense with her unusual situation. Even though she is not staying with me right now I feel like our roles are a little bit different than they have ever been. It's a dance we don't really know. I'm glad Michael came home from the Occupation for a couple of nights. It meant a lot to me, not just because I needed his help, but because even though he drives me nuts when he lives at home, I still miss him! When I hurt so badly last night he really sweetly tried to comfort me. He is truly one of the most compassion-driven people I know. I'm glad Emily called me today (maybe this should go on tonight's entry) and we had a nice little talk. I'm a little sad because it was while I was still working on the morning online submissions and I couldn't pay full attention or talk as long as I would have liked, but she was on her work break so she probably really couldn't have talked too much longer anyway.

It's still WEDNESDAY...

Baking pies. Numbers nine and ten are in the oven. Either cheesecake or sleep next - maybe a little of both.

So very grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. I just commented on somebody's Facebook thread (back a little more today, but still being careful what I read) tonight how the friendships I have renewed and the contacts I have made have enriched my life and the lives of my children. I think that even though Facebook can pull people apart, so can it invite a quick kind of intimacy, whether with old friends or new, that can strengthen bonds. It is up to the users to bring those relationships into real life and make sure that we use it as a communication tool and not in a way that can isolate us. So yes I am grateful for the wonderful people and for the tools we utilize.

It's still TUESDAY...

I've been packaging, labeling, photographing... TRUFFLES!

So that reminds me that I am SO, SO, SO, happy to have my digital camera! It has paid for itself ten times over in savings on film and developing. PLUS the photos are right there... no taking them in to get processed and picking them up again, no rolls of film lounging in drawers for years, waiting to be processed. I bought it the first time Michael went to Science Olympiad Nationals. I figured if my son was going to win a National Science Contest I was going to have pictures and I do!

Truffles...

Not the kind pigs find...the CANDY kind. They are pretty yummy. I am a little worried about getting these ready in time. I am also a little worried about getting all the preparations for Thanksgiving complete in time.

SO I need to get to bed so I can get some sleep and work hard tomorrow. I am grateful for the skills I have learned by starting my little business. So far I haven't made ANY money, quite the opposite... I still feel like I have faith I can do this. If I truly had some working capital I could succeed. And if it never happens, if I decide to end it tomorrow, I will still feel that way.

Linky Love.

http://www.chicagonow.com/moms-who-drink-and-swear/2011/11/make-sure-your-kids-know-that-monsters-are-real/

I love Nikki. I wish I could meet her sometime when I go visit Emily.

Thanks, Kim.

I did give myself permission last night to not hold myself to any standard at all. Unfortunately it came AFTER I had a freak out and "yelled" at Emily on Facebook, then left a screaming crying message on her voice mail. I still haven't really spoken to her in voice yet - only online. I need to make sure I am not so psycho anymore.

I think I am so psycho because I just haven't seen Emily for so long and she also used to call me at least once a week maybe more, while she walked home from work. Now she has a car and drives to work. I miss our talks, but I can't get my head wrapped around calling her while I am at work, then by the end of the day I am so tired of talking on the phone that I don't do it.

Also with Michael Occupying Bloomington, there is not just the missing him factor there is a worry factor. When he lived in the dorm last year I missed him and I worried about his depression. This year I am worried that he is not getting enough food and I am worried about him getting arrested and I am worried about his safety. So far Mark the Mayor has said it is okay for them to live in the park as long as they are peaceful. He has even okayed that they rent port-a-potties and put them in the park. After seeing that footage of the U.C. Davis cops spraying the kids last night I was just sick. That is why I have decided to stay off Facebook until at least the end of the week this week. I jump on for about a minute at a time and make sure there are no messages and that is it.

It's a little bit strange to live mostly without Facebook. I have become so used to using it as a communication device and also just to post my thoughts. For example today as I was watching The Office I was thinking of Michael Scott and how he is one of the best examples of a well-written "Lovable Buffoon" character and how there are some examples of how he is consciously using the buffoonery as a management tool, yet other examples of how he is truly an innocent... If I can't get a thesis out of Buffy, maybe Michael Scott can be my subject.

That is all.

I am grateful for the electric roaster Mom and Dad gave me several years ago that I hated at the time. Now I have found it is a fantastic cooker of beans. I've made refried beans in there then frozen them. Last night and tonight I cooked four pounds of white beans and made a fantastic pot of beans, then made a double batch of corn muffins. It was dinner for a lot of people! I think next I am going to try to make a big load of baked potatoes, then serve them with different toppings and stuff. I love my electric roaster that I said I would never use!

Feeling negative.

I don't want to do anything. I don't want to blog or write in any way. I don't want to be on Facebook any more. I am tired of cooking and cleaning. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to go to counseling. I don't want to work. I don't want to read. I am tired.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Sweet nothing. I came right home after work. All have done since my return is clean and nap and watch TV on Netflix.

I am grateful for nothing.

Stressed...

I called Michael tonight because I was still in town after my massage. I wanted to see if he might like to hang out at Player's Pub with me and I would feed him some yummy food. He has lost about five non-affordable pounds and that makes me worry. When he answered I asked, "What's up?" and he replied "I'm facilitating a very contentious GA." (GA = Occupy Bloomington General Assembly). I started reading on the OB Facebook page a little bit ago and they are falling apart a little bit. There has become some division between the long-time occupants of the park and the Occupants. I've worried a lot about that the entire time, but tried to give everybody a fair chance. One staunch Occupant, a leader (even though they are supposed to have a "horizontal" structure) has already called it quits. I hope if it is getting rough that Michael comes home quickly. I don't want hm to be a quitter, but I don't want him to endanger his health, his scholarships, his anything. He may need to learn that little actions can be meaningful in addition or maybe even instead of a group action. That said, I am grateful that he has had his time there to feel a part of an exceptional, strong-believing community. I know he has learned a lot - I mean MY GOD! He was FACILITATING A MEETING! I am glad I went to Player's Pub to hear Maryll sing, but I wish I would have jumped on the internet sooner so it wouldn't have been too late to call Michael and check in.

Super glad

I am so grateful I hired the Hoosier Disposal to do my trash. They also pick up the recycling. My garage was OUT OF CONTROL. After only two weeks I am going to be able to get my car in the garage before it gets really cold or snows. Very few trips to the dump now, because the only thing they don't take is glass. I have guys who come pick up my metal to scrap it so that will be taken care of easily (Hoosier would take it, but I'd rather help these guys make money.) I feel a little bit badly about leaving my local guy to go to a national company. When I called to cancel John, I talked to the girl and told her the minute they take recycling to call me and I would go back. She said they are working on it.

I was so exhausted at the end of the work day today I had to come home and sleep. I've also slept off and on through the evening. After I woke up from the first rest I made a pot of chili and took it downtown and also picked up Michael. He came home and met with a bass player and they played together. I guess Michael is back to auditioning for his progressive metal band. This guy was pretty good and they played for over two hours. I slept periodically and watched The Office episodes on Netflix. I might take some Benedryl and watch another episode while it kicks in, then I will head to bed.

and... WOOT! Emily is off work the weekend of December 3 & 4 so Michael and I are heading to the land up north to go visit. I can't wait.

Title lacking!

Sinus headache today - I had to take Sudafed. Therefore I slept on my lunch hour and slept a little when I returned home. I didn't get home until after 8:00. Michael and I went to the Memorial Service for Don Swank this evening. It was a nice service. This church hosts a shelter in the summertime so the Pastor knew Don and it was a pretty personal service. I like the idea of that church and I am thinking of volunteering at their shelter next summer.

I went downtown in between work and the service and took Michael out to dinner. I am so glad I have a good relationship with my children. Emily actually sounded kind of wistful a couple of days ago when she said, "I want you to come visit me." We're working on it! Today's MeYou Health challenge was to pay somebody a genuine compliment. I had looked at the challenge earlier today, but I wasn't really thinking of it when I told Michael he's a good boy. When I looked at it again tonight I was really happy that I am able to say nice things to my children and that they truly are wonderful people!

So - watching "Hoarders" tonight...

I pegged one family as Mormon. It seems to me that there are many visibly Mormon families featured on the show. Telltale signs include artwork, clothing, location and vocabulary. It reminded me of my own post last night, reveling in my grapefruit spoons and how they remind me of my grandmother.

I pondered:

Sometimes I wonder if there are so many Mormons on "Hoarders" because the family history thing teaches people to attach an actual spiritual value to objects.

and got several replies:

• Joy Shayne Laughter Really? Interesting! I'll take Buddhism's non-attachment and meditations on impermanence any day.

  about an hour ago · · 1
• 

  Hope E Golightly Me too!

  about an hour ago ·
• 

  Ken Spaulding Mormons are nothing if not materialistic...

  about an hour ago ·
• 

  Hope E Golightly I don't want to click "Like" because I don't like it, but I definitely agree. Maybe I was too poor to stay Mormon!

  about an hour ago · · 1
• 

  Ken Spaulding FB needs an "agree" button more than a "like" button

  about an hour ago ·
• 

  Hope E Golightly Agree!

  about an hour ago ·
• 

  Ken Spaulding You agree...but you don't like it. OK

  59 minutes ago · · 1
• 

  Nan Harvey

  Interesting. Does the Mormon family history thing include keeping items that belonged to their ancestors? I'm not Mormon, but the genealogy thing does make me hang on to old photos and heirlooms more than I might have otherwise. I'm driven more by puzzle solving when I work on genealogy, though there is a spiritual aspect to feeling the connection between myself and those became before, as well as the interconnection with people living today....See More

  49 minutes ago ·
• 

  Nora Chisnell Food storage!

  42 minutes ago · · 1
• 

  Mylese Tucker I've never been taught to attach a spiritual value to an object.

  33 minutes ago ·
• 

  Nora Chisnell And saving supplies (crap) for the apocalypse.

  32 minutes ago · · 1
• Sarah Pechin Pacheco Born and raised Mormon, and have never put a spiritual attachment to an object, nor have I ever heard of that. Ever. I know a lot of hoarders who aren't Mormon, it seems to be a personality trait more than anything.

  29 minutes ago ·
• 

  Joe Manning psychometry

  28 minutes ago ·
• 

  Missy Too At least in the past, my family was crazy with food storage. Store, then toss. Now they mostly hoard things bought at the mall, gift others to the storehouse, other members, then buy some more. The Shopalot Ward, Mall Branch!

  27 minutes ago · · 1
• 

  Hope E Golightly The Spirit of the Lord is the spirit of love that may eventually overcome all human family estrangements as it builds bridges between the generations. It binds beloved grandparents, now deceased, with the grandchildren who never knew them by preserving and sharing their histories and keepsakes. (From Mormon dot org.)

  21 minutes ago ·
• 

  Hope E Golightly

  Diaries, scrapbooks, letters, and copies of speeches will yield more information about your relatives than a lock of hair, a handcrafted item, or a personal belonging. But don’t disregard such personal artifacts! They evoke a love and emotion more informational items cannot reproduce. Such artifacts can also contribute photographic and emotional substance to a compiled personal history. (Ensign Magazine February 1987).

  13 minutes ago ·
• 

  Hope E Golightly I'm sure there is more documentation, but I need to do my bedtime rituals and I am not an arguer.

  9 minutes ago ·
• 

  Markie Ellett hehehe....I love ex-followers.

  2 minutes ago ·
• 

  Hope E Golightly I'm not a bitter Ex - just observational.

  about a minute ago · <br>

(Note to Too) I would try to hide peoples' names, but I figure if they post it on Facebook it's already public.)

But the true observation is that those who are still "safely" ensconced in Mormonism had one perspective, the Ex-Mormons recognize it in the same way I do (except Joe, who seems strangely passive!), and the Never Mormons just seem curious. I don't really intend to ever spark a political or religious discussion, I seriously just don't care for it. I venture to say, however, that I am glad my little question quickly rendered some comments. When I watch Hoarders or Biggest Loser or shows about morbid obesity it is often with a dual reason 1) To scare myself out of unhealthy behavior by observing how negative results can be 2) a little Schadenfreude, "at least I'm not that bad." I think my feelings tonight were sparked by my own recent joy in a fucking grapefruit spoon.

I want to be able to enjoy my favorite things, but I need to remember that the joy is truly the memory of the person and events that the objects represent. There is no intrinsic spiritual value and no reward except personal satisfaction or historical knowledge to be gained in the retention or maintenance of such items.

It sounds silly, but I am grateful for Hoarders! I'm also grateful that I have the intellectual capacity and the ability to enjoy it as entertainment and at the same time to gain a little knowledge that should help me in my personal growth - I'm not flawed or bad because I value objects and keep too many, I was trained that way, not only by the behaviors of my family of origin, but by the belief system in which I was emerged.

Nom! Nom! Nom!

I Love grapefruit. I love my grapefruit spoons. My grandma had them and I always wanted them when I grew up and I have them! I won't take Lipitor because you can't eat grapefruit when you do.

I am grateful for Aldi because grapefruit were onky thirty-nine cents today. They are a dollar at Kroger!

I'm up too late

but I slept late this morning and was VERY lazy until afternoon. When I finally got going I went shopping for close to four hours.. I went to TJ Maxx, Big Lots, Sam's Club and Goodwill. I decided I was on a quest for some Christmas gifts today. Although we haven't had the official "home made or second hand" last year and this year I would like to stick to it as much as possible, for both financial and sustainability reasons. I found a couple of small things today that are good starting points. Now I just need a blowtorch... :)

I am grateful today that my feet let me shop today. They complained, but not enough to make me give in. Sometimes the effects set in the day after, we'll see.

I'm glad Emily called me today and genuinely wanted to see me and Michael. Sometimes I feel so separated from her. I miss her terribly. She's never been the clinging type so I know not to expect it. I am the clingy type, but I try to repress it so I don't bother her. Emily, I love you dearly and I can't wait to see you soon! Do you have a blowtorch?

Mimi died.

As usual. It was a beautiful death. I wonder if the singers have special lessons on how to sing while lying down... La Traviata has one of the most beautiful death solos... if I recall correctly it is also quite long. I remember thinking (even though it was beautiful) "just DIE already!" Tonight I was inwardly patient with Mimi's death, but my restless and painful legs were twitching and jerking from a long day at the office and then sitting some more. I stood and walked a little or did calf raises during intermissions but I was definitely reminded why I don't usually like to go out or do anything on Fridays.

I am so glad to live in this town where I can see professional quality operas and concerts - about a fifteen minute drive and about thirty dollars. I wonder how much a ticket to the Met costs.

I don't know what to post tonight.

I am so grateful for music. It is a link between people. Right now it is a link with history. One of my friends found a recording of the opera singer of whose stuff I purchased a lot of to keep it from being destroyed. I've had the items for a couple of years and I am deciding what to do, keep/sell ??? I mailed a couple of the books to a friend today. I have some very personal items in addition to books, sheet music, playbills and such. Listening to this recording makes it all seem more real.

Tonight I watched Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" I love it so much. I never thought I would like her because when she first started being played on the radio it seemed like she was just a teenybopper pop star who wore a lot of makeup. After I actually listened to a song and realized what an incredible vocalist she is I was blown away. I still don't know a lot of her music because my radio station doesn't play it. I need to make an effort to listen to more of it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAfyFTzZDMM&ob=av2e

Hmmm....

I don't even know what I want to write tonight. I'm really grateful for friends.

I'm grateful that I was able to have John Lennon alive for part of my life. On the way downtown tonight I listened to the radio and they did the "time capsule" from 1980. It occurred to me that he died right after that album...(Double Fantasy) was released. Michael wasn't even born until 1991. He has always lived a life when John Lennon was an historical figure, no more real than George Washington is for me, maybe. I guess we have video of John, but it's still so ethereal ... I felt like crying when I thought of all this.

I guess I can only hope that there will be other examples of peace and enlightenment for today's youth to follow. Maybe these people working toward the current call for change will be the next round of heroes. Maybe the kids living in the park ARE the heroes.

Very strange.

I told Deb Ochs about three weeks ago I would make buttermilk pie for her. We were talking about her grandma, who had given me a Christmas tree that I used for several years when Emily was a baby. Deb said one of the best memories of her grandma was of her buttermilk pie. So I said I'd make one, researched recipes, bought buttermilk about a week ago and still didn't make it. Finally tonight after Scrabble club I made two of the pies. After I put them in the oven I texted Deb. She called me back and told me her grandma died today.

Today I am thankful for synchronicity, for Scrabble Club, for smart and funny people who like to play Scrabble and for kind people in the world. With the violence in the world it is easy to be sad, then something wonderful will happen and I get a little faith restored.

I'm going to La Boheme Friday night. I think that will make it the opera I have seen the most time. I know that will be at least three and maybe four times.

Well...

As far as sleep, last night was a loser! I guess that tonight I just hope to get back to the six or seven hours I had for a few nights in a row before last night. The strange part was that I started to bed early, well before 10:00, and still ended up not actually getting into bed until just about 12:00. Maybe it has to do with the time change, but I don't really think so. I don't think an hour has ever been enough to throw me off. I wonder if I am more sensitive to it this year because my sleep has been so much more disturbed then ever.

I went to Christine tonight. Frighteningly, (key word in my life...) I feel like the EFT helped tonight. It almost scares me to say that because then I will have top make some kind of commitment to getting better and I will just fuck it up all over again. I guess here's to one more fresh start!?

Tonight I plan to look at my vision board some more. I will think not just that I want to be all those dreams, ideas and notions, but that I already am those dreams, ideas, and notions. What I need to figure out is how to manifest those things in a way that satisfies my emotional, physical, mental and spiritual needs to my satisfaction and is motivated by love and not guilt. Way deep here for just before bedtime.

I feel guilty (Argh. Urgh.) that I didn't bake a cheesecake to take to Scrabble tomorrow. YOU know what? If I had done it instead of resting I would have stayed up too late and not even been able to enjoy Scrabble time anyway! It's important that I go wide awake, feeling good, and happy. I will be more fun and SMARTER that way.

It was Marvy, Harvey!

Urgh. Did all my shopping and errands yesterday, including a trip to the evil empire. It was two hours of sheer hell. Eric and I went to dinner afterward. We went to Waffle House - I haven't been there in maybe 15 years... The food was kind of grody, really, but it is a good place to talk. Eric is having drama with his friends he hangs out with. I long for the day he realizes that many of them are toxic people in his life and that he will be better off without them. I really care about him and I think he would be so much happier. I kind of said so last night, but I think he really doesn't want to let them go. There must be something he gets from these friendships that I just can't see.

I spent most of today watching a movie in intervals, spliced with cooking. I made an enchilada casserole and corn cake.. I really enjoyed my cooking and housework today. The movie I watched was called "A Little Help." I chose it because Jenna Fisher from The Office was in it. I really liked it. Oh! I also watched one with Luke Wilson called "Tenure." I liked it, too. I took the food downtown and attended most of a General Assembly meeting. I am starting to feel more comfortable speaking up and I am getting to know some of the people. The second portion of the meeting was spent discussing the man who died the other night - Don Swank. One of his friends sort of eulogized him. That was very nice. The people from the camp who had discovered him and tried to revive him sort of told how it went. I feel like they needed to tell it as much as some of us needed to hear it.

Now I am just relaxing. I need to do a little cleaning and try to get to bed at a decent hour. The latter part of last week I had a maybe three nights where I slept six or seven hours a night. I awakened, but was able to go back to sleep fairly quickly. Saturday I spent most of the day without a headache, today also. I did feel pretty sinus-y today and it finally began to morph into a headache about dinner time. I did go ahead at take a sudafed and some ibuprofen and I never got to be in so much pain that I felt like I couldn't do what I wanted to do.

Here is my positive affirmation for tonight: When I go to bed I will be able to reflect on the positive portions of this weekend. I will fall asleep replaying happiness and thoughts of peace and will have not just restful, but joyful sleep!

Now it's still Saturday!

I went to Nashville to meet Kim C. and a couple of her friends for lunch. I'm not much of a recreational shopper, but I stuck around for a couple of hours and shopped too. I even actually purchased something - a pair of earrings and a flying pig "stone" - whimsical...

I went down to the Occupation and sat in on the end of a discussion session and knitted while I listened. Michael came home with me to eat and do laundry and we watched an episode of "Buffy" together (except I napped). Last night I had gone down and taken dinner to the Occupants. One of the previously homeless drunks talked to me and Michael. He kept showing me his heart tattoo and said several times, "My heart beats for you." I was a little bit stressed by his insistence at talking to me and asked Michael to "protect" me from the drunks - mostly from discomfort, psychologically - I had nothing to fear physically. The drunk (Don) went to bed and died in his sleep overnight. I feel a little bit freaked out about it and a little bit grateful that I probably made his last meal that didn't come out of a bottle. I hope he died peacefully.

It's still Friday

If I say it enough or rationalize perfectly it's true! Using the "I haven't gone to bed yet" is the best method.

My positive thought/affirmation/occurrence or whatever is fairly general. I had a good day. My head didn't hurt until the end of the day. I made money, I helped people, I laughed... things were good. Thanks! I needed that.

Through a fly's eyes...

I've been looking at my vision board each night before I sleep, trying to harvest some positive affirmations as I doze off and trying to ward away nightmares. A couple of nights ago the phrase "Living Light" leaped into my mind. When I cut it out and posted it on my board I considered the phrase as a synonym to "sustainable living" - making choices that build a lifestyle that uses resources wisely, the resources of the earth, my financial resources, preserving my material goods, using them wisely and sharing them as able. I've realized over the past couple of days that I can interpret that phrase a few different ways:

I am trying to Live Lightly in regards to my physical health, eating with portion control, using whole foods as close to their natural state as possible, taking fewer medications, using natural wholistic healing methods. I am literally trying to become a lighter person, to reduce my mass so that I reduce my pain and am more physically able.

I am trying to develop my spirituality, to embrace the light within myself and discover the source thereof. I want to become comfortable with whatever power that is and be able to use it for personal growth, to enrich my own life and to empower me to enrich the lives of others.

I want to be in a spotlight. I want to develop my talents in music, acting, reading, writing, in ways of performing and assisting others as they perform. I was recently reminded of the joy of doing makeup, costume, sets in the drama world and realize I want to be a part of that life again.

I need to be in the sunlight. I need to be outside. I need to walk, ride and bask in the living sunlight and enjoys nature's gifts.

I want to "lighten up" - to view life with humor and optimism and hope. I want to get out of my funk and share joy, yea verily, to emanate peace from my very heart!

I can be the "Living Light" to myself and to others. The light will rise from within and my eyes will glow - just like "Children of the Corn." (just kidding on that one)

Lovely - the group has consensus.

I really enjoy when I go down to the Occupation. Michael is nice, plus the other people really do their best to make me feel welcome. I got a big hug and an "I love you," from one sweet guy. Admitted, it was after he saw the large pan of peach crisp, but he didn't HAVE to do it at all. :)

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

It's National Blog Posting Month. I'm trying to decide if I want to continue with the gratitude theme or skip to something else. I want to do something that is positive. I'm quite despairing of some of the situations in life right now. I feel like I cannot conquer my health problems. I feel out of control of my physical environment. I feel like my financial situation will never improve. That's all the negative...well some of the negative. Here are some positives... I'm thinking...I'm thinking...I'm thinking...Oh! I didn't eat at home all day so the dirty dish volume did not increase. OKay, one positive. I will posit some more tomorrow.