I know it's not real, but I've been watching Desperate Housewives. It's entertaining, but it makes me wonder - do people really lie to each other all the time? Every bump that comes in the housewives friendships or families seems to happen because somebody is dishonest with somebody else.

A few times in my life I have been hurt in some way or lost something by trusting people. I always want to assume that everyone is as nice as I am. Maybe I should start thinking another way, that people are usually dishonest and I need to do what I can to protect myself. It sounds like a miserable way to live.

I feel petty talking about something that seems so trivial, with the occurrence yesterday of the horrible elementary school shooting in Connecticut. What if those families, that school system, those teachers had chosen to live without trusting that public school is a safe place for children, that visitors to the school should be welcome, that classrooms are happy places? Would all  those families be doing the same old Saturday stuff today?

Maybe I am just rambling now. This really just started because I was going to make a FB post of the first paragraph, but then I started feeling like it is not profound enough to be posted when we are feeling this grief as a nation.  Maybe I'm just embarrassed to be so shallow. I want to stay home and watch Desperate Housewives through the end of the show. It's rainy and cold and gray. I can't think of a better day to stay home alone all day. Tonight is Heather's choir show, though and Lisa and John and the babies want me to come visit. There's medicine to pick up at the store and more things I could be doing. Sigh.

and the linens didn't even match.

 Heather and Ian helped set up the spread quickly,

 'cause Heather was starving and about to rip my head off.

 Michael B.

 Cetti Cherniak

 Cetti, Michael and Shaun Wilson

 Ken (standing), Charlie Poole, Cetti, Shaun

 Jerry, Ian

 Ian and Heather

 Michael and Ken

 Maryll Jones sang some original songs. Ken DJed some dance tunes.

 Michael

 Cetti

 Shaun

 Stephanie McGee came after she got off work.

One of the best Thanksgiving dinners ever. I set out determined to not stress out. We ended up with 10 dining, buffet style in the driveway! The weather was too beautiful to stay in a stuffy house.

Ahhhh!!!!

Gordon

An exchange between my BIL Bryce  and my 3yr old Grant.

Uncle Bryce: Grant, you're cute.
Grant: No. I awesome!

Like · · 46 minutes ago near Albuquerque, NM ·

• 
  
• Ashley Price and 3 others like this.
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  Hope E Golightly Awesome in action.
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  Unnamed commenter:

  Share  Good that Grant knows "cute" is just for girls.

   
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  Hope E Golightly ^^^ Dislike.

   

  Names altered to protect the dumb ass. I want to shout in caps "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?"  But I refrained. Aren't you proud of me?

I haven't got time for the pain.

People say that humans can't remember pain. It's probably mostly true, or no woman would ever have more than one child! Lately however, I feel like I do remember some pain and it is frightening me. A few weeks ago I sliced a finger on the edge of a tin can lid, doing something stupidly, but that's life. last week I nicked my thumb while slicing onions. I remember exactly how both of those felt, and I can see the events in my mind's eye and they keep playing over and over and.. you get the idea. I am getting scared of opening cans and slicing things. So far I haven't let it stop me from cooking or doing anything that I would usually do, but it is getting close. Neither of the cuts was even serious, not a lot of blood, no stitches, not even a visit to the ER. I don't know how to make myself stop thinking about them.

Similarly, I've had issues walking because I am afraid of falling or twisting my ankle. I think this comes from me thinking that my past two years of feeling crappier than usual are related to the physical and emotional energy I leaked after I sprained my ankles and broke my knee. I'm really frustrated that I am feeling good, but I am having this mental block to doing the movement I want and need to be doing to increase my health even more.

In better news I am having a cooking day with soup for a friend fighting cancer and some "Vampire cupcakes" that will ooze fake blood - I hope.

 I made this one inspired by the quote from the TV show, Louie. I thought I'd have a bowl of rice because it is kind of the universal food often supplied for hunger relief. I already had the photo of quinoa, however, and most people probably won't recognize unless they look really closely. Quinoa is better anyway!

 This is the first Meme I made. It is in response to a quotation of Kurt Vonnegut, but the original is full of "don'ts" and I prefer to hear and try to use positive speech. I may try to redo this one and attribute "adapted from Kurt Vonnegut," but I didn't know who it was when I made this.

I made this to use for a photo on a Facebook page I made to put the Memes on.

Bacon Meme

I've really enjoyed making "Memes" this week. This is my third one. I've only made them using my own photos because I don't want anybody feeling like I shouldn't have used their photo. I've had this quotation (I also want to always attribute quotations properly) in my head all week. This is the first photo I have taken specifically to make into a meme.

Twenty Dollars

Last week when we did dinner in the park I heard a couple of the "Parkies" talking. One of them said, "If I just knew I would wake up every day with twenty dollars in my pocket that would be the good life."  I think about how much I have and how much I waste and feel humbled. I will admit that there are times I don't have $20 in my pocket, or even in my bank account, but I wake up in a house every single day. I get in my car and drive every single day. I have (too much) food to eat every single day. All that is worth millions.

Leaving, on a ...

well, the guy said it would most likely be an Aveo or a Cruz... I am taking a journey tomorrow to go see a comedian Louis C.K. in St. Louis (and you know I LOVE that!). He has a TV show and the first 2 seasons are on Netflix and I have watched many of the episodes repeatedly. He's true and amazing and raunchy and honest - my kind of guy. It's ended up being some kind of epic birthday trip. I am frankly abashed at the expense I have paid for this trip, but it grew one little thing at a time... It's probably my annual retreat for 2013, a couple of months early!

Somehow, I think FNB is going to be pulled off this weekend and I am happy for that. Last week seriously at the last minute, Ross posted that he had acquired a load of food and he and I cooked and got it to the park about 6:30.  We need to get a routine established and enough regular people so some of us can go on trips, or study, or work, or be sick, or sleep and there is still dinner at the park for those who need it. We still need equipment to make it work when it's cold, too. I think I am going to ask a local attorney for some money for equipment, because the parkies respect him and say he talks to them. We'll see.

Deep shit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_NspDWssIY

I watched that video tonight and I loved it and shared it with Lisa because she and John have begun their parenting journey. I went to the store and on the way home I realized I have a profound grief for parenting my children alone. I don't know if it will ever get better. I think all I can do is bury it deep, deep inside and go on. Alone.

Life in Alabama...

So in the courtroom scene there are times when we are supposed to react and say nonsense to make a ruckus. The director told us he should not hear any recognizable dialogue, so most of us just say, "burble, burble, rutabaga" and such. The woman next me me the entire time has said real sentences often using "nigger." Tonight after Atticus called Tom Robinson the the stand she turned to me and said. "I can't believe they're going to let a nigger testify in court." I turned back to her and replied, "I really don't like it when you say 'nigger' even though we are in a play!" behind my fan. I have been TORN UP about this and wanting to say something the entire time we have been rehearsing and performing this show. I am so glad I finally said something. We tried the indirect approach - I told my friend who is in the colored balcony about it and when all the the townspeople were discussing burbling she said, "We can hear it when you say real words when you're talking." It didn't seem to get the message through... Even if she doesn't change her behavior I don't feel that the tacit agreement is implied by my non- reaction. Phew!

Life in Indiana...

I did some financial finagling and with Gillian's assistance have the money to get a new roof. When I told Cooper is is leaking when it rains and getting worse he juggled the schedule, the materials will arrive tomorrow and he got started on the gutter work to get ready today. Yay!

Michael moved out to a non-capitalist living arrangement so my dish issues are over. I'm worried though, because I have sent him messages and called him and he has not responded. I am going to call the violin shop tomorrow afternoon if I don't hear from him by then.

Ironic...

The first time I ever felt like music could sort of um... "excite" me was watching a certain rendition of the Stones Start Me Up. Tonight I was doodling around on YouTube, which I rarely do, and landed on Maroon 5 Moves like Jagger, and instantly thought their front guy, Adam Levine, is incredibly hot. He's shirtless and wearing these low-cut pants and...

Real life

We have Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off and don't do another show until Thursday. I am going to be back in real life work and house and try to rest. I'm excited about doing more shows and when this show is over we will be closer to auditions for the Wizard of Oz and I will have some more connections in the theater community. There was a review in the paper today and the courtroom scene got a good review, so did the principal actors. I'm especially pleased for Emily Scott and Ian Martin, their first professional roles and they're young and talented and eager and I love being around them about a million times more than some of the snobby old actors!

Woo hoo!

Last night was the real opening night, even though it was our third performance, one preview and one student matinee came first. It was wonderful. I am back in love with the theatre.  I've had some little health hangups, like I can't eat before a performance, and my feet still hurt. I've been able to cope with them and really participate fully. I even accidentally volunteered to be a scene changer all through the second act and I am doing well. So happy. I feel like even if something would happen and I never am able to do anything theatre again I will never say I wish..." The wish is already come true.

Y-a-w-n...

I love being in "To Kill A Mockingbird." The adult cast, especially Mayella and Tom Robinson are absolutely amazing. During the courtroom scene the testimonies are riveting.

It's hard on me physically. Long hours sitting after long hours sitting at the office. AND during the day I play the role of interested, funny, kind salesperson. At night I play the role of gossipy southern lady trial audience. Both are draining! Last night I wore my costume shoes and my feet felt like raw meat afterward. I went to the store today and bought foot cushions and moleskin to try tomorrow night. Last night after that long rehearsal I didn't sleep. I was up or restless most of the night. I went home after work and my stop at Dollar General and went to bed. I slept over two hours, until 7:46. Charlie had said he would come over and help me get the garage ready and bring in the Food Not Bombs equipment from my car. When I called him after I awakened I think he could tell I was still really tired so we are putting it on hold again.

Tomorrow night is a four and a half hour rehearsal, finally in the theatre. Both of my children have performed at the Buskirk Chumley on multiple occasions and I never have. I think this is a fine little spot of how my life is turning around as an "empty nester."

The Sky is falling

and it is taking the house with it. $4500 or so will fix this little problem. Sigh.

Gnoll, the pit bull

We cooked over at Ross's house tonight and these are a couple of his roommates! I had a headache so I reclined on a couch a bit and Gnoll kept me company. Charlie was cooking with us and he threatened to take a photo and record it for history, but I felt too yucky to consent tonight. I still have this deep inner fear that Gnoll will turn around and clamp down on my face, but he's pretty calm, really. If I have to spend time with a pit bull, it would be Gnoll.

Deep breath.

I'm feeling a little better now, listening to classic rock and baking.

It rained last night and my ceiling leaked some more. I need to make a decision and make the financial arrangements and get the roof done.

Work was really hard. Christie quit and moved to Alabama and her replacement hasn't started yet, and even when she does this job takes FOREVER to really learn.

Food Not Bombs is so disorganized it's driving me crazy. We couldn't get our act together for cooking tonight and I spent time figuring out that it could not be done. I suggested a do-over for tomorrow and that is in the works.

Going back and forth trying to camp with Scarlett this week and not getting any sleep really wore me out.

I built nap time into between Farmer's Market and FNB cooking so I hope I can get rested and feel better.

Gotta go wash dishes and start packaging.

Everything turns to shit.

I am having one of those nights where I just want to scream, "No matter how hard I try everything just turns to shit!!" I know it's really not true. I am tired. I am hungry. I am discouraged. I feel lack of support in some of my efforts. I am going to eat and rest a little and if I feel better I will cook for Farmers' Market tomorrow. If I still feel like this I am going to go to a movie or go to bed! I will return and report.

Writing Workshop.

I went to a mini writing workshop tonight - a "sampler" offered to let people experiment and see if they want to undertake an entire 13 week session. We did a "fast write" exercise with fifteen minutes to write and it was based on "postcards." One of the choices was to write three postcards, as if they were from the same place, but at different time. My brother Bobby is on my mind today because it would have been his 60th birthday.

Dear Deanna -

Here I am in Utah at Bobby and Karen's house. It's nice to see him and his family living with a fair amount of security, compared to what it was like in the earlier days for their family. All the children are busy and seem to be happy. The house is big, with enough room for everybody. The neighborhood is full of friendly people and church is about three blocks away. Gotta go - the whole crew is going camping and I have to help get ready!


 Dear Deanna -

Back in Utah on another summer vacation We're actually driving down to Arizona to go to the Grand Canyon and hike. The kids are so busy that only Barbara and Angela are coming with us. They are the ones who are nearest to Em & M in age, so I guess it's okay. The rest have jobs or school or lessons they have to stay to do. Karen's not even coming. She's going to stay in Las Vegas to help Amber, who is on bed rest.

Love you!  Hopie


Dear Deanna -

Back in Utah and it's very quiet. Everybody takes turns sitting with Bobby. It's getting to where we listen so carefully, thinking each breath might be the last. Becca and Ang are the only ones who still live here. Everyone else had to drive or fly. It's strange to see the mountains only in the distance and know that Bobby will never take me camping or hiking or skiing again. The family takes so much comfort in their faith. Even though I am not up in the mountains this year I am deep, deep in the wilderness - and all alone this time.

I am Camping, right?

Scarlett invited me to go camping this week. I decided that even though I have to work I would go spend the evenings with her at the campground at Paynetown State Recreation Area. Last night after dinner at the park I came home and got my tent and went out there. Scarlett helped me put up the tent because it is a big one. I can't sleep in hers because she suffers multiple chemical sensitivities and my stuff has all been washed in regular detergent and fabric softener. We sat outside at the picnic table and talked for quite a while. We really had some catching up to do and it was SO nice. It was supposed to rain, but it never got more than a light sprinkle so it was fine. We decided to go to bed maybe 10:30 or so, which is early for me, but I REALLY needed it after baking, market, canning tomatoes, dinner at the park, etc... Well, it turned out my old body no longer likes sleeping on the ground. It felt so hard, and my fat is not distributed evenly, so I have bony edges right where they hurt. I really got very little sleep and my mind was even keeping track of time. Then there were people walking around our campsite, then there were people setting up camp next door, people with dogs, loud people with dogs. I felt like my body had been keeping track of time. I told myself, it could be 12:30 even though it feels like 3:30. I finally gave up and looked at my phone. It was 3:28. Sigh. I gave up. I got up and found my shoes and tiptoed (unnecessarily) over to Scarlett's tent. "Scarlett."(whispered, unnecessarily), "I'm driving into town for peace and quiet!" She completely understood. I tried at first to drive over to a parking lot by a boat ramp and tried to sleep there. It didn't work so around 4:30 I headed toward town, arrived home about 5:00 and came in and slept until about 7:30, then got up and went to work.

Tonight there were storms forecast and Scarlett didn't want to camp in that spot if it were lightning because it's under four tall trees. I'm home tonight. I hope to go out and sleep Tuesday night, then Wednesday after work I will have to go take down the tent and then I have a writing workshop "sampler" at 7:00. So tonight I need to sleep, slee-eep. sleeeee-eeeeep! I've already taken one "Calms Forte" and  I'm going to get sleepy no matter what!

Market Day...

I took the same stuff to the market this week that I did last week. The market was super slow today, so I didn't sell very much stuff.

Today was so nice! I've done so many things I love in the past 24 hours.  Last night I baked, packaged and labeled. Today I went to the market. The story reading lady didn't show up for stories under the big oak tree. I ended up reading 3 books to some children. I came home with a cantaloupe and 25 pounds of tomatoes from the Amish farmer, Amos, next to me. I took a nap. I sat and played my new penny whistle for a long time. I drove Michael and Ross out to the national forest to camp. I came home and started canning. My first batch is 5 pints and they are processing in the water bath right now.

The Blue Book says tomatoes have to process for an hour and 25 minutes, so all these times I have made and canned spaghetti sauce I guess I am lucky we haven't gotten botulism. I've really, really cheated on those by not knowing what I was doing! So badly that I don't want to put it in writing! All I will say is I am glad I finally decided to read. :)  I just took them out and they look funny. I think I am going to go to YouTube and see if there is a video.

I kind of want to do another batch tonight, but then I will end up staying up too late. More tomorrow.

Daily Challenge

Today's Daily Challenge is a writing challenge. It feels difficult to me, I wonder how it feels to people who don't enjoy writing or don't write well. The challenge is to spend five minutes writing about something that is a stressor. I'm going to go for the very short term - right now cleaning my kitchen is a complete stressor to me. I have let it go so often lately. I've committed to have a table at the Smithville Farmers' Market this Saturday. In order to bake cleanly I need to completely clean my kitchen and do the floors. I am overwhelmed. I think that my feelings are also based on the bigger picture. If I make a commitment to sell at the market each week, it will have to push Food Not Bombs to the side both time-wise and energy-wise. I feel very committed to that work, yet I need to get the income and get exposure for Hope's Homemades. I guess one thing I can do to blend the two is take any leftovers to the park. I'm working to find a cooking facility for the weeks we cannot use Banneker Center and if that would come to fruition that would be a big contribution.

Deciding where to spend my energy and my time is difficult. I wish I didn't need money. I'm also pretty committed to my capitalistic lifestyle! I love my house and my "stuff" way too much to risk losing it. Sigh.

BFPC

Bloomington Food Policy Council - a body working to create a Food Charter and present it to be adopted by the City and County governments. People who care about food security for all, sustainability and other delicious issues. Like.

Daily Challenge!!

Today's daily challenge is to write a wish list for the next twelve months and circle the top thing I'd like to achieve. I have to be careful with wish listing and make sure I don't go all uberlist bonkers again. I can think of a couple that are major:
1) Get my body into New Mexico or Arizona and ascertain my relocation goal.
2) Become involved in the Bloomington Food Policy Council.
3) Weight all the way down to 150 - that's about 40 more pounds.

The most likely to occur is number two, because it is pretty immediate. The other two are long term, but able to be accomplished in 12 months.

Ahhhh!

I just made some horrendously bad strawberry cupcakes. I made some before and they were so good, I decided to make some to enter in the county fair. These are seriously probably only good for the trash. I'm going to let them cool a bit and then try again, but I may get to use my day off to rest even though I may not HAVE to!

Zonked!

Between spending time with the children Friday, cooking for family reunion, driving to Lafayette, around Lafayette and back, washing some dishes, baking two cakes this morning and then group cooking for Food Not Bombs, then going to the park, I AM ZONKED. I just lay down for a little bit and it helped, but everything hurts. I plan to take some ibuprofen and hope it helps. I've planned to make cupcakes for the County Fair. I've never done the fair before, but when I learned there is a special category this year for cupcakes, and I've been making so many recipes and stuff I decided to try it.  I hope I haven't put myself out of the running by doing too much. I already took tomorrow off for the fair, but if I end up needing a recovery day it is there. I hope I can do both. I want to make my vegan strawberry cupcakes for the fair. They were SO yummy!

I could have skipped the park part today. Nicole and Charlie had been my fellow cookers and I told them I hit the wall of tired and they both would have understood if I left, but I couldn't. I enjoy serving the food and seeing the people enjoy it too much. I forgot to count today, but we had 77 burritos, there were 4 left when we were done. Most of us also ate and some people took a couple for later, but still a lot of people. There were a couple more families with toddlers there this week. Although I am saddest that they don't have food security, I'm happy to feed them.  I spent the time at the park talking to one woman named Amy who told me some of here history and why she is living at the park and shelters... She actually owns a trailer that is on a rented lot, but she had a fight with her boyfriend earlier this week and she left and let him have the trailer. She says it's mostly his stuff inside and he his worried about his possessions and he doesn't have the savvy to survive the street like she does. I wanted to tell her to go kick his ass out, but I know that's not my role. Sigh, because I really know what's best. For everybody. :)

I ain't your regular babysitter.

I've been really happy that my children are grown, and even though I love him dearly, frankly often been quite annoyed since Michael has been back the past year. So many of my peers and former school chums are grandparents, but I really just haven't felt that desire to be around children again. Then Lisa went and had a couple of babies last December. Twin babies, Cute, twin babies, cute, smart, twin babies. I'm in love.  Chloe and Zoe and gonna be my substitute grandchildren. Good thing too. John and Lisa (and C & Z) live closer than Emily, anyway!

Tonight a quick violent storm rampaged through town bringing high winds, rain and hail. At Josh & Nicole Johnson's house as they sat on the front porch half of the oak tree dropped on the porch, a big oak tree. It smashed the porch, which came crashing down on them and especially got Nicole. We were planning to cook there for Food Not Bombs tonight and that was, um postponed... I ended up going back later because N was still in the emergency room hours later and I thought the children were home alone.  It turned out their grandmother was there, but she didn't really want to be. Zoe hid in her room, because that's what 13 year old girls do best. Uriah and Willow fought over what to watch until I basically told Uriah to let her pick, then we lay down and Willow went to sleep and I let Uriah turn the show to what he wanted. I mostly snoozed with Willow. When Josh & Nicole came home after 6 or 7 hours of X-rays and CAT scans I said, I didn't feed anybody real food, I didn't make anybody brush their teeth, I didn't even make Willow go potty before she went to sleep. All I did was BE THERE.

It's Floradix, and I'm worth it!

Back in May when I was vomiting a lot I went to Karin, the chiropractor. She told me I was really anemic from not absorbing anything. She made several recommendations, one of them to try a tonic that contained a lot of iron from plant sources. I went to Bloomingfoods right away and the only bottle they had was nearly fifty dollars. I was so sad and determined I could not afford it. I went back to work, fairly upset, but didn't say anything. I finally did tell Gillian about the anemic part, but not about the tonic. Later she sent me an email that she really believed in this tonic called Floradix and she would like to buy a bottle for me. That was what Karin had recommended! I thought about it for a few minutes and then I told her about the experience in Bloomingfoods and told her I would accept her gift. She went to a different store and found a smaller bottle that was still pretty expensive, but not as much. SO, the following weeks I took a dose of Floradix whenever I felt like I could drink it without vomiting - it was too expensive to throw up! The past couple of weeks, however, there was only a little bit left in the bottle and I never felt like I should take it. I didn't know why, the vomiting was done, thank goodness, I just never took anymore, even though I felt like it would continue to help my overall nutrition and health - anemia is something I have struggled with throughout my life.

Finally yesterday it hit me. I was afraid to drink the last little bit because I was afraid I would never have it again! I was doing the same thing Heather had done with a bottle of expensive "Happy" body wash that had half an ounce left in it and sat in her tub for at least months, maybe years. So yesterday I went to Bloomingfoods and did it! I bought a new bottle of Floradix! This time they had the smaller bottle, so I only had to invest $27. I came home and took a dose out of the old bottle and that is exactly what had been left in there, one dose. I need to remember that I am worth it, my health is worth it, and investing in good food, healthy activity and Floradix is something I deserve.

So tired So satisfied...

... even though I burned the chocolate pudding and it will take weeks of baking soda scrubs to get the char off the bottoms of not one, but TWO pans!

Food Not Bombs had a lot of eggplant donated this week, also potatoes, peppers, onions, zucchini, yellow squash, tomatoes, seitan, and tofu. We couldn't all manage to get together to cook until today. I got up early and burned the pudding, then I made a fruit salad with peaches, apples, grapes, and I squeezed all the citrus on it; 1 grapefruit, two limes, and four lemons, then I got fresh mint from the garden and did a rough chop and mixed it in. After everybody came we chopped and chopped (Oh, I guess I did the eggplant before they came) we mixed everything together in our NEW pans and added some olive oil, salt, pepper, and dried Italian seasoning. In one pan we added chopped seitan and in one pan we did crumbled tofu. We threw those all in the oven. Michael and Shaun made a tomato salad with all the grape tomatoes and rosemary and thyme from the garden.  We had also been given a bunch of single serving yogurts of different flavors, so Stephanie mixed those all together in a bowl. So we had two chafing pans of hot veggie food, one 8 qt. size more than half full of fruit and about a quart of yogurt, and a mixing bowl of tomato salad. We had OVER FIFTY people in the park eat, plus us. Most of our friends in the park are men, but there were also at least seven single women and one mother with a toddler.

The pudding had been made with donated soy milk I felt kind of bad about wasting it, but I learned some more about cooking it in a large quantity and if we get some again I will be able to do better. I want to be a good steward of the resources we are given. We had  a $100 donation and I bought two food quality plastic containers with lids and 3 large mixing/serving bowls and a 5 gal water cooler at an auction a couple of weeks ago. I ordered two complete chafing pan sets and we made and served the hot food today out of one of the actual pans and one of the steam pans from one of the sets, and used both lids.  I think we will actually need a couple more of these if we continue to get large crowds. We hope to be able to continue even after it is cold, and that is when we will use the full set up with flames to keep them warm.

It just occurred to me that we will have to make sure to keep the fuel watched, some of those guys will drink ANYTHING with alcohol, especially on Sunday when even if they have money, they can't get booze. I remember I was in town on Super Bowl Sunday and one of the guys was drinking mouth wash. Yuck.

Part of the time we were serving a PIT BULL parked itself under the table on my foot. I was nervous as hell, but I just kept on serving... I was pretty careful to not move my foot! That is one of the things about going to the park that bothers and scares me, the dogs, and they tend to let them run loose. Even if there is a leash on a dog, it gets dropped and the dog runs around trailing the leash. There are at least three dogs who they and their people are usually in the park when I go.

I am so tired. I need to go to bed, but I don't want to go too early or I will wake up in the night. I still have some pans to wash. I brought them home (ugh). We talked about will we store them here or ??? Plus a lot of the young ones are going up to Chicago next weekend for a Big Queer Dance Party and even thugh I am going to Lafayette on Saturday, I will be back on Sunday.

Okay, the end. By the time I mess around a little bit more, wash another pan, fill my medicine doses for the week and shower it will be late enough to go to bed!

argh

My left foot keeps feeling like a cramp on the outside edge, but it's NOT a cramp and I don't like it.

And really

doing Food Not Bombs with the young people is fun, but some of the hippies are smellin' better to me, if you know what I mean!  ;)

Cooking!

I made vegan banana bread this morning and for the first time ever put chocolate chips in one loaf (but they're not vegan). Then I tried a new recipe for individual baked oatmeals that I plan to sell at a Farmer's Market. Now I've got an enchilada casserole in the oven. I thought Michael had agreed to cheese, but he hadn't and he's a little disgruntled. That's what happens when you mumble!

OCD

I wouldn't shake my massage therapist's hand today, but I shook Dennis's at People's Park because I am afraid of hurting his feelings.

Getting better.

I slept terribly last night, which is no surprise. It's been the same at night as it has been during the day with this illness. Fitful, painful sleep wracked with strange and sometimes terrifying dreams. This morning, however, once I woke up I stayed awake. I felt pretty good so I got dressed to go to church. Once I was dressed I was completely exhausted! I fought the urge to go back to bed and went ahead to church. I hoped to park in the actual parking lot because I felt so yucky, but of course that didn't happen so by the time I walked half a block and across the street I was pooped again. I enjoyed the service - Gospel music Sunday! - and there was a breakfast afterward. I saw several people I know and I was actually sociable this week.

I managed to go to Aldi and do just a little shopping to tide us through the week. I was so glad when I got home because I was really taxed and Michael was here and brought in and put away the groceries.

Since then it has been a hodgepodge of resting, eating, cooking, movie viewing, music listening, Facebook and Scrabble AND, AND, AND... I went out and did weeding for the first time this year. At one point I could tell I was physically exhausted, yet restless so I polished my nails to force myself to be still a while longer!

I want to try to stay up until 11 so I won't wake up so much in the night (I hope) then I will be more rested for what promises to be a super busy week at work.

2 months

So Ken and I officially "broke up" today. I don't need comforted because it was the right thing to do. He needs somebody who really needs him and I just don't. The kind of things he did that in his mind were spoiling me or helping me just pissed me off. He's so kind it's unbelievable... it amplified what a bitch I really can be. If I were to be in a successful relationship now I would really need a man who is willing and able to be a sort of disengaged companion, yet realizes when I really need or want him. Also I need to learn to be kinder and that at times I will need to be ready to fill a man's desire to be needed and cherished.... Sometimes being so independent doesn't pay off.

It's sadly ironic that I felt like Garet didn't love me as deeply as I deserved to be loved, yet I would describe Ken as loving me too much. Maybe I can just never be pleased and I need to be prepared to be single forever.

In other news, this terrible, nagging illness has paid off. I completed reading the third book of The Hunger Games trilogy. I intended to go to the movie today, but I guess I was too sick because I kept going back to bed and sleeping instead of getting dressed and going. I feel in some strange way that I should be commended for listening to my body for once.

Yuckety Yuck!

I am SO sick. I left work early on Tuesday, stayed home yesterday. I went back to work today, but I took two lunches and slept in the car. When I got home tonight I went to bed and slept until 8:06. When I awakened I thought it was 8:06 a.m. and that my alarm hadn't gone off and I was late to work! I'd hardly eaten anything today so I went in the car and bought some food, but it tasted bad and I felt so yucky that I couldn't eat it all. I'm just going to stay up long enough to take some medicine and make sure I don't throw up and then lie in bed and watch a movie, I think.

I'm supposed to cook for Food Not Bombs tomorrow night, but if I still feel this yucky I will have to stay home.

Chugging along...

I finished the non-fiction book, The Warmest Room in the House about American kitchen and how advances in technology, food science and media have influences the American diet. I loved it. I wish I had time to read it again studiously and make notes on the interesting points. Well, I might as well face it. I probably DO have time, but I choose to use my time in other ways. I am choosing to read the Barbara Kingsolver book right now - The Lacuna. It has a different feel about it than her other books I have read. Still enjoyable, just different.

Last night I made hummus for the first time. I think it is pretty good and something I will continue to make at home unless our situation changes. The tahini I had in the garage was too old and yucky. I looked it up yesterday to ascertain the desired texture, just to make sure. In looking that up I learned that one can buy the sesame seeds and make tahini at home. If I do start a food blog...I am thinking that each recipe must start completely from scratch... like from PLANTS or something immediately identifiable and not even one step away from its plant source. Like my garbanzos were dried and that's okay, but canned would be "processed" and not allowed, and the tahini must be from the seeds and not from a jar. If I am going to use flours I must grind it myself.... This would be a major undertaking, but definitely a way to keep with whole foods. Having formerly been in the Mormon culture I know the sources to order real wheat kernels, oat groats and the like. I'd probably need to invest in additional equipment, but that's kind of contrary to my quest to ride myself of material things. Hmmm...

April 7 there is a really free market. I plan to take loads of items to give away. If I don't manage that I will take more to Unity Circulation Day. I'm going to go search right now and find out then that is.

I read!

I read 30 pages (+ some at lunch) in my current non-fiction book. Ahhhh...

Tonight I have been considering a new blog, one that could possibly be supported by ads (Eek!) about life as I try to get back to whole foods cooking. I am going to think about it and do some research and I'll get back to you on that!

Too much facebook

Not enough reading.

Beginning tonight, no Facebook until I have read at least thirty pages.

I made a typo and it said "Fecebook" until I corrected it - now that's a thought.

Things are happily interesting.

Oops! I hit enter and only entered the title as a post.

I will report more fully on Monday or Tuesday.

Miguel, if you read you might get it if I say "Phouchg IRL = The Babe?" I've said very little to selected few, but the view is optimistic.

We shall see. We shall see.

17??

I took off the ped right after work and mostly lay around and knit and watched TV tonight. Yes, I have a kidney infection and I am on three days of the biggest double dose of bactrim. If I don't feel 100% at the end of three days I am going to ask for a recheck to make sure all the nastiness is gone. I also went to B-foods and bought probiotics so I will have some delicious intestinal flora. I had planned to buy it to make homemade deodorant anyway, so this was motivation to get that done.

I need to be all better. Tomorrow is Buffalo Sisters, if I feel well enough. Thursday is counseling/coaching appointment with Christine. Friday is get Byron from the airport. Saturday is farmer's market and in the evening Byron's recital. It's all good and I need to have some energy! I also definitely need to wash some dishes somewhere in there, tidy up and at least start my taxes!

2532

I bought a pedometer last night. I used to have one and frequently achieved the legendary 10,000 steps. I do want to note that I felt pretty miserable today. After work I cooked enough to make a promised dinner to a Buffalo Sister, ate a little bit and then lay down and watched TV and knitted. Completed the second booby hat! Normally I would have at least also cleaned up after dinner.

I guess I am going to say 2500 is a baseline and that I will work every day to achieve more.

I went to the dr. and peed in a cup today and they never called me back. If it does turn out to be positive and I had to suffer one more day I will be disillusioned about my new dr.

Ah shoot.

It's Gillian's birthday today and I ate one of the pretzel treats Joyce made. I have even warned myself over and over that pretzels are verboten! They are a waffle pretzel with a rolo on top squished down with a pecan... a perfect union of salty and sweet! Well, all I can do is start over again.

I just wanna say

I feel happy today. I was SO happy to meet Lisa and John's babies yesterday. I gave them their stuffed rats and they love them. Work was happy. I got some songs on my mp3 player and y life at work is about a zillion and a half times happier with music. I know I won't be able to listen to it in the busy phone season, but I am really happy about it right now. I still had enough pain today to make me take pain killer in the morning, but it wasn't quite so bad and not so depressing. Day three of no gluten. I signed up to take another dinner to a Buffalo Sister who recently had a baby. Barley in not on her no-no list so I will make the vegetable barley soup I have been planning and give it to her and her family. I almost have hats complete for her little ones as well. That will be nice. Tomorrow is Scrabble and I can debut my new board.

Gluten-free...ME?

Many, many people try to tell me how to eat and I completely and utterly rebel. Yesterday morning I had a massage. Since October my migraines have increased in frequency and intensity, even three episodes of actual vomiting and also episodes of nausea and dry heaves. Monday I went to the chiropractor and got some extensive work done. She recommended I go get professional massages now instead of going to the massage school. I'm desperate, so even though it costs THREE TIMES as much money, I made an appt. at That's The Rub Massage Therapy. The therapist, Rachel, recommended I go gluten free. For some reason it rang true. Then I came home and got on Facebook and my niece Barbara mentioned that she has had headaches since she was a teenager, has recently gone gluten free and they are gone. That sealed the deal.

According to the interwebs gluten free means really gluten free - watching even for cross contamination. I know my friend Kat has spoken about that as well. I am not sure if I can manage that and be a baker with wheat flour. Now that cup of barley I bought for soup, must be given away. I'm wondering if my chewable vitamins I bought are edible, all kinds of stuff. I think for now my plan is to start with the obvious stuff before I go out and buy a bunch of special things. I know there is a huge market for gluten free products. Maybe Hope's Homemades needs to become a specialty bakery. Hmmm...

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I will:
Awaken at the appropriate time
Get ready for the day efficiently
Go to work on time
Work hard and efficiently
Take care of personal business as needed
Remember to take breaks and move frequently
Eat nourishing and satisfying food
Drink sufficient amounts of water.
Enjoy time with friends in the evening
Go to bed at a good time.

Facebook Status:

I have a job and insurance and I live in the U.S. and I was able to take my son for medical care and get medicine. I won a $100 gift card at work for losing weight. I lost weight - over the holidays. I don't have a headache today and I have a new prescription if I get one. It's the beginning of a four day weekend/my annual retreat and I just went to a good movie. #Lifeisgood

Oops.

Real life has interfered somewhat with my online activity.

Last night I felt well enough to try a run to Bloomingfoods so I called Michael to see if he wanted to go to pick up some stuff. He did, so I went downtown to get him. He said he knew the Occupation was going to get notice of eviction. When we returned to camp I decided maybe I should stay for GA (General Assembly) to see if there was a plan to know if I should bring some of Michael's belongings home or maybe even Michael. I ended up staying there for a couple of hours. Pretty soon after I first arrived the police went around and taped notices to the light poles. The Occupation was supposed to have all belongings out by noon today or their stuff would be confiscated. The Occupants (mostly) agreed to get the stuff out. So far no cops have gone and confiscated nor destroyed any belongings and I guess they have actually been granted an extension until noon tomorrow. I wish I didn't hate typing so much. I certainly have a lot of thoughts about this. I think the time for a physical occupation of space is over and it is time to use the networks they've developed, the skills they've acquired and the information they've learned and let the Occupation evolve to the next level. It's like when one needs to go to residential rehab for a while, but the process isn't complete unless you take it back out into the world and continue to live your life clean and successfully.

Michael had planned to come home tonight, but instead he is staying at the home of some other occupants. Michael is very sick with a very sore throat. Everybody decided it is best that he stay inside a house even though there seems to be no danger of arrest at the park tonight. I'm ready for him to come home. He has probably been the most faithful regular resident of the occupation, staying almost every night for nearly three months. I am proud of him for honoring his convictions, but I'm ready for him to come home. I haven't really written on my (minor) involvement with the occupation. I went from pretty hearty support to some disillusionment. I've decided my take on the Occupy catchphrase is "#Occupy your heart #Occupy your cranium - in real language "Act and speak thoughtfully, motivated by love."

I desperately need sleep tonight. Last night I ended up going back after 1:00 to get some items from camp. Honestly, I was about an hour into the deepest sleep I've had all week, and afterward, I never got it back. I'm going to watch some more news and see if they show the stuff from Occupy at Peoples' Park and then I am off to bed!

Significant hat complete.

I wanted to make something for Brianna and Arianna and decided on hats. 1st one is complete today. Next comes a good one for BTK. I love making hats on my knitting looms. I am glad I am starting to think of different decorations and stuff to add to them and make them more special. A couple of weeks ago there was an article in Parade about a woman who knitted a bunch of hats for children. It's a demonstration of how shallow I am that I thought about how much cuter my hats are than hers were! Really the important thing is that the hats get to people who need them, but hey! a hat can be warm and cute, right? SO I am loving my hat looms tonight. It may be a repeat gratitude post to say that, but it is a deep, deep, affection. :)

New year milestone

199.6 - the plan is to keep going down.