Three hour lunch

Using up some of the rest of the vacation time!

Made spaghetti sauce for tonight's lasagna.
Played some computer Scrabble.
Worked on the Christmas cards.
Read some more of the Spellman book
Put another layer on the bowl.
Oh, and actually ate lunch too! - MY BG was 83 before I ate - no wonder I felt the need to get home and eat quickly!

Need to assemble the lasagna
Put another layer on the bowl
change clothes
Wash some dishes.

Today's small happinesses so far:

Got a diet Cherry Coke from Steak and Shake.
Picked up a cool candle holder from a Freecycler. Once the Christmas tree is down I have the perfect spot for it and I can't wait! I want to leave the tree up until Deanna and I get to exchange gifts - what is that? Friday? But we probably won't do that at the house anyway and the candleholder may change my mind! We'll see. I'm actually planning on baking cheesecake tomorrow. Another step toward baking professionally - samples for Tamyra at Ragazzi Arte Cafe, so we'll see.

Still need to:
Put another layer on the bowl.
Do regular dishes and stuff.
Have bedtime snack and take meds.

I have almost finished the Spellman book. I like it.
I walked one mile, rode the bike twenty minutes, then talked for half an hour, but didn't walk!
I went to the grocery store.
I took a three hour nap!

I am probably moving Christmas cards to tomorrow and forgetting getting any further uber items completed. Fiddle dee dee - next year is another year.

I woke up from the nap with a headache, probably from going too long without eating, I felt better after I ate so I went ahead and went to the Y and the store, but it is kind of back so I think I am going to eat and drink a lot of water and take some narcotics and go to bed. Oh - I will still put another layer on the bowl. It doesn't really take that long to actually do the work, but it takes so long to dry each layer that I need to keep working steadily on it.

Today's small happiness was watching Annie Hall. I've seen it before, but SO long ago, I didn't remember it at all. It is one of these AFI top 100 films I want to watch. The last line makes me wonder though. Maybe I am not one of those people who need the eggs?

List for today:

Put two more layers on Gill's bowl.
Finish washing cabinets on "living room" side.
Exercise
Address 15 Christmas card envelopes
Read 50 pages in The Spellman Files
Finish watching Annie Hall
Get picture transferred to Miko's apron
Start "Naked Lips" file
Review Uberlist and see if there are any items that can be quickly completed.

Ready, set. go!

Again with the psycho posting!

I did it! I went to the Y. Walked one mile, biked thirty minutes, was walking a cool-down mile and ran into a friend to talk to so walked at least another mile and a half. I rock. Now I am good and tired and clean and satisfied.

Need to have a bedtime snack, drink a lot, take my night-time meds, put another layer on Gillian's bowl, read a few chapters, wash the dishes, and gee, maybe go to bed sometime.

My "fortune" in my cookie yesterday said, "You are a bundle of energy." No kidding! Until I collapse, yeah! I hate fortunes that aren't fortunes! It could have at least said, "you are a bundle of energy and it will serve you well in this life."

Damn!

Good part: there will be a clean spot on the floor soon.

Bad part: It's because I broke my gravy tureen and I need to clean up the mess. Sigh.... I've had it for over twenty years and I really liked it. It was kind of French country stoneware, the bottom was cream with a floral motif painted on and the lid was blue. I got it on clearance at JC Penney for maybe four or five dollars. I guess I got my use out of it!

I didn't get any gravy on my potatoes for dinner, either. Pout.

I need to go to the Y and work out. It is hard to be motivated to leave the house in the dark and cold. I should have gone when I went to the dump and to get the bike, but I wasn't motivated then either. I took a night off last night, though. Urgh. Remember a few years ago when I was so dedicated to fitness? This would never have been an issue. Maybe I need to make a rule, like I'm not allowed to clean up the gravy mess unless I walk two miles first or something!

I'll report later.

Posted as a comment below

but I don't know if you'll notice it because it's so far down now.

Erin - Don't get your hopes up too soon. My speed is VERY slow right now - just ask Joe how long I have been talking about this batch of cookies! I was all ready to do the cookies and I thought the oven was broken, then I seemed to never have the right ingredients, then never the money, then the time, then..... well, maybe I'm finally getting to them!

Deb- I'm glad you got it. I took FOREVER to finish it. It was one of the things on my unfinished projects list that I finally got done. Then it took me forever to get it mailed! I finished it in the middle of summer and then I was like oh yeah, everybody in a warm climate needs a scarf in the middle of July! So maybe the timing worked out right after all.

I love doing my projects and making things for people. I just wish I were more timely at it. I guess I need to quit playing on the damn computer so much and spend more time making, but then I do love me some bloggin' and reading bulletin boards too!

Adding: Today's small happinesses so far:

Watched an episode of "Clean Sweep" that I haven't seen before.
Also - going to pick up a bike from a Freecycler and take to Community bike project. She didn't find a home for it and I am glad to help out Bike project because it means so much to Michael!

Sigh...

Had my review at work today. Nothing unexpected. Susan says she has asked Cory to find a way to pay me additional incentive on top of my monthly $500 bonus. I won't argue with that!

My small happiness today was that even though I worked very hard and didn't take a lunch a few of us pooled together and ordered Chinese for lunch and I got a lovely lunch delivered to me that I ate at my desk for $2.52. I also treated myself to a Diet Pepsi, which is now only a very occasional treat and not a daily thing.

I decided tonight is a stay in night. I am going to wear soft, warm clothes, work on some of my unfinished craft projects and my house and watch TV or a movie in a room with a space heater running so I am WARM.

I am going to try to stay off the computer tonight so this is probably all.

Okay tonight I am psycho poster!

I just want to post ONE MORE THING.

Which is what I ended up making or buying people for Christmas:
The rule was supposed to be homemade or second hand.

Michael- said chalk bag- still under process because of sewing machine failure, but it was complete enough to be wrapped and to be recognizable, also set of "Dune" books.

Emily - Collage Picture frame with pictures of Mom and Dad and Grandma and Grandpa Pechin from the fifties, also very nice hardback edition containing first three "Anne of Green Gables" books.

Heather - Book by Anne Brashears who wrote the "Traveling Pants" books, I can't remember the title, but it's supposed to be her first "adult novel" Maybe it's a dirty book! Teehee! Also frames for her Little Mermaid pictures, but I didn't like the way those turned out, so I took them back and asked for a do-over on those.

Mom - Knit hat, and a gift edition of small Bible designed especially for women.

Dad - First hardback edition of Tom Clancy novel, plus Steppenwolf album which has the instrumental "Earschplittenloudenboomer" one of our favorites from the seventies!

Chris - Knit hat in John Deere Greene and Yellow.

Tomiko - I am a bad AUNT - still working on hers. Will embroider apron with her name and a picture of a pony - also want to make these braided barrettes we used to make in high school, but so far I can't remember how to do it.

Nikki - a bottle of wine from a California winery that we can't get here. It was FREE so it made the rules!

Deanna - an expensive gift that I got for free, PLUS a super - cool book I found second hand that I can't say what it is yet, because I won't see her until the fourth.

Leah - stars and stripes placemats I got for FREE from Freecycle. She loves stars and stripes stuff. Also I was her secret Santa and I got her cool books second hand and probably the most expensive thing I purchased was a bag of Hershey's kisses!

Sue - a box of tissues, okay it didn't fit the rules, but there is this thing about Sue leaving her tissues on my desk and me using them all the time...

Gillian - I am going to make a papier mache bowl and try to make it really beautiful. She made fun of me (but kind of in a good way) about making papier mache ashtrays for people for Christmas (but she does second hand too) so hers really does need to be papier mache! I have been wanting to try to make truly beautiful papier mache since last year when I made a pinata for a birthday party and realized I really think I could make something beautiful. I need to do it this week, she comes back from her vacation on the 2nd or third.

I made lots of jars of bath salts for others at work and they were really pretty. I planned to ask Emily to take a picture, but I forgot, so you'll have to take my word for it.

I think total I probably spent around fifty dollars on Christmas (maybe sixty). The most expensive things I bought were the copies of the pictures for Emily's collage - $10.00; and the bottle of Pantene shampoo for Heather's stocking - $6.00. I spent more than that if you count craft supplies, but I didn't go out and buy new yarn, new fragrances, new stuff like that, except for the fabric for Michael's bag which I got at Salvation army for fifty cents! I used what I already had on hand to really keep costs low.

Editing to add:

Deb, did you get a box from me?

and Erin - you will be on hold until sewing machine failure is corrected.

and Joe - they are becoming Birthgivemasyear cookies, huh?

New shoes report

I walked two slow miles and they felt pretty good. I felt like my gait was a little different - like maybe the soles aren't as flexible and my feet didn't "roll" as much. My hips felt a little fatigue, which is unusual. So instead of walking the third mile or kicking in the pool I did a few sets of some arm weights. I need to start doing more resistance exercises anyway. I did NOT feel the little pain I have been feeling in the ball of my foot, however, like I keep checking if there is a blister and there never is... so that must have been related to the old shoes/squished padding problem. If the hip fatigue persists this will be a failed experiment, but because I purchased the shoes with Free money/gift card all I will have lost will have been what other item I could have purchased with the money and I probably would have purchased something foolish anyway.

I'm feeling more in the normal routine tonight. Last night I was so dead tired it was crazy. If Michael were home it would have been one of the nights I would have napped and he either would have cooked and awakened me when it was ready or he would have let me sleep a little and awakened me when he really wanted me to fix dinner! Without him here I was afraid to nap because I would sleep until 9 or 10 or 11 and then be really out of kilter. So I forced myself to stay up until 10, but it just about killed me. Debbie came down and visited a while and that helped. I also gave myself a project of sorting through some bags of clothes somebody gave me (YAY FREE NEW CLOTHES!!!) and that helped, but I couldn't make myself do my regular household stuff, I was TOO TIRED!. Tonight I feel like I can get the dishes done and do some of my regular tasks and I will be okay. I think I was worn out from Christmas even though everybody else did the work and I took the day off from the cooking and cleaning.

At Target today they had an amazing Singer sewing machine on clearance at half price for $85. It is just what I want. I was so tempted to use the gift card and write a bad check for the rest, but I knew that was evil. I feel like I would sew a lot more if I had a quality machine and I feel especially encouraged with it with the success (except for the broken sewing machine!) of Michael's chalk bag. I have been wanting to make purses and bags so badly. Damn I hate being so poor, sometimes.

Sad Day/Happy day

I am sad about Bhutto's assassination in Pakistan. You know me - all about that world peace and everything - and I had hope that she would really be elected and be able to improve the relations with India. Sigh. I almost cried when I told Emily about it.

My local life is much happier.

I took a very long lunch and went to Target to spend my gift card. I picked all my gift wrap for next year. The theme is blue and silver and my family will be pleased to know it includes STICKY BOWS. I am the only one who enjoys hand tying or making bows. I also hate trying to keep sticky bows uncrushed for a year, but it occurred to me to put them in a box, duh. I have had a silver theme before, but the paper I had was extremely difficult to work with. This seems like it is regular paper with a silver coating so it ought to be be better. I can hardly wait.

The other part of my card I used for new goodformyfeetshoes. My current ones are all squished down. I have figured out that even with higher quality shoes if I wear them all the time like the dr. said they wear out fairly quickly. These are not so high quality, and definitely not so high priced, but then when they do squish down I probably won't be so reluctant to purchase new ones. I need to be careful about creating barriers (ahem, excuses) for getting the exercise I need, though. So I am excited about getting to the Y tonight and trying the new shoes. I can also take as long as I like because with no Michael here I have no commitment to go pick him up, no worry about seeing him before he goes to bed, and there is also no new er I want to watch or anything like that!

I decided to join... ummm I can't remember what it's called! But you try to blog every day in 2008. It is very fitting because I had already decided that I want to at least every day say at least one thing however big, small, random, silly or strange that was a moment of happiness. If I miss a day I will go back and list for the days I missed!

Today's happiness was my long lunch and shopping trip and also the joy I got from using my Hello Kitty gel pens to make my daily task list and write down my voice mails at work.

Aftermath

I survived.

Heather cooked her first turkey dinner and did a wonderful job. I just kept my little self out of the way and let her do her thing and offered advice only when asked. I did ask if she wanted corn cake and volunteered to make it because I hadn't heard it mentioned and I really wanted it! She accepted my offer so I did make that. I really felt able to let it go. There were some little details that bothered me because it wasn't the way I would have done things but when I would start to think about them I would honestly just try to breathe them away and say to myself it's not my meal, it's not my problem.

We had a relaxed Christmas. Miko was at her mom's and other grandparent's so no small children. We all slept pretty late and didn't even start to open stockings and stuff until after some food and coffee and such.

I think the best thing that happened was that I finally got out a train set I had been sort of hiding away for a couple of years. I kept having the perfectionistic idea that I couldn't get it out until I had a table for it and space for it and a special board for it and so on and so on.... and then today I just saw one of my mini Christmas trees on the coffee table and said , you know my N scale train would look great it would be like a mini Christmas tree set up with the train around it! So I went and got it out and Dad and Chris and Michael and I spent a large part of the day playing train. I would like to set up the tree with some fake little presents and stuff and take pictures like it is a Christmas morning set-up. I don't know if I will ever get around to it this year, but it sounds fun. It does make me want to start my model railroading and with this set I already have enough set that I could spend a lot of time and accomplish a lot without spending any money. It has some accessories and buildings I could put together and Michael already has modeling tools and glue.

If anything, I am so glad the TV stayed OFF all day. We didn't even watch a Christmas Story, which I actually like to do usually.

I did get Chris's hat finished. John Deere green and yellow and Cory is going to try to get me a John Deere patch while he is in Illinois over his vacation. Turns out his dad works for John Deere! So what I thought I was going to have to order from e-bay, I may get in just a few days! YAY! Maybe he will bring back more than one and then I will also knit one for Rick, Deanna's hubby, who also has a bald head and is a John Deere fan.

I didn't get Miko's apron embroidered so I will start it probably tomorrow and try to get it to her in the next couple of weeks. I feel sad about that.

Michael's chalk bag is turning out to be an engineering and tailoring work of art! HOWEVER, in sewing on the webbing for the caribiner to clip on - it totally effed and yes I mean EFFED up my bobbin mechanism. My machine is a cheap POS anyway and the tension is always messed up. The webbing was too much for it and sigh.... Well I may take the bag to Margaret Fette's shop and ask her to sew the web on one of her professional machines, even if she charges me, but then I may end up hand stitching the rest of the thing because I couldn't get the top thread to catch the bobbin thread and sew anymore at all last night. I worked on it for about an hour and tried every trick I knew in messing with the bobbin mechanisms and such. I don't think this machine is worth paying to repair and I am not willing to replace until I can afford to replace with the quality I need to be able to do better quality work. I am SO pleased, even so, that I was able to look at a chalk bag and figure out the pattern and make it up and it is working out so well. It is a good self-esteem booster and makes me feel like a genius! Now if only I could genius my bobbin!

I am thinking of finishing up the evening by taking a bath - oh, by the way- everyone else is gone! Michael is off to Ed's, Mom and Dad and Chris have left because Mom has to work in the early morning, and Emily went to Indy with Heather. So I am by myself for a few days. I plan to watch movies nobody else likes, eat whatever I want, clean house, finish my projects, go to the YMCA and exercise and read. And maybe take a bath, tonight, in a few minutes, if I feel like it by the time I'm done typing. Ha.

Random Things

A couple of my fellow bloggers have done lists of "Random Things About Me" lately. One of them was seven, one was ten. As I was driving to Indianapolis last week I decided I want to make a list of random things that make me really happy. I had made a comment in Deanna's blog about how we want to realize that we can be made happy by small things and we need to realize that "little" things that maybe we feel like we shouldn't be upset about can give us little bits of heartache too, so it's okay to cry if you are frustrated because your dishwasher doesn't work! It matters to you!

Well on the way to Indy I spotted a red-tailed hawk landing in a tree and it really made me happy. When I am driving down the highway and I spot hawks perched in trees it always makes me happy. I feel like not a lot of people have a keen eye to see them and they are such magnificent birds and they are really huge when you see them up close and it really just makes me SO happy.... so I don't know how many items will be on my list, but that is number one.

1. Seeing a hawk perched in a tree as a I am driving along the road.
2. When I am singing and I feel like I hit a note or a phrase just right and it feels great.
3. When I cook for others and get genuine compliments - and I especially love it when people tell me I should cook or bake professionally.
4. Knitting hats on my hat looms. It is so relaxing. I love when I have a bunch of baby hats and kid hats finished and give them to Jim to take to the "baby house." I don't support the politics , but I can't argue with giving them warm heads!
5. Eating out. A meal prepared and cleaned up my someone else. Ahhhh!
6. Finding a great bargain. I love clearance, I love free. Every time I go to the dump, I check the "Trading Post" for good books or other cool stuff.
7. Getting good mail. I wish I were good at sending good mail so I would receive good mail more often, because it it often reciprocal.
8. When I actually get my house clean enough to get to the floors. I always leave them for last and by then I am so tired that they don't get done and they look like crap all the time which is sad because I love my floors and we worked so hard to get them in.
9. Hearing the "Hallelujah" song. Sometimes at work I will go to YouTube and listen to the Allison Crowe Version, then KD Lang, then Leonard Cohen himself, and sometimes even a couple of the bad ones, too, just because I love the song so much.
10. Christmas lights, Christmas decorations in general, really cute snowmen.
11. Making stuff. I wish I had more skills or time to develop these skills. I still need to make Michael's chalk bag and tomorrow is Christmas Eve! He may need to get a certificate so I can work on it while he's at his dad's!
12. Listening to the radio. Commercials don't really bother me and I like a variety of music and have a good radio station or a couple to switch between.
13. Burning candles. Makes my house so cozy and pretty.
14. Giving parties. I wish I had money to give a party every month. (and mental health)
15. Specific foods. Chicken, steak and french fries.


Okay that's enough.

I have been headachey this weekend, but able to function with medication. Still working on the Christmas gift projects, did spend some money on stocking stuffers.

Working on Emily's gifts, Heather's, Chris's, Miko's and Michael's so gee, not much, left right?

Made lots of bath salts today for the women at work and they turned out well and pretty. I will ask Emily if she can take a picture for me. I need to go see if the lids I spray painted are dry yet so I can get them put together!

More tomorrow, maybe, if I am not in a frenzy!

Today

Woke up - first shower in three days... ahem.

Work - worked fairly hard. Mailed proposal letter to City of Ellettsville that they use us as their primary newspaper of record for Public Notices. I feel like that was a big achievement. If I can win them it will be a major coup and Cory will love me more.

Came home - Michael has cooked dinner, ate.

Took Michael to library then bike project.

Went to YMCA Walked three miles, yes, I'm kickin' ass AGAIN. I saw a couple of people I know which makes it also feel social and more worth it to me. The nurse for the Heart team took my BP and it was 124 over 90 which is a little high on bottom, but she said that could have come from the walking, I had almost completed two miles, and it was my upper number that was high last time I was at the NP.

Went back to get Michael - read twenty pages in current EXCELLENT book while waiting for him.

Now home, need to have snack, take meds, wash some dishes, maybe craft a little, then get to bed.

I wish it were warmer in here. I will be glad when my family is visiting and I have the excuse to turn the heat up a little. I am not sure I can make it through the winter like this this year.

Headache, but good

Snow.

Christmas Tree up and decorated.

Other trees up.

House still messy.

Mom's hat finished.

Chris's hat started.

Movie watched.

Pot of delicious cream of vegetable soup made and consumed.

Michael made delicious bread.

Going to take some Rx drugs now and hope they knock me out soon, will leave house messy for tomorrow.

Christmas Questions

Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be a SCROOGE!!! Just Copy (not forward) this entire email and paste into a new e-mail that You can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then Send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you.

'Tis the Season to be NICE!

Well, I am not doing it as an email - just a thinking/ writing/ time wasting piece of.... oh wait! Piece of fun! I went more shopping today at Salvation Army and bought a couple of things I am totally PSYCHED about, including upholstery fabric samples that should be perfect for making Michael's chalk bag, now I just have to figure out HOW. The fabric was only 50 cents - by time I get stuff to make loops and a big caribiner it will probably be a few bucks, but they sell for around eighteen dollars minimum at the gym so it will definitely be a savings.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Mostly wrapping paper and I use a different theme each year. I am crazy about this year's theme. I bought very fancy gift tags on clearance last year and saved cards with pictures I thought would make good gift tags. All my paper is either white, which I get for free at work, or brown kraft paper and then I have cloth ribbon and bows and fancy gift tags and cutouts from the cards. We also wrap each stocking item individually, but don't use the theme for them because Santa fills the stockings and they don't wait under the tree. Usually Heather and Emily and I stay up late on Christmas Eve and wrap the stocking gifts.

2. Real tree or artificial?
I bought an artificial tree a couple of years ago on clearance and we use it, but it is a pain in the ass to put together and nobody likes to do it. It is still not up, but I have FIVE small trees up! We will go back to real some day because I have read that it is actually environmentally okay because they are farmed anyway.

3. When do you put up the tree?
I would sure like to have it up already. If I get the house clean today (which will be hard with this sinus bordering on migraine headache) I will ask Michael to help me do it tomorrow. That is the beauty of fake, you can have it up longer.

4. When do you take the tree down?
After New Year's Day, probably after Epiphany.

5. Do you like eggnog?
No, but Michael and my dad do, so I usually buy a quart so they can have some.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
Probably Baby Tenderlove (Susie)

7. Do you have a Nativity scene?
I have one that my ex brother in law made for us, but we did not put it out last year and probably won't this year because of our heathenishness - I don't really dislike the Jesus-ishness of Christmas at all, loving the traditions and the music, but I don't think the nativity is that attractive and would rather use the space for cute snowmen and Christmas trees.

8. Hardest person to buy for?
Maybe Michael, maybe my dad.

9. Easiest person to buy for?
I don't know. I don't really have an easy time "buying" for anybody. I tend to make instead of buy, and I tend to buy something any time of year if I see something someone should have, instead of saving for a holiday or something.

10. Worst Christmas Gift you ever received?
Maybe the bright red acrylic sweater. I don't like red or acrylic - (except I do knit a lot of acrylic hats, I know that is a contradiction, but hats need to be washable, see, and affordable for me to knit, and I give most of them away so I never recoup my expense, and I usually use nice, textured yarn, at least!)

11. Mail or email Christmas cards?
I'd like to mail, and if I don't mail I won't email either. I used to write a big letter every year, but I haven't done it for a couple of years and now we are dropping off peoples' lists. We're still here and alive! I am just poor and disorganized. I am trying to get my address book in order and do some cards this year, but I don't know if it will really happen.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
Hmmmm.... I really don't know. Maybe "A Christmas Story"

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
The day after Christmas if I have money! That is when I choose my theme and gift wrap for the next year so I can get it on clearance!i

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
Oh sure, I totally believe in regifting - and then the gift the person gave you is the money you saved in getting the gift for the next person. It is much better for somebody who will truly enjoy and item to have it then to keep something you won't really need or enjoy.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
I like Christmas dinner to be ham and baked beans and potato salad. I also love cheeseball. This year Heather is cooking so we will probably have turkey, but I think I will still volunteer to make appetizers and make cheeseball and deviled eggs.

16 Clear lights or colored on the tree?
I like them all but we have switched to all white lately.... I used to like blinky, but now I like steady.

17. Favorite Christmas song?
Probably White Christmas, which is ironic because I hate winter so much.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Well someday I would like to do Disney World for Christmas, just because I love Disney World so much.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
Of course!

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?
I actually have a SNOWMAN now!

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
Well we kind of started the pajamas on Christmas Eve thing a few years ago , but then we got too poor to afford new pajamas so it quit! so only Christmas morning! Except Michael really does need new PJs desperately. I wish I could find some used!

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
I don't like it that people start holiday music and stuff so early. I think it makes it not special if you do it too long. and I have a lot of trouble with the cold and snow and darkness and my mental health!

23. What is the "corniest" family tradition you do,
can't think of one! We just aren't any fun, I guess.

I just read my answers to Michael and he thinks it's "corny" that our stocking stuffers are really practical items. We get things like toenail clippers and Q-tips and dental floss and shampoo and mouthwash, but heck at this time of year from SANTA you might get BRAND NAME mouthwash or shampoo! Woo hoo! Also - we do watch "A Christmas Story" every year.

24. Ugliest Christmas Decoration ever invented?
Hmmmm - I just don't know.

25. Which looks best theme trees or homey trees?
Homey. I keep swearing one year I will use only the homemade ornaments on the tree, but Emily likes the shiny stuff.

26. Gingerbread or sugar cookies?
I like both. I like to make ginger bread Christmas trees a lot and they are vegan so everybody can eat them (unless you have the gluten thing!)

27. Do you like Fruitcake(s)?
Actually - they have a cheap fruitcake at the Hostess bread store that I love, but I only need like two pieces of it and then I am done for the year. I need to get one soon!

Hurt Feelings

A couple of weeks ago a couple of my co-workers in Peaceful Valley, another worker and I were talking about a book group. I think I did come into the conversation late, but I felt totally included and like it was something I was totally involved in, invited to and going to be a part of. We talked about what kind of books, possible other people to invite, how often to meet, and other factors. Then yesterday, the other co-worker, who does not work in Peaceful Valley (but is actually my direct supervisor) came over and to Nikki and Gillian said – “So, what time are we going to go have our book lunch?” I think she may have even started out by saying “You two” So obviously, it was something in which I was not included.

I don’t know if originally I was not intended to be included at all and just sort of “horned in,” or if something I had said made them not want to include me. I think the only thing I said that they totally didn’t agree with is that I would not want to read what I called “sappy books” like “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” or “Tuesdays With Morrie.” I don’t like sappy sort of pseudo-religious books like that and don’t want to be “uplifted” by literature. I prefer to be more intellectually challenged, I guess.
I was really having a hard day yesterday anyway, having had to fight to get out of bed to come to work in the first place, and then to be so obviously not included was really hurtful. I think that is why I got all teary when Sue bought my lunch for me. The alternative could have been a nice lunch with co-workers deciding what book to read for a new book club to which I have now been dis-invited. I would rather have been told directly. Oh- Hopie, we didn’t mean you in the first place – or Susan didn’t think it was appropriate because she really is your supervisor but not for me and Nikki or we really want to read those uplifting books and feel like you disagree too much or we’re afraid you will be too dominating or WHATEVER than just tra-la-la – we’re going off to lunch now without you - too bad.

Comments

I've been looking more and I hadn't realized only registered google bloggers could comment. I changed it so anybody can comment, so unless I get a lot of nasty stuff I will leave it that way.

Okay

I was somewhat grumpy/blue at work today. I had a really hard time getting out of bed to go and went an hour late. I asked Sue to bring me back some lunch from Wendy's and she gave me back my money and said she'd buy and it made me cry. I worked really hard and got a lot accomplished and that part did feel good. I have been behind on several tasks and I don't like that. It is crazy that I have gone from sitting around wasting time begging for tasks to do to being behind! Balance is what I need!

I was very physically and emotionally tired at the end of the day. I came home and lay down for about 10 minutes and then I was able to cook a pretty decent and nutritious dinner which Michael and I both enjoyed. Then we went to the Y - We walked a mile, then I rode the bike for 20 minutes and he did 30. I walked almost another mile while he finished up - the perfectionist/ psychologically unbalanced part of me is dissatisfied that I didn't complete an entire mile during that time, but I am letting it go, I am letting it go, I am letting it go. It was more important for Michael to get home in time to practice his cello. He won't want to go with me if I don't leave when I say I will and he misses his other things that are important to him.

Michael is practicing now and I am going to go work on some dinner dishes and then maybe I can do some more Christmasy stuff or work on cleaning this room some more while "Biggest Loser" is on. I don't have many more presents to wrap, really. I need to do some crafting to finish some more gifts. I have some frames to work on - maybe I can get inspired on those tonight.

I already feel better tonight

I worked SO HARD at work today. I was so tired when I got home. I told Michael I would not take him to the bike project tonight - I needed a night to stay home. I lay down on the couch and he made french bread pizzas for dinner for us. We ate and relaxed in the purple room and it was nice. He listened to some of his wild cello music and a little Rush while I made some chocolateylicious desserts. Then he practiced his cello and I have been watching White Christmas and putting our name tags on new Christmas stockings and wrapping a few Christmas gifts so it feels really nice.

I forgot I had bought a gift for Michael while out thrift shopping (The Dune Trilogy books) so that was a nice discovery; and wrapped Leah's gifts for Secret Santa at work. It's hard because I can't wrap hers with my theme paper for the year or she will guess it is me right away! She knows me too well! I love hearing Rosemary Clooney sing! I can't wait to give Leah her final gift - She loves to read history, biography and politics and I found a like brand-new copy of a biography of Colin Powell for $2.00. Tomorrow I am going to give her a Jiffy pop popcorn thingy that puffs up when you do it on the stove - like from the seventies - she lives with her grandchildren and I think they will get a kick out of it.

I think part of my blues is probably hormonal - My periods are so messed up that I am probably either ovulating or PMS all the time! I told Michael I am sorry about it tonight - but at least he gets good chocolate out of it.

I had Michael bring in the tree - now is just the extremely frustrating task of putting the thing together. Sigh... Maybe tomorrow. Michael has an orchestra rehearsal, but it's early so I should go to the Y at night. Maybe I can con him into working on the tree assembly while I work out.

Danny Kaye is funny. Now I just need to see "Holiday Inn" "Miracle on 34th Street," "It's A Wonderful Life" and "A Christmas Story" and I'll be good to go.

More materialism

I also want a "year of the Spitfire" Datebook from Disgruntled Housewife.com.

I want to make a chalk bag for Michael for Christmas. I need to find one to model after. I looked at them at the gym, but I think I need one to have here to measure and look at more thoroughly to make it right. I guess I will have to call his friends and let them know what a dork I am!

He needs handlebar tape for his bike. We decided stocking stuffers don't have to be homemade or second hand and that should fit in a stocking.

Lord, I wish he were easier! At least he likes weird clothes. I can probably find some second hand!

Feeling somewhat blue

I have been thinking a lot the past few days about my state of mind. Usually I feel like I am really happy. When LJ or has you choose a "mood" at the end of a post I usually choose one that is positive and I really feel that I look for one that reflects the current moment.

The last few days, however, I have been feeling like deep down, maybe I have a "broken heart" like maybe I will never be a whole person again. Like I am the opposite of a normal person. I think that a normal person is happy, but gets depressed and sad sometimes and clinically - maybe that is called "situational depression" like somebody dies or you have a stressful experience like a job change or a break up or a move, but when it is over, you get better. Maybe I am the opposite - deep down inside I am a broken, bitter and wounded person and the day-to-day happiness I feel is only situational. I don't know why I am feeling so wounded. Maybe it is just because I haven't been feeling well physically, kind of fighting the same nagging headache and fatigue for over a week. Maybe it is the weather, I really hate the winter and the cold and the dark. Maybe it is sort of reliving my Ed experience again by telling Cory about it. Maybe it was the stress of working so much for the Women Inspire Bash. Maybe it is the holidays. I have a hard time when I have no money and I love the holidays so much and wish I could do 'em up bigger. I also have had a hard time with the family visits this fall and am really feeling some dread about the holidays and not knowing where or how to set boundaries.

Anyway - I just wish I could like afford airplane tickets for Emily and Michael and I to go somewhere else and celebrate (somewhere HOT and sunny!). If this were the old days when I used to have credit cards and could have done it, I swear I would and rack it up to mental health care. Sigh. Now - no credit.

Also thinking about what episodes of "Half Wit" need to come next get me thinking about seriously difficult experiences in my life. I don't know if writing it will be therapeutic or put me over the edge. I felt like it would be cathartic, but it makes me a little afraid the way I feel now. Maybe I need to work on my novel in the winter and work on Half Wit in the sunny time!

Mood: Gloomy and Depressed, wishing for Zoloft.

Women Inspire Bash is over

I think it was a success, at least socially and I think our silent auction made some money. I sold two of my hats and a chocolate cheesecake.

I worked my ass off and my feet are so tired and in so much pain. I am going to take some drugs and try to drink some water and get to bed.

Sometimes I love being SO involved in an event and sometimes I wish so much to be one of the ones who just gets to say, thank you it was nice, and leave before all the dishes are done.

Off, off to bed, Fred.

I didn't even carry in all the stuff from the car so tomorrow will be a big day, but I can take all day and do my little increments.

A survey

about one of my favorite things - no not raindrops on roses! My house!

1.) When you walk in your front door, which room do you enter?
I have a "great room" which is the kitchen, dining room and living room all at once, and you're RIGHT THERE, BABY!

2.)Do you have a dishwasher?
I USED to, but I pried it out with my massive, womanly crowbar during the floor resurfacing.

3.) Is your living room carpeted or does it have hardwood floors?
Vinyl Composite tile (is the the right term?) in purple, blue, green, yellow, and carnival white, which is white with flecks of all those colors!

4.) Do you keep your kitchen knives on the counter or in a drawer?
counter, in a knife block.

5.) House, apartment, duplex or trailer?
house

6.) How many bedrooms is it?
3

7.) Gas stove or electric?
A very, very bad electric range with no handle on the oven door, heats unevenly, and unreliable burners. Oh for a professional gas range.... sigh. No I'm not materialistic at all.

8.) Do you have a yard?
yep! I like my yard. It is a good amount to mow, we have garden spot, a mulberry tree, April the maple tree, and it backs up to a forest and a cemetery. What more could a girl want - unless the zombies come over the hill some time....

9.) What size TV is in the living room?
NO TV in the living room.

10.) Are your plates in the same cupboard as your cups?
Yes.

11.) Is there a coffee maker sitting on your kitchen counter?
No I have very little counter space. we do have a coffee maker, but right now I am trying it on a little cart I have turned into a beverage station with the coffee maker, all the accoutrements, the cocoa mix, etc. Michael is the one who makes coffee, though and he tends to leave it messy.

13.) What room is your computer in?
In the purple room, formerly known as Emily's room.

14.) Are there pictures hanging in your living room?
There is a large mirror, a large candle wall thingy and one modern art print, but not photograph kind of pictures.

15.) Are there any themes found in your home?
I have a couple recurring motifs: squares, spirals and suns and moons with faces.

16.) What kind of laundry detergent do you use??
Cheap, but my favorite is the new super concentrated All.

17.) Do you use dryer sheets??
No, I am in love with liquid fabric softener.

18.)) Do you have any curtains in your home??
Mostly blinds, but I do have curtains in my bedroom and I would like to get more. I think it looks a little softer and more finished.

19.) What color is your fridge??
Almond - oh for stainless, to match my professional range.

20.) Is your house clean??
Not right now. I go back and forth. I have secret hidden spots that rarely get cleaned and I definitely have trouble keeping the garage clean. My house will probably be completely clean by Sunday (except the garage) that's the way I go, unless I get a headache or something.

21.) What room is the most neglected?
Garage, if you call it a room. The rest are really about even.

22.) Are the dishes in your sink/dishwasher clean or dirty?
Both. I have a dirty side and a clean side and they usually both have some in it.

23.) How long have you lived in your home?
10 years

24.) Where did you live before?
Oh my God, the ghetto. Park Square (Orchard Glen) Apartments.

25.) Do you have one of those fluffy toilet lid covers on your toilet?
no, never will.

26.) Do you have a scale anywhere in your house?
In my bathroom.

27.) How many mirrors are in your house?
4

28.) Look up. What do you see?
Just a wall and a ceiling in this room.

29.) Do you have a garage?
yes

30.) What is your favorite thing about your house?
All the color.

I did something brave today.

I told Cory (my Ad Director - big Boss, next to Publisher for me) something he had done that really bothered me. There is quite the attitude of sarcastic humor in our office and it can be really funny, but it can also be really cutting. I try not to use sarcastic humor. I have always told Emily and Michael not to use it. I will admit I DO use it sometimes, sometimes frequently. I try to be aware of it though, and I try to catch myself and apologize for it. I believe it can really be hurtful.

A couple of months, maybe even three or four months ago, Cory was hanging out in Peaceful Valley (my part of the office) and joking around with us and teasing me. I kind of said something about how I didn't like it and he replied, "Oh you know you love it when I abuse you." Well, no, not really. I just let it go, but i has been festering inside me ever since. Maybe it was just his use of the word "abuse." Maybe if he had said teased or joked around or something it wouldn't have been in my head so long. But it was there. I have been too abused too much by too many people in my life to just let it sit. So today I did this:

December 6, 2007.

Cory –

No, I am not quitting. Sorry!

This has been eating away at me for a couple of months. One day in Peaceful Valley you made a joke that I love to be “abused.” Maybe if you had used a different word, like “teased” or “joked with” or “messed around with” it wouldn’t have bothered me, but you didn’t and it did bother me – a lot, and now for a long time. I don’t know if you know my story, but I am going to share it with you in all its unedited glory.

I am not asking for pity or for anything really, except maybe for some understanding. We do have a culture around the office where sarcastic humor and teasing are common. I know I do some of it too, so am not blameless in that respect.

I wrote the following several years ago for an introduction in an online forum. There may be some references to churchy stuff that seem strange, either because the vocabulary is particular to the Mormon religion or because you may know I have left that church and am no longer religious at all and you’ll be saying, “What, that heathen PRAYED?” Yeah, it actually happened. That part of my life and feelings are completely different now, but I recognize it as part of what has shaped who I am and how I behave in all my relationships both personally and professionally.

And probably giving this to you or asking you to read this is completely unprofessional, but oh well. I know that you have been concerned about me personally at least a little bit over the years. This is about the jerk with whom I still deal every single dang week and take my son to visit and it still affects my life every day. It’s easier to write about it than to talk about it because everything is easier for me to write than to say.

Maybe the “mind reader” (hah!) mentioning my memoirs Sunday got me thinking about it some more, because I’m sure most people wonder what in the world could I have experienced that would be interesting to read. Maybe this will explain a little bit the whole lot of crazy! ☺

I actually wouldn’t mind if Elizabeth read this, but I would not want it passed around in like a department head meeting or something.

Hope

(Elizabeth is his wife - I like her a lot)

And I printed out MOST of the story that most of you have probably read about marrying and leaving Ed and gave it to him.

He read it right away and sent me an email apologizing for using words that had been hurtful to me. Said that he had not been aware of my history and that he had no "evil intent." I assured him that if I felt he had meant to be hurtful I would have gone directly to human resources, but this was a personal matter, not a personnel matter.

I know Cory cares about me as a person. A couple of years ago when I was quite visibly depressed and frustrated with my job he called me to his office and reminded me that the company would pay for counseling for me and counseled me quite seriously (literally crying) that maybe sales is not the right career for me. He was very concerned I would commit suicide because of a couple of meltdowns that were known about at work. I think he invented my current position to get me out of sales and provide job security for me in our even more competitive and sales-oriented atmosphere than ever before and I am grateful for it. I didn't want my feelings about the use of one word to make there be a barrier where there shouldn't be.

I feel very drained, emotionally and also because I think I am half sick. I left early yesterday and came home and slept. I came home and slept today and made Michael make the yummy frozen pizza for dinner. I am trying to stay up late enough to watch er but I don't think it's going to happen and I am kind of sad, because I really like it and it is kind of a weekly treat.

I hope I don't walk in and get fired tomorrow. If I do, we'll know all my perceptions about Cory were completely wrong and my judgment is REALLY bad.

Good night!

Sigh...

I am too technologically challenged for this. Somehow I have some old google blog and this google blog confused and I just want it all to be happy and easy! I talked to Michael about importing the other blog archive, but he probably won't get a chance to do it until Christmas break or something.

I walked two miles tonight and swam/kicked 500 meters. I am happy and tired and clean and I have a lot to do around the house.

Tomorrow Michael wants to go to Scouts because they are doing Christmas service stuff and I am going to go grocery shopping.

One nice things about not heating the house. I bought some flowers a long time ago and they still look pretty good! I usually buy baby carnations because I like them anyway and they last the longest. They only had ugly orange baby carns so I bought these astrosomthinguses that usually die quickly, but it's like they're in a fridge so they still look good! There is a sunny side to everything. Gotta go be a little productive, because you know 14-15 hours a day just isn't enough.

New Blog!

I am going to bag MySpace and LiveJournal and defect to Googleblog. Mynieces have such lovel blogs and post pictures and embed videos so well. Now I just need a computer genius to tell me how to import all my old stuff. Well really, I don't want to be told. I want someone to do it for me. All I want for Christmas is a brand new blog, a brand new blog, a brand new blog...