Saturday, December 12, 2009


Searching for a blog title I considered: depressed. sad, crisis, lonely and a lot of other negative mood descriptors. I don't really think I am enough of one thing to settle on a word, therefore I am unsettled.

I had a good start to the day, took the bread I had made for Gillian over to the church for the event. When I took it in the kitchen the women receiving it said something like, "What is that? Oh look! Go bring that other one back in and put this out instead!" I felt very flattered - AND I had been sure to put some business cards in the the basket, discreetly tucked under the edge of the napkin!

Heather left last night so I could have some time with a friend who has an odd schedule this morning - that was also lovely. He had to go to the IU game, though so we had a time limit, kind of a bummer.

After he left I decided I would go to Opp House and look for baskets for Christmas orders and maybe for some Christmas gifts to give also. Once I got out into the world, however, I was HYP-NO-TIZED again. I ended up Opportunity House, Lowe's T.J. Maxx, Michael's and Goodwill. I did get some nice baskets, a PERFECT gift for Michael for $3. some cooking stuff for the business and a few other little things. I was just in this lonely, scared, robotic mood, however. I went over eight hours without eating....I just now ate something for the first time since about 11:00 this morning. Also no beverage, no peeing, no talking.... just in some trance-like state and feeling quite bizarre. My house is messy and I have done nothing on my list and I think part of staying out like that was avoidance of the reality that I now face. I need to clean my house, do some business work, and I really, really, REALLY want to bring in the Christmas tree and get it put together and also try some new recipes. I found a vegan Mexican wedding cake, and I need to try another variation of truffles. I'm just all blah! I want to sleep and that is all. I need to do it today, however as tomorrow I am supposed to go to Lafayette and then go get Michael.

I called my friend Eric before I came home to see if he wanted to out and quickly get something to eat with me. He was already out and about doing HIS shopping, however, I read on FB when I checked in. I sent him a message asking him if he would give me some shelves he has that I want and if he would bring them over and put them together. If he would I would have the motivation to clean and be productive and make something and he could taste test in exchange! If I got the shelves I could get all the Hope's Homemades supplies out of the corner where my Christmas tree is supposed to go and get moving on it!

I did talk to Emily for a little bit. I called from TJ Maxx and told her I was having a shopping crisis, which is a part of me she understands or at least recognizes is very strong. She talked to me through her entire dinner break at work and it helped. I am sad, though because she probably will go up to Scott's family again for Christmas.

Gloom, despair and agony on me. Deep-down depression, excessive misery. If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. Gloom despair and agony on me. Now imagine some stupid Hee-Haw joke by Buck Owens!

I am going to go do SOMETHING now. Maybe I'll call Eric again.


Quilt or Dye said...

You, me,and the Grinch: "Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn't allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, jazzercize; 6:30, dinner with me - I can't cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing... I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?"

Hope said...

I don't really feel Grinchy, I think - just frustreated with the time frame and financial ills. No time to MAKE stuff, no money to BUY stuff..

Maybe we'll have a NO stuff Christmas.