I may have published some earlier form of this previously, but I have reworked it and gave it as a speech at Toastmasters tonight. It went pretty well. I need to work on it some more and then I will present it again to see how it improves or evolves.
Lessons on Single Parenting
#1 Part 1 Give yourself credit for
the good things you choose.
Part 2 Forgive
yourself when your choices aren’t so great.
#2 Respect your children as people
#3 Take time away from your children
#4 Relax
#5 Have a support network and use it
#6 Be wise financially
#7 Do things the easy way
#8 Say no
#9 Say yes
#10 Take care of yourself
Through my
two decades of single parenting people would often tell me “It’s amazing what
you do. You work. You take care of the house and yard. You are a good mother.
You do volunteer work.” On and on… I would smile sweetly and say, “It’s not
that big of a deal. You just do what you have to do.” After a few years of that
I had an epiphany – No, I didn’t HAVE to do that. I CHOSE to do those things. I
chose to keep a nice house. I chose to cook and serve (usually) nutritious
meals. I chose to do community service. I chose to work and to work hard. I
chose to treat my children with respect. I could have chosen to abuse my
children, neglect their desires and needs, not feed them properly. I could have
chosen to let them watch TV more than read books or to let them play Mortal
Kombat instead of cooking with them, but I didn’t. In my epiphany I learned Lesson number one.
GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT for the good things you choose. Number one, part two is
FORGIVE YOURSELF when your choices aren’t so great. All you can do is try to
correct the problems that may be the consequences of your choices, then move on
and try to learn from your mistakes.
Lesson
number two: RESPECT THE CHILDREN AS PEOPLE. They will be the main people in
your life when you have no spouse or partner around but remember: A) They are
children. There is no way they can be your emotional support system and it
would not be fair to expect them to be. B) Your family is NOT a democracy. You
don’t vote and majority wins. If there
are TWO of them and ONE of you, you’d always eat at McDonald’s and race
go-carts on Saturdays, right? You are
the adult and you make the decisions, keeping their needs, opinions, and
desires in mind in the process. Sometimes it is important to let them “Win” so
they can see that their input really does matter to you.
Lesson
Three: HAVE TIME AWAY FROM THE CHILDREN. They should get time with their other
parent (unless abuse) or other important adults in the lives on a regular basis.
Let the other parent have their time so you can have yours. It may be hard, and
surprisingly, it may be most difficult that they may be a better parent than
when you were together. Unless the other parent dumps them on family or a
babysitter they will be forced to feed them and talk to them and all sorts of
things that you automatically did alone when you were together. It may feel
heartbreaking. “If they could have just done this when we were together…,” but
remember, they could have chosen that all along and didn’t. Instead they chose
to be an absent parent and partner until forced to do this. BUT in the end it may
be better for the children if they develop a better relationship with them,
Lesson four
RELAX. There is only one adult in your household now. Things may be messier.
Here are three rules of housekeeping. 1)Try to have all the dishes done at
least once a day 2) Try to keep enough clean laundry so everybody has clean
underwear. 3) Bedrooms have to be clean enough so that if a firefighter has to
come in and save someone they don’t break an ankle. There is no way one adult
can maintain a home they same way two participating adults can, so your
standards can’t be the same. Here is a little thought that may be applicable in
some situations – Sometimes housekeeping is easier when you are single. If your
partner wasn’t around much anyway or did not contribute to the maintenance of
the household there will be LESS laundry and one fewer person to cook for, and
probably one fewer person who complains and tells you everything you do is
wrong. Divorce is the ultimate way of saying, “If you don’t like the way I fold
your damn T-shirts, do it yourself.”
Lesson Five
– HAVE A SUPPORT NETWORK. Church, friends, family. Make sure you have; someone
you can call at any time, someone who will listen to you cry, somebody who will
cry with you, somebody who will tell you when it is time to stop crying. Somebody
who can talk you out of hitting the children when you are on the edge. Somebody
who can pick up the children in a couple of minutes if you are not going to
make it. Somebody who can loan you a hundred dollars until payday. Somebody who
will wash your dishes while you lean on the counter and talk. Somebody who will
take you to dinner on your birthday.
Lesson six
BE WISE FINANCIALLY. This is imperative. The financial burden of a single
income household can be incredible. Little things count. Save when you can,
conserve your resources, and avoid debt as much as possible. If tithing or
offerings are part of your faith structure, remember your money is more
important than the widow’s mite. DO NOT pay tithing on child support. It is NOT
income. It is money the other parent is using to support their children and you
only administrate in in behalf of the children.
Lesson seven
– DO THINGS THE EASY WAY. Frozen pizza,
salad from Wendy’s, soup from cans instead of homemade. These things exist to
make our lives easier. Sometimes your time is more valuable than your money. If
you have resources it may be worth it to pay somebody to do things for you. If
you get super behind on laundry it is easier to get a couple of rolls of
quarters and send a couple of hours in a laundromat and have it OVER rather
than spend two or three days doing one load at a time, always missing the rinse
cycle and then as soon as it is all finished somebody has to change clothes or
get ready for bed anyway!
Lesson Eight
- SAY NO. No, you can’t be the chairperson of the PTA Fundraiser, NO you can’t
make and decorate 48 cupcakes for the Cub Scout meeting. NO you can’t be a
Sunday School Teacher.
Lesson Nine
– SAY YES. Yes, teenage neighbor, there are a couple of things I could use help
with. YES, local Scout Troop, I would love some help with yard work. YES, neighbor,
I really could use some tomatoes from your garden.
Lesson Ten –
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually,
whatever that means to you, or you will not be able to take care of the
children. Use the first nine lessons as a start; add on SLEEP enough, EAT WELL,
get counseling if you need it, drink water, move your body in a way that works
for you, and all that stuff we all KNOW we are supposed to do.
It can sound
so simple, but there nothing easy about it. Things get all jumbled and confused
when you are living it. There are always time crunches, money crunches, emotional
issues involved with every decision you make.
Sometimes it
is nice to be single. You don’t have to check with anybody to spend money. If
you want to go out to dinner instead of cooking, just go – things like that.
There will always be consequences to the foolish things you do and you always
have to take the heat for it alone.
I want to
tell about my friend Deanna. She got divorced and had four children at home,
the oldest was eight. Deanna had never gone to college at all, but she started
at Indiana University as a continuing studies student. Deanna received some
financial aid, also worked part-time jobs at fast food joints and housekeeping.
She earned an Associate’s degree in general studies, then was accepted into a
program to earn a Bachelor’s in Math education. Now she has a Master’s degree, was
certified as a ‘highly qualified” math teacher and traveled around and trained
other teachers all over the United States to use assessments and other tools to
improve the education in their school systems and classrooms. She accomplished
all of that as a single parent.
Parenting is
tough. Single parenting is tougher. It can be done well. There is never any
guarantee in any family, but any family could use these tips and work toward
stability and happiness.
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