Headache today -

This is how my left ankle often looks - and this is on a not-too-bad day. This picture was taken in June, when my RIGHT ankle, the one I sprained so badly was still swelling at night, yet on this particular night, the LEFT ankle was bigger! One of the joys of being me. You can also see how the top of the foot and the toes are swollen - it makes my foot "Thick" so wearing shoes and walking is MORE uncomfortable. It is quite discouraging to try to exercise and walk when the skin of my foot and ankle literally feels TIGHT from the swelling. I hate it so much. Right know I am taking TWO kinds of diuretics and whenever I go see Dr. Karin she does stuff that is supposed to open the channels and help the lymphatic system. Usually after I see her it is better for a couple of days and then comes back. In the meantime I keep taking the meds and drinking lots of water. Boring medical shit, I know, but everyday life for me!


I finally decided it is sinus so I went for the heavy stuff. No missing work tomorrow because Mondays are always insane and Kerri is gone to Florida! I will be logging off and trying to sleep as soon as I finishe typing this and do just a few more dishes.

I didn't make a list today, but I I had a great, productive and feel-good day. I:
made three pillowcases for the little travel pillows I use in my bed to keep my neck and shoulders even. This has been on my list of projects to complete for YEARS, honestly.

watched "Slumdog Millionaire" magnificently heartbreaking.

baked a loaf of "Beer bread" with added stuff so Michael would have some more calories. He says he thinks he's been at a deficit every day since he's been in the dorm. It would help if he would use the elevator. He's on the 6th floor and walks up the stairs every time.

Had a guy over to do an estimate on fixing the bathroom from the craptastic job the sweet old man did, and also completing the rest of the work and some other odd jobs.

Made a majorly good dinner of poached tilapia on a bed of onions and garlic with peppers and tomatoes and basil from the garden. Ben nuked some potatoes to go with it. It was basically wonderful. (Ben is also a fantastic cook, but he hasn't really shown me all his skill yet!)

Watched two episodes of "Hoarders, Buried Alive" on TLC. My fascination with these shows is almost as morbidly personal as my fascination with the shows about the extremely obese people. I have to convince myself that I am not like that AND remind myself what might happen if I let it get out of hand. Dealing with my parents has helped me begin to purge, but I still need reminders.

Watched two episodes of "WKRP in Cincinnati" while I worked on the hand-stitching part of the pillows.

Some people from Freecycle came over to look at Michael's dresser and see if they might want it. I think they do, but they have to arrange for a truck first. I am NOT taking Michael's room away from him. There will be some changes made, but this dresser has needed to go for a LONG time and I made sure to check that he does not have an emotional attachment to it first.

I have promised Michael that as long as I live in Bloomington he will have a place to come home to if he wants. Even if I should sell the house and get an apartment or condo where there will always be space for him, especially if he is living in dorms. If he decides to live off campus in an apartment with a full year lease, etc.... he may not have his own "room" as such, but he will have a home to come to with space for him.

This was a "List Free Sunday" and I feel happy that I did things I really wanted to do without feeling this obligation... The only thing I have kept track of officially is how many glasses of water I've had, because my left foot/ankle swelling is still pretty bad. I'm on glass number 6 right now and I think these are about 12 oz glasses so I ought to be okay. I took some pictures of my swelling one day. I should see if I can fin them and post them.... let me go look!

Tomorrow is back to work to a busy, busy day with Kerri gone. Sigh. She works a lot AND I send her my frustration emails when I am fed up and she is SO GOOD at responding with something wonderful and positive. I will miss her tomorrow.

I love my son,

but I am somewhat liberated from catering to vegetarianism. In celebration I ordered pizza tonight with pepperoni AND sausage! I will have to go back to vegetables because I am really starting to watch my food intake again. It was nice for tonight, though!

Mowed tonight and it felt good. I found a big tomato worm on one of the tomatoes and with no Ben home and no Michael I had to pick it off myself. I smashed it with a piece of limestone. I took pictures and Ben thought that was totally gross. I know he thinks some of the things I do are completely bizarre, but that's just me. My brief description on Facebook says, "Happy and Crazy." I think it's accurate. I've been a little too far away from the "happy" lately, and a little too close to the dark side of "crazy," but photos of smashed garden pests fit right in the right kind of crazy for normalcy... right?

Ben has been working his ass off on the website. It looks so cool. I can't wait to get it finished and get it online. Somewhere in the next couple of days we will be choosing a new site for web hosting and going live. I found that GoDaddy from whom I purchased my Domain name, doesn't really do well at web hosting, so I need to pick another provider. Honestly, I don't understand much of it, but I am trusting Ben. I also purchased the domain name for ClockQuirks when that business was a possibility. The web host we are mostly considering has unlimited domain names for the same price so if I ever start making clocks again (and I think I will), I could also get a site on there AND it includes a free shopping cart, online purchasing, etc. I'll let you all know when it's ready!

Eric and I went out to karaoke tonight and it was very relaxing - not too crowded and some good and fun singers. I sang songs that I have sung before so it was comfortable for me. I didn't feel like stretching my vocal boundaries tonight!

Now it's off to bed. It is actually a pleasant temperature and it should be a good night's sleep and a no alarm morning! Whoopee! If Ben wakes up first he'd better be quiet! He was already in bed when I arrived home about an hour ago so I know he's got at least an hour on me, but I slept a 12 hour night last night (no kidding) and I think he usually sleeps longer than I do anyway.

So there.

Less than 24 hours...

... and I will have an empty nest! Unless you count Ben, but he feeds himself. I don't have to chew his food first and puke it into his mouth like I do for Michael.

Michael is getting packed and ready to go for real. He wants to get to the dorms by 9:00. He figures that is before the big crowds will show up.

I sliced a finger just a little washing dishes tonight. I was thinking of asking Ben to come finish the dishes, even though he hasn't really cooked and eaten here much the past couple of days because his mom has been visiting. He came out of his room within thirty seconds (honest) of my thought and offered to do the dishes tonight! Scary or what?

Erin gave me a compliment today about list making. She wrote in her blog about my list making. She also made what she called "Hope-worthy" lists of things to do. I think her lists are really massive! She made about 20 days worth of my lists! I made sure to caution her that not completing each task is GOOD. It indicates knowing about setting priorities and making good choices!

Speaking of which - because I sliced my finger just a little tonight while washing dishes all items remaining on my list except "Watch something fun" and "Toes" are now deleted for the evening. SO I am going to go to my room, turn on the electronics, get out the manicure set and ACHIEVE, baby!

Back On track Report

Not posted on FB, only here, but I did change my status back to "Single."

I broke up with Garet. It was feeling like more of a burden to have a relationship than not. Also I felt like he always expected me to put his needs above my own and I don't need anyone else in my life like that right now! Maybe there will be a time later where we can be together. I do love him, but then I love my parents too, and I have had to cut myself off from them in many ways to save myself. It sounds like a backward step in some ways because it was good for me to develop a relationship. I feel like I learned a lot however. I learned that there are certain ways I deserve to be treated and it is not wrong of me to expect that treatment.

I think the bad thing about our breakup is that I did do it in kind of a bitchy way. That may nix any chance for the future. At the same time, if he is 46 years old and hasn't learned the behaviors that he needs to know to function as an adult and to treat women with respect, how much chance is there that that will really change? I don't want to go into a laundry list of his bad behaviors, that's not fair. I think you will all agree with me that if I am going to be in a relationship I deserve to be treated like the queen I really am!

Back on track Report 8-17-10

by Hope Leeper on Tuesday, August 17, 2010 at 10:35pm

Walked 37 minutes at Yellowwood.

Took a load of stuff out of my house to the Opportunity House.

Planning to check my online games, do a couple of tasks, maybe watch something (currently on WKRP in Cincinnati on Hulu!), and aim for bed by midnight.

Think I can do it?

Back on track report 8-17-10

I feel like things are going well. I am trying to do things for myself and things that make me happy. I spent Saturday with Susan going garage sailing and then out to lunch. It was not so much bargain hunting, but spending time with Susan that was great.

Yesterday I spent a large part of the day napping! I never put on regular clothes! It's funny. On the phone today Garet asked me what I did yesterday - I said nothing because all I was thinking about was the napping. Then I realized I watched a movie, polished my copper-bottomed pots, took trash out, did a load of laundry, read a bunch of my current book ("Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" a MUST READ!!). I also installed a doorknob, put away some tools that have been lingering in my room, organized my bathroom closet, and probably about five other things I don't remember. I think the point is that it felt like "nothing" because even though it sounds like tasks and troubles it was all stuff I WANTED to do! I also watched some TV. I haven't watched TV on TV as opposed to the internet for a long time.

So it felt great. I need to squeeze some exercise in there and that kind of day will be a perfect day.

After work tonight I did some quick dinner. After dinner I spent some time chatting with Michael. I realized I haven't weeded a lot this year and remembered how much I enjoyed it last year and went out and had a great session - just like meditation or therapy. Imagine relaxed sigh here. Now I have a couple more tasks on my little list and then I'm off to dreamland.

PS - Note on my blog roll that Michael started a blog. He would especially like his cousins and relatives to read it!

PPS - Nephew Paul is back from Iraq! I guess he is stranded in Maine right now, but should be getting home to Washington state to Wife and child soon!

I should be allowed

to have three men in my life
1) Perfect domestic partner who cooks AND washes dishes.
2) One great to go out with and do fun things (but should enjoy music more)
3) One fabulous sex partner

OR one great combination of all three, but also makes a lot of money!

Some more Back on tracks...

Today at 11:46pm

It's been an interesting few days.

The good things about back on track were that for the most part I have been able to be active and done some good things.

The bad thing is that it is still taking a lot of medication to keep the neck mobile and pain free - not even pain free, really, just less pain

SO - I had a "talking to" at work because I nodded off at my desk! Seriously. But the pills that truly make it so I don't have to do the "whole body turn" make me sleepy! You think the Exedrin full of caffeine would counteract it, but it doesn't. So I am probably going to have to start chugging coffee to go along with the Excedrin if the stiff neck doesn't stop soon. I could start sitting at my desk with an ice pack around my neck all day. I swear my coworkers think I am making it up, but it is REAL PAIN, even if it is caused by psychological issues of stress and worry it is manifesting in physical symptoms. If I gave into it psychologically I would be home in bed in the fetal position, or committing suicide or physically abusing myself or Michael (he could kick my ass, but he wouldn't). Instead I am trying to remain FUNCTIONING mentally so it is coming out physically. Maybe some people just don't get how inter-connected everything is.

Here are some good things I have done for self-care in the past few days:
Gone to an orchestra concert at IU with Michael
Gone to "Disco Night" with girlfriends.
Gone to IU summer session opera workshop with Garet.
Met up with a friend from old times and got caught up while she was here visiting - WAIT - did that with TWO friends this weekend!
Made some good food with produce from my own garden.
Had some good physical activity by mowing (even though now I am hurting a lot).
Started some more of the purging and cleaning process. My bathroom closet is started and I no longer have two "junk drawers," just two drawers with useful and organized items!
Michael made a fire tonight and we toasted a couple of marshmallows and had s'mores. It was nice.

A couple of bad things - made a couple of purchases I shouldn't have. I will regret the repercussions probably, but it was an instant gratification thing I gave into. Also ate out too much and too expensively during the social nights. I need to practice eating before I go and learn to be comfortable enough just ordering a water!

Back on Track Report 8-4-10

Thursday at 7:47am

Garet and I walked at the mall for just over half an hour tonight. It was MUCH too hot to do anything outside, if you ask me. SO that is three days in a row with some physical activity. To demonstrate how much I desire this --- I showed Garet some of my old calendars tonight. For several years I have recorded a monthly goal of minutes of physical activity. A few years ago my monthly goals were often 800-1000 minutes per month - I noticed one month I achieved over 1200. This month my goal is 400. Quite a depletion. I feel pleased with myself, however, that I have decided to make it a priority again. ALSO my therapist (Back on track #?) said that exercise is a wonderful tool for controlling anxiety disorders of which I suffer multiple and severe at this time.

Garet gets boyfriend kudos for being patient after we had stopped the exercise part of the mall and I spent some time looking at stuff and talking to a friend. I HATE waiting on other people to look at stuff. I just about go bonkers if I shop with Heather and Emily and they want to try on clothes and stuff.

The feet did not enjoy the walking part of the evening and half an hour is probably the max they could have taken. I am going to stop soon and take a cool epsom salts bath. I just have a FEW more things on the list, but some may be able to get transferred to tomorrow.

Back on Track Report 8-3-10

Swam again - I did the most distance I have done so far this year which felt great physically. I did a little freestyle, however, which probably wasn't good for the neck. It's pretty stiff right now.

Mom and Dad still having problems in Lafayette. I am trying to help long distance. It's even tough to do that. I don't like to talk on the phone and so many leads seem to lead to nowhere!

I've had a couple of days where I have only had to take pain meds once.

Been eating good food. The tomatoes are in and things are good. Tonight I had a big bowl of tomatoes, cucumbers and onions with a little red wine vinegar and olive oil. Delicious and I felt so good to be eating nice fresh food! I'm not admitting what I had for lunch, but I hope it all balances out....

I realized I haven't been keeping a calendar for the past couple of months, which is something I have done fairly consistently for many years. I think that is another sign of how stressed I have been. I am going to try to get going on that again. It makes me feel good to look at a page and see all the things I have done and helps me realize that I don't really waste a lot of time like I think I do.

And a little more personal than what I posted on FB. I saw a therapist today. I also saw her a couple of years ago. I know her style and she is not one who will just let me go in and bitch about my week and leave. She will really make me get down to the nitty gritty and decide to work on it . That's why I quit seeing her before - it was too scary and hard. So I knew when I made the appointment to see her I was making the decision to get down to it. We went ahead and did assessments because it had been so long. She doesn't think I am depressed, rather have PTSD and severe anxiety disorders. She agrees with Dr. Karin that the anxiety and stress is causing the physical pain and symptoms. I have an appt. again on Friday 13th!

I am frightened, but also ready to be over the pain, physically and emotionally.

Beautiful Ben has moved in. So far, so good. Today when I introduced him and Garet I said, "Ben this is my boyfriend, Garet. Garet, this is Ben, the man I live with!" Clever eh?

I've stayed up too late but I had stuff I wanted to do. Now I am about done and I should be heading to lala land soon. Good night!