Shrink tonight.

It was productive, but difficult. I am so frustrated that I have emotional connections to insane stuff like housekeeping. We talked a lot about "keeping house" with Ben as roommate. How it is good practice for me in communication and give and take, etc... I need to learn to be happy with help. For example a couple of days ago Ben cleaned the veggie drawer and got rid of the yucky strawberries and cleaned the rest, etc... It was a GOOD thing, a NICE thing. Instead of feeling grateful , well really I WAS grateful, so I should say in ADDITION to feeling grateful, however, I felt defensive. Like it meant I am wasteful with food, I don't keep the fridge clean enough, like it was some kind of judgment about the way I don't do it right! Really, for God's sake, Hope, he just cleaned out the effing vegetable drawer. Drop all that emotional shit and be happy there are no longer blue, fuzzy strawberries in there!

I have all these blocks that will keep me from being emotionally available in relationships. If I keep my emotions occupied with guilt or resentment or defense....I don't have to worry about forming relationships because all my emotional energy is tied up in the crap. Sigh.... It's amazing that I have such good friendships and even friendships with some men. One thing I think I recognized today however is that in my friendships and also in my relationships with Emily and Michael I am able to be "Lighthearted." - at least the majority of the time. I decided that a lighthearted attitude and behaviors are not that way I act when faced with a potential partner relationship. My relationship with my "Not boyfriend," on the other hand is extremely lighthearted and we can play and tease and have fun. There is no need to work on issues pertaining to potential long-term partnership because we have already determined that is not in our future. So poor Garet, he got the not-lighthearted Hope and in a very stressful time in my life.

When I think about the past year I think...
October Dad had the stroke and fall, I also got a HUGE fee speeding ticket and my license suspended.
November - conflict with Heather over holidays
December - more holidays and with financial stress involved
January - Heather robbed and I absorbed a lot of stress from that.
Computer broke down completely, crippling Michael's schoolwork and my abilities to work on ways to grow the business somewhat. Also had to break from Katie at this time, who has been a dear friend for over 20 years and really grieved that break.
February - March - I think Dad in nursing home, going to Lafayette every week or every other week, dealing with trying to get him home etc... he went home sometime in there
Somewhere in there started dating Garet
April - I think that's when the car broke down and I had to spend a couple hundred dollars, also the first fall and when I ripped my knee open the first time. Orchestra trip to Atlanta which was fun, but hard in many ways, too.
Somewhere in there was major dental work, which is HUGE stress for me. ( still owe bills from it, too)
Still going to Lafayette about every other weekend.
Started to regain the weight...
May -decide to start training with a 5K in mind - second fall, spraining the ankle and ripped open the same knee.
April through May - VERY stressful end of school year Michael taking trips, orchestra trip, Michael having stress behaviors which frightened me.
I thought June would bring relief, then Mom and Dad decided to go ahead and put the house on the market and move to the apartment. More trips to Lafayette, working in a toxic environment, trying to help with applications, paperwork, etc.
July and August - can't think of anything, but started questioning if relationship with Garet was healthy and really what I wanted. Still going to Lafayette on a regular basis and very emotional and physical work getting Mom and Dad moved.
Then the break up...
Then getting Michael the rest of the way ready for school, oh and all along that was going on, with deadlines for forms and copies of financial stuff and teen angst and argh...
And all the time worrying about my health, gaining the weight back, WORK STRESS because all the other stress affected my work behavior, attendance, etc.. AND one person was very difficult to be near on a daily basis AND he was supposed to be gone July 3, but it's not happening until tomorrow (YAY AND THANK GOD/GODDESS OR KARMA OR WHATEVER!).

No freaking wonder I got so off track. I may need a year or more to get BACK ON!