Sunday, November 10, 2013


Last night I said something like, "I don't know what you are. Are you my...?" and K. finished it with "Friend." and that's true. I know he cares about me, even though he doesn't love me.

Last night we were lying in bed and he was telling stories for a long time and I was just listening and asking the occasional clarifying question and he asked, "Why are you just letting me go on and on?" I replied, "You know why. Do you want me to say it?" and he answered, "No, don't say it." He knows that answer is, "Because I love you."

Today I realized This is the best bad relationship of my life. He doesn't love me and acknowledges it, yet he treats me better than men (or even women friends, rarely) who profess to love me, yet hurt me endlessly.


Me: I just realized this: I am in the best bad relationship of my life. I am not being abused and right now the things that I receive are enough to overcome the things that I don't. I am not required or even requested to give more than I can or to do anything that I don't like. Does that make any sense at all?
So what's bad about it?
Bad sex or missing sex?
He doesn't love me and he doesn't have sex without love. He is still in love with his ex wife.
and it is interesting in that I use the word sex, and not love. Hmmm... psychoanalysis says I think I deserve good sex, but perhaps I am a little short of believing I deserve to be loved.
I believe this relationship will probably end when he is tired of being with somebody he doesn't love or when I realize I deserve to be loved. 

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