Gratitude

Last night I worked at the shelter and one of the guests coughed his pneumonia cough all over me and I remembered the time I was SO SICK with pneumonia and I have been thinking about that today, as well as other times I was sick and my friends helped me so much. I can't imagine how awful it must be to be that sick and have to stay out in the cold, mostly standing, until the shelter opens at 9:00. I tried to talk to Keith about it a little bit tonight, but I was going to weep copiously if I talked about it too much. 

 

 

Today I have thought about what it would mean to be sick or have health problems or issues and have no bed to go home to and no one to take care of you. I remember so many times my friends have helped me. Once Whryne brought magic soup to me and actually had to feed it to me. I really think I might have died if she hadn't done that. Debra Garrison came to see me in the hospital after a surgery and I didn't start to recover until she came. Deanna sat with me while I was in labor and had no other support. Samuel and Christine supported me so much during my first pregnancy... I mention the physical support, but the emotional support was and is always present in my life. J. Todd and Missy Too have been my online support more than they might know or remember. So many have helped me when I was suffering chronic pain and anxiety and fatigue they can't even be named. Through those incidents I have survived and every day I thrive because of the love of my friends. Thank you to you all and also to my friends through the heartnet who aren't here on Facebook. That's gratitude.

Like · · Share · 14 minutes ago · Edited ·

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• Whryne Rasheed likes this.
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  Hope E Golightly Scarlett, Christine, Erin, Kim, Kathy, Ken, Byron, Kathy, Cetti, Carol, Jim, Laura, so basically, I am starting to list all 200 of you!I love my friends!

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  Whryne Rasheed Oh Hopie I don't even remember doing that! I was just thinking the other day about being surrounded by such love, support and comfort. Last year when I was sick YOU brought Me food and Sandy made me my favorite soup even though she thought it was gro...See More

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  Hope E Golightly Oh man! I just remembered when I was losing my mind trying to put up a Christmas tree and Eric came right over and helped me! Haha! I was seriously on the verge of a breakdown.... and how Christy and Steve helped me through my first couple of Thanksgiving Days without my children...and taught me to not serve canned cranberry sauce still shaped like the can!

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  Hope E Golightly Whryne don't we have beautiful f***ing lives?

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  Connie Chamberlin Farish Oh Hope, I never though of that. I remember this year how sick I was, and how my bed was turned down and favorite pajamas warmed up in the dryer for me as I returned from chemo. The smallest things meant the world to me. My daughters took great care of me, and still felt they were not doing anything to help me. I wish I could make them understand how much they DID do by being by my side.

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  Hope E Golightly Oh man... once I went to Lisa's to help when she was pregnant and I got a debilitating migraine and SHE took care of me! Thank you, Lisa!

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Sick.

I have a terrible cold, which started about Tuesday. It has been at its peak this weekend. Both Friday and Saturday K. came over and spent time with me. Friday we watched Zoolander, a goofy movie that made him guffaw. Last night we just snuggled... It got a little intense, which scares him. I finally just told him, "just let me love you and don't worry about it." I feel a little bit worried because he hasn't contacted me today, but then Sunday is not always a day we spend together. I am signed up for the set up shift at the Interfaith Winter Shelter and I am feeling well enough to go. It is not really a shift that has direct contact with clients so I don't have to worry about spreading my germs with a bunch of people who don't have health care.

After I move this load of clothes to the dryer I am going to go rest in bed in preparation for the evening shift. It will be hard to go back to work and work a full shift after all this resting and illness. I only work Monday and Tuesday, then I am off Wednesday and Thursday.... Thursday night I have a shelter shift, back to work on Friday and I start my NEW, SECOND JOB after I get off work at the paper on Friday! More on that later.

Movie/ Stuff

I finally received the check in payment for the Escort today and I called the car dealership and told them they could cash my down payment check. Phew! One burden off my mind.

I had to call Cooper the handyman and tell him I cannot afford to pay him for the lock changing. He was really very nice and told me as long as I pay it by Dec. 31 for he can close his books for the year I am okay. I really appreciate his flexibility!

I went to the movies right after work because it is only $5 before 6:00. I saw Gravity. It was very intense and I enjoyed it. I would have liked to have company for that one so I could have had a hand to hold.

I am going to Carmel to visit Lisa and family this weekend. I haven't seen the babies for too long. I hope they remember me! When I come back Sunday evening I will work my first shift at the Interfaith Winter Shelter. I am nervous about it, but really anxious to do something I believe is good and helpful for people.

I read this blog http://blog.mindfitmove.com/2013/10/30/which-world-do-you-belong-to/
earlier this week and I picked up this from the rend.

May I be free from fear and anxiety
May I be at ease.
May I be happy.

I called it a mantra or thought sequence I told this to Gillian today and she took it a little further.

I am free from fear and anxiety.
I am at ease.
I am happy.

Nice.

Maybe it's this.

http://www.xojane.com/newagey/for-someone-who-never-believed-in-it-i-am-so-glad-mercury-is-acting-normal-again

which points to this:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/larry-schwimmer/top-10-things-not-to-do-d_b_4133136.html

The Huff Post article notes that the time period was from Oct 21 to Nov 10.

Really I thought my chaos started with the stop sign ticket... of course the trip to New Mexico was in there and that was pretty fabulous, maybe it really started with the hassle after I had to return the rental car before getting a new one lined up, financed, insured, etc. Plus Heather's wedding was on the first... it really was great, but the issue of not having a car made it difficult in some respects.

Hmmm...

Better day

I accomplished two major paperwork portions of the recovery from the past couple months. I sent my payment for the deferred judgment on the alleged running of the stop sign. Almost $200, when I really did NOT run a stop sign. I have no way to prove, however, that I did not.

I called the insurer of the guy who hit me and straightened out that they need to send the money NOW. The guy said they would FedEx it tomorrow and I should receive it by Thursday.

On the other end of the spectrum Dave Cooper, the handyman who changed all my locks because of the Eric fiasco called and wants his $407. He always gives 60 days to pay and I have ALWAYS paid him on time, even when it was thousands of dollars to roof the entire house. Ugh. I will have to call him tomorrow - I didn't get his voice mail until after 8:00 and he doesn't take calls after that - and ask for grace.

So two things accomplished, but still no idea where the funds for the other will come from...

Drama -

The good kind.

Last night K. and I went to a Cardinal Stage production of "August, Osage County." It was excellent theater. An amazing, well-written play and superb sets and acting. The best actors were ones I know from doing "To Kill A Mockingbird." I am so proud to have share a stage at one time with Constance Macy. She was amazeballs last night. K. didn't like the show because it was too close to reality...he would rather be entertained by comedy, but I was really into it. I would love to spend some time analyzing it... like my theory that the character of Johnna is a God-figure and that the dinner is "The Last Supper..."

Good night at the Food Bank tonight. There were a lot of people in the kitchen and even some Cub Scouts, but I didn't feel too anxious and enjoyed the work.

Definitions...

Last night I said something like, "I don't know what you are. Are you my...?" and K. finished it with "Friend." and that's true. I know he cares about me, even though he doesn't love me.

Last night we were lying in bed and he was telling stories for a long time and I was just listening and asking the occasional clarifying question and he asked, "Why are you just letting me go on and on?" I replied, "You know why. Do you want me to say it?" and he answered, "No, don't say it." He knows that answer is, "Because I love you."

Today I realized This is the best bad relationship of my life. He doesn't love me and acknowledges it, yet he treats me better than men (or even women friends, rarely) who profess to love me, yet hurt me endlessly.

FACEBOOK MESSAGES WITH LISA:

Me: I just realized this: I am in the best bad relationship of my life. I am not being abused and right now the things that I receive are enough to overcome the things that I don't. I am not required or even requested to give more than I can or to do anything that I don't like. Does that make any sense at all?

So what's bad about it?

Sex

Bad sex or missing sex?

He doesn't love me and he doesn't have sex without love. He is still in love with his ex wife.

and it is interesting in that I use the word sex, and not love. Hmmm... psychoanalysis says I think I deserve good sex, but perhaps I am a little short of believing I deserve to be loved.

I believe this relationship will probably end when he is tired of being with somebody he doesn't love or when I realize I deserve to be loved. 

He loves me not.

and I know it, and somehow it is okay, and I could still lie all night in his arms.