Staying home tonight

and taking Michael in the morning. I am so tired that driving would be dangerous. Also there was a Bike Project thing tonight he really wanted to attend. For once, Ed was flexible and I am glad. I really think I could not have made the drive safely.

Last night I fell asleep at about 8:00 - on the couch. I had curled up at one end to read while Michael did his homework at the other end. I awakened about 2:00 with my book on the floor. I went in to bed after that, but then I really had nightmares the rest of the night and woke up frequently. I don't remember all the dreams, but I know many of them took place in the trailer where I lived a lot of the time when I was growing up. I don't know WHY that trailer was so terrible, but Heather and I both agree that it was "haunted" or "evil" in some way. She said she specifically feels like it was my room that was haunted. So my dreams were that I was in the space that was the most terrifying space I can think of... even though I don't know what happened there, or if anything really did happen there. The physical and sexual abuse I DO remember had all ended by that time so it is really strange. I feel like this experience with Roma really has triggered some kind of PTSD. So you think the State Department will pay for my shrink because they sent me a mentally ill child?

I am trying to get over my anger with Roma and recognize him as a child who needs help, but it is going to take some time. In his profile they had given us every teacher had given glowing reviews and high recommendations. I really think that either in between the application time or because of the stress of coming some serious mental illness kicked in.

I may have written it here before already and I am too lazy to go back and review... but somebody said (and I can't remember who) that it may be the best thing that ever happened to Roma that he came to OUR house, where after a while I recognized it was a mental problem and not just a rude, hostile kid. Lots of people said things about how the Eastern Europeans are often rude and antagonistic, and he's just a homesick kid and it's just culture shock, but there came this day when all the sudden I realized... it's just like when I was living with Ed... and it clicked in my head. HE IS ILL. He needs help. It took a while for it all to gel, but at least it gelled BEFORE any actual violence to himself or others occurred.

I am staying home tonight - already in my "soft clothes" and just reading or watching TV or cleaning as I feel like it. I am going to take it very easy on myself.

I have realized that I really want to hike the loop at Griffy this weekend, so that is on the list. Maybe I can find a friend to go with me. We'll see.

Happy today for peaceful moments.