Weight Loss

Here is the new goal: To be under 210 by the end of April. That means the scale will read 209.8 or under by April 30. Rewards possible are new pair of jeans, or if cannot afford the jeans, will search diligently for new summery top from Thrift store.

I realized yesterday that I have plenty of psychological issues with weight loss. Even though I have been losing weight steadily recently, seemingly without trying, it occurred to me that I might ask Gina from work if she would go shopping with me. Let me introduce you to Gina. I have known her many years, long before we began to work together. She was a great support to me when I was in my marriage. She has been through some rocky roads herself and seems to have come through quite well balanced. Also she is very physically fit and has encouraged me well and appropriately in my efforts to exercise consistently and to eat well. Sometimes when people encourage me I react by feeling rebellious and behaving exactly opposite. Gina always knows the right thing to say and I never feel rebellious toward her encouragement. She is a really good example to me in a lot of ways and I really admire her. Now really, I probably don't need shopping advice. I actually buy quite healthy food because Michael prefers it and I try to have what he likes available for him. I am actually well read and educated in nutrition having taken diabetes education classes and just reading a lot and researching on my own. For some reason, however, I felt like I would like support from Gina on a shopping trip. When I imagined it, however, I almost went into a panic attack! What the heck?! Like I said, Gina has supported me well in the past and I know she would if I asked her, unless there were some reason she absolutely could not.

Last night Michael and I were talking a little bit about the weight loss because of the possibility of achieving the goal today - a month earlier than planned or expected. I said it kind of scares me and he was really surprised by that. I talked a little about how there are lots of psychological issues involved with weight loss and that some of them involve sexuality and that he doesn't want to talk about those with his mom! My first issue is that I am afraid of losing it too fast that I won't be able to maintain it. That for some reason it will be a temporary change and nothing that I am able to maintain life long. I want to make sure that whatever I am doing I can do it FOREVER. It was so disappointing and discouraging last time to regain the weight. I was very harsh on myself emotionally and very judgemental. Also I know it is harder on your heart and metabolism to lose weight and regain it than just to have stayed fat. Another issue is that the attention can be difficult to bear. It is kind of mixed when people start to notice and comment on the weight loss. When I lost fifty pounds before sometimes I felt like nobody noticed and I couldn't wait for somebody to compliment me or mention or ask if I was losing weight. Other times I would HATE it when people would comment on my weight loss, even when I knew they meant it as a positive and encouraging thing. It felt like such a personal battle and so intimate. Maybe I can compare it to when a woman is pregnant and suddenly people feel like they are allowed to touch your belly. When you are losing weight, they don't physically touch you like that, but it is a very emotional thing (especially if you compulsively eat because of emotional issues) and wanting to talk about it invades your emotional "space." The third issue for me has to do with sexuality. I have been pretty happy the past many years being mostly relationship-free. I have dated a few times, had a few crushes and had a couple of flings. For the most part, however, being fat has kept me pretty "safe." Fat is undesirable to most men in our society. Therefore I have been safe from the complications of having any serious relationship. I really enjoy my uncomplicated life! You know I find happiness in every day. I find happiness in my home, my family (for the most part! :) ) , with my friendships, in my projects, my hobbies, my work, working toward my career goals for the future and all that. Yeah, I get lonely for male companionship every once in a while (thus, the couple of flings), but WHY in the world would I want to complicate all that with the possibility of actually becoming physically attractive to a wider range of men and expanding the potential for a serious relationship when I could be protected from all that by this lovely fat? PLUS, historically, every time I have had a serious relationship with a man I chose some asshole who abused me in some way! Can I trust myself that I have grown up enough and learned enough to actually make correct judgments about men and their sanity, maturity and kindness levels? I don't know. That is the scariest thing of all. That I would open myself up to further abuse and ruin myself further. So yeah, getting losing weight means more than getting healthy and and taking less medicine. That's all good. It means an increase in doubt and fear.