I did something brave today.

I told Cory (my Ad Director - big Boss, next to Publisher for me) something he had done that really bothered me. There is quite the attitude of sarcastic humor in our office and it can be really funny, but it can also be really cutting. I try not to use sarcastic humor. I have always told Emily and Michael not to use it. I will admit I DO use it sometimes, sometimes frequently. I try to be aware of it though, and I try to catch myself and apologize for it. I believe it can really be hurtful.

A couple of months, maybe even three or four months ago, Cory was hanging out in Peaceful Valley (my part of the office) and joking around with us and teasing me. I kind of said something about how I didn't like it and he replied, "Oh you know you love it when I abuse you." Well, no, not really. I just let it go, but i has been festering inside me ever since. Maybe it was just his use of the word "abuse." Maybe if he had said teased or joked around or something it wouldn't have been in my head so long. But it was there. I have been too abused too much by too many people in my life to just let it sit. So today I did this:

December 6, 2007.

Cory –

No, I am not quitting. Sorry!

This has been eating away at me for a couple of months. One day in Peaceful Valley you made a joke that I love to be “abused.” Maybe if you had used a different word, like “teased” or “joked with” or “messed around with” it wouldn’t have bothered me, but you didn’t and it did bother me – a lot, and now for a long time. I don’t know if you know my story, but I am going to share it with you in all its unedited glory.

I am not asking for pity or for anything really, except maybe for some understanding. We do have a culture around the office where sarcastic humor and teasing are common. I know I do some of it too, so am not blameless in that respect.

I wrote the following several years ago for an introduction in an online forum. There may be some references to churchy stuff that seem strange, either because the vocabulary is particular to the Mormon religion or because you may know I have left that church and am no longer religious at all and you’ll be saying, “What, that heathen PRAYED?” Yeah, it actually happened. That part of my life and feelings are completely different now, but I recognize it as part of what has shaped who I am and how I behave in all my relationships both personally and professionally.

And probably giving this to you or asking you to read this is completely unprofessional, but oh well. I know that you have been concerned about me personally at least a little bit over the years. This is about the jerk with whom I still deal every single dang week and take my son to visit and it still affects my life every day. It’s easier to write about it than to talk about it because everything is easier for me to write than to say.

Maybe the “mind reader” (hah!) mentioning my memoirs Sunday got me thinking about it some more, because I’m sure most people wonder what in the world could I have experienced that would be interesting to read. Maybe this will explain a little bit the whole lot of crazy! ☺

I actually wouldn’t mind if Elizabeth read this, but I would not want it passed around in like a department head meeting or something.

Hope

(Elizabeth is his wife - I like her a lot)

And I printed out MOST of the story that most of you have probably read about marrying and leaving Ed and gave it to him.

He read it right away and sent me an email apologizing for using words that had been hurtful to me. Said that he had not been aware of my history and that he had no "evil intent." I assured him that if I felt he had meant to be hurtful I would have gone directly to human resources, but this was a personal matter, not a personnel matter.

I know Cory cares about me as a person. A couple of years ago when I was quite visibly depressed and frustrated with my job he called me to his office and reminded me that the company would pay for counseling for me and counseled me quite seriously (literally crying) that maybe sales is not the right career for me. He was very concerned I would commit suicide because of a couple of meltdowns that were known about at work. I think he invented my current position to get me out of sales and provide job security for me in our even more competitive and sales-oriented atmosphere than ever before and I am grateful for it. I didn't want my feelings about the use of one word to make there be a barrier where there shouldn't be.

I feel very drained, emotionally and also because I think I am half sick. I left early yesterday and came home and slept. I came home and slept today and made Michael make the yummy frozen pizza for dinner. I am trying to stay up late enough to watch er but I don't think it's going to happen and I am kind of sad, because I really like it and it is kind of a weekly treat.

I hope I don't walk in and get fired tomorrow. If I do, we'll know all my perceptions about Cory were completely wrong and my judgment is REALLY bad.

Good night!