Feeling somewhat blue

I have been thinking a lot the past few days about my state of mind. Usually I feel like I am really happy. When LJ or has you choose a "mood" at the end of a post I usually choose one that is positive and I really feel that I look for one that reflects the current moment.

The last few days, however, I have been feeling like deep down, maybe I have a "broken heart" like maybe I will never be a whole person again. Like I am the opposite of a normal person. I think that a normal person is happy, but gets depressed and sad sometimes and clinically - maybe that is called "situational depression" like somebody dies or you have a stressful experience like a job change or a break up or a move, but when it is over, you get better. Maybe I am the opposite - deep down inside I am a broken, bitter and wounded person and the day-to-day happiness I feel is only situational. I don't know why I am feeling so wounded. Maybe it is just because I haven't been feeling well physically, kind of fighting the same nagging headache and fatigue for over a week. Maybe it is the weather, I really hate the winter and the cold and the dark. Maybe it is sort of reliving my Ed experience again by telling Cory about it. Maybe it was the stress of working so much for the Women Inspire Bash. Maybe it is the holidays. I have a hard time when I have no money and I love the holidays so much and wish I could do 'em up bigger. I also have had a hard time with the family visits this fall and am really feeling some dread about the holidays and not knowing where or how to set boundaries.

Anyway - I just wish I could like afford airplane tickets for Emily and Michael and I to go somewhere else and celebrate (somewhere HOT and sunny!). If this were the old days when I used to have credit cards and could have done it, I swear I would and rack it up to mental health care. Sigh. Now - no credit.

Also thinking about what episodes of "Half Wit" need to come next get me thinking about seriously difficult experiences in my life. I don't know if writing it will be therapeutic or put me over the edge. I felt like it would be cathartic, but it makes me a little afraid the way I feel now. Maybe I need to work on my novel in the winter and work on Half Wit in the sunny time!

Mood: Gloomy and Depressed, wishing for Zoloft.