I went out with Pat.

I had a day where I rested all day. The most I did was one load of laundry, some dishes, boiled some eggs and made salad. I never got dressed and I never stepped one foot out of the door. My goal was to rest my body, especially my knee and my feet and my mind and my emotions. I wanted as little interaction with people as possible. When Michael said he would be gone all day I was thrilled. I watched three episodes of "Buffy" sandwiched the tasks I wanted to do in between "commercial breaks" and episodes and SLEPT an awful lot. Pat called sometime --- maybe 8:30 or nine and asked me to go out to this "Retro Prom" with him and I said no. About half an hour later he called back and talked me into going. So I took a shower and got dressed in pseudo prom garb and went to get him, having been designated the driver. I'm glad I dressed up a little because he was in his black suit and he looks ab fab in it!

It turns out he wanted to celebrate that today means he lived one day longer than how old his dad was when he died. Pat's only 47 and a half and he was 15 when his dad died, leaving behind 9? 10? children... His mom finished raising all those children by herself and did a good job. It's been a bad few years recently. His mom now has Alzheimer's, one of Pat's brothers was killed in a bike (bicycle, NOT motorcycle) crash, Pat had his DUI, and there has been conflict of some sort between several of the siblings.

Since his DUI Pat and I haven't hung out very much. Previous to his arrest we had often gone out to bars. He drank, he bought, I sang, we danced sometimes. I would spend a lot of time listening to him rant a little. He's one of those people who knows their opinion is always right and likes to talk about it. Because I don't argue politics or religion or right or wrong very often I was a good audience to just listen and let him go on, even when I didn't agree. When we were together and ran into people he knew he would often introduce me as his first friend in Bloomington and tell how I invited him to one of my parties and that is how he started to meet people here. After his DUI, however, he did not want to drink - I actually think he wasn't supposed to, for probation - and that took away what we had done together. I sort of quit having parties so often, and for holidays he either goes back up north to his family or goes to his boss's house whom he knew before he came here. Also we have whacky schedules where I am an 8-5 worker and his particular position as a circulation manager for a morning newspaper sometimes means going to work at two or three o'clock in the morning so just having dinner together would be hard.

What this is boiling down to is that I love Pat - I really do. I am not "in love" with him, but I care so much about him I can't believe it. When we were together tonight I felt so happy just to be with him. I have missed his opinionated, "always right" rants. I have missed his generosity, I have missed the faith he seems to have in me and in himself. I have missed his appreciation for my initial gesture of friendship. If there is any man I could truly be "Friends with Benefits" with, it is Pat. Guess what, though. Damn it if he doesn't have morals. He can sleep with somebody he doesn't love, but he can't sleep with me because he doesn't want to "mess up" our friendship. In this last year or so when we haven't spent time together I missed things that have happened in his life. When he talked about them tonight I was so sad. I told him I miss being part of his life and that I miss him.

I think a great thing has happened, though. Pat said that what he has done is lost his anger. He was so angry that his brother died, angry his mother got sick, angry at his siblings. Now he really feels like that part of him is healed. When we used to go out, if he were drinking, sometimes I'd have to be wary of him being a little combatant and pull him out of a hairy situation , afraid of a bar fight. He says that is all gone now and I will never have to worry about it again. I hope it's true and that the anger has really dissipated. That the year has been a year of healing and growth in a positive way. I'm glad he got me out of the house tonight and I'm glad I helped him feel like he really celebrated a milestone. I hope that we start to go out again and that it won't ever be drunk, angry Pat, but kind, generous and fun Pat whom I know is there. Even if we never, ever advance to "FWB" I will love him just the same and maybe I can grow to respect the part of him that keeps him from doing so.

There's no good conclusion to this post, I guess, except to say that I love my friend. I missed him. I hope for the best for him, and that even if tonight turns out to be the only night he came back into my life I am glad it happened because a few hours with a not-angry Pat, was a few hours well spent and will always be remembered.