Laundry List.

I wrote that I wouldn't write a laundry list of the things about Garet that helped me decide to break up with him. I still won't. He thinks it was over one remark he made to which I overreacted (moi?). It was not. A couple of weeks, maybe three weeks prior to the breakup I had made two lists literally, on separate sheets of paper. One was the GREAT GARET list. The other was the QUESTIONABLE GARET list. I had a good shrink session tonight and we talked about what has been keeping me from having a serious or even a series of serious relationships for SEVENTEEN years since I have been divorced. A lot of the issues go back to childhood (of course) and will take a long time and a lot of $$ to figure out.

Some time ago I had made a list of desirable qualities in a partner. I don't know if I did it here or on paper, but I don't know where it is no matter where it was originally. So I am going to start thinking about that again and I am going to start that list tonight. I will admit that many of the items were on the GREAT GARET list. No matter what happened in the end, Garet was good for me. I feel like I learned to appreciate some qualities in a man that I hadn't even realized I wanted. I feel like I learned about the way I deserve and want to be treated. I learned about what I can give and take in a relationship and I learned that I have a lot to work on! I feel bad that Garet thinks I left in anger and I really didn't. It was more hurt and being tired of feeling a little hurt a lot of the time and trying to ignore it. I still really care about him and I want him to be happy. I want to be happy too, and I am sad that I don't think we can make that happiness together.

So here is at least the beginning of the list:
hard worker
intelligent
artistic
politically liberal
good relationships with family and friends
give nice compliments
doesn't want pets
physically active - or at least trying and understands the importance
honest communicator
nice smile that happens a lot!
enjoys many activities
Enjoys and appreciates music (and tolerates my constant singing)
Likes his work
Financially adept
listens well
punctual
good sex
Uses small courtesies
accommodates my emotional needs
dances at least a little

And Deb is right -he should be handy and a have a good, full utility belt!

That's a long list, isn't it?

Part of me says I don't deserve somebody that great. Part of me says I deserve that and MORE.

What do I have to offer a man for a partnership? Let me take the same list and see if I can reciprocate. I will "X" in front of the ones I think I can offer.

X:hard worker
X:intelligent
X:artistic
X:politically liberal
X: (halfway- working on the family difficulties) good relationships with family and friends
X:give nice compliments
X:doesn't want pets
X:physically active - or at least trying and understands the importance
X: (halfway here too, I think) honest communicator
nice smile that happens a lot!
X:enjoys many activities
X:Enjoys and appreciates music (and tolerates my constant singing) ( I LOVE my singing)
Likes his work
Financially adept
X:listens well
punctual
XXX: good sex :)
X:Uses small courtesies
accommodates my emotional needs
X:dances at least a little

So I definitely have some issues to work on to become a partner worthy of somebody as wonderful as myself, right? At least I recognize my shortcomings and I AM trying to work on them. Living with Ben is helping me recognize some of my faults in communicating, using small courtesies and learning about other peoples' emotional needs and how to accommodate without trying to fix everything (or meddle, if that's an acceptable word).

I do want to have a long-term partner someday. I think deep down I know I deserve it. I have somehow put myself in danger of never achieving it by cultivating my anxiety issues and by engaging in relationships with no hope for a future, like my "not boyfriend." I need to figure out how to grow into the kind of person who can conquer fear and engage in healthy, productive relationships with men. My friends who are male are all men with whom there is no attraction of that type. Eric and Pat, with whom I have no fear and totally love, and with whom I have spent the most time, are just not even on the map. Sure, they have lots of qualities on the list, both of them, but somehow it all doesn't add up between us - maybe because I don't have the qualities to be on their "lists," and that's okay.