Tips for parenting

I may have published some earlier form of this previously, but I have reworked it and gave it as a speech at Toastmasters tonight. It went pretty well. I need to work on it some more and then I will present it again to see how it improves or evolves.

Lessons on Single Parenting

#1 Part 1 Give yourself credit for the good things you choose.

Part 2 Forgive yourself when your choices aren’t so great.

#2 Respect your children as people

#3 Take time away from your children

#4 Relax

#5 Have a support network and use it

#6 Be wise financially

#7 Do things the easy way

#8 Say no

#9 Say yes

#10 Take care of yourself

Through my two decades of single parenting people would often tell me “It’s amazing what you do. You work. You take care of the house and yard. You are a good mother. You do volunteer work.” On and on… I would smile sweetly and say, “It’s not that big of a deal. You just do what you have to do.” After a few years of that I had an epiphany – No, I didn’t HAVE to do that. I CHOSE to do those things. I chose to keep a nice house. I chose to cook and serve (usually) nutritious meals. I chose to do community service. I chose to work and to work hard. I chose to treat my children with respect. I could have chosen to abuse my children, neglect their desires and needs, not feed them properly. I could have chosen to let them watch TV more than read books or to let them play Mortal Kombat instead of cooking with them, but I didn’t.  In my epiphany I learned Lesson number one. GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT for the good things you choose. Number one, part two is FORGIVE YOURSELF when your choices aren’t so great. All you can do is try to correct the problems that may be the consequences of your choices, then move on and try to learn from your mistakes.

Lesson number two: RESPECT THE CHILDREN AS PEOPLE. They will be the main people in your life when you have no spouse or partner around but remember: A) They are children. There is no way they can be your emotional support system and it would not be fair to expect them to be. B) Your family is NOT a democracy. You don’t vote and majority wins.  If there are TWO of them and ONE of you, you’d always eat at McDonald’s and race go-carts on Saturdays, right?  You are the adult and you make the decisions, keeping their needs, opinions, and desires in mind in the process. Sometimes it is important to let them “Win” so they can see that their input really does matter to you.

Lesson Three: HAVE TIME AWAY FROM THE CHILDREN. They should get time with their other parent (unless abuse) or other important adults in the lives on a regular basis. Let the other parent have their time so you can have yours. It may be hard, and surprisingly, it may be most difficult that they may be a better parent than when you were together. Unless the other parent dumps them on family or a babysitter they will be forced to feed them and talk to them and all sorts of things that you automatically did alone when you were together. It may feel heartbreaking. “If they could have just done this when we were together…,” but remember, they could have chosen that all along and didn’t. Instead they chose to be an absent parent and partner until forced to do this. BUT in the end it may be better for the children if they develop a better relationship with them,

Lesson four RELAX. There is only one adult in your household now. Things may be messier. Here are three rules of housekeeping. 1)Try to have all the dishes done at least once a day 2) Try to keep enough clean laundry so everybody has clean underwear. 3) Bedrooms have to be clean enough so that if a firefighter has to come in and save someone they don’t break an ankle. There is no way one adult can maintain a home they same way two participating adults can, so your standards can’t be the same. Here is a little thought that may be applicable in some situations – Sometimes housekeeping is easier when you are single. If your partner wasn’t around much anyway or did not contribute to the maintenance of the household there will be LESS laundry and one fewer person to cook for, and probably one fewer person who complains and tells you everything you do is wrong. Divorce is the ultimate way of saying, “If you don’t like the way I fold your damn T-shirts, do it yourself.”

Lesson Five – HAVE A SUPPORT NETWORK. Church, friends, family. Make sure you have; someone you can call at any time, someone who will listen to you cry, somebody who will cry with you, somebody who will tell you when it is time to stop crying. Somebody who can talk you out of hitting the children when you are on the edge. Somebody who can pick up the children in a couple of minutes if you are not going to make it. Somebody who can loan you a hundred dollars until payday. Somebody who will wash your dishes while you lean on the counter and talk. Somebody who will take you to dinner on your birthday.

Lesson six BE WISE FINANCIALLY. This is imperative. The financial burden of a single income household can be incredible. Little things count. Save when you can, conserve your resources, and avoid debt as much as possible. If tithing or offerings are part of your faith structure, remember your money is more important than the widow’s mite. DO NOT pay tithing on child support. It is NOT income. It is money the other parent is using to support their children and you only administrate in in behalf of the children.

Lesson seven – DO THINGS THE EASY WAY.  Frozen pizza, salad from Wendy’s, soup from cans instead of homemade. These things exist to make our lives easier. Sometimes your time is more valuable than your money. If you have resources it may be worth it to pay somebody to do things for you. If you get super behind on laundry it is easier to get a couple of rolls of quarters and send a couple of hours in a laundromat and have it OVER rather than spend two or three days doing one load at a time, always missing the rinse cycle and then as soon as it is all finished somebody has to change clothes or get ready for bed anyway!

Lesson Eight - SAY NO. No, you can’t be the chairperson of the PTA Fundraiser, NO you can’t make and decorate 48 cupcakes for the Cub Scout meeting. NO you can’t be a Sunday School Teacher.

Lesson Nine – SAY YES. Yes, teenage neighbor, there are a couple of things I could use help with. YES, local Scout Troop, I would love some help with yard work. YES, neighbor, I really could use some tomatoes from your garden.

Lesson Ten – TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, whatever that means to you, or you will not be able to take care of the children. Use the first nine lessons as a start; add on SLEEP enough, EAT WELL, get counseling if you need it, drink water, move your body in a way that works for you, and all that stuff we all KNOW we are supposed to do.

It can sound so simple, but there nothing easy about it. Things get all jumbled and confused when you are living it. There are always time crunches, money crunches, emotional issues involved with every decision you make.

Sometimes it is nice to be single. You don’t have to check with anybody to spend money. If you want to go out to dinner instead of cooking, just go – things like that. There will always be consequences to the foolish things you do and you always have to take the heat for it alone.

I want to tell about my friend Deanna. She got divorced and had four children at home, the oldest was eight. Deanna had never gone to college at all, but she started at Indiana University as a continuing studies student. Deanna received some financial aid, also worked part-time jobs at fast food joints and housekeeping. She earned an Associate’s degree in general studies, then was accepted into a program to earn a Bachelor’s in Math education. Now she has a Master’s degree, was certified as a ‘highly qualified” math teacher and traveled around and trained other teachers all over the United States to use assessments and other tools to improve the education in their school systems and classrooms. She accomplished all of that as a single parent.

Parenting is tough. Single parenting is tougher. It can be done well. There is never any guarantee in any family, but any family could use these tips and work toward stability and happiness.