Tough Day, a little

Copy of email to Heather in reply to her asking if Michael and I are going to go to Mom and Dad's house for Christmas.

What we are planning is to do the Christmas Eve thing, go to church and then on Christmas Day probably drive up. We will have to leave Christmas evening to take Michael to Ed’s. So far everybody who has emailed me about Christmas Eve has been in the negative, so it may end up with Debbie and Leandra and Katie and Michael and me or something. I can’t go out and spend money so I will probably just make chili because I already have the stuff and bake some bread or cornbread. I already bought stuff to make a veggie lasagna for Michael’s birthday, but if wants to wait, we might have it instead.

The BIG problem is that I have no internet and I need to pay $73 to get is turned back on and I have to have it in case someone tries to make an order. I won’t be at work to check emails here. I have a little bit of money in the business account, but I was hoping to wait and be able to use that the next time I need ingredients. So if Michael DOES get a cello lesson, which he really wants, I will already be spending all the money I have and not have any gas money. I kind of told Ben that I secretly want to cancel the lesson unless he can afford to take a bad check and wait to cash it. I know he is broke broke, too though, and may be waiting on that money. I haven’t heard back from him on that.

I have someone I can probably get money from, but it’s a situation where I would feel uncomfortable asking.

Debbie is having trouble getting together with her family too. If I can’t get to Lafayette we may just hang here and then I will have to come visit when I get money. IF I get child support Wednesday all should be good, but it seems to always get messed up around the holidays and I just can’t depend on it.

I have the mattress and box springs for Mom and Dad. Too bad I don’t have a way to transport it and I can’t afford to give Chris gas money to get down here either.

It’s kind of rough, like everybody is having a bad year. Debbie is upset with her family, Katie always has holiday crises, I feel like I am not going to be able to make you and Mom and Dad happy. I’m sad that I don’t get to see Emily. Emily emailed me that she thinks she is depressed, the bad kind of depressed, and she has no insurance to go to the dr…. blah, blah, blah. I’ve been working so hard and I have made some money with the business, but I have spent HUNDREDS more than I have made so far. I am excited that I got a $10 truffle order! $10!!! Wow! That can buy my next five bags of chocolate chips.

I think hosting a party is my way to try to feel like this can be a happy holiday and to motivate myself into the spirit. We did finally get the big Christmas tree up and that has helped. I have a couple of presents I bought ahead of time and I am going to wrap those tonight and maybe that will help too. I hate feeling sad and confused about Christmas. It is my favorite holiday and I like to overdo it a little bit, you know? I guess I need to realize that I am at a time in my life where I just won’t get to see Emily and Michael every holiday, and that I can’t control everybody’s health and abilities and that I can’t make there be more hours in a day so I can work more and make more money. It sounds pitiful, doesn’t it?

I am not really depressed, depressed. I am just frustrated that I don’t know how everything will work out. You know I like to plan ahead of time. If I had the money I’d say: We’re having our Christmas Eve Open House, we’re leaving for Lafayette at 8:30. We’ll bring stuffed stockings, corn cake and pecan pie and we will stay until 6:00. With the uncertain cash flow, however, it can’t be determined at this time. So now I have to take a deep breath and say, “I am completely relaxed and flexible.” It’s about having time off work. It’s about spending my last Christmas with Michael before he leaves home. It’s about watching “A Christmas Story” and falling asleep. It’s probably about wearing jammies all day and feeling comfy, and it’s about realizing that even though it is a holiday that may not turn out the way I want that it can be pleasant and relaxing.

Bet you didn’t expect me to write a book. I am missing writing in my blog. I have spent so many nights baking and washing dishes and packaging and doing email lists and all that, that the blogging has cut way down. I may copy this and put it in my blog! I think it’s more of my usual style than where I have gotten now – a few pictures, a few words about business and that’s about it. I don’t like that. I need to have time in my life for writing to be happier.

I will let you know if I find anything out about child support. I keep going to the website and checking it about every hour!

Hope

Adding now:

Heather is pretty angry with me because I haven't committed to go up there. I feel kind of bad about it, but even thinking about the money. I hadn't even thought of my $225 speeding ticket that I need to pay. I can't remember if I had 60 days or 90 days. If it was 60 days it is already past due and there is probably a bench warrant for my arrest in Marion County. If it was 90 days that is January 10 or around there and I only have one paycheck between now and then and that is when the house payment is due... So even if Heather doesn't cash the checks I wrote her and even Mom and Dad give me gas money I am in deep shit. I also have a credit card payment past due.

It all sucks. I have a couple of homemade presents I started a few months ago, but then I started baking all the time and haven't finished them.

I baked cookies tonight because I bartered with Ben for only $20 and some cookies for the lesson. So I still need to go wash the last batch of dishes and get my butt to bed. Tomorrow is a big day - work with no lunch so I can leave early to take Michael to a cello lesson, take Michael to Bike Project and then I have to do some secret stuff while Michael is at Bike Project. Poor boy. Today was his birthday and for a "celebration" we had sweet potato fries and watched a movie and of course I fell asleep during the movie. No friends, no presents, no treats. What a fun birthday. He didn't even get a birthday card from his other grandmother this year, who usually sends him money.

I have a couple of gifts I have bought at Goodwill and Dollar Tree and I ought to wrap them tonight and put them under the tree. It looks so pitiful and bare. I feel pitiful and bare.