Rewards:

I deserve two rewards now. The last one was a big milestone (under 200 pounds) and I said I would get a massage. This morning I went under 195, 194.6 to be exact, so I deserve another small reward. I need to be kind to myself and give myself the rewards when I earn them. Therefore my goal is to email Laurie tomorrow and schedule my massage. I think my under 195 reward will be to see Star Trek. I probably won't be able to go until next week on a weeknight because Michael will be at Ed's for a few days. That should also give me some time to plan ahead and perhaps find a friend to accompany me.

Michael & Ed: Michael called Ed tonight and one of the things Ed said to him was, "I forgive you for the nasty things you said in your email." That really upset Michael. His email was a heartfelt attempt at honesty and communication. Several times within it he said something like, "I am telling you these things because I think we should have honesty between us so we can build our relationship." I feel really sad for Michael. The plan is I will take him up Saturday evening after the "Taste of Bloomington" where we are fund raising for solar bike, and that he will return in time to work at the hot dog stand on Friday. Michael kind of feels like this is the last straw, that he attempted honest communication and it didn't work. He said he wants to take his bike when he goes up, not just to ride for pleasure, but so he has it if he is so afraid of his dad that he needs to get away. What a shitty, shitty way to feel. I told Michael that if he honestly feels afraid while he is up there this time that I am willing to let him stay home the rest of the summer and Ed can just file charges against me. I honestly have my own fears that Ed will think about that and not let Michael leave the house, or that if Michael leaves Ed won't give the cello back or that Ed will sabotage the bike somehow. He is not a reasonable person and I have learned from experience to expect UNreasonable reactions from him. I haven't said any of this to Michael because I don't want to plant more seeds of fear, but obviously he has enough experience of his own to think that he needs an escape plan. Holy crap, the whole thing pisses me off, and yes, scares me too. Michael was extra clingy tonight and I reassured him several times that he is a good person, that honesty is the right thing, that he offered his dad choices about their relationship and other good stuff. Michael really is such a wonderful and kind person. It rips my heart out to seem him hurting so badly.

Positive thought.... well, once again it is one of those times when it is hard. I guess I can just feel positive that I finally made the bed in the purple room. It was on the list for the weekend and didn't get accomplished until tonight.