OCD

I wouldn't shake my massage therapist's hand today, but I shook Dennis's at People's Park because I am afraid of hurting his feelings.

Getting better.

I slept terribly last night, which is no surprise. It's been the same at night as it has been during the day with this illness. Fitful, painful sleep wracked with strange and sometimes terrifying dreams. This morning, however, once I woke up I stayed awake. I felt pretty good so I got dressed to go to church. Once I was dressed I was completely exhausted! I fought the urge to go back to bed and went ahead to church. I hoped to park in the actual parking lot because I felt so yucky, but of course that didn't happen so by the time I walked half a block and across the street I was pooped again. I enjoyed the service - Gospel music Sunday! - and there was a breakfast afterward. I saw several people I know and I was actually sociable this week.

I managed to go to Aldi and do just a little shopping to tide us through the week. I was so glad when I got home because I was really taxed and Michael was here and brought in and put away the groceries.

Since then it has been a hodgepodge of resting, eating, cooking, movie viewing, music listening, Facebook and Scrabble AND, AND, AND... I went out and did weeding for the first time this year. At one point I could tell I was physically exhausted, yet restless so I polished my nails to force myself to be still a while longer!

I want to try to stay up until 11 so I won't wake up so much in the night (I hope) then I will be more rested for what promises to be a super busy week at work.

2 months

So Ken and I officially "broke up" today. I don't need comforted because it was the right thing to do. He needs somebody who really needs him and I just don't. The kind of things he did that in his mind were spoiling me or helping me just pissed me off. He's so kind it's unbelievable... it amplified what a bitch I really can be. If I were to be in a successful relationship now I would really need a man who is willing and able to be a sort of disengaged companion, yet realizes when I really need or want him. Also I need to learn to be kinder and that at times I will need to be ready to fill a man's desire to be needed and cherished.... Sometimes being so independent doesn't pay off.

It's sadly ironic that I felt like Garet didn't love me as deeply as I deserved to be loved, yet I would describe Ken as loving me too much. Maybe I can just never be pleased and I need to be prepared to be single forever.

In other news, this terrible, nagging illness has paid off. I completed reading the third book of The Hunger Games trilogy. I intended to go to the movie today, but I guess I was too sick because I kept going back to bed and sleeping instead of getting dressed and going. I feel in some strange way that I should be commended for listening to my body for once.

Yuckety Yuck!

I am SO sick. I left work early on Tuesday, stayed home yesterday. I went back to work today, but I took two lunches and slept in the car. When I got home tonight I went to bed and slept until 8:06. When I awakened I thought it was 8:06 a.m. and that my alarm hadn't gone off and I was late to work! I'd hardly eaten anything today so I went in the car and bought some food, but it tasted bad and I felt so yucky that I couldn't eat it all. I'm just going to stay up long enough to take some medicine and make sure I don't throw up and then lie in bed and watch a movie, I think.

I'm supposed to cook for Food Not Bombs tomorrow night, but if I still feel this yucky I will have to stay home.

Chugging along...

I finished the non-fiction book, The Warmest Room in the House about American kitchen and how advances in technology, food science and media have influences the American diet. I loved it. I wish I had time to read it again studiously and make notes on the interesting points. Well, I might as well face it. I probably DO have time, but I choose to use my time in other ways. I am choosing to read the Barbara Kingsolver book right now - The Lacuna. It has a different feel about it than her other books I have read. Still enjoyable, just different.

Last night I made hummus for the first time. I think it is pretty good and something I will continue to make at home unless our situation changes. The tahini I had in the garage was too old and yucky. I looked it up yesterday to ascertain the desired texture, just to make sure. In looking that up I learned that one can buy the sesame seeds and make tahini at home. If I do start a food blog...I am thinking that each recipe must start completely from scratch... like from PLANTS or something immediately identifiable and not even one step away from its plant source. Like my garbanzos were dried and that's okay, but canned would be "processed" and not allowed, and the tahini must be from the seeds and not from a jar. If I am going to use flours I must grind it myself.... This would be a major undertaking, but definitely a way to keep with whole foods. Having formerly been in the Mormon culture I know the sources to order real wheat kernels, oat groats and the like. I'd probably need to invest in additional equipment, but that's kind of contrary to my quest to ride myself of material things. Hmmm...

April 7 there is a really free market. I plan to take loads of items to give away. If I don't manage that I will take more to Unity Circulation Day. I'm going to go search right now and find out then that is.

I read!

I read 30 pages (+ some at lunch) in my current non-fiction book. Ahhhh...

Tonight I have been considering a new blog, one that could possibly be supported by ads (Eek!) about life as I try to get back to whole foods cooking. I am going to think about it and do some research and I'll get back to you on that!

Too much facebook

Not enough reading.

Beginning tonight, no Facebook until I have read at least thirty pages.

I made a typo and it said "Fecebook" until I corrected it - now that's a thought.