Gratitude

Last night I worked at the shelter and one of the guests coughed his pneumonia cough all over me and I remembered the time I was SO SICK with pneumonia and I have been thinking about that today, as well as other times I was sick and my friends helped me so much. I can't imagine how awful it must be to be that sick and have to stay out in the cold, mostly standing, until the shelter opens at 9:00. I tried to talk to Keith about it a little bit tonight, but I was going to weep copiously if I talked about it too much. 

 

 

Today I have thought about what it would mean to be sick or have health problems or issues and have no bed to go home to and no one to take care of you. I remember so many times my friends have helped me. Once Whryne brought magic soup to me and actually had to feed it to me. I really think I might have died if she hadn't done that. Debra Garrison came to see me in the hospital after a surgery and I didn't start to recover until she came. Deanna sat with me while I was in labor and had no other support. Samuel and Christine supported me so much during my first pregnancy... I mention the physical support, but the emotional support was and is always present in my life. J. Todd and Missy Too have been my online support more than they might know or remember. So many have helped me when I was suffering chronic pain and anxiety and fatigue they can't even be named. Through those incidents I have survived and every day I thrive because of the love of my friends. Thank you to you all and also to my friends through the heartnet who aren't here on Facebook. That's gratitude.

Like · · Share · 14 minutes ago · Edited ·

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• Whryne Rasheed likes this.
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  Hope E Golightly Scarlett, Christine, Erin, Kim, Kathy, Ken, Byron, Kathy, Cetti, Carol, Jim, Laura, so basically, I am starting to list all 200 of you!I love my friends!

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  Whryne Rasheed Oh Hopie I don't even remember doing that! I was just thinking the other day about being surrounded by such love, support and comfort. Last year when I was sick YOU brought Me food and Sandy made me my favorite soup even though she thought it was gro...See More

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  Hope E Golightly Oh man! I just remembered when I was losing my mind trying to put up a Christmas tree and Eric came right over and helped me! Haha! I was seriously on the verge of a breakdown.... and how Christy and Steve helped me through my first couple of Thanksgiving Days without my children...and taught me to not serve canned cranberry sauce still shaped like the can!

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  Hope E Golightly Whryne don't we have beautiful f***ing lives?

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  Connie Chamberlin Farish Oh Hope, I never though of that. I remember this year how sick I was, and how my bed was turned down and favorite pajamas warmed up in the dryer for me as I returned from chemo. The smallest things meant the world to me. My daughters took great care of me, and still felt they were not doing anything to help me. I wish I could make them understand how much they DID do by being by my side.

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  Hope E Golightly Oh man... once I went to Lisa's to help when she was pregnant and I got a debilitating migraine and SHE took care of me! Thank you, Lisa!

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Sick.

I have a terrible cold, which started about Tuesday. It has been at its peak this weekend. Both Friday and Saturday K. came over and spent time with me. Friday we watched Zoolander, a goofy movie that made him guffaw. Last night we just snuggled... It got a little intense, which scares him. I finally just told him, "just let me love you and don't worry about it." I feel a little bit worried because he hasn't contacted me today, but then Sunday is not always a day we spend together. I am signed up for the set up shift at the Interfaith Winter Shelter and I am feeling well enough to go. It is not really a shift that has direct contact with clients so I don't have to worry about spreading my germs with a bunch of people who don't have health care.

After I move this load of clothes to the dryer I am going to go rest in bed in preparation for the evening shift. It will be hard to go back to work and work a full shift after all this resting and illness. I only work Monday and Tuesday, then I am off Wednesday and Thursday.... Thursday night I have a shelter shift, back to work on Friday and I start my NEW, SECOND JOB after I get off work at the paper on Friday! More on that later.

Movie/ Stuff

I finally received the check in payment for the Escort today and I called the car dealership and told them they could cash my down payment check. Phew! One burden off my mind.

I had to call Cooper the handyman and tell him I cannot afford to pay him for the lock changing. He was really very nice and told me as long as I pay it by Dec. 31 for he can close his books for the year I am okay. I really appreciate his flexibility!

I went to the movies right after work because it is only $5 before 6:00. I saw Gravity. It was very intense and I enjoyed it. I would have liked to have company for that one so I could have had a hand to hold.

I am going to Carmel to visit Lisa and family this weekend. I haven't seen the babies for too long. I hope they remember me! When I come back Sunday evening I will work my first shift at the Interfaith Winter Shelter. I am nervous about it, but really anxious to do something I believe is good and helpful for people.

I read this blog http://blog.mindfitmove.com/2013/10/30/which-world-do-you-belong-to/
earlier this week and I picked up this from the rend.

May I be free from fear and anxiety
May I be at ease.
May I be happy.

I called it a mantra or thought sequence I told this to Gillian today and she took it a little further.

I am free from fear and anxiety.
I am at ease.
I am happy.

Nice.

Maybe it's this.

http://www.xojane.com/newagey/for-someone-who-never-believed-in-it-i-am-so-glad-mercury-is-acting-normal-again

which points to this:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/larry-schwimmer/top-10-things-not-to-do-d_b_4133136.html

The Huff Post article notes that the time period was from Oct 21 to Nov 10.

Really I thought my chaos started with the stop sign ticket... of course the trip to New Mexico was in there and that was pretty fabulous, maybe it really started with the hassle after I had to return the rental car before getting a new one lined up, financed, insured, etc. Plus Heather's wedding was on the first... it really was great, but the issue of not having a car made it difficult in some respects.

Hmmm...

Better day

I accomplished two major paperwork portions of the recovery from the past couple months. I sent my payment for the deferred judgment on the alleged running of the stop sign. Almost $200, when I really did NOT run a stop sign. I have no way to prove, however, that I did not.

I called the insurer of the guy who hit me and straightened out that they need to send the money NOW. The guy said they would FedEx it tomorrow and I should receive it by Thursday.

On the other end of the spectrum Dave Cooper, the handyman who changed all my locks because of the Eric fiasco called and wants his $407. He always gives 60 days to pay and I have ALWAYS paid him on time, even when it was thousands of dollars to roof the entire house. Ugh. I will have to call him tomorrow - I didn't get his voice mail until after 8:00 and he doesn't take calls after that - and ask for grace.

So two things accomplished, but still no idea where the funds for the other will come from...

Drama -

The good kind.

Last night K. and I went to a Cardinal Stage production of "August, Osage County." It was excellent theater. An amazing, well-written play and superb sets and acting. The best actors were ones I know from doing "To Kill A Mockingbird." I am so proud to have share a stage at one time with Constance Macy. She was amazeballs last night. K. didn't like the show because it was too close to reality...he would rather be entertained by comedy, but I was really into it. I would love to spend some time analyzing it... like my theory that the character of Johnna is a God-figure and that the dinner is "The Last Supper..."

Good night at the Food Bank tonight. There were a lot of people in the kitchen and even some Cub Scouts, but I didn't feel too anxious and enjoyed the work.

Definitions...

Last night I said something like, "I don't know what you are. Are you my...?" and K. finished it with "Friend." and that's true. I know he cares about me, even though he doesn't love me.

Last night we were lying in bed and he was telling stories for a long time and I was just listening and asking the occasional clarifying question and he asked, "Why are you just letting me go on and on?" I replied, "You know why. Do you want me to say it?" and he answered, "No, don't say it." He knows that answer is, "Because I love you."

Today I realized This is the best bad relationship of my life. He doesn't love me and acknowledges it, yet he treats me better than men (or even women friends, rarely) who profess to love me, yet hurt me endlessly.

FACEBOOK MESSAGES WITH LISA:

Me: I just realized this: I am in the best bad relationship of my life. I am not being abused and right now the things that I receive are enough to overcome the things that I don't. I am not required or even requested to give more than I can or to do anything that I don't like. Does that make any sense at all?

So what's bad about it?

Sex

Bad sex or missing sex?

He doesn't love me and he doesn't have sex without love. He is still in love with his ex wife.

and it is interesting in that I use the word sex, and not love. Hmmm... psychoanalysis says I think I deserve good sex, but perhaps I am a little short of believing I deserve to be loved.

I believe this relationship will probably end when he is tired of being with somebody he doesn't love or when I realize I deserve to be loved. 

He loves me not.

and I know it, and somehow it is okay, and I could still lie all night in his arms.

Losing it.

My life is spiraling our of control.

I came home for lunch and put on makeup because somehow that make me feel better.

It started with a ticket for running a stop sign on September 14, I think. It has been downhill since then.

Help.

So...

I thought I would start writing all the time again, but life has been pretty strange...

Work is hard. Kerri, the other full time rep has been on maternity leave.

I've been "seeing" a man whom I met on Friday, September 13. We do something probably two or three times a week. We've never had a fight. We are radically different in almost every way.

It is getting cold.

I've been reading again, something I miss.

They put a bunch of new shows on Netflix that are episodes of continuing series and I want to watch them. (Louie, How I met Your Mother, Portlandia)

Last Wed. Oct. 16 I was rear-ended in my car. It totaled the car and although I felt uninjured that day I grew a bruise on the top of my right foot and a sharp pain in the heel of my left foot... let's face it, the worst thing that could probably happen to me is something to make my feet hurt more... wait a minute: I know that is NOT the worst thing and is far from it, let's call it a very ANNOYING thing.  Also it freaked me out quite a bit and has been emotionally wearing. There have been a couple of nights I returned home from work and went straight to bed to either sleep or drown my sorrows in Netflix.

Heather is getting ready to marry Ian. The time I have been awake and not with Keith or reading or watching Netflix I have been obtaining and crafting some wedding items. Nothing big... I bought a simple veil, I have been buying and/or making potential hair ornaments, and I have been tying tulle bows on the handles of 200 little bottles of bubbles!

and now... It's time to retreat to my bed once again. As soon as I switch the laundry to the dryer I am going to go read until I am about asleep.

Good night!

I went on a trip...

to New Mexico! I went to visit Katie and her family. Sarah called me the night before I went and said she just couldn't come because of school commitments. I was sad, but I am really happy she is in school and I understand. Amber was supposed to come from Utah, but she and the children were in a car accident on the way... Everybody was okay physically, but the car was totaled and it was really traumatic. I am glad they were not hurt. I understand the trauma and hope they can heal well from that.

The trip in itself was really nice - a good blend of rest and doing and seeing. They still had school and work much of the time and I used that time for some total rest, sleep, TV viewing, reading and showers... Ahh!! The part that made me the happiest was seeing Katie's children again and really getting to know them as people, and wonderful people they are. It was really the first time to spend an extended period with Katie and Gordon as well, and I really like them.

Part of the time (really on one day) I had a headache, which was painful and annoying. I even took some of the prescription meds. I am glad I took them with me. I hadn't had to take any since July.

Life has been interesting lately... On Friday, September 13th at a picnic held by mutual friends I met up with a teacher from one of my previous schools. I never took his class, but he was my speech coach for at least one meet that we recall. We have been spending time together ever since. There are some things about being with him that are fab-u-lous, others not so. The fab parts are enough that we have seen each other probably three times a week for the last four weeks, except when I was on my trip. The not so parts are pretty important parts. I don't think this is a long term thing, but for now I plan to enjoy it with a positive attitude and not worry. We talk like crazy about a variety of subjects and that is good. Today we did some shopping and had dinner and then hung out for a while. We might have gone to karaoke, but he kind of had a headache and I was feeling a little whiny, so we hung it up for the night.

Since he (whose name is K.) left I have been practicing some songs and now doing this. I made a long list today and still have several items, but I will probably continue it through tomorrow and call it a weekend list instead of a Saturday list... see, I am NOT the bad "P word!"

I'm baa-aack....

My computer room is free! Free, I say!

It's super late now, but I just had to dip my toe in the water before I go to bed.

Last week I was stung by a wasp three times... This week on Saturday night a mysterious welt, looking much like a wasp sting showed up on my inner left forearm. It looks and feels like the wasp stings, except I didn't feel the initial sting, weird. It's still swollen...so I am going to take Benedryl and hit the sack. ..

Oh! We did Food Not Bombs Sunday. It felt great to be back in the park. 

Still alive!

I will take an opportunity to post just a smidge. It's very late and I should be in bed, but I want to note my living state online besides Facebook.

I am VERY ready for Eric to move out, and access to this computer unencumbered is one big reason. I have learned that if I do take on a roomer, it needs to be in one room only. I still need access to this room for my computer and to use for the occasional guest.

More soon, I hope.

Sigh...

Restless and weary at the same time. Like I want to be doing something, but all the somethings seems difficult.

Five arrested.

After letting the garage be used for shelter for three consecutive nights the cops came tonight and threatened to arrest anybody who lie down because it would be criminal loitering. Five allies lie down and were arrested. Everybody else walked over to the jail. When I left everybody was still across the street from the jail waiting to see if they were released. Everybody who was arrested is a long-time activist except one girl who is only 18, but made a deliberate decision.

I left my prepared food for those camping outside.

One guy was singing "Lean on Me" and "You've Got a Friend" and made his friend sing with him...

One guy shouted out "Who is my family here?" and someone replied, "That depends if you have a cigarette!"

These guys are a blast.

Tonight I am cold.

I am cold and I am in my house wearing nice, dry clothes and the dryer is running and warming the place up... yet in the parking garage tonight I saw one man wearing flip flops and one man wearing socks with no shoes walking on the wet cement. This is fucking AMERICA, in my beloved city. WHAT THE HELL? I have put on my Facebook page more than once asking people to bring sleeping bags and blankets and NOT ONE person has responded. I bet at least 50% of my local friends have one spare blanket that they never use or could afford to replace with a brand new one if they gave an extra away. I just don't get it.

I don't care how drunk or high these people are. It's not our job to judge them. It's our job to feed them and keep them warm!!!!

Okay - I planned to keep that a private rant, but now I put it on my Facebook page. Maybe I can shame people into helping, even though that is not my usual MO. Sigh. I will probably get embarrassed and take it down in a minute. 

Interesting night..

I went from a party in a fancy house with working and retired academics and artists to a party in the parking garage making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for a drunk with low blood sugar. I was equally uncomfortable in both places, but faked it well. 

Still alive, I promise.

It's late though. It took me while to get on here because my cookies needed reset or enabled to baked or something. I managed to do it finally, so here I am!

Eric is gone this weekend so I hope to write some more.

Second post today

I have been playing on OK Cupid this weekend. I decided I wrote too much in my profile and I am whittling it down. Here is something I am deleting, but I like it so I am copying it here.



(6 things I could Never do Without)
Friends, books, music, my colorful home, my family, nature.
Friends: Through every phase of my life I have had amazing friends to support me. I tend to keep friend a long, long time. I am still friends with the pack I hooked up with in seventh grade! I grieve somewhat over friends with whom I have lost touch or when I realize a friendship has to come to an end.
Books: another constant in my life. I learned to read very early and used books as an escape and a comfort. I still read a lot. This past year, my reading has slowed a little and I am trying to pick it up again. I have learned SO MUCH from reading. My college degree is in English and although sometimes I wish I had chosen something that could have lead to a more lucrative career I am glad I learned what I did. I have a long way to go in completing the list of "must reads" that I have!
Music: A wide variety... everything from classical to current rock - but not really "pop" except sometimes for its ease to dance and sing to. I love Pink Floyd, Sting, Tracy Chapman... there are so many I can't even think of a list. I like melodic music with thoughtful or clever lyrics.
My colorful home: I love working on my home. I'm not kidding about the colorful part. The bright purple front door is just a clue to what is in store when you enter. It has been a long time and I need to start either repainting or doing lots of touch up and fix up, because I really didn't know what I was doing or how to do it the first time I painted. I am trying to decide whether to keep it brightly colored or if I should go more traditional. Both of my children have left home and there may come a time when I will be ready to sell the house and move on. If that is the case, buyers may not be interested in green, purple, yellow, blue, and muraled walls....
My family: Mostly my two children. We are very close and have great relationships. My daughter has moved a couple hundred miles away and I don't get to see her very often. That's pretty difficult for me. It's funny, though, I am not much of a phone talker (actually really don't like it), so we don't talk by phone that much either. My son goes to school here in town, but does not live at home. I see him about every week. He tells me I am supposed to pretend like he doesn't live in the same town, but then he'll come home to do laundry and usually accepts when I offer to take him out to dinner - maybe it's just for the free food! My family of origin is a little bit strange. I am probably closest to my younger sister - who is thirteen years younger than I am. We can be best friends and we can get in the worst fights! I was responsible for her a lot when she was a child so we have had a little transitioning to this new relationship where we are more peers. I spent the summer moving my parents from their house into an apartment complex for the elderly. That entire process was extremely difficult and stressful for me and the rest of the family. We are still adjusting to the changes that have happened in my parents' lives with the move and some health problems my father has encountered.
Nature: What is there to say? I guess I ran out of space! The end.

Time flies...

One thing about having Eric live with me is that I can't really write in my blog. I use the computer sometimes, but I have been working on updating and maintaining Hope's Homemades.

There are days when I feel like I have so much to write and then when I don't do it, the ideas fade away.

Here are some logistical updates.

This week I am going to Illinois to see Henry Rollins speak. I saw him a couple of years ago when Garet and I were dating. I was tempted to invite Garet to go with me, but I kept imagining a couple of scenarios. 1) We go together and fight the entire time and we are TRAPPED. 2) We go together and have sex, and then try to get together and I remember why I broke up with him. There was not imagining that we would go together and remember how much we love being together, have mind-blowing, satisfying sex and get back together. Based on the lack of imagining that scenario the invitation never happened. Probably good. Oh, another scenario I keep imagining is that for some reason I meet up with Henry Rollins and WE have mind-blowing, satisfying sex. I think that's my favorite scenario.

I am feeling somewhat depressed. Most mornings when I wake up the first thing I say is, "Fuck! Shit!" because all I want to do is stay in my bed. Mornings that I don't say it out loud I want to just lie there and scream. I am not enjoying my work right now. I really need a break and I hope my trip this week will help. I have what appears to be a fairly nice hotel reserved for Wednesday and Thursday nights. Friday night I will drive back to Indiana and stay the rest of the weekend at Chez Vaughn, and babysit the baybeeze Saturday evening while Lisa and John go to a big wedding.

I'm feeling scattered about writing right now. I am going to go eat some lunch and then try again later.

Sunday...

I have been relaxed today. I'm sure I need it, but it is also kind of boring. I've watched some more of "Death of a Salesman" on Netflix, worked on my receipts to get the business taxes complete, and lounged around looking at recipes. There's a dinner for the church dinner group at 5, and I don't want to eat any more because that's an early dinner, but I am tempted to eat out of boredom.

I guess I need to be more productive, hm? Maybe I should have planned a gym trip, but I've just refreshed my hair color and showered so I am not getting my hair wet until tomorrow night!

Ketchup - sorta

Well, I have found that trying to blog on the laptop sucks. Here is a copy of a post I typed on there:

Hm. WEll I was just going to type that it is too hard to type on the laptop tonight, but then I sat up and duh. It's much better sitting almost like a real person.

Damn. I just rememberI went out to the front room and forgot to  ge   my phone out of my purse and my alarm clock is on it. Sigh. Sometimes it seems like there are aways strange obstacles to going to bed in a timely fashion.

I went to the YMCA tonight to try the deep water aquafit class and no instructor showed up. The three of us who were there treaded water most of that time and then went to the Aqua Zumba CLASS that was next on the schedule. I enjoyed the time talking to the other women anywy.

Tomorrow night will be back to shallow water and laps because that is the only class on Friday night. I will see how adding all the stuff feels!

Right now it feels tired!

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Turns out it was hard to type even sitting up.  The cursor kept jumping up to the middle of previous sentences and I would have to watch for it and then retype all of that! I love my Kindle, but I don't like finger typing so I wouldn't want to blog on there....

Eric and Eli have gone cold weather camping tonight. Eli LOVES to camp. We had a nice conversation about it while Eric was getting stuff ready. That's why I am typing on my real computer. I also need to do some practical stuff, like start my taxes, ugh.

So far, it has been okay having them here. Eli is a good kid and Eric seems to be a good dad. My only complaint about his parenting doesn't have anything to do with our living arrangement... it's that he tells Eli stuff like, "Mama wouldn't like it that I am taking you camping when it is cold outside..." Now I don't know the rest of the story. I don't know if he followed with don't tell her or______ (Think of some alternative). It's really not my business, except for fuck it if I don't already care about Eli and hate to see him get worried about what he can or can't say to his mama. Sigh.

Okay, on to a little bit of taxes. If I at least get started then I will know what steps I need to do next with my paperwork. Hate it!!! I wish someone would do this crap for me.

I am stable.

With the advent of my new roommate, who is really here now, I've realized that in so many cases I. am. the. stable. one. Basically, I find it terrifying. From the very beginning of owning this house (or co-owning it with the mortgage company) I have wanted to be able to use it to help people. I came across that fact because several times in MY life I have been the one needing stability, caring and physical shelter. I stayed with friends when I moved out of Mom and Dad's. I stayed with friends a couple of times when I was a college student at Purdue. I stayed with friends in Bloomington when I was fired from the nanny job. I stayed with friends when I needed to move away from the abusive roommate. I stayed in an actual women's shelter when I left Ed. Maybe more times than I recall. Since I've had the house I've had, Macia, Heather, Deanna and children, Whryne, Ben, Katie, Debby, and maybe some more I don't recall. Some of them worked out great, some, well.... This is the first time I ever wrote up an agreement with a monetary amount mentioned. That was actually at Eric's request so he can try to get his license changed to an Indiana license and to prove to the court that he is a responsible renter. He had his first hearing yesterday and gets Eli tomorrow for the first week. That will probably be the agreement (weekly shared custody) until June 26, when there is another hearing and Eric will try to get to be able to take Eli out of state.

Why does this mundane stuff matter? Why will this post be take from the "mundane" status to "Strange Stuff?" Because WHAT THE HELL? When did I become the stable one? I still feel like a wreck, like a little child trapped in an adult body. I don't know how I am able to pull my act together and maintain a home, a job, and a little home business. Seriously, I feel some days like I need to go to the hospital for a good rest. The financial burden is the hardest part. I swear I could swing it all effortlessly if somebody else would manage my money. Well, that's never going to happen so I need to pull my internal guts together to match the external appearance of stability.

In other news. Heather and I are going to West Lafayette tomorrow to tour the Indiana Veteran's Home and see if we think it is a good place for Dad. I have to leave here about 6:00 in the morning. Yeah. If anybody feels like calling me at 6 am, please do it! It will help make sure I am awake.

Notes for the day...

It's raining and I hope the reason that I hear water running is because the roof is repaired, and the gutters are repaired and cleaned and not something bad..

I just swam 1000 meters for the first time for the last time. Get it?

I am going to meet a guy IRL from the internet date tomorrow night. He's been nice in messaging and on the phone a little bit, but he just called me "Hon" and I am already tired of telling him where I am. I think proving possibly, that I really am an unreasonable bitch. If he didn't care, I'd probably think he didn't really like me! :)

There's a Kitchen Aid mixer at an auction tomorrow and I am going to see how much money I have in both business and personal and try to get it, I think. Mike, the auctioneer, says it is in really good shape.

I will return and report on all of the above.

I should find my list of desirable qualities in a man and look at it again.

Reminder...

Events this week have reminded me that I need to be grateful every day. Someone I know AND HER BOYFRIEND were hit by a bus. They are both in medically induced comas and nobody knows if they will have any life or brain activity until after their brain swelling goes down. Their (well hers, I don't know his) children, Emily and Michael's ages, have gone to be there, waiting. Then a meteor falls on Russia and over a thousand people are treated for all the breaking glass exploding on them ? What the heck? I read a novel about such a happening called "Lucifer's Hammer," Also there was a movie last year "Melancholia" about a family waiting for an event like that. I'm trying to be healthy in my eating and getting more movement, assuming it will lead to a longer and healthier life bit there is no guarantee. Ever.

Today was a grateful day, as far as that goes. I was awakened very early (5am) by a headache that needed medicating. I stayed up for several hours, but in my bed, playing on my mobile electronic device. (not that bad of a headache or I couldn't have looked at a screen, so there's the level). Jessica Sobiescki (not sure if there are enough consonants in there) posted on FB that she needed a sewing machine to complete a project. So even though I stayed in today, cooking and eating and resting the headache I had company for a while because Jessi Kalli, as she has called herself since her recent return from India, came over and finished her T-shirt quilt she is making for Justinian. I was able to chat with her and it felt so good. Having THINGS is better when I am able to share them and to use them to help other people. I recall that being one thing that I enjoyed about getting a house. Now I have had Macia, Deanna and children, Katie, Ben, Deb, Whryne, Heather...maybe some others that I don't recall! who have all stayed here at one time or another because of different situations. Some of those arrangements worked out perfectly, others ended not so well, but with any ending I am glad I had it to offer and share. Now I'm still waiting to see if Eric ever actually comes. I guess the custody thing with little son is taking some working out. Lawyers are good and bad sometimes!

So mellow tonight. Yeah. I'm going to go drink some more water which should help keep this head feeling better and play a little more.

TTFN.

Grumpface snorthog.

That's what my friend Eve used to say, back in the days. I think that is a generally good summary of my feelings of late.

I feel like I was supposed to have certain things figured out by the time I became this age, finances, relationships, career, yet I feel like I am still a little girl inside and all those things are far, far away.

Today was a weenie day for sure. I have never really been bummed by Valentine's Day very much, but it kind of hit me hard today. I think it is probably because I was really, really tired. I stayed up until after 1am doing chocolates, even though, get this, I only got an order for one dozen. I messed up shaping the fillings the first time so I had to melt them and do them all over again so it took forever.

I actually had an option to go out and dance to good klezmer music tonight, but I came home after work and went to bed and didn't get up until after 7. I gave myself license to eat what I wanted without even recording it. I finished making some ribs that I had started the other night and I've eaten ribs and a baked potato and TWO glasses of milk. I. am. full. I wish I could leave the dishes and go take a long bath and then go to bed, but I know I'd regret it tomorrow. I guess I haven't abandoned all my sensibilities yet. :)

Feb 13 12:02 am

So this is my test to see if I can type well enough on this decrepit, but free, laptop. So far, so good, but a little clumsy, A change in position might help that.

I was feeling really despairing a little bit ago. I'm really fed up with paperwork stuff and just can't keep on top of it. I sent a message to Jeff...okay I wanted to copy and paste FB conversation here and couldn't mnage that's one drawback,

In th end, it boiled down to I didn't feel supported, BUT I know in my heart that I cannot look to Jeff for that kind of support. He is somebody else's husband, and the relaionship we had thirty years ago is long past. Sad to lose that, even though I know life goes on.

I am also feeling terrible about not havin proper attire for th pool right now. I went online and ordered some bike short length bottoms that should correct my modesty and comfrt issues. My belly is really fat and my legs are thin. To get a suit to fit my fat belly leaves gaps in a very personal place, I cab't wait to get them. I may go so far as to wear my little swim skirt until I get the new ones, and even though I won't be able to keep it on when I swim laps I will feel better.

Okay, time to hit th sack. Love to my audience!

Going to try...

I am going to try blogging on the laptop Ian got for me. I need to have an option for writing when Eric is using this room. I don't have a Word program on there, but I think I can either open this blog directly or at least go into Yahoo! email and send myself an email that I can post and back date the next day. SO...I have to finish a little bit of paperwork tonight and then I hope to rejoin you later. TTFN

Blogging Every day...

...that I want to! Well. it's a good thing I didn't really sign up for Blog 365 (if it still exists). So many blogs except the professional, commercial blogs have died. I guess I am just glad to have this place to come and write about myself and be all narcissistic and stuff! I imagine that people are reading and are either fascinated or horrified at my life! Maybe when I die someone can read uplifting posts from my blog or something. Hah! Amber started typing Bobby's journal into a blog and then stopped. It's not that it wasn't uplifting. It was just raw in some ways that were pretty personal to her at the time. Maybe it will continue when she really has dealt with all the being raised in a well, a different life than she is choosing as an adult. Yes, this is one time I sort of censored my blog writing because I wanted to use the word "cult" in there, but denied myself, except now I didn't! :)

Great weekend. Stayed home mostly, except for going to a play last night. The script was amazing, but one of the actors (NOT Ian, the guy I know) was so horrible it was distracting. I can't even believe she got a role and I can't believe that the visiting guest artist director couldn't do more with her, Ian was great, even though his character was an asshole!

Cooked all day today and it was great. 2 pounds of beans, most of them frozen for later, cornbread, cupcakes for soup day at work tomorrow. I enjoyed every moment of it. A long afternoon nap, even though I had weird dreams, as usual lately, okay for my whole life, really.

Almost there...

I've been baking bread since I got home (sorta). I made three loaves and they are doing the last little bit of cooling so I can turn them out and put some olive oil on the crust to keep it soft. It smells SO good. It's like self-torture to make yeast bread and not eat gluten! I'm charging $8/loaf though, and I have a couple of people who have said they want to purchase this on a regular basis. It is a blend of wheat and white whole wheat flour, so 100% whole grain, with added whole cornmeal and bulgur kernels. Olive oil, yeast, water and salt. No sugar! I didn't believe it would rise without sugar and really thought the recipe was incorrect. It rises just fine, and it's really quite lovely!

I will deliver this by 9:00 in the morning and then after that I can work on the house and sleep until time to go to the play in the evening. Ian Martin, (I have to put his name so I can prove I knew him when) has a good role in a play called "Intimate Apparel." It's gotten some good reviews and I am anxious to see my former castmate in TKAM (He played Tom Robinson) in another show.

I've been fighting a nagging, but not severe, headache for almost a couple of weeks now. I am sure it is sinus pressure because the temps have been going up and down here and the NE coast is getting some major snow now so it is all related. I look forward to sleeping tonight!

Sleee-eep....

I need sleep. I've had two bad nights in a row and that is almost more than I can take these days. I was so tired at work this afternoon I wanted to leave. I stuck it out, however AND even made it to the class part of the Y. I didn't stay and swim laps, however. We did some slow core strength work at the end and I got cold.  I just felt like I would freeze to death if I stayed in the pool. I went up and took a shower and for once, than goodness, the water was hot. Yay! I talked to a couple of other women in the locker room and they told me the showers at the other end are warmer so from now on they are going to have to fight me for them. Naked shower fight at the Y....

Yikes.

I'm so frustrated trying to get my eating under control. I know I can do it. Why am I afraid?

Well finally.

Eric came over and started doing the stuff to get the rooms ready for him and Eli. He decided Michael's room will be better for Eli so he started working in there. I was a little freaked out because there is stuff in there I haven't touched  - like fossils Michael found and science stuff. Eric was pretty cavalier about putting stuff in boxes to go to the garage. Michael called and said he was going to come over and I asked Eric to go ahead and hang the blind. I think he could tell I was freaking a little bit maybe because then he said he would Go away and let Michael sort some stuff. So Michael has been here tonight  and it has been nice. We've listened to some music and chatted and ate. I made some cookies for him to take back to share at Ghosthouse with the heroic roomates who took him to the hospital last week.

I've had a really relaxed day for the most part. I wish every day could be like this, only with maybe three hours of productive writing thrown in. I am looking forward to starting a new week and working more on getting my shot sorted out for this room to be ready for Eric to stay. I'm trying to figure out how I can blog daily or near daily without having to invade his space. I have a laptop that Ian (Heather's boyfriend) rescued from a dumpster for me. It's not fully functional, but I might be able to write to myself as emails and then actually post stuff to the blog once a week or something. We'll see.

Feeling really good to have spent this time with Michael and also resting today. I'm also tired from the sinus headache and now I took Sudafed and I need to go to sleep soon. 

The Truman Show

Bloomington Playwrights Project did a musical adaptation of The Truman Show - remember the movie with Jim Carrey in what I think was his first non-comedy acting role? I liked the movie and I really liked the show tonight. I was really curious about how it could be adapted and was surprised and pleased at the result. The chorus had some great numbers and they all had little roles as the townspeople and such and they were great. One great thing about living in Bloomington is the quality of the performers because of IU. They even have an official Musical Theater major now. Of course it makes it difficult for us "regular people" to get roles in community productions, but it makes it fun to be in the audience! Afterward there was a talkback with the writers and I always love those.

I really wanted to go, but it's a short on cash weekend before payday. I made a post that I'd trade some goods if somebody would buy a ticket for me. Charis, whose kitty I had let live here some over the summer, bought a ticket for me. She had said way back then that she wanted to get a gift for me for letting Ms. Wrigley stay here, but I said no, so this was a nice surprise.

Same-O, Same-O.

Isn't it weird when people say that? I don't even really know what it means. I guess it's ort of like "Same old, Same old, stuff." At least that's what it seems like.

Same-o is that I am tired. There is a new series on Netflix and Kevin Spacey is the lead character and I noticed also an executive producer. He usually does good material. I am looking forward to watching it, but I hate politics. We'll see if it is about the people enough to keep me interested. The West Wing did for at least a couple of years. Kevin's not really that pretty anymore so I won't be watching it for that. I started while I was eating dinner and I've paused it to do this and go put the food away. Then I am going to go curl up in my warm bed and watch the rest!

Yawn...

So tired. Work was borrific today. I sat and read so many articles on xojane it was crazy.

I did my class and then swam 600 meters tonight.

Then I went to Dollar General because I like the salsa they have.

Then I went to Kroger to get other stuff.

Then I went to Wendy's and bought chili for dinner.

Then I came home and ate it.

Now I have to put the groceries away and go. to. bed.

Erik is coming over to start working on the house tomorrow.  He's actually a handyman sort of guy so he can help me with some stuff around the house instead of me paying Dave hundreds of dollars to do it. Yay. (Too tired for an exclamation point)

Surely Shirley!

I've been tracking my food intake, exercise, and weight on My Fitness Pal for almost a month. I usually go over my calories. I've lost 2.8 pounds. I need to exercise more often. My duration is good when I do it, but so far I only do it when I have my class, which is three days a week. Also the past two weeks I've missed one of those days. Last week it was a motivation problem crossed with way freezing temps and this week was helping my sick younger offspring get meds and stuff. I think my goal for the next thirty days need to be: cut my sweet snacks because that is what makes my calories go over, and I need to add at least one more day to my exercise, even if it is just doing my yoga video. My weight today was 200.2. Surely, Surely, Shirley, I can get down to 195 in the next month, right?!

I will be getting a couple of roommates soon, at least for awhile. A man named Erik (I don't know if he has a k, but I like it!) and his son Eli, will be moving in sometime in the next few days. They need to have a space with two full bedrooms so Erik can file an emergency custody change to get Eli with him full time. He has the "crazy ex" thing going on and needs to get Eli out of the bad situation. Erik came over today while I was home sick with a migraine/sinus ouchy headache. We looked at the family room aka the purple room formerly known as Emily's room to see what needs to be done to it to make it an acceptable little boy bedroom. Erik will have to do most of the work because I will be at work and exercising and I have some baking to do in the next few days also. Probably as soon as Monday CPS will come over to make sure there is a good, safe space for Eli. It's a good weekend that I am not going to go visit Carmel. I am a little bit wary because I am enjoying living alone so much. I recall, however, that one of the things I thought about getting a house is that I will share my space with others who need it. The past few times have tended to be the crazy part of the equation. I'm glad this time I am housing the other side of the coin with a  "pretty chill" (Michael quote) guy.

It's yesterday, really!

Meaning, yep it's after midnight, but I have neither blogged nor gone to bed yet.

Whew! I went up to Carmel Friday night after the YMCA. It was mahvelous, of course. We took the girls to what was supposed to be story time at Barnes and Noble, but they don't really have it anymore. We played with the babies with the toys and the puppets, which was a hoot! There was a pretty realistic dog puppet and Zoe was in love. She threw her arms around it and really hugged it several times.

Well, this.

You can see why I love spending my time with them!

I returned home early Sunday so I could drive up north AGAIN to attend a play in Beech Grove. It is a two man cast, called Mass Appeal. One of my castmates from Mockingbird was the older priest. It was pretty good, and then Gretchen, my friend /carpool buddy and I also went out with the cast and crew afterward. Of course I had turned off my cell phone for the performance and I didn't turn it back on until I was getting ready to go to bed, about 1am... There's a series of voice mails...

Michael - Mom, I took Tylenol and my fever is not going down, should I take some more?
Michael - something unintelligible (this is a common problem for us)
Edwin (roommate type) - Michael is really sick so we're taking him to the um... doctor, yeah to the doctor.
Michael - I'm in the hospital waiting for tests.
Michael - I'm in room (unintelligible), (something else unintelligible) I don't have Heather and Emily's numbers and they might need to know (lots of unintelligible)

SO - I look at my phone and the number displayed when Edwin called was Shaina's (another roommate type) I called her because I don't know if Michael is in hospital, awake, etc.

She said it was only the emergency room, he was never admitted, that in fact, he's upstairs eating vegetable lo mein right now. She told me the saga that Michael's fever got so high he passed out at the top of the stairs and fell all the way down. She thought his legs were broken because he was so tangled up. He came to and they decided he wasn't broken so they got him back upstairs and he promptly passed out again. They decided they could take him to the hospital and save a thousand bucks so they took him in. It turns out he just has really, really bad strep throat.  He's on mega antibiotics, and codeine cough syrup and loads of ibuprofen.  I took over soup and Gatorade and sudafed and such. I offered for him to come home and stay but he doesn't want to. He usually sleeps in a shack that is unheated and has no water and does all his other stuff at Ghosthouse (that's why Edwin and Shaina are merely roommate types and not full roommates). He's been pretty sick for a couple of weeks and has been staying over there a lot more, on a couch, but he doesn't have a real bedroom. Tonight they are having a house concert, probably hard-core punk, so he's sleeping at some other house so he can rest, but STILL doesn't want to some home. At least he's in a real house with heat (of course it's 60 degrees today and tomorrow!, damn Indiana)

SO - babies are cute, plays are good and Michael is sick, but cared for by many.

And now, I must retire.

and when I check the "friends" label tonight I include the inhabitants of Ghosthouse, because what better friends than to help take care of my younger offspring when I am off gallivanting around with those shady theater people!

Let's face it.

Madeline is tired, too!

I'm tired!

I remember going to the drive in and seeing this movie when I was 6 or 7 and LOVED this scene! I had no idea what the song was about. We saw so many movies at the drive in in Richmond. It was right across the street from Frisch's and Dad would come over after he closed up for the night. My favorite movie that we saw was probably The Andromeda Strain or maybe The Omega Man. I have read them both now and really enjoyed the books, too. I've also read a lot of other Michael Crichton and enjoyed most of it.  My parents had no filters as to what was age appropriate. I could see or read anything I wanted. In some ways that was great, in others, not so good. It was just another reflection of how many ways there were no boundaries or skewed boundaries at most, in my growing up. It made it hard when I was a parent, to know the balance for my children. 

Back in the saddle (water)

I made it to the pool tonight, did my class with devotion and then swam 600 meters.  I rock. I am so tired. I made a list of things to do and it is just the bare minimum I need to do to complete this day and be somewhat ready for tomorrow. I might have to get creative with what to take for lunch. I think I have some peanut butter and I have celery left from making the stuffing for dinner last night. That might just be lunch! If I had the energy to bake I could make some of the baked oatmeals, but I. am. too. tired. Maybe tomorrow I can bake them, when I won't have class. I keep thinking I will go to Panache and try a dancefit class and see how my knee feels and how I handle it, but I have been so tired all the time I kind of want the days off. I just know it's good to mix it up a little and do different movements. I also enjoyed the people there a lot when I did it all the time before, before, before...the KNEE INCIDENT.
Maybe next week. :)

Sleepy...

I'm a little bit worried because of the amount of sleeping I have done the past few days. It reminds me a little of where I was maybe two years (guessing) ago when my major daily accomplishment was getting out of bed and getting to work and that was ALL I could do. Since Sunday that is about where I am. Tomorrow I am going to FORCE myself to go to the water class and swim. I guess I have also been cooking homemade food. Maybe it's not as bad as it was at that time.

I made roasted brussels sprouts for the first time tonight. I have never liked them before until a couple of years ago Whryne made them this way and I liked them. Then some of the women at work talked about the brussel sprouts in their stinky lunches. I bought some last week at Trader Joe's and finally got around to making them tonight. Pretty yummy, plus the baby cabbages are cruciferous vegetables that are full of good phytochemical compounds that fight cancer.  Brussels Sprouts for everyone! Now I will take my own stinky lunch tomorrow.

Oh, my aching feet!

Just a short report.

It's fucking cold here, so cold they put the schools on a two hour delay for tomorrow already. Everybody always thinks it's so the children won't have to stand out in the cold, but it's really because it takes the buses that long to warm up enough to drive and steer.

My feet were so swollen today I had to take my socks off because they were cutting into my legs and my shoes hurt my feet. I haven't had that for a long, long time. It probably would have been good for them to go to the Y and get in the pool, but I was so whiney and it's so cold I couldn't handle it. I came home and went to bed. I got up around 7:00 and cooked some chili. Now I've eaten and I am going to go back to bed very soon. I also took two pills of diuretics so I hope that will work. I haven't taken any for weeks! I'm really frustrated that they are swelling again.

I'm going to go wash my dinner dishes and pack lunch for tomorrow and then head to bed. I might play in bed and go on FB or something, but probably not for too long.

Good night.

To sleep, perchance to dream.

Last night I went out to Renee's (Whyne's) birthday party. She throws herself a pretty big birtrhday party each year, and this was her 40th... so She and Breshaun rented the downstairs room of the Bishop bar and Mose the DJ did a show. Breshaun made a ton of food and others contributed and of course, there was a full bar upstairs.

I spent the entire day baking bread and I was actually so tired I contemplated not going. I hadn't been outside all day, but it sounded windy. I decided if the temperature was above 40 I would go. It was 50, so I took a shower and got dressed. This was Renee's party right, so I knew the ordinary wouldn't do. I kind of did the ordinary and then added on a little bit, something that had only before been seen by an audience of one...

my fishnet stockings!

I felt wild, but this is another woman...

(and Whryne)
and this is what David Ernst wore

Kind of like your everyday Rocky Horror Picture Show cast, just for fun.

It turned out I was completely in the mood for dancing. I danced almost the entire time I was there, even when I was the only one out on the floor! I had to sit down every once in a while to rest my feet and I noshed a little, but really for about three hours I was moving most of the time.

SO...today I slept, I slept, I slept. I ended up going to bed about 2:30, I awakened the first tie about 5:30 with a terrible headache, took Benedryl and Tylenol with caffeine. Even with the caffeine I went back to sleep until Gillian called about picking up their bread, about 9:30, I think. I got up and made labels and packaged the bread and about 11:30 I thought they forgot and lay back down. Then they got here... Right after they left I went back to bed about noon, then slept until almost 7:30 tonight! I had bizarre dreams, not the really terrifying nightmares of sometimes, but disturbing ones, plane crash where a man's head got scraped off, trying to call 911 and frustrated (as usual!) etc.

So tonight I delivered a loaf of bread, talked to Charlie on the phone, made laundry detergent, ate, watched stuff and I plan to try to get to bed by midnight, which is very soon. I hope I can sleep. I hope that the day sleeping today was tired from last night and catch up and it won't disturb my sleep cycle. We will see.

I am glad I went out last night. I didn't really meet new people, but I did see some I hadn't seen for a while and danced and enjoyed myself and did something a little out the ordinary for these days and it was good.