Y-a-w-n...

I love being in "To Kill A Mockingbird." The adult cast, especially Mayella and Tom Robinson are absolutely amazing. During the courtroom scene the testimonies are riveting.

It's hard on me physically. Long hours sitting after long hours sitting at the office. AND during the day I play the role of interested, funny, kind salesperson. At night I play the role of gossipy southern lady trial audience. Both are draining! Last night I wore my costume shoes and my feet felt like raw meat afterward. I went to the store today and bought foot cushions and moleskin to try tomorrow night. Last night after that long rehearsal I didn't sleep. I was up or restless most of the night. I went home after work and my stop at Dollar General and went to bed. I slept over two hours, until 7:46. Charlie had said he would come over and help me get the garage ready and bring in the Food Not Bombs equipment from my car. When I called him after I awakened I think he could tell I was still really tired so we are putting it on hold again.

Tomorrow night is a four and a half hour rehearsal, finally in the theatre. Both of my children have performed at the Buskirk Chumley on multiple occasions and I never have. I think this is a fine little spot of how my life is turning around as an "empty nester."

The Sky is falling

and it is taking the house with it. $4500 or so will fix this little problem. Sigh.

Gnoll, the pit bull

We cooked over at Ross's house tonight and these are a couple of his roommates! I had a headache so I reclined on a couch a bit and Gnoll kept me company. Charlie was cooking with us and he threatened to take a photo and record it for history, but I felt too yucky to consent tonight. I still have this deep inner fear that Gnoll will turn around and clamp down on my face, but he's pretty calm, really. If I have to spend time with a pit bull, it would be Gnoll.

Deep breath.

I'm feeling a little better now, listening to classic rock and baking.

It rained last night and my ceiling leaked some more. I need to make a decision and make the financial arrangements and get the roof done.

Work was really hard. Christie quit and moved to Alabama and her replacement hasn't started yet, and even when she does this job takes FOREVER to really learn.

Food Not Bombs is so disorganized it's driving me crazy. We couldn't get our act together for cooking tonight and I spent time figuring out that it could not be done. I suggested a do-over for tomorrow and that is in the works.

Going back and forth trying to camp with Scarlett this week and not getting any sleep really wore me out.

I built nap time into between Farmer's Market and FNB cooking so I hope I can get rested and feel better.

Gotta go wash dishes and start packaging.

Everything turns to shit.

I am having one of those nights where I just want to scream, "No matter how hard I try everything just turns to shit!!" I know it's really not true. I am tired. I am hungry. I am discouraged. I feel lack of support in some of my efforts. I am going to eat and rest a little and if I feel better I will cook for Farmers' Market tomorrow. If I still feel like this I am going to go to a movie or go to bed! I will return and report.

Writing Workshop.

I went to a mini writing workshop tonight - a "sampler" offered to let people experiment and see if they want to undertake an entire 13 week session. We did a "fast write" exercise with fifteen minutes to write and it was based on "postcards." One of the choices was to write three postcards, as if they were from the same place, but at different time. My brother Bobby is on my mind today because it would have been his 60th birthday.

Dear Deanna -

Here I am in Utah at Bobby and Karen's house. It's nice to see him and his family living with a fair amount of security, compared to what it was like in the earlier days for their family. All the children are busy and seem to be happy. The house is big, with enough room for everybody. The neighborhood is full of friendly people and church is about three blocks away. Gotta go - the whole crew is going camping and I have to help get ready!


 Dear Deanna -

Back in Utah on another summer vacation We're actually driving down to Arizona to go to the Grand Canyon and hike. The kids are so busy that only Barbara and Angela are coming with us. They are the ones who are nearest to Em & M in age, so I guess it's okay. The rest have jobs or school or lessons they have to stay to do. Karen's not even coming. She's going to stay in Las Vegas to help Amber, who is on bed rest.

Love you!  Hopie


Dear Deanna -

Back in Utah and it's very quiet. Everybody takes turns sitting with Bobby. It's getting to where we listen so carefully, thinking each breath might be the last. Becca and Ang are the only ones who still live here. Everyone else had to drive or fly. It's strange to see the mountains only in the distance and know that Bobby will never take me camping or hiking or skiing again. The family takes so much comfort in their faith. Even though I am not up in the mountains this year I am deep, deep in the wilderness - and all alone this time.

I am Camping, right?

Scarlett invited me to go camping this week. I decided that even though I have to work I would go spend the evenings with her at the campground at Paynetown State Recreation Area. Last night after dinner at the park I came home and got my tent and went out there. Scarlett helped me put up the tent because it is a big one. I can't sleep in hers because she suffers multiple chemical sensitivities and my stuff has all been washed in regular detergent and fabric softener. We sat outside at the picnic table and talked for quite a while. We really had some catching up to do and it was SO nice. It was supposed to rain, but it never got more than a light sprinkle so it was fine. We decided to go to bed maybe 10:30 or so, which is early for me, but I REALLY needed it after baking, market, canning tomatoes, dinner at the park, etc... Well, it turned out my old body no longer likes sleeping on the ground. It felt so hard, and my fat is not distributed evenly, so I have bony edges right where they hurt. I really got very little sleep and my mind was even keeping track of time. Then there were people walking around our campsite, then there were people setting up camp next door, people with dogs, loud people with dogs. I felt like my body had been keeping track of time. I told myself, it could be 12:30 even though it feels like 3:30. I finally gave up and looked at my phone. It was 3:28. Sigh. I gave up. I got up and found my shoes and tiptoed (unnecessarily) over to Scarlett's tent. "Scarlett."(whispered, unnecessarily), "I'm driving into town for peace and quiet!" She completely understood. I tried at first to drive over to a parking lot by a boat ramp and tried to sleep there. It didn't work so around 4:30 I headed toward town, arrived home about 5:00 and came in and slept until about 7:30, then got up and went to work.

Tonight there were storms forecast and Scarlett didn't want to camp in that spot if it were lightning because it's under four tall trees. I'm home tonight. I hope to go out and sleep Tuesday night, then Wednesday after work I will have to go take down the tent and then I have a writing workshop "sampler" at 7:00. So tonight I need to sleep, slee-eep. sleeeee-eeeeep! I've already taken one "Calms Forte" and  I'm going to get sleepy no matter what!

Market Day...

I took the same stuff to the market this week that I did last week. The market was super slow today, so I didn't sell very much stuff.

Today was so nice! I've done so many things I love in the past 24 hours.  Last night I baked, packaged and labeled. Today I went to the market. The story reading lady didn't show up for stories under the big oak tree. I ended up reading 3 books to some children. I came home with a cantaloupe and 25 pounds of tomatoes from the Amish farmer, Amos, next to me. I took a nap. I sat and played my new penny whistle for a long time. I drove Michael and Ross out to the national forest to camp. I came home and started canning. My first batch is 5 pints and they are processing in the water bath right now.

The Blue Book says tomatoes have to process for an hour and 25 minutes, so all these times I have made and canned spaghetti sauce I guess I am lucky we haven't gotten botulism. I've really, really cheated on those by not knowing what I was doing! So badly that I don't want to put it in writing! All I will say is I am glad I finally decided to read. :)  I just took them out and they look funny. I think I am going to go to YouTube and see if there is a video.

I kind of want to do another batch tonight, but then I will end up staying up too late. More tomorrow.

Daily Challenge

Today's Daily Challenge is a writing challenge. It feels difficult to me, I wonder how it feels to people who don't enjoy writing or don't write well. The challenge is to spend five minutes writing about something that is a stressor. I'm going to go for the very short term - right now cleaning my kitchen is a complete stressor to me. I have let it go so often lately. I've committed to have a table at the Smithville Farmers' Market this Saturday. In order to bake cleanly I need to completely clean my kitchen and do the floors. I am overwhelmed. I think that my feelings are also based on the bigger picture. If I make a commitment to sell at the market each week, it will have to push Food Not Bombs to the side both time-wise and energy-wise. I feel very committed to that work, yet I need to get the income and get exposure for Hope's Homemades. I guess one thing I can do to blend the two is take any leftovers to the park. I'm working to find a cooking facility for the weeks we cannot use Banneker Center and if that would come to fruition that would be a big contribution.

Deciding where to spend my energy and my time is difficult. I wish I didn't need money. I'm also pretty committed to my capitalistic lifestyle! I love my house and my "stuff" way too much to risk losing it. Sigh.