Assorted topics - just like life.

I went to bed nice and early last night, but awakened about 9:00 with a TERRIBLE headache. I took a lot of medicine and went back to bed until about 11:00. Then I had to get up and eat and hope I didn't throw up. I made it okay. I still stayed completely in the house today except for about two minutes of walking outside to help Breshaun put the fish in her car. Yep. I am now pet free. I decided that I am tired of taking care of even a FISH! Jonas, Breshaun's five year old son wants a puppy or kitten and she mentioned that she wanted him to start out with something small so I offered the fish. I'm glad to give it to someone who really wants it.

I discovered a new TV show that I have been watching on HULU - "Kitchen Nightmares." They feature a different restaurant that is in crisis in each episode. Chef Gordon Ramsey goes in for a week and makes changes to save them. Day one he goes in and eats lunch and then observes dinner. Day two he inspects the kitchen for cleanliness and quality of supplies. Day three the restaurant usually gets a makeover and new menu . Then there is some kind of promotion and a "relaunch." Then a dinner service where the new menu and the servers and cooks are put to the test.

I have learned a few things I need to keep in mind if I keep dreaming of "The Broken Yolk Cafe."
Clean
Fresh
Local
Healthy
Simple
Beautiful (food and decor)
Efficient (cooking are service)
Correct portions
I am sure I will learn more if I continue watching.

I wrote Ben an email today title "Website"

Ben:

I just checked and there is still nothing there from you.

As far as I am concerned I own the work that you did on the website in exchange for the time that you stayed here and were provided room and board that was supposed to be in exchange for the website building.

If you load the code on a disc or other portable medium and deliver it to me either in person or by mail by Nov. 7 we can consider that debt settled. I will still be out a lot of money because I will have to pay someone with the technical skill to load it onto the site and to complete whatever portion has not been finished. The business is already active again and I have had two sales since the original deadline has passed. I have not been able to provide information to my customers through the website as I had planned. I plan to be very active through the holidays and need to have the website operational NOW.

Please call or email if you have any questions. If you don't recall, the mailing address is ....

Hope

I also changed the password so he can't get into the website and do anything.

I am pissed about the website (or lack thereof), but I am sad about the breakdown of what began as a good relationship. I can't believe something so fucked up happened. I guess I should because that is a pattern in my life. One therapist helped me discover the word for what I feel happens to me and that word is "betrayal." Sigh... I guess I just learn and grow from here.

My head still hurts and I know that even if the pain is gone tomorrow I am going to have that "headache hangover." I am going to take one more dose of painkillers and some tranquilizers so I will go to sleep quickly. I'm off to bed.

Oh - I hope I blog again tomorrow and I have some things to write about making lists.

Bad, Bad Blogger, I am.

I hate it that so many people have quit blogging and use only Facebook instead. I've griped about it before. I think I wrote a poem about it, if I recall correctly. Here I am, however, one of them. I have played on FB nightly and ignored my blog, even though one of my "Back on Track" goals is to begin to write regularly again!

Life is busy, but that's just an excuse.

I had an "Open House/Sale/Website Launch Party" Saturday. There is no website to be launched, however. Ben still has not put anything up. I gave him until the 30th for final completion, so will see what happens. I don't know how much recourse I would have to recoup my financial losses. We only had a verbal agreement to begin. I do have some emails in which he acknowledged his part of the bargain. It wouldn't do any good to take him to small claims anyway. He doesn't have any money. I just want my website!!! I made a few sales at the party, but I haven't added up receipts on the expenditure yet. I think I will still come up at a loss, but I did gain a couple of new customers from the dance studio.

I also think I have a catering gig at the dance studio this weekend (Annual Showcase extravaganza!) where I should rake in some bucks. I bought 225 nacho trays for less than $5.00. Each tray gets a small bunch of grapes, a pretty strawberry, five small slices of cheese, 5 crackers, a homemade brownie and a mint. Selling price is $3.00. They will be prepared ahead of time, plastic wrapped, labeled with the Brownie ingredients and Hope's Homemades information and sold during intermission. It is probably another time when I will not make enough money to actually pay myself for labor BUT they are selling 100 tickets to each show. If half the people buy at each show and see the name.....there you go! Sandy and Scott are really into supporting local businesses and start-ups and they seem excited about it. Happy.

http://www.panachedance.com/news/panacheatthefarmersmarket

My feet are really swollen today. I chose belly dance over Zumba because you belly dance barefoot. Tomorrow is Bollywood and I really don't want to miss it. If my feet are still so bad I will have to try it in socks and just be careful not to slip. I also am not sure if I will be able to go because my friend Tim is installing my sink and he needs me here. So unless I can get someone else to come help with the sink (and Michael has his cello lesson), I may not make it back to the studio by 6:00. I haven't added up my exercise minutes for the month, but the goal is 700 and it's getting pretty close to the end of the month! Ahhhh!

Maybe a decade...

I don't know how long it has been since I have worn a Halloween costume, but I am making a cool costume this year. It's all Karmin's fault. Her costume idea HAD to have a companion to it. I will definitely post pictures. It's really something the world should never see. Aren't you curious?

It is over...

When I arrived home from my weekend in Indianapolis Ben was gone and all his stuff except kitty is moved out. He left a note that said she will be picked up within a couple of days and that he will leave his key at that time. To his credit, he left the room nice and clean and I appreciate that. I am going to send him an email and ask about the website completion. I think he still owes me that for how long he was here. If he says he won't put it up I am going to ask him to put all the code or whatever for it on a disc so I can hire someone else to put it online and get it going for me. As far as I am concerned, the images on the mockups of the site that he has done and all the photos and all the work belong to me as rent for that time period.

I feel sad that it ended this way. I was so optimistic about the arrangement. It seemed so happy when we were cooking for each other sometimes and helping each other out and it felt like it was a reciprocal relationship in many ways. It got a little scary the night he crashed his bike and he yelled at me because somehow that was MY fault... I felt better after we talked it out though. Right now I am disheartened, but I will have to get over it.

I will admit I am happy to have the house to myself. If I am having insomnia I can do laundry at 3am if I want to! I can leave dirty dishes if I want to! I can eat a frozen dinner if I want to! I can have my not-boyfriend over for fun if I want to! Hell - I can use my vibrator without worrying that it is too noisy! haha!

I have LOTS to do before I can go to bed and I also feel the need to listen to some music and sing along really loudly or to watch a wast-oid TV show so TTFN.

Copy of post to my FB women's Group:

Yes, but see now he has to spend all his time looking for an apartment so it's all my fault the website won't be ready in time. :) If you look at his blog where he had been posting how he is building the website you can see that on top of the entry about the evolution of the website are all his football picks....Hmmmm - no time to work on the website, but time to play poker online, watch TV, Make complicated football picks, and I am not sure, but I think real gambling on football games - oh and time and money to go to the bar and have a few beers with his friends while he watches the games. I suspect Ben is not just a problem drinker, but a problem gambler also. It is FACT that his plan prior to becoming homeless was to move to Vegas and try to play professional poker. I think he never got the means to make the trip....

http://puppymint.wordpress.com/2010/10/09/nfl-picks-ats-week-5/

The chopsticks are off the table. I think the post I made about it with the picture might have shown up on the regular news feed because I posted it on the wall and not as a discussion...I think you just have to be one of our friends, and not a member of the group to see those posts, but I am not sure. If that is true, I am sure HE thinks I am the one being passive-aggressive, but I really just meant to share it with you guys.

The women at work are telling me that I should kick him out THIS weekend, that he has no intention of ever completing the website, that he is going to string me along as long as possible, etc... The one time a few weeks ago when he WAS completely unreasonable and mean (while drunk) the next morning when we talked about it he said one of his biggest fears was that if I got angry with him I would just kick him out with no warning. I promised him at that time that I would never do that unless I were afraid of him, in which case I would call the Sheriff and have him arrested. I feel a moral obligation to stick to that promise... chopsticks on the table and pans on the stove are a pain in the ass, but not violent or frightening. The other women, however, feel that when he said that he was supplying himself with a manipulation technique to use in the future and I've been suckered by it.

I am finding myself in the position of abused woman again - where I almost wish he WOULD do something violent or aggressive so I would have the excuse to kick him out immediately. I'd have Michael and Pat and Eric and Joey and Seth (BIG Seth) come and stand with me and help Ben carry out his stuff. I could probably get some of the lovable rednecks from work to come too if needed.

I hate this. I hate drama. I want a freaking BORING life.


"Hope,

With the timing you are expecting me to leave the house, I must first focus full-time on finding a new place to live. When that is settled, I will be happy to focus on the website. You should plan your party accordingly. There is an outside chance it could be finished by then but it's not probable at this point. I appreciate the opportunity to show it off to your friends, but it is going to be a full-time job just to get an apt. set up. Finding part or full-time employment is also part of this scenario. If you'd like to show off the website "look" from my blog, that could still be a nice teaser for the party. I assure you I have every intention to finish it up as soon as possible.

As far as a moveout date is concerned, I'm trying to make the arrangements to move as quickly as possible. I have a few inquiries out and I'm spending time biking around and calling numbers, looking at sublet postings online, etc. So, the answer currently is "not sure when", but the Waldos can and will take me back if I can't arrange something by your 30-day moveout period (by Nov. 23). I agree to your $50/wk offer and I can arrange to have $50 available for you next weekend. I'll do my best to be sensitive to your needs as the party arrives.

Ben"

Back on Track report again.

A reminder again because it has been while:

1) Learn to balance my goals of movement with learning to listen to my body and STOP when the pain says to stop.

2) Get compulsive eating habits under control and eat more whole foods

3) Develop relationships with balance between helping my friends and family, yet meeting my own needs and requesting and accepting help to do so when necessary.

4) Read more books again

5) Begin to write daily again - even a short minimum

6) Get finances under control and set priorities with specific goals to manage them.

7) Maintain the house, car and gardens at an acceptable level without harming my physical health - require Michael's help to do so.

8) Make a decision about the business and then either do it or DON'T do it.

9) Cleanse my life of unnecessary physical objects - keep only what is treasured, valued, honored, loved and used.

10) Get my social life back to a comfortable point, including hosting parties and other gatherings.

1) I think I am getting pretty good at this. I still have guilt feelings if I plan on a dance class or activity and then skip it, but I am trying to remember that in the long run it will keep me healthier by NOT increasing the frequency or intensity of my headaches and by helping me to NOT injure myself because I tried to dance or walk when I was too tired. I miss the swimming, but I can't afford the YMCA and the dance studio both. If I had access to a pool I could swim or kick or tread water when foot pain is the barrier. I don't see a way to manage both options financially, however.

2) Still working on this. It was a little easier when Ben and I were kind of taking turns cooking AND the garden was ripening all at the same time. Now we are a little at odds and doing our own foods, mostly. I don't like cooking for one and I don't like eating leftovers very much. I am more tempted to eat out than ever and I tend to NOT choose healthy foods if I do. I need to find some good solutions and habits for this. I have been reading lots of articles on the Sparkpeople.com to get some ideas.

3) I think I am getting much better on this. It took TWO doctors putting a moratorium on my visits to Lafayette for about six weeks before the muscle spasms/neck pain/ headaches started to clear up. I still feel sometimes that my emotional difficulties or stress are causing physical symptoms. The more I learn to balance however, the less I notice it. I also think the stretching associated with the dance classes has helped the muscle spasms.

4) I have been reading some more! Strangely I have read several non-fiction books in a row, which is not my norm. I have enjoyed them, however and am glad to have made those choices.

5) I still don't write daily. I am thinking of participating in National Novel Writing month in November. I am afraid of it though. The memoirs are tough to write emotionally (and I guess they are not really a novel). The novel is SO barely started that it seems overwhelming. Maybe a goal like that will help. The every day thing kind of scares me a little bit too. I am trying to get away from perfectionist, all-or-nothing thinking and a "so many words a day" goal seems like it would feed that part of me I am trying to heal!

6) Actually doing better at this, even while helping Michael get set up for the dorms and stuff like that. I still have to fight compulsive spending on cheap shit or good "bargains." I watch another episode of "Hoarders" to scare myself out of purchases!

7) House is pretty good. I desperately need to finish a couple of projects that have been partially completed for WAY too long. I also need to get the garage ready for parking the car so I don't have to scrape windows. Michael is going to have to come home and arrange bikes and parts to accomplish this. I am going to call the guy who gave me an estimate on installing the new sink and lights in my bathroom and ask him if he can do it on the 22nd. Then I will be FORCED to complete the floor by then.

8) Business decision was YES. I have a fall sale planned Oct. 23rd. It's supposed to also be a website launch party, but I am discouraged about the website being complete by then. I have some new associations through the dance studio, however and that could add to my potential customer base.

9) Still purging! I have taken a lot of stuff out or given away on Freecycle. I have another box filling up right now. It's kind of hard for me. I actually have empty shelf space on my bookshelves and I think I could spend some winter hours in there organizing and labeling and be content!

10) Have been going out some, mostly to karaoke, went out to dinner with a friend from work on Monday. I also have the website launch party planned and announced for the 23rd. Although it's a combination of business and pleasure I am still happy with the plan.

So getting better every day, every week, every month. Now a cure for the restlessness and insomnia would be lovely.

Visitin Emily & Scott./ Passive aggressive

The wind farm at night...they have red lights at the top of each windmill and they flash in synchronicity. If you didn't know what it was it would freak you out, I think. It kind of freaked me out and I even knew about the fields of windmills.

Emily didn't want her picture taken so I took a picture of the beautiful flowers instead.

Does who/what holds the remote control designate who is in control of the household?

Emily bought cupcakes for my birthday and had them frosted with a ton of my favorite chocolate fudge frosting.

There was so much frosting I couldn't even get my mouth around it!
Notice I had my hair all chopped off - during this trip. It was one of my birthday presents to myself.

This was on the way there - I was afraid it would storm the entire time.

but look! A rainbow. I knew we were in for good times.

If you were staying in somebody's home free of charge and hadn't fulfilled your part of the bargain would you have the balls to place a competing centerpiece on the table in the homeowner's least favorite color and style? This just gradually appeared on my table - it began with chopsticks on the sideboard, a few days later they migrated to the table, a few days later the plate appeared, a few days later the placemats. I don't know if it is better to repress and let my anger and bewilderment sort of simmer, or if I need to casually toss off a, "Hey - those don't match and I would like them moved." I know if I wait until the 23rd, the day of my party then I have an "excuse" to say, "I am having a party and these need moved for the space." I shouldn't have to, though! It's MY fucking house and I am the one who gets to decide on the centerpiece. Yes, I agree they are beautiful, in their way, but shouldn't someone even ASK - "hey, I really love these and I would like to display them. Do you mind? Or is there a certain spot you would like them to go?" It's the same passive agression that he doesn't like where I store my pans because it's inconvenient, so when he puts away dishes he leaves all the pans sitting out on the stove. That's bullshit. I keep telling myself in the long-term scheme of things where one of my friend's daughters is battling a crippling disease, my own son is suffering depression and adjustment difficulties, and children are starving to death in the world that this shit really doesn't matter, but the fact is, it makes me unsettled and angry in my own home. So I don't know how to handle it. Do I have the skills to say the things I need to say instead of letting it simmer? I was such a good manager when I worked atg the bank. It's funny when I could do that, but I can't even handle these little tiny things in my personal life.

"My religion is loving people."

from Mrs. Q's blog "Fed Up with lunch: The School lunch project."

I wish that were true for everybody. I'm fed up with the religions of conformity, obedience, judgment and hatred, disguised as love.

My friend Jen got a baby - a two year old boy named Billy. I can't wait to meet him. I may have to head up north sooner than I thought. Emily has invited Michael and me up for Thanksgiving and I just couldn't see how I could work it out. Jen's birthday is also around that time so maybe we need to do some serious getting a child/birthday party celebrating! He's a foster right now and I hope it works out. I know she'll be a great mom!

It's well after midnight and I am still stinky from Bollywood dancefit so I need to get my butt in the shower and get to bed.

Last month my exercise goal was 500 minutes and I did 748. This month the goal is 600. I think I've started to lose weight again, but my leg is so full of fluid that I haven't weighed myself. I know it will be heavier and I don't want to be upset about it. I am working out the kinks so I can use the rest of my flexible spending money and get to the M.D. It's been since May. I am on TWO kinds of diuretics and my leg is still swelling often. I actually think he meant to substitute one for the other, but I have continued taking both. I get occasional cramping, but not too badly. They have a lower carb Gatorade now that still has the electrolytes so I have been keeping that on hand, plus bananas, plus tomatoes so I think I am keeping my electrolytes in balance okay. I have a goal to get to the dr. before the end of November.

Okay, off to shower.

Phew...

I've been exhausted lately. I kind of took a weekend off from dance classes and I don't know if it made me more rested or more tired. I took Friday off to go to the orchestra Basket Bingo with Debbie. The first time EVER I have gone and played instead of volunteering to help sell food or something. Afterward we went out to karaoke for just a little while. Yesterday I slept late, then went to campus and got Michael and his laundry. We spent some time just hanging out, then I went grocery shopping while he transferred some files from the home computer to his new laptop. I made a giant batch of egg salad and we had sandwiches for lunch. I might have taken a nap in there somewhere... then I took him back to the dorm. I came home and showered and got ready and then Ian and Heather came from Indy and we went to dinner and karaoke again! I had a lot of fun singing last night. When I got home I was hyper for some reason and stayed up until almost 4am, resistant to even multiple doses of medication.... So today I slept until almost 1:00. I did some productive things today: cut and froze all the peppers I had picked from the garden when we had a frost warning, made one good meal, finished up the laundry I had started yesterday, cut some coupons, decided on the items and sent out invitations to the roadside stand/ website launch party...watched a couple of episodes of "The Office" read a couple of chapters, paid some bills online, etc....

I kind of cheated on my list-free Sunday rule. When I made my list on Saturday I made a "weekend list" instead of a Saturday list. I didn't get near everything completed, but I'm not kicking myself, however. I feel fine about what I did and didn't do. I definitely need to get my ass moving on the bathroom completion, however. I feel a little uncomfortable hosting a three hour party with only one working bathroom, but if it is, it is.

I have a bunch of pictures in my camera I would like to download and share, but for some reason that seems overwhelming. I have a bunch from Heather's birthday party I said I would put on Facebook and it's been about two weeks and I still haven't done it. I also have some amazing pictures from that Pink Floyd Cover band concert I went to and I'd like to post a couple of them.

Tomorrow I am skipping dance class again. I have a date for dinner with Judy from work. I knew Judy LONG before we worked at the H-T. When I was pregnant with Emily I worked with Judy's daughter Susan at Kmart. I lived with them for a while waiting for Emily and took Emily home from the hospital to their house! I stayed there until my apartment was ready and I could move in. Judy and Susan's kindness to me is one reason I always try to "pay it forward" and have provided housing to so may people over the years whenever I could. This current experience is turning out not so well and I am quite disappointed and upset about it. Maybe it is because it wasn't pure kindness, but I expected website building in exchange and it is my bad Karma for not extending the offer purely from the goodness of my heart like I usually have. Sigh. I need it to be over soon, though. I don't like this feeling of being uncomfortable in my own home and feeling on guard all the time. It reminds me too much of my marriage to an abuser. Must. End. Soon.

Details not revealed intentionally for privacy reasons, but I will reassure you all that it is merely some disappointed expectations and issues of passive-aggressive behaviors and I am in no danger except that of being exhausted and frustrated. I think it has started to evidence a little with the physical symptoms I was exhibiting with the Mom and Dad stress - the frozen and stiff shoulder muscles and the headaches. There is a time-line established for the moving out period, however, and I hope that with that in mind I will be able to avoid getting to the point where the stress exhibits itself physically very strongly.

Well, I think I am going to go search from something to watch and then be calm the rest of the night, even if it takes meds again. I need to make it through a week of work and after tomorrow night be ready to hit those dance classes full-on again!

Website Update

Date of the actual launch has been changed to Oct. 23 because I am going to babysit a friend on the 16th who will have had surgery on the 15th.

I's looking cool and I'm pretty excited. So are y'all coming from all over the country? I might need to reserve a block of hotel rooms!