BOT Report 7-29-10

Bad news: Awakened with head/neckache still in serious condition.
Good news: was able to get to work and function well most of the time.

Bad news: Left ankle still swollen, ugh, plus neck pain made every step painful.
Good news: Still got in some movement today - swam again (breast stroke only - no neck rotation) and completed 100 meters more than last time.

Bad news: forgot to pay the water bill and the water was shut off!
Good news: Tomorrow is pay day and I can get it fixed first thing in the morning (Plus I showered after swimming tonight.)

Bad news: It's pretty late and I should be going to bed.
Good news: There's no water so I don't have to worry about leaving dirty dishes! :)

So really - I am going to have a snack, take my night time meds and go to bed with an icepack on my neck. I wish my bedroom TV hadn't blown up last week. It was always one of my insomnia fixers. My mind is racing quite a bit tonight so I am afraid I will have trouble settling down.

BOT Report 7-28-10

TERRIBLE morning. I awakened and literally could hardly lift my head off the pillow. I rolled over enough to reach the phone and called the boss to say I was definitely going to be late, that I would try to get up and take a shower and see if that loosened my neck and then try to get in to the dr. I did manage to get a shower and it helped a little, but NOT a lot. I called and Dr. Karin had an appt in about half an hour. I managed to get there - driving is not so fun or easy when you can hardly turn your neck to look both ways. She worked on me for a long time - maybe forty minutes altogether. I cried a lot while she worked on me so I had more mental therapy too! I managed to get something to eat, take some medicine, get to work and make it through the day - I felt quite productive too.

After work I came home and ate some food and the Garet came over and we spent some quality time together. I talked on the phone to Whryne for a while. I ate the protein portion of my dinner. Michael came home and I have been relaxing and now I am only going to be a LITTLE productive and get to bed before midnight!

So the back on track good portions were:
I went to the doctor when I needed, was totally honest and got help.
I ate mostly whole foods, including bunches of grape tomatoes straight from the garden.
I spent social time with both BF and Girlfriend.
I had a nice talk with Michael tonight and he used a lot of words I don't understand so he must have enjoyed it too.
Did some relaxing activity on computer and may still try to watch or read something relaxing and entertaining.

Bad portions were:
The ONE fast food meal I ate in between doctor and work.
Didn't drink enough water.
Still had to take quite a bit of medications.
Didn't really do any significant movement, but when your head and neck hurt so bad it feels like it is jarring to take a freaking step, what're ya gonna do? (I know - swim, but I thought it was going to storm)

BOT Report 7-27-10

Neck pain - yep.
Head pain - yep.
Emotional outbursts - yep. (NOT at work)
nap during lunch - yep.
nap after work - yep.
Medication - yep -
Trip to county Fair with VERY tolerant and patient boyfriend - yep.
Favorite Fair food (taco salad) consumed - yep
Got to see lop-eared bunnies and roosters with pretty feathers - yep.
Physical activity walking around fair - yep
Negated physical activity with ice cream cone - yep.

Still working on it all. Still working.

In addition to the FB note.

Heather is VERY ANGRY with me. I think I half deserve it, but I think we have both misinterpreted some communication as well.
Mom really DID break her arm while I was in Lafayette this weekend and I blew it off because it wasn't bruised.
I am not going to the family reunion Saturday because I can't face my cousins in this condition and I know I will just cry constantly, especially now that I am the one who "ignored" Mom's broken arm!
I cried and cried tonight and Garet put up with me. He says we will do something so fun that I won't even think about the reunion on Saturday. We might take Michael and drop him off and then go explore somewhere. PLEASE let his work schedule really let this happen - Deb this is important enough for a candle in my book. Is it kosher to ASK for candles?

I feel all cried out or I feel like I could cry all night long. Michael took my clean clothes out of the dryer and just dumped them on my bed. When everybody brings laundry to my house to do, why do I always take it out of the dryer, fold or hang it and put it nicely somewhere? Yet when anybody takes my stuff out of the dryer it just gets dumped and ruined. I swear the pile of the laundry on the bed was about ten minutes of the crying and could be about 10 minutes more when I think of the fact that I now have to deal with it before I can go to bed. I makes me want to escape to the world of Facebook mindless games until anti-psychotic medications make me fall unconscious to the floor.

Back on Track Report 7-24 - 7-26

Back on Track Report 7-24 - 7-26

First I think it is time for a reminder of the components of get Back on track:

1) Learn to balance my goals of movement with learning to listen to my body and STOP when the pain says to stop.
2) Get compulsive eating habits under control and eat more whole foods
3) Develop relationships with balance between helping my friends and family, yet meeting my own needs and requesting and accepting help to do so when necessary.
4) Read more books again
5) Begin to write daily again - even a short minimum
6) Get finances under control and set priorities with specific goals to manage them.
7) Maintain the house, car and gardens at an acceptable level without harming my physical health - require Michael's help to do so.
8) Make a decision about the business and then either do it or DON'T do it.
9) Cleanse my life of unnecessary physical objects - keep only what is treasured, valued, honored, loved and used.
10) Get my social life back to a comfortable point, including hosting parties and other gatherings.

And here's some good and some bad:
I let Kathy treat me to a massage where she really worked on my head, neck and shoulders where they have been sore. I also graciously and gratefully accepted her gift of some arnica ointment and an herbal pack for my neck. Thank you Kathy - those were all good moves toward #3.

When I arrived in Lafayette I explained my physical and emotional problems I have been experiencing to my friends and asked for their support and a little spoiling. Again- gratefully received. I'm liking #3.

Sunday when most people took off for the park and zoo I could tell it would make me physically miserable because of the heat and the swelling I have had in my left foot. I LISTENED to my body and stayed at Kim's house and napped with elevated feet. I went for a walk during the night when it was cooler, I was able to go my own pace and so I was able to still get some movement in, without causing more pain. A step toward #1.

Eating - well I ate compulsively and excessively all weekend. Way too many carbs and calories in general. I am sure it was motivated by the fact that I am still quite upset about the situation with my parents and their house, some conflict with my sister, some worries about Michael...I could tell it was all completely emotional eating, but I just sunk into it and enjoyed every bite! I am going to have to go back to counting carbs and increasing my fiber and protein. A food log (again) may be part of this.

I didn't read or write this weekend. I give myself a break on that. This was unusual.

#10 THE BEST!!! Spent time with Kim, Lu , Susan, Karmin AND got to meet up with Erin and her family for breakfast. Met Lu's husband for the first time and they have been married seven years. It also felt so reassuring to see Lu looking so good after last year's heart surgery. She was vibrant and energetic and HAPPY.

I still cried a lot. Every time someone would ask about Mom and Dad I would lose it. Today I was hardly functioning. Lu and Susan came and nursed me through it - it's great to have friends who are mental health professionals. Karmin joined us for lunch and she has been through a lot of family changes that were/are quite traumatic and she was also so supportive. Lu also came ON HER VACATION TIME and helped me do a couple of tasks about which I felt extreme pressure at the house and the apartment.

I made a decision that I cannot go back to Lafayette again, no matter what is or is not done in the house or apartment until I am better, at least emotionally, and maybe physically too. I am sure the conditions are aggravating each other, that's how it all works. Even the food and comfort/compulsive eating - insulin is a hormone - it's all connected. Even if I have to skip the family reunion next weekend and have Michael hitch a ride up with someone as they head up north that will have to be. I have a lot of pictures and documents I would like to share at the reunion. Michael could take them and make sure they get home safely. I would feel sad to miss it, but it wouldn't do me any good to go up there and sit and cry all day in front of my cousins, would it? Unless there are some kind of massive changes in my mental and physical health through the week, that is all it would be. I won't allow that to happen.

BOT report 7-23-10

Survived work. I actually felt a little more like my real self at work today. I still had quite a bit of head pain and the neck thing going, but it was either reduced or I was more emotionally and mentally equipped to handle it and stay focused. I still had to take medicine, but nothing prescription, just regular acetaminophen and ibuprofen.

Garet and I were supposed to go out tonight, but he had a shoot that lasted until after 8:30 , and then he wasn't feeling very well. I felt well enough that Debbie and I went out to the World Famous Office Lounge for karaoke and I even sang. Ummm... I must admit by this time I was on the prescription stuff and it does tend to make me a little more... relaxed! Nah - I always sing when I go - no stage fright for me anymore. I don't give a poop what anybody thinks. I'm there for the fun!

So now I have been throwing some things in bags and boxes to be prepared for a three day weekend:

Saturday - massage at 8:30 am - I HAVE to get this neck loosened up! then leave for Lafayette, hope to arrive around noon - should coincide with Lu's arrival, Arni's. After that I don't know. I might ask Kim or Susan for an air conditioned place to take a nap!
Dinner I think is cook out at Kim's I talked a little about contributing, but haven't made anything... I will just have to see how I feel. Maybe if there are a million red grape tomatoes on my plants when I leave in the morning I will make a harvest before I go.
Saturday evening we talked about kicking Lu's family out of the hotel room and we girls would overtake it for a slumber party. I'm not sure if that is still happening or not. If not, somebody will have to put me up for the night!

Sunday, I don't have a clue. All I know is if it is fun and relaxing I am doing it. Anything that sounds hard gets crossed off my list! Lu is a frequent walker. I'd better take my walking shoes and be ready.

Monday Lu leaves, then I am going to work on Mom and Dad's house some more and see if I can get another part ready for showing. Also, I am sure Mom and Dad need help in the apartment... they didn't instantly learn housekeeping skills when they moved, nor did their health instantly improve.

I plan to leave late afternoon Monday. I have to drive to Greenfield to retrieve Michael from his Dad's, then back to Bloomington. It ends up being a long trip when it's all at once.

So I am ON TRACK for fun, relaxation and rest. I swear if I feel like I need to I am going to please ask everybody to spoil me and make no demands. These women have known me long enough to know I wouldn't ask if I really didn't need it and they love me enough to do the spoiling if necessary!

Monday will be my work day, but I hope to have had enough rest to be ready for it.

Well, I'd better get to bed. A massage appt in 6 hours and then a two hour drive immediate following means I need to be able to stay awake!

Have I mentioned that I really like Aerosmith?

Editing to add - I will pass on the thoughts and well-wishes from everybody. Lu is a lost cause, but maybe I can get Kim or Susan on Facebook.

BOT Report 7-22-10

Neck still stiff, but I had one time I turned my head and realized I didn't turn my shoulders along with it! Maybe one pain-free moment will lead to others. The regular part of the headache was still very naggy today. It hurt so bad this morning I was trying to have a little teeny conversation with Gillian about fund raising for extracurricular activities and thinking of THAT combined with the headache made me get teary eyed! Very silly.

Garet and Michael and I went to an IU orchestra concert tonight. They played two Wagners, something else I don't recall and a Strauss. I normally claim to hate Wagner, but the first one they did had this part near the beginning where the violins kept repeating variations on these runs and there was a counter melody over it and it was very beautiful. The Strauss had this amazing fortissimo part at the end that was powerful and took my breath away. I also saw a couple of people I hadn't seen for years and that was welcome.

I have been a good mix of restful and productive since coming home. I feel better today emotionally - a little more balanced. I am SO looking forward to the weekend when I get to see my friends from High school - heck JUNIOR high school. A couple of them I met at the Girl Scout 6th grade camporee, before we even went to the same school. I should take my photo albums, maybe, but I hate to take up car space when I may also be doing delivering of Mom and Dad stuff places... hmmm... maybe THIS is one of the times I need to put MY desires first!

License plates were able to be renewed today. One financial burden taken care of for another 364 days or so.

All in all, I don't feel quite so derailed as I did yesterday. I think because I had a little pain-free moment, did something enjoyable with my two favorite men, got one financial thing accomplished and I have something amazing to look forward to for the weekend.

Definitely more centered, definitely more optimistic and definitely tired and need to get my butt in bed!

BOT report 7-21-10

Derailed.

Made it through work with neither tears nor violence.

Went back to chiropractor.

Came home to binge eat, take drugs and feel guilty and irritable.

I'm going to go brush my teeth so I will stop eating, going to drink more water, going to take a few more drugs (medications!), and try to function just a little bit more, yet not become obsessed with anything and stay up too late.

Let's see what happens.

BOT report 7-20-10

Went to Bloomington Kitchen Incubator meeting tonight. Toured the new commercial kitchen. This will help me decide to continue working as a Home Based Vendor, go commercial or stop. I found out there may be ways to work at home AND go commercial - register TWO business names, then I could accept both kinds of jobs and have more outlets for selling. Home-based you are only legally able to sell at Farmers' Market and at roadside stands.

I need to get more movement tonight. My neck is still stiff, but I ought to be able to do some in-home walking or movement with a DVD and be careful.

I talked to Mom and Chris did get the box springs over to the apartment and the bed set up so I feel better about that.

King of Anything - Sara Bareilles

Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe.

I heard this while driving home from the car wash tonight and it took my breath away. I think this is what my "Getting Back on Track" program is all about: no more hurting, hiding, fixing everybody else. I need to fix myself.

Amber offered money tonight and I HATE taking money from people, but I have accepted with gratitude when offered. I think I need to accept this offer with gratitude. With the license plates due, the want/need to see Dr. Karin and a car insurance issue I haven't even mentioned, there is a chance I could not make it to Lafayette this weekend if I don't accept it. AND this weekend is the see Lu and try to see Erin weekend, NOT just a go and be a slave weekend. I have probably spent hundreds of dollars on driving to Lafayette every weekend to be the slave. I would have the money for the fun weekend if I hadn't done that. I am going to email Amber right now and say yes, with gratitude.

Back on track report 7 - 19.

Good - I took a nap when I felt like it, but it made me miss time with Michael which was sad.

Good - I took a rug to the car wash and washed it with the pressure sprayer- part of the car revitalization project. I am going to pull out the old, nasty trunk liner and trace it and cut this rug, bind the edges with packing tape and have a nice trunk liner.

Bad - still have a stiff neck. I am starting to think it is stress induced. I may try to get back to Dr. Karin tomorrow.

Badder - license plates expire on 7-21. I need to do math to figure if I can afford to renew in time AND to see if I can see Dr. Karin. If I only afford one, does health take a priority and the risk of getting a ticket be damned?

Back on Track Report for 7-18.

I am more convinced than ever that you can't depend on most people to do what they say and that asking for assistance is all for naught. It's better to just go into a task with the understanding that you will have to do it all yourself and then you also don't run the the risk of becoming angry and disappointed by the actions or non-actions of others.

Thank you to my cousin Jennie, however, for her generous offer of a box springs so we can get proper beds and furniture arranged in Mom and Dad's apartment.

How's that for bitter and twisted?

Back on Track Report 7-17

While staying home today I took a load to Opportunity House that included not just some of Mom and Dad's stuff, but some stuff that has been piled in my garage needing to go for quite a while.

Also worked on the car some more - I have been working on the interior little by little lately. I started cleaning the spots on the upholstery that really bother me.

Checked on Debbie's kitties because she is in Florida so I did have a little community/friend service in there.

Karaoke tonight. One of my best and favorite songs to sing has always been "What's Love Got to Do With It?" I may need to find a different song to sing with Garet there!

Last night's list:

1) Learn to balance my goals of movement with learning to listen to my body and STOP when the pain says to stop.
2) Get compulsive eating habits under control and eat more whole foods
3) Develop relationships with balance between helping my friends and family, yet meeting my own needs and requesting and accepting help to do so when necessary.
4) Read more books again
5) Begin to write daily again - even a short minimum
6) Get finances under control and set priorities with specific goals to manage them.
7) Maintain the house, car and gardens at an acceptable level without harming my physical health - require Michael's help to do so.
8) Make a decision about the business and then either do it or DON'T do it.
9) Cleanse my life of unnecessary physical objects - keep only what is treasured, valued, honored, loved and used.
10) Get my social life back to a comfortable point, including hosting parties and other gatherings.

Positive thing today toward #10 - trying to get a group together for karaoke tomorrow night and told Garet I want him to go.
#4 Read 2 chapters of current book.
#6 began examining bills to see how deeply in trouble I really am.

Bad thing: Mowed yard even though I probably shouldn't have. I have had a stiff neck off and on all day, mostly on, unless medicated. Mowing in 90 degree heat, even though good exercise doesn't seem like a sensible thing to do. I have decided that if I awaken with even a smidgen of a headache or neckache tomorrow that I am not going to go volunteer at the rest station for the RAIN bike ride. I hate to be a wimp, but I need to take care of my physical health more, and it will be more of a priority to preserve it for helping in my own home, for Mom and Dad and for karaoke! :)

To be fair

to the Un- Facebookers - a "note" I posted tonight.

Things I need to do to feel like my life is back on track where I want it to be.

1) Learn to balance my goals of movement with learning to listen to my body and STOP when the pain says to stop.
2) Get compulsive eating habits under control and eat more whole foods
3) Develop relationships with balance between helping my friends and family, yet meeting my own needs and requesting and accepting help to do so when necessary.
4) Read more books again
5) Begin to write daily again - even a short minimum
6) Get finances under control and set priorities with specific goals to manage them.
7) Maintain the house, car and gardens at an acceptable level without harming my physical health - require Michael's help to do so.
8) Make a decision about the business and then either do it or DON'T do it.
9) Cleanse my life of unnecessary physical objects - keep only what is treasured, valued, honored, loved and used.
10) Get my social life back to a comfortable point, including hosting parties and other gatherings.

In addition I need to get my sleep back in order and quit staying up so damn late!

Le Sigh...

I went to Dr. Karin last night after work and we talked about why the headaches are returning both in frequency and intensity. Possibilities are: new diuretic, chlorine from swimming, using long unused muscles in swimming, and of course, everybody's favorite - STRESS.

Garet and I were supposed to swim last night. I was supposed to do breast stroke only - if I had a headache today it was the chlorine - no headache meant some certain muscle that is used more in the rotation or freestyle, which I tried to do a lot of last time because it is a better cardio workout. The pool was pretty crowded, however, and Garet is really self-conscious about his (lack of) swimming skills, so we went to Target instead. I need to start acquiring little by little and as cheaply as possible what Michael might need for dorm life. Emily and I honestly worked on it ALL summer before she went and not it's only a month or so away for Michael. he moves in on August 25. It will help that he is right here in town, though. It won't be hard to wait until clearance sales and thrift shop shopping can be done. If I find something I can just get it to him.

I was in a bitchy and whiny mood last night. I feel sorry for Garet for putting up with me. I am still trying to figure out how and if our relationship is working. I stated very strongly last night. "I really want to go to karaoke Saturday night and I really want you to go with me." He has NEVER come to karaoke with me! It's such a fun part of my life and we haven't shared it. I also want him to meet some more of my friends and see how he interacts with them. I sent FB invites to some of my pals and I hope at least a couple can come because I feel like this is a landmark event. I need to see if Garet is willing to do what I want to do on occasion. I have always deferred to his desires, which is not really the way I function - I think most of you know that. I want to be with him, but I don't want to give up my regular life and friends for him. It's ALL important. It would probably be easier if we had normal schedules, but we don't. I still think we need a way to work out time together, time with friends, time alone that is well-balanced. Imagine! I have one more thing in my life in which to seek balance! haha!

My head was better today until the end of the afternoon, then I really started feeling tension in my neck that was painful. I took a couple of Mother's Little Helpers and then when I got home from work I lay down and slept for a while in front of a fan. It's miserably hot and humid, which adds to the stress, I think. When I get home I feel like I should mow and work on the yard, but it is too hot! I'm not willing to die for an immaculate lawn, although it is tempting. At my celebration of life all my neighbors could praise my purple door and my tomato jungle and say what beauty I added to the cul-de-sac!

Okay, I have a list tonight I have scarcely looked at and some of it is important, like making sure the utilities are not close to being cut off... better start with those!

What's good for the goose...

is good for the other silly goose too!

I have spent so much time working on Mom and Dad's house that it is painful. I keep telling my mom things like, "You are a household of only TWO people, you don't need FIVE skillets." I had/have a TERRIBLE stay-home-from-work headache today. I was really frustrated because when I DID feel like eating my kitchen was so full of dirty dishes that it was difficult to prepare anything. So when I had a few good moments today when medication was helping and I was awake I worked on the kitchen. I decided that I am going to store MANY of our extra dishes and pans, etc. in the garage only to be used in case of party. I do like to use REAL dishes at parties, especially holidays. Paper plates are a travesty, only to be used for certain mental health reasons occasionally and sometimes (but seldom) for convenience. I have a thing about having 12 place settings available so I can have a party and use real plates. I realized, however, that I do not need to have them out all the time! I am going to keep out a FEW (I think 6) place settings and everything else will be packed and safely stored in the garage. Six is enough for a dinner with a couple of guests and to use a couple to serve. If I find that there are still dirty dishes all over all the time, I will reduce it even MORE. Only four coffee cups stay out, only six dessert plates, only 6 bowls. It still seems like it might be too many and I ought to go down to four, but we'll try this for a couple of weeks and if I am still frustrated I will do additional reductions.

I actually relaxed today. I was able to take only regular OTC meds and no narcotics and survived. I still feel pretty shitty in reality, and I am worried about returning to work tomorrow. I may have to stay medicated there to be able to survive. That's what I did last week however, and by Friday I was in so much pain I cried almost every time I tried to talk. I was only able to fake it a couple of times. I don't know if I wrote about that or not.

I watched a lot of Glee on Hulu today and propped up my swollen foot to try to drain it. I am wondering if it is the new diuretic that is making the headaches increase in intensity so badly. The timing seems to coincide. The new pill doesn't even seem to be helping any more than the old kind. I took a picture last week of my swollen ankle, but haven't downloaded it yet - maybe tomorrow. It's funny the ankle that I sprained so badly has only the one bump that still swells, the OTHER side is more swollen all the way down to the toes! It is so bad I call it "muppet foot." I used to say that when both my feet swelled so badly - now it's only one side. Even when I exercise and do ankle circles when I'm sitting and stretch and try to rub for good circulation - all no help. It's so swollen the skin is tight and it hurts. That's one good thing about swimming, no pressure on that foot. The bad thing about swimming is that because I mostly breast stroke the ankle rotation during the kick (which I do with perfect, symmetrical form, thank you Bill Roach) will make the sprained ankle side sore afterward.

It's getting late and I am definitely aiming for much more sleep tonight than I have been getting. Even with the sleep today I know my body needs it or the headache will be even worse tomorrow. I will probably take meds to sleep tonight so that I know I won't lie abed and stew about things. There is too much going on that I am stressed, as you know, and I am a GREAT stewer!

So goodnight.

Bananas...

Going bananas and nuts again. Last weekend was successful and Mom and Dad are living in the apartment. There is still A LOT to do, however so it is back up again on Sunday this week.

Michael is driving me crazy.

I have had a headache for about a week and a half which hit its peak on Friday and I had to leave work because I couldn't talk without crying. Of course I still went to Lafayette and put in a ten or eleven hour day Saturday (with A LOT of drugs.)

I feel inadequate in every way and either worried, disappointed or angry at almost everybody in my life. NOW I deserve that "negative energy" description!

Swam again...

Second week in a row to do yoga on Tuesday and swim on Thursday. Sanity and health keeping this week have included: Monday mowing, Tuesday yoga, Wednesday Buffalo Sisters Gift Circle, Thursday swimming. Tomorrow I want to have a nice dinner with Michael, get all the dishes washed and then I am going to go to Garet's and we are going to watch a movie.

Saturday is PROBABLY back up to Lafayette. I think Mom will be able to get the keys for the apartment tomorrow. Chris has a pickup, so if we can only get a few strong backs to get a couple of loads of the basics over to the apartment Mom and Dad can start living there and they will be safer and in a cleaner environment. Michael will need to go to his dad's this weekend so I don't think I can count on him for a strong back and Chris has a pinched nerve and can't lift anything... I have tried to contact a few church people and nobody calls me back. That kind of pisses me off, even though I realize it is summer, they live in a university town, and it is really even a holiday week when lots of people take vacations. I just need the help so desperately. It's hard for me to ask in the first place and then when I get no response it is frustrating.

If Michael is at his dad's I may stay all night and work on Sunday too. Garet has to work all weekend so he can't come help. I know he would if he could. SOMEBODY has to take pictures for that silly newspaper, though!

It's too late to be doing this and I need to stop and get my butt in bed - dirty dishes be damned. Michael can do a bunch tomorrow.

Holiday.

I think I have already done my celebrating. Michael and I were supposed to go to Bedford (Garet's town) to see fireworks and Michael hasn't returned home from wherever he is. I don't think I want to go alone. Garet will be shooting the event and won't really be able to spend time with me.

I may just call Garet, leave Michael a note and go to the car wash to vacuum the car. I hate how dirty it is! If either one of them really want me he can call and summon me!

I'm in a grumpy mood. Dealing with Mom and Dad on Friday was frustrating, to put it mildly.

I spent time with Garet last night and began to feel like it is another relationship where I am expected to put somebody else's needs above my own all the time. I may have simply been too tired for it to be a good night no matter what had happened, but I am still a little bitter today. I have already made moves toward relationship sabotage, which is very dangerous. I have some real decisions to make about the future. I'm sick with myself about it.