I am stable.

With the advent of my new roommate, who is really here now, I've realized that in so many cases I. am. the. stable. one. Basically, I find it terrifying. From the very beginning of owning this house (or co-owning it with the mortgage company) I have wanted to be able to use it to help people. I came across that fact because several times in MY life I have been the one needing stability, caring and physical shelter. I stayed with friends when I moved out of Mom and Dad's. I stayed with friends a couple of times when I was a college student at Purdue. I stayed with friends in Bloomington when I was fired from the nanny job. I stayed with friends when I needed to move away from the abusive roommate. I stayed in an actual women's shelter when I left Ed. Maybe more times than I recall. Since I've had the house I've had, Macia, Heather, Deanna and children, Whryne, Ben, Katie, Debby, and maybe some more I don't recall. Some of them worked out great, some, well.... This is the first time I ever wrote up an agreement with a monetary amount mentioned. That was actually at Eric's request so he can try to get his license changed to an Indiana license and to prove to the court that he is a responsible renter. He had his first hearing yesterday and gets Eli tomorrow for the first week. That will probably be the agreement (weekly shared custody) until June 26, when there is another hearing and Eric will try to get to be able to take Eli out of state.

Why does this mundane stuff matter? Why will this post be take from the "mundane" status to "Strange Stuff?" Because WHAT THE HELL? When did I become the stable one? I still feel like a wreck, like a little child trapped in an adult body. I don't know how I am able to pull my act together and maintain a home, a job, and a little home business. Seriously, I feel some days like I need to go to the hospital for a good rest. The financial burden is the hardest part. I swear I could swing it all effortlessly if somebody else would manage my money. Well, that's never going to happen so I need to pull my internal guts together to match the external appearance of stability.

In other news. Heather and I are going to West Lafayette tomorrow to tour the Indiana Veteran's Home and see if we think it is a good place for Dad. I have to leave here about 6:00 in the morning. Yeah. If anybody feels like calling me at 6 am, please do it! It will help make sure I am awake.

Notes for the day...

It's raining and I hope the reason that I hear water running is because the roof is repaired, and the gutters are repaired and cleaned and not something bad..

I just swam 1000 meters for the first time for the last time. Get it?

I am going to meet a guy IRL from the internet date tomorrow night. He's been nice in messaging and on the phone a little bit, but he just called me "Hon" and I am already tired of telling him where I am. I think proving possibly, that I really am an unreasonable bitch. If he didn't care, I'd probably think he didn't really like me! :)

There's a Kitchen Aid mixer at an auction tomorrow and I am going to see how much money I have in both business and personal and try to get it, I think. Mike, the auctioneer, says it is in really good shape.

I will return and report on all of the above.

I should find my list of desirable qualities in a man and look at it again.

Reminder...

Events this week have reminded me that I need to be grateful every day. Someone I know AND HER BOYFRIEND were hit by a bus. They are both in medically induced comas and nobody knows if they will have any life or brain activity until after their brain swelling goes down. Their (well hers, I don't know his) children, Emily and Michael's ages, have gone to be there, waiting. Then a meteor falls on Russia and over a thousand people are treated for all the breaking glass exploding on them ? What the heck? I read a novel about such a happening called "Lucifer's Hammer," Also there was a movie last year "Melancholia" about a family waiting for an event like that. I'm trying to be healthy in my eating and getting more movement, assuming it will lead to a longer and healthier life bit there is no guarantee. Ever.

Today was a grateful day, as far as that goes. I was awakened very early (5am) by a headache that needed medicating. I stayed up for several hours, but in my bed, playing on my mobile electronic device. (not that bad of a headache or I couldn't have looked at a screen, so there's the level). Jessica Sobiescki (not sure if there are enough consonants in there) posted on FB that she needed a sewing machine to complete a project. So even though I stayed in today, cooking and eating and resting the headache I had company for a while because Jessi Kalli, as she has called herself since her recent return from India, came over and finished her T-shirt quilt she is making for Justinian. I was able to chat with her and it felt so good. Having THINGS is better when I am able to share them and to use them to help other people. I recall that being one thing that I enjoyed about getting a house. Now I have had Macia, Deanna and children, Katie, Ben, Deb, Whryne, Heather...maybe some others that I don't recall! who have all stayed here at one time or another because of different situations. Some of those arrangements worked out perfectly, others ended not so well, but with any ending I am glad I had it to offer and share. Now I'm still waiting to see if Eric ever actually comes. I guess the custody thing with little son is taking some working out. Lawyers are good and bad sometimes!

So mellow tonight. Yeah. I'm going to go drink some more water which should help keep this head feeling better and play a little more.

TTFN.

Grumpface snorthog.

That's what my friend Eve used to say, back in the days. I think that is a generally good summary of my feelings of late.

I feel like I was supposed to have certain things figured out by the time I became this age, finances, relationships, career, yet I feel like I am still a little girl inside and all those things are far, far away.

Today was a weenie day for sure. I have never really been bummed by Valentine's Day very much, but it kind of hit me hard today. I think it is probably because I was really, really tired. I stayed up until after 1am doing chocolates, even though, get this, I only got an order for one dozen. I messed up shaping the fillings the first time so I had to melt them and do them all over again so it took forever.

I actually had an option to go out and dance to good klezmer music tonight, but I came home after work and went to bed and didn't get up until after 7. I gave myself license to eat what I wanted without even recording it. I finished making some ribs that I had started the other night and I've eaten ribs and a baked potato and TWO glasses of milk. I. am. full. I wish I could leave the dishes and go take a long bath and then go to bed, but I know I'd regret it tomorrow. I guess I haven't abandoned all my sensibilities yet. :)

Feb 13 12:02 am

So this is my test to see if I can type well enough on this decrepit, but free, laptop. So far, so good, but a little clumsy, A change in position might help that.

I was feeling really despairing a little bit ago. I'm really fed up with paperwork stuff and just can't keep on top of it. I sent a message to Jeff...okay I wanted to copy and paste FB conversation here and couldn't mnage that's one drawback,

In th end, it boiled down to I didn't feel supported, BUT I know in my heart that I cannot look to Jeff for that kind of support. He is somebody else's husband, and the relaionship we had thirty years ago is long past. Sad to lose that, even though I know life goes on.

I am also feeling terrible about not havin proper attire for th pool right now. I went online and ordered some bike short length bottoms that should correct my modesty and comfrt issues. My belly is really fat and my legs are thin. To get a suit to fit my fat belly leaves gaps in a very personal place, I cab't wait to get them. I may go so far as to wear my little swim skirt until I get the new ones, and even though I won't be able to keep it on when I swim laps I will feel better.

Okay, time to hit th sack. Love to my audience!

Going to try...

I am going to try blogging on the laptop Ian got for me. I need to have an option for writing when Eric is using this room. I don't have a Word program on there, but I think I can either open this blog directly or at least go into Yahoo! email and send myself an email that I can post and back date the next day. SO...I have to finish a little bit of paperwork tonight and then I hope to rejoin you later. TTFN

Blogging Every day...

...that I want to! Well. it's a good thing I didn't really sign up for Blog 365 (if it still exists). So many blogs except the professional, commercial blogs have died. I guess I am just glad to have this place to come and write about myself and be all narcissistic and stuff! I imagine that people are reading and are either fascinated or horrified at my life! Maybe when I die someone can read uplifting posts from my blog or something. Hah! Amber started typing Bobby's journal into a blog and then stopped. It's not that it wasn't uplifting. It was just raw in some ways that were pretty personal to her at the time. Maybe it will continue when she really has dealt with all the being raised in a well, a different life than she is choosing as an adult. Yes, this is one time I sort of censored my blog writing because I wanted to use the word "cult" in there, but denied myself, except now I didn't! :)

Great weekend. Stayed home mostly, except for going to a play last night. The script was amazing, but one of the actors (NOT Ian, the guy I know) was so horrible it was distracting. I can't even believe she got a role and I can't believe that the visiting guest artist director couldn't do more with her, Ian was great, even though his character was an asshole!

Cooked all day today and it was great. 2 pounds of beans, most of them frozen for later, cornbread, cupcakes for soup day at work tomorrow. I enjoyed every moment of it. A long afternoon nap, even though I had weird dreams, as usual lately, okay for my whole life, really.

Almost there...

I've been baking bread since I got home (sorta). I made three loaves and they are doing the last little bit of cooling so I can turn them out and put some olive oil on the crust to keep it soft. It smells SO good. It's like self-torture to make yeast bread and not eat gluten! I'm charging $8/loaf though, and I have a couple of people who have said they want to purchase this on a regular basis. It is a blend of wheat and white whole wheat flour, so 100% whole grain, with added whole cornmeal and bulgur kernels. Olive oil, yeast, water and salt. No sugar! I didn't believe it would rise without sugar and really thought the recipe was incorrect. It rises just fine, and it's really quite lovely!

I will deliver this by 9:00 in the morning and then after that I can work on the house and sleep until time to go to the play in the evening. Ian Martin, (I have to put his name so I can prove I knew him when) has a good role in a play called "Intimate Apparel." It's gotten some good reviews and I am anxious to see my former castmate in TKAM (He played Tom Robinson) in another show.

I've been fighting a nagging, but not severe, headache for almost a couple of weeks now. I am sure it is sinus pressure because the temps have been going up and down here and the NE coast is getting some major snow now so it is all related. I look forward to sleeping tonight!

Sleee-eep....

I need sleep. I've had two bad nights in a row and that is almost more than I can take these days. I was so tired at work this afternoon I wanted to leave. I stuck it out, however AND even made it to the class part of the Y. I didn't stay and swim laps, however. We did some slow core strength work at the end and I got cold.  I just felt like I would freeze to death if I stayed in the pool. I went up and took a shower and for once, than goodness, the water was hot. Yay! I talked to a couple of other women in the locker room and they told me the showers at the other end are warmer so from now on they are going to have to fight me for them. Naked shower fight at the Y....

Yikes.

I'm so frustrated trying to get my eating under control. I know I can do it. Why am I afraid?

Well finally.

Eric came over and started doing the stuff to get the rooms ready for him and Eli. He decided Michael's room will be better for Eli so he started working in there. I was a little freaked out because there is stuff in there I haven't touched  - like fossils Michael found and science stuff. Eric was pretty cavalier about putting stuff in boxes to go to the garage. Michael called and said he was going to come over and I asked Eric to go ahead and hang the blind. I think he could tell I was freaking a little bit maybe because then he said he would Go away and let Michael sort some stuff. So Michael has been here tonight  and it has been nice. We've listened to some music and chatted and ate. I made some cookies for him to take back to share at Ghosthouse with the heroic roomates who took him to the hospital last week.

I've had a really relaxed day for the most part. I wish every day could be like this, only with maybe three hours of productive writing thrown in. I am looking forward to starting a new week and working more on getting my shot sorted out for this room to be ready for Eric to stay. I'm trying to figure out how I can blog daily or near daily without having to invade his space. I have a laptop that Ian (Heather's boyfriend) rescued from a dumpster for me. It's not fully functional, but I might be able to write to myself as emails and then actually post stuff to the blog once a week or something. We'll see.

Feeling really good to have spent this time with Michael and also resting today. I'm also tired from the sinus headache and now I took Sudafed and I need to go to sleep soon. 

The Truman Show

Bloomington Playwrights Project did a musical adaptation of The Truman Show - remember the movie with Jim Carrey in what I think was his first non-comedy acting role? I liked the movie and I really liked the show tonight. I was really curious about how it could be adapted and was surprised and pleased at the result. The chorus had some great numbers and they all had little roles as the townspeople and such and they were great. One great thing about living in Bloomington is the quality of the performers because of IU. They even have an official Musical Theater major now. Of course it makes it difficult for us "regular people" to get roles in community productions, but it makes it fun to be in the audience! Afterward there was a talkback with the writers and I always love those.

I really wanted to go, but it's a short on cash weekend before payday. I made a post that I'd trade some goods if somebody would buy a ticket for me. Charis, whose kitty I had let live here some over the summer, bought a ticket for me. She had said way back then that she wanted to get a gift for me for letting Ms. Wrigley stay here, but I said no, so this was a nice surprise.

Same-O, Same-O.

Isn't it weird when people say that? I don't even really know what it means. I guess it's ort of like "Same old, Same old, stuff." At least that's what it seems like.

Same-o is that I am tired. There is a new series on Netflix and Kevin Spacey is the lead character and I noticed also an executive producer. He usually does good material. I am looking forward to watching it, but I hate politics. We'll see if it is about the people enough to keep me interested. The West Wing did for at least a couple of years. Kevin's not really that pretty anymore so I won't be watching it for that. I started while I was eating dinner and I've paused it to do this and go put the food away. Then I am going to go curl up in my warm bed and watch the rest!