Goals:

If I perform intentional movement for at least 38 minutes per day for the next two days I will achieve my goal for the month which is 400 minutes for the month - an average of twenty minutes per day , five times per week. Next month I made the same daily average, but it adds up to 440 minutes because March is a longer month. In addition, I made a goal to do my "Stress Relief Yoga" DVD at least twice per week. Five years ago, Seven years ago, whenever it was that I lost the 52 pounds that video was the thing that got me accustomed to taking a little time for myself every day and learning some self care. I hope now that it will reinforce its original lesson and also that I can learn the emotional side of self care as I practice it. Ideally, I would like to move my cardio to the am and do yoga in the pm to help me calm and prepare and get my sleeping back into regular mode. I think that will be a long road, but I need to remember that baby steps will get me there. Part of me can't imagine taking that much time for myself every day, but I know that I used to when I walked an hour or an hour and a half every day, and that was when both children were at home and younger. Surely I ought to be able to do it now.

Still here!

It's a little strange feeling since I haven't had the goal to write every day. I feel like I am slacking, even though I know the other things I am doing with my time are (mostly ) worthy. I guess I have been watching a lot of "Lost" on hulu, but I often do my "intentional movement" while I watch so it does double duty.

I am feeling better in many respects.

I met a very beautiful, kind and intelligent man at lunch the other day. In just our very brief conversation he inspired me to do more self care and to realize that I deserve it. That afternoon as soon as I had time I made an appt. with Dr. Karin. When she worked on me yesterday she really moved some things around and a lot of times places she can't get to move because I can't relax, just wonked right into place. My left leg and foot have been swelling badly again, like the old days, even though I have gone back to the old higher dose of the diuretic. She did some deep work on the places to open of the channels for the lymphatic fluid. It was visibly better when she was done. She said you can't tell how long it will last - could be an hour - could be a week. She gave me some exercises to do to help keep it flowing back up. I am not very good at following those kind of instructions. I need to learn to do that kind of self care too!

Tonight was supposed to be Michael's lesson with Shelley, the classical teacher, but she emailed and said she had to cancel so I contacted Ben and we did what we have been doing. He comes over here and I feed him and they have their lesson. It works out so nicely. I don't have to go anywhere. Ben and Michael get a good dinner. I have motivation to cook, which I have lacked lately, and it just feels really cozy and nice. It's kind of nice to have Beautiful Ben get to know our home and the people we are. Even though I think he's having some kind of mid-life crisis, he's so talented and intelligent he is a nice addition to our lives. He has taught Michael so much musically I am secretly hoping he gives up his mid-life crisis plan to move to Las Vegas and try to make a living playing poker (no kidding). My son has learned so much he sat at the table the other day with his composition and composed music out of his head onto the score paper. I know it's talent in addition, but Ben taught him how to get it out of his head and onto the paper. A little of me can't handle how talented Michael may really be. I'm not sure why it frightens me a little bit.

We have a big weekend ahead of us. Saturday Michael has a workshop about particle physics that culminates this summer with a trip to Fermilab. He has to leave early, however to go to Indianapolis for the State Solo Ensemble competition. Sunday he has a concert with the Bloomington Symphony, where his orchestra plays a couple of songs along with the BSO. Somewhere in there I have to bake cookies for the reception for the concert. I planned some elaborate musical note shaped cookies with a prominently displayed Hope's Homemades card or two, but I think I may have to settle for brownies because of time constraints. Maybe I should make Amber's two-bite brownies and pipe a couple of music notes on each one...except they sure are cute with the swirls of frosting! I bought these teeny peanut butter cups at Trader Joe's last week and I want to make brownies with them inside and then put peanut butter frosting on top, maybe I'll do that. Who knows?

Of course it's too late as usual. I was so content after the nice dinner and listening to the cello lesson and I lay down while Michael ironed his tux shirt and we chatted until I fell asleep, so now I am up too late again. That's my life.

I made it!

I made a full week at work with no time off. I was not on time every day, but I worked a full forty hours. I'm getting closer to fine.

I also was able to speak to people this week more like the normal me. I attended two crucial (well, we thought) school board meetings and spoke twice at one of them. In the end it turned our fruitless as they passed their pitiful, harmful and disgusting budget cuts with total disregard to the public input they had invited. At the first meeting one commenter called the process a "smokescreen" and said they already knew exactly how they were going to vote. At the end of it all I think he was absolutely right. The cuts they made are going to hurt the poorest families and the most alienated and disenfranchised students of our school system the worst and literally affect the educational and physical well being of our community for generations. The elimination of the alternative high school and the Teen Learning Center are horrible tragedies. Although I attended and spoke as a representative of the strings and orchestra programs the educational alternatives for those other students being taken away is much more tragic in my mind. I actually began my speech by noting so.

After the vote Friday night and the meeting adjourned I just looked at Jane and said, "Fried Food and alcohol." So four of us orchestra old-timers went out and consoled ourselves. I even had a frou-frou girly drink and I hardly ever drink more than Diet Coke when I go out. It didn't even taste alcoholic, probably the sugar was the worst thing in it for me!

My headache has been back this weekend. They say we're going to get an ice storm today so if the pressure is changing that would account for it. I plan to leave for Indy much earlier than usual so I can stop at Heather's and drop off some stuff and shop at Trader Joe's before I get Michael.

Speaking of Michael... he beat me to the punch. He sent in his letter and is officially no longer a member of the church. I had planned on doing it a few weeks ago because I was upset that the Ward Clerk whom I had never met had sent me a letter that said "we miss you." ha! How can you miss someone you've never met? I had never quite settled on a letter that satisfied me, however. I had all the addresses and everything around. A couple of weeks ago the Bishop and one of his "cronies" as Michael called him came to visit, uninvited, when in fact, we have asked for no contact. I did not let them in. We were eating dinner and Michael had answered the door and I told him to just tell them I was unavailable and that he did not have to give a reason. Their coming over like that really bothered him and within three days he had written and mailed his letters. So now it's kind of funny. He's out and I am still in! I am not sure why that got a bee in his bonnet the way that it did, but I am glad he feels content with what he did. It will probably upset Heather and maybe some other relatives to read this but remember that if you think an eight year old is mature enough to decide to join the church that an eighteen year old should be considered mature enough to decide to un-join the church, especially one with the intellectual and emotional maturity that Michael demonstrates.

Well I must go take care of some practical matters so I can get on the road when I want. Signing off from my new computer.

Hopiemama

Annual Fried Food Day...

Phew!

Yesterday my friend from HS declared it "Pancake Day" so we had pancakes. We tried buckwheat pancakes for the first time here. We had buckwheat pancakes, cinnamon apples, sausage (for me), and homemade "maple" syrup. I took pictures as Colleen requested, but I can't upload any pics until new computer arrives because I am not installing any new software on Katie's computer.

Today Michael had a snow day and I had already requested a vacation day from work to spend time with a friend. Friend and my plans changed, however, due to the weather, so it was a Michael and Mom day. He spent a lot of time cleaning his room. I spent a lot of time working in the Family room. We have a "snow day" tradition of making fried doughnuts from refrigerator biscuits. We didn't have any canned biscuits because we are eating whole grain stuff now. Michael hiked to the store in 8-10 inches of snow and bought biscuits so we could make doughnuts! So for dinner we had doughnuts and fried sweet potatoes, mushrooms, green peppers, and onion rings with assorted fat-based sauces. I even went online and got the recipe for the zesty onion ring sauce from Burger King and made it. I was the sous chef and made all the sauces, chocolate frosting and the batter. Michael was the fry cook and did all the frying. He fried until he was sick of it and we ran out of batter. We ended up with a plate full of leftover fried foods. Ugh. I stuck it all in a plastic bag and stuck it in the fridge, but I should have just tossed it probably. At least we fried in canola oil, right? The kitchen still smells like grease.

I bought my web domain name today. Now I just have to build a website. I am probably going to wait until the new computer gets here, which will probably be about Friday. It shipped today and was assigned a tracking number. Anonymous sent me the tracking number so I can watch when it is supposed to arrive. Somebody has to sign for it so I am not sure how I am going to work it. Michael may have to skip school. Maybe Debbie's daughter, Leandra, would come hang out that day.

Speaking of gifted computer... Katie is very angry and jealous that somebody gave me a computer. Yes, I have been given a lot in the past year - or rather, Michael and I have been gifted in ways that have benefited us, enabling him to travel to France and Japan and to Nationals for Science Olympiad, etc... We work very hard for those organizations, however, attend MANY fundraisers, serve as spokespeople, (tomorrow I am speaking at the School Board meeting! Yikes) and a lot of things... Michael represents the school well and WINS and LEADS his teams and his orchestra. It makes sense that if benefactors should gift a specific student or teachers and coaches should choose a specific student it be Michael.

Katie was already angry with me because I had asked Steve (former secret crush, IT geek) to try one more time to try to fix my computer in a way that wouldn't mean stealing software. It came to a point with Katie's fix where she said the choice was to either buy a new computer or download the operating system from someone else's disc. I cannot afford a new computer. I used tax refund to pay past due medical bills and buy a new range (I even felt guilty about the oven, but my sister said,"YOUR HOUSE WAS GOING TO BURN DOWN"). I feel like downloading the operating system from someone else's disc was out and out stealing intellectual property and felt really icky about it. Steve said he had one more thing he could try as a last resort...well when Katie found out I had asked him to try that her feelings were hurt and she was very angry. She posted on her Yahoo status, "So, if I whine enough, maybe people will start to buy me things." I was hurt by that, but I thought to myself I should give her a chance to make a joke out of it, so I Instant messaged her, "I guess it can't hurt to try." I got no response. I gave her a day to take it off or to respond with some LOL or humorous reply, but it remained there. I was very hurt by it. I blocked her as able to send messages to me. I sent her an email that said, "You should come pick up your computer today." and I removed her as a friend on FB. It feels so junior high. I didn't ASK Anonymous to go buy me a new computer. I did ask if anybody had a used computer they weren't using and volunteered to pay at least shipping and maybe something for the computer. Katie knows NOTHING about my LONG relationship with Anonymous, about Anonymous's life situation, about maybe some nice things I have done for Anonymous or ANYTHING. And get this, this the very same Katie who lived here RENT FREE last year for three or four months and I nursed through a nervous breakdown through the holidays. This year through the holidays I called to check on her almost every day to make sure there was no recurrence and she often said, "You're the only one who cares enough to check." Now I am hurt, so hurt that I feel like I have to draw a boundary and say, no more Katie right now.

I have had about the hardest four or five months that I have had for about ten years. My physical health had been improving and has regressed a little, I had conflict with my sister over the holidays. I had financial trouble. I had my driver's license suspended and don't even want to say how much it cost to get it reinstated. My business lost so much money the first year because of startup and organizational costs. I have been in despair over such matters so deeply as to wonder whether I am in medical/clinical depression rather than just situational and need serious, heavy medication, a leave from work or something and this "friend" can't be happy for me because another friend helps me out? WTF?

Immediately after I sent the come pick up your computer email I turned off the computer and sort of said to myself I am not using it again. I will just go without until the new computer arrives. The next day I went back on it and decided why punish myself because she hadn't come. If she doesn't come get it by the time the new computer gets here I will just load it in the car and take it to her house and hand it over. I told Michael every time he works on his Latin project that is saved on here to email it to himself because we could come home any day and find the computer gone. I am fine if we do. I would rather not talk to or see Katie right now.

Like I said I feel like I am acting like I am twelve years old. I just feel like I have been so fragile lately. I need to be surrounded by people who are going to help me circle the wagons around and protect my core, not tear me down by calling my a Whiner. It's sad, but I think the break or some time off is needed.

Now it's about midnight and I need to get to bed. It's been a nice three day weekend, except for the rip-roaring terrible headache that struck me yesterday and then I spent an hour at a VERY NOISY orchestra fund-raiser so that I was almost in tears by the time it ended. It was better today, more a face-ache than a headache.

One more thing - speaking of headaches- My friend Jon mentioned on FB how many Olympics he has watched while living and working in Japan now. It made me realize that it was 1984 when I was hospitalized for tests to see why I was having such severe headaches (now it's all done outpatient), so it has been a grand 25 years of debilitating headaches. Actually, I remember having headaches as a child, but was told that "kids don't have headaches," so I guess I had to be 18 or 19 before somebody took me seriously. I remember standing in this little storage room off the kitchen in the house we lived in in third and fourth grade and hitting myself over and over again in the forehead with a Pepsi bottle because it made my head feel better inside to hurt it outside. When I think of that I realize the Burger King Frozen Coke cure doesn't sound quite so malicious at all, does it?

Sad/ Happy

Michael just came in and said, "I have really bad breath no matter what I do." "Have you been cooking with more garlic and onions since you've been home from school"
"No."
"Have you brushed and rinsed and flossed and everything like you should?"
"Yes."
"Go get the flashlight and look in your throat."
"It's hard to tell if there's something in there or if it's food gunk."
"Go gargle with saltwater and look again."
"It looks the same."
"Bring me the flashlight"
Yep - right tonsil one big pus pocket on bottom, one on top. So I will go to work at eight and start calling for a dr. appt. as soon as they open/ Because my children are driving impaired I will have to leave sometime and take him to the dr.
He needs to get on antibiotics ASAP so he will have been on 24 hrs by Saturday because it is Science Olympiad regionals and he is like MVP for the SO team. I wonder if any of our CVSs have those walk-in clinics if I can't get an early appt. I may look online and see. Argh. They probably don't do insurance and I will have to pay $100 for a strep test. Sigh...

Wants to be anonymous donor is giving me and Michael a completely new computer. Said person was worried about me doing the business without computer and is absolutely right. I think every order I have taken has come by email unless it is someone I see at work. Thanks, anonymous.

Deb was right. Santa delivers.

Also at work today Gill was writing thigs to put under her pillow to dream they would happen and come true. I asked could she add a new computer in there for me and she wrote it on a slip. I pulled down my "Dream" magnet and told her to put it up at work where she could see it. I pulled down my "believe" magnet and put it up where I could see it. Honestly, within the next 10 minutes was when the email arrived that the computer had been purchased and is being shipped. I feel almost like it's not fair that I should be gifted so generously, but I am going to learn to just graciously say thank you, hope that I can find a person who needs the still-usable parts of this computer (well, when I say this computer I mean the monitor and keyboard, the actual computer part I am using is Katie's and will be returned) and gift them, and gift on when I am the one who is able.

I must make candy tonight. it's hard to bear, but somebody has to do it.

Watching football, for real.

and y'all (tip o' the hat to the Saints) will be proud of me. I left the house again today - SECOND day in a row. I didn't just leave the house. I went to a PARTY. Michael and I went to Ms. G's Super Bowl party and stayed until after halftime. Then we had to leave because Michael has to go to bed by 9:00. I made some food to take, ate plenty, talked and socialized and acted like a normal person. I did not take any anti-anxiety drugs before, during or after. I did develop another POUNDING headache while we were there. I am sure it was due to the presence and interaction of the dog and a three year old girl. I was prepared to handle Shadow. We kind of have an understanding about each other, having interacted enough. (Ah-oh, the Saints just got ahead!) The little girl, however, everything she did, her mom and grandma yelled and criticized and scolded, then Jane (aka Ms. G) scolded the dog... finally I took some Excedrine. I hope it kicks in soon because I am freaking miserable right now. I am glad Michael needed to leave because I had to get away from that.

I totally HAVE to go to work tomorrow or I can't go back without a dr's release. I am totally planning ahead tonight. I parked in the garage so I won't have to scrape windows . I am going to shower tonight. I am going to plan what I am going to wear and make sure it is ready. Hell, I may sleep in my clothes! I don't iron anyway!

I found a new (old) singer to research - Nina Simone. The song I heard today was "Honey put your sugar in my Sugar Bowl." I can't wait to find more!

I really don't care about football, but I hate to see Peyton cry.

More tomorrow.

Even better

I left the house today for the first time since Wednesday.

I took Michael to the Geology building for Fossils practice and shopped for Valentine's candy containers while he was there. Then I took him to Solo Ensemble where he led a cello septet and led the cello section in a large ensemble which both earned first place ratings. The he and I went out to lunch, I dropped him at Bike project. I covered cello with an extra warm blanket and did some more shopping for the household repairs, a few groceries, a little more business packaging, checked Goodwill for computers and ended buying nice, old-fashioned-won't-break-down-on-you books.

After all that I was exhausted and came home and napped until dinner time.

We watched a movie while we ate dinner and actually watched an entire movie in one sitting - rare around here. Also we have watched TWO movies in one week. "Charlie Wilson's War" which I highly recommend and "Reservation Road," which I lightly recommend. Charlie Wilson's War is a can't miss, Tom Hanks, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Julia Roberts, directed by Mike Nichols, and a true story about an outrageous Texas congressman trying to do what's right....

Katie came over later to work some more on the computer and there was a time when I said, "I have to read. It's on my list. Don't talk to me." She got it. I was pretty body language anti- social at the school event and sat in the back of the room (unaware until it was occurring that the septet was basically my son playing a gorgeous solo while everyone else merely wah wahed in the background). I said, "Michael why didn't you tell me that piece was all you and everyone else was just an accompaniment?" He replied, "I told you I was leading the cello ensemble and we were playing _______(fill in composer and title here)," which meant nothing to me.... not knowing one cello ensemble composition from another.... so basically, short of standing up and bolting to the front of the room I was trapped behind a ficus tree hearing my gorgeous son rock the hell out of of some kick-ass classical music from thirty feet away instead of sitting in the front row with my digital camera taping it as I should have been. Sigh.....

My head pain hasn't been as bad today, but in between doses of Mucinex and anti-inflammatories my ears are still congested and clicking and yucky. I am very tired of it. You know. I don't have to work tomorrow. I think I am going to take some psuedafed tonight, but definitely the regular kind NOT an 18 hour extended release!

I'll return with a report of an even better day tomorrow. I'm sure things are looking up.

Better

I did stay home again counter to Hannah's advice. I needed to wallow a little more, I think. Michael also had a snow day, which turned out to be a rain day. Sheesh. They have to make these up at the end of the school year. The good part of that was that he went out and ran some errands and I did get some time alone. One of the tax refunds came so I called and paid a couple of medical bills over the phone that were way past due. He also went and bought a new helmet and got a good deal. We had bought him one pretty much right before the Japan trip and the box that it was shipped back in was damaged so basically he has been using an iffy helmet since August and I hate that. I worked some on my crap - mean craft closet today, but it made my head hurt some more so that was a poor choice physically although mentally it did make me feel better.

Tomorrow I have no choice but to leave the house to take Michael and cello to solo ensemble. I will probably take a book and stay in the library the entire time where it is basically one performance after another, then nobody can talk to me. If the storm doesn't come tomorrow and my head doesn't hurt I may try to go out, really out. I'm not making any promises. Eric told me he found a new karaoke place I can try, but in it's in the next town over which allows smoking and with the way the head has been that's a questionable thing. We'll see.

Okay off to bed. I'll report back sometime. Good news is, I am more functioning, I think, even though I didn't go to work. Maybe I am pulling out of it. A couple of days under our full spectrum lights may have helped.

Winter depression

I am in some kind of overload right now. I am not sure if it is physical, emotional or everything all combined. I know it involves a lot of sleep at all the wrong times, but that has been happening for a long time. However, it has also seemed to evolve into some kind of need for emotional co-dependency and I usually am fine without that sort of thing.

I feel lately like all of my friends just need me, like we hang out and they want to tell me how unhappy they are with their lives, their living situations, their jobs, their families, and all that... Sometimes I feel like there is a little reciprocation - like Katie is really trying to help me get my computer fixed, but she talks so much that I can't say, "hey, I am in turmoil right now." without it becoming how much in turmoil SHE is... so if I want to cry the only thing to do is lay (lie) in my bed alone and cry.

I missed work today and I am thinking of missing tomorrow, too. If there is no school (supposed to be an ice storm tonight) Michael will be home and I don't know if that will be good or bad. It might be nice to have his company, but it's not his role to support me emotionally. All I usually do is sleep and clean anyway. If he's home, however, I might get frustrated with what he does or doesn't do and it takes away my freedom to do whatever the hell I want. The medicines take away the physical head pain, the congestion, the ear and sinus pressure, but they don't heal the aching heart.

It's been a while.

I have still been sleeping a lot and at strange hours.

I go in the morning to get some blood drawn and one of the tests will be thyroid, but my history has always been that thyroid has been normal. I am fasting, and I am making goodies. It's hard to do! I hate to put it in writing , but I do lick my fingers once in a while when I make goodies. Of course I wash my hands afterward. That is one reason my hands look like the hands of a seventy year old!
Also I am making something I have never made before so I won't get to taste it one bit before I take it to work!

Today is Gillian's 50th birthday and I didn't get to make a card or gift for her so I at least hope the goodies turn out nice. She is very difficult to get presents for. She is trying to not acquire clutter so it has to be something especially useful or meaningful to her. Smelly stuff makes her sick so I can't make her bath salts or soap. I kind of buy her little gifts frequently anyway, so I shouldn't worry, but it seems like fifty is such a special birthday that I should have done something. Maybe after the lab I can stop and find some silly little useful thing. I buy her boxes of tissues for work, and pens, and I bought her some arnica ointment and I try to make sure she has Cheetos when she needs them, that kind of thing.... Last year she still had her Christmas tree up so I made Valentine's ornaments for her Christmas tree!

When I drove up to get Michael today I saw ELEVEN hawks in the trees. I think it's the first time I've ever gone into double digits. Cool.

I made my goal of 300 minutes of movement in January. I actually beat it by two minutes! February is 400 - that's an average of twenty minutes a day, five times a week. If I can do 300 in January as sick and as sleepy as I have been, surely I can make February if I can get to feeling better, right? My goal I did not achieve is logging my foods. I don't think I successfully completed one full day of logging. I tried doing it on fitday and I tried doing it on paper. Maybe I need to get out the forms I have from the dietitian and start using those.

I am unachieving my bed by midnight goal to blog and I still have to finish the treats so I need to go.

Bye.